Day 233: on sitting with the feelings

I am beginning to see how Luminous this time has been, being sick in the Moontime. Yesterday and today I have been active in my Morning Pages, tracking my feelings as they have unfolded, one after another, finding points where I could initiate Changes, and then feeling the Resistance to those changes - which basically boils down to, "I don't want to change until the Big Changes have come through, because I don't want to waste precious energy now that I might need later."

I find myself feeling Stuck, yet not entirely willing to Unstick just yet. I find myself Tired on an emotional and spritual level, and wanting to conserve all the energy I can until we finally reach the Summit of the Mountain and receive the good Word: that our Waiting is Over, the Rulings are in our Favor, and we can start the business of Coming Back To Life at last.

My resistance is to moving forward despite the Stuckness, to consider what to do if This is as good as it's going to get, for I refuse to believe this is "It," that the be-all and end-all of my life is to be Broke and Caring for Other People while letting my life slip through my fingers. There MUST be more to it than what is around me now, even if I can't see the Something More just yet.

This is where the lesson of Going Small comes in handy: I remind myself one more time that it's not necessarily about the Huge Activity or the Big Goal, that small bites and mini-goals are just as feasible, if not more so. To paraphrase one of my friends: I know this is Temporary, but I don't know how long this Temporary IS. So if I Go Small, I can find those moments of Respite to carry me along until we reach the Summit. 

I hear the rain falling outside the bedroom door right now. It's been raining on ald off all day today; more, there may be some tomorrow, on Memorial Day itself, something unheard of in SoCal. I did see the forecast clearing up and warming up later in the week, so maybe it will finally start to feel like early Summer instead of early Spring!

My Himalayan Salt candle is lit, and SARK's Glad No Matter What is back by my side. I am using the tools at my disposal to, if not change my attitude, at least loosen it up a little. Tomorrow Himself and I are going to consider our options and see if we can't find a way to have some Fun, something which I could totally use at this point, to lighten up all of this "Serious Business" I've been engaging in.