Day 146: on squaring up

Today both Himself's and the Queen Mother's monthly payments arrived, so we were able to pay some bills! We got the most important ones squared away (for a hot minute), and I was able to take a few steps to lighten the financial load which always swings around at the start of the month. I need to make a couple more phone calls tomorrow, but I'm breathing a lot easier tonight than I have been for the past few days.

We got as many errands done as we could today because Himself is going to be "occupied" tomorrow with his appointments, and I'm going to be driving him home. While we were out, we picked up a few items to help him with his Clear Liquid Diet requirement today: lemon-lime Jello (he can't eat any of the red gelatins prior to his appointments), chicken broth, and some lemon-flavored Crystal Light to add to the prep he has to drink in order to clean out his innards. It's euphemistically called GoLytely because it has electrolytes in it. Himself has suggested more than once that it should be renamed "Go (very) Hard." He uses a slightly different word in the middle to describe it. ;)

To his credit, he has finished drinking half of the prep per the directions the VAMC gave to him, and let's just say he's letting the noxious concoction do its work. (I haven't had the pleasure of getting a colonoscopy yet, but in about three years or so, we will be trading places, I'm sure.)

I'm not sure how much I will be writing in tomorrow's entry, because we're going to have to get up super early and it might be a bit before everything settles down. I'm going to try really hard to get a nap in when we get home in the afternoon! Between now and then, here's hoping that they don't find any more "suspicious" polyps. So far, so good...and we intend for it to STAY that way!

Day 145: on adjusting

I did one of the two things I had planned on doing today: the laundry. I chose to wash my hair today as well, since it had been a little over a week since I was last able to. I didn't make it to the support group because we had to do a bit of essential grocery shopping to get a few things we either had just run out of, or were just about to run out of. That we were successful in, and I still have a bit of money left over in the bank. I also used a freebie to get a Venti black tea lemonade from Starbucks, which I will finish off tomorrow.

Since I switched off my devices on Sunday, I have been more mindful of how much time I'm spending on Social Media, which in my case, means Instagram. I'm all but off of Facebook at the moment; the only thing I am "saving" it for is the Livestream that the Southern Caregiver Resource Center presents with its monthly classes. If I can't get to their main office, something that I haven't been able to do for the past several months, I can still tune in to the presentation. Now if there was a Livestreamed support group available, that would probably make my life a lot easier.

Back to Instagram: I have started making changes there as well, not just in which accounts I'm following, but also in when I put it down and pick up a book instead. I am still wanting to fill time, but not in a way that will get me super upset. Though the accounts I follow online are mainly positive, it is still part of the Internet, and all it takes is one insensitive comment to get the snowball going. Then I (am learning to) step away before I wind up saying something I would later regret. Between these last tumultuous few years and my inherent Scorpio rising tendencies, my patience with fools has been wittled very far down, and it's only because I know better that I'm able to do better, or at least, not do worse.

Tomorrow, in theory, is Himself's prep day before his next "coming and going" appointment (an endoscopy combined with a flexible sigmoidoscopy) to check on his innards. However, we have just learned that a friend is visiting the ER right now, so plans might have to change. We shall know more tomorrow; in the meantime, a prayer or two on our friend's behalf would be appreciated.

Day 144: on staying close to home

I had a bit of an early start to the morning, helping Himself wake up at 7am to get down to San Diego in a timely manner. I stayed home and took something of a breather, after the emotional chaos I wound up feeling yesterday. 

I succeeded in cleaning up in the kitchen after helping the Queen Mother with her "weekly" shower. My job is to turn the water on, set the towels down where she can reach them, and put the soap into the shower itself. Lately I'm also making sure the shower door actually shuts (and opens after she is done), as its starting to stick a bit, and she has trouble working the door when it's not behaving smoothly. She has a lot of trouble with opening sliding doors these days, whether it's out to the patio or out of the shower. After she dries off, I put lotion on her back and legs. Today I also cut her hair a bit shorter and evened out all of the long scraggly pieces that were sticking out a bit further than the rest of her hair.

Whatever tension we might have felt in the past seemed to ease today, partly because Himself was out of the house and out from underfoot - three people living in a 986 square foot home can really get underfoot if we're not careful - and partly because I've been a bit more active in decluttering and cleaning up in the house. It's amazing what can happen when Depression isn't weighing me down and narrowing my vision!

As I've been reading Passages in Caregiving, I've had a pair of realizations. First, I understand now why Himself is always talking about his plans of what he's going to do, or what he wants to do, when he gets his settlement money (whichever comes first): this is his way to cope with his cancer diagnosis and helps give him a reason to keep waking up in the morning, and put one foot in front of the other. Today I had another realization: the less I isolate from the Queen Mother, and the more I interact with her without being angry and resentful, the happier she is and the less likely she is to become depressed herself.

In mom's case, I walk away from intense conversations before I explode in my anger; if I use the tools that are in my toolbox, I can defuse that anger and remember that she is NOT the same woman that she was at the start of this decade. More and more, I am seeing her Dementia instead of seeing who she actually is, and I need to keep this in mind. In Himself's case, I all but stopped dreaming and planning too far ahead into the future because I was concerned about helping him make it through the tests, then the surgeries, and finally the chemotherapy. When I had forgotten how to dream, I became scared of his dreams, because I was afraid he would make some of those dreams a reality and leave me behind! That was a clear case of Stinking Thinking, and now I am remembering how to dream and plan for OUR future together again.

The diswasher is washing, the cats are snoozing, and I am finishing up this blog. I am intending both to do laundry and also to attend one of my caregiver support groups. We shall see what happens.

Day 143: on plugging back in

It did me a world of good to Unplug yesterday and return to reading to fill the time!

Besides reading several sections of the newspaper yesterday, I also returned to a book I started a few months ago, Passages in Caregiving by Gail Sheehy. A great pity I didn't know about this book when I was starting this Odyssey, as it would have helped to allay some of my early concerns. I have it now, though, and I am picking up valuable tidbits of insight and wisdom as I read. :)

I plugged back in this morning and found that my money had arrived, so grocery shopping we went. There were a couple of surprises today, one quirky and cute, the other not so much. First, when I moved my bags a bit closer to the groceries on the conveyer belt as we were checking out, we found a small grasshopper hitching a ride! Was it there all along or did it stow away in one of our bags? That I don't know, but it wound up hopping onto me as I tried to coax it into a roll of paper towels, so I borrowed the roll and went outside to deposit the little bug into the bushes outside of the store. I did return the paper towels to the cashier afterwards.

On the way home, things got a little scary - some dude jumped out of the passenger door of a black car in front of us. With a baseball bat in hand, he proceeded to bang savagely on the rear bumper of the burgundy pickup trunk in front of us. I have no idea why. When the pickup truck pulled off into a dirt lot a little further down the road, a woman got out of the truck and started looking behind us, as though she was looking for the black car. We didn't see the car behind us, but that was enough for Himself to call 911 and report the whole incident as we continued on our way home.

It wasn't until I was waiting for my dinner to heat up that I realized I was more shaken up than I had given myself credit for; how often do you see some random act of road rage unfold before you in traffic? I'm more than happy to stay home tonight, thank you, and I'm wondering if perhaps I shouldn't start practicing a bit of protective shielding again. :-O

I'm not sure if I'm going to get much constructive done tonight. Tomorrow feels like a better day to pick up where I've left off, methinks. Tonight I shall pray that people start working through their Shadow material, instead of allowing the material to work them over! 

Day142: on unplugging

I am going to shut off my faithful tablet as soon as I publish this post. Today will be a device-free day. More to be revealed tomorrow. :)

Day 141: on turbulence

Definitely a mixed emotional bag today. I took care of my monthly conference call, then settled into breakfast proper. I went back to the Morning Pages as I continued my process of detangling my thoughts. I checked in briefly with my East Coast bestie, who has been going through as much physically as I have emotionally over these past few years, and also seems to be on the steady road of improvement.

I started reorganizing at the foot of the bed, as I had intended to do. I also swept some floors (in the kitchen and mom's bathroom) while Himself followed up with mopping. The floors look much nicer now. I should have felt good, and I did - but every time I felt I was getting ahead, I would feel like I was falling behind and failing miserably in the next moment. The Tired is definitely catching up with me. 

We managed to get a little grocery shopping in today, but I wasn't able to get everything I needed. That and the fact that the Queen Mother doesn't like the frozen chicken strips I got for her the other day, and would prefer the fresh strips from Trader Joe's instead - except we didn't have quite enough money to get the fresh chicken today, and will have to wait until Monday. 

I try to remember it's partly her dementia, and partly being set in her ways. I still wind up taking her opinions way too personally, and if I allow myself, can jump down that rabbit hole of Not Good Enough really quickly. Today I allowed myself some comfort food and finished off my reorganizing efforts. Then I could allow myself to feel better. 

Himself and I are still debating about everything we're going to do tomorrow. I think I'm going to take a decluttering break until Monday, then figure out where I going to start picking up next.

Day 140: on wading through the Heavies

I didn't get a good night's sleep last night, and woke up out of sorts. I knew the best place to take my turbulent thoughts was to my Morning Pages, and I made the full three page entry today, objectively dissecting my thought processes and seeing exactly what was going on in my Stinking Thinking.

90% of that which drags me down, whatever form it takes, stems from the feeling of being Super Tired all of the time. I know I'm not Physically Tired; it's more Mentally and especially Emotionally Tired. My biggest fantasy right now is to take an entire week away from Caregiving and all of the Heaviness that surrounds it. Room service wouldn't be necessary, and a spa day or two would be nice! As you can tell, this would involve some money for this fantasy to become reality.

In the meantime, I put the decluttering and reorganizing aside for today, and stepped out into the clear and cold day to accompany Himself to his Cognitive Behavior Therapy appointment to see if it could help him with his pain. I go along with him to remember what he might forget, at least in theory. Getting back home took forever, as there were several accidents on the 78 going east, and we had to detour onto surface streets, and their traffic lights. Le Sigh...

We did get home, and we did eat, and I did rouse myself up to venture back out into the clear and colder night to attend Erev Shabbat services at our synagogue. Even though I don't actively pray with the congregation, I do enjoy mingling with other reasonably functional adults, and we are greeted warmly every time we show up. Socializing is one of my lifelines that I'm making an effort to attend to this year. I came home feeling better than I did when I left, which is always a good thing.

Perhaps I shall shelve all ideas of doing constructive work this weekend and focus on Recharging my Batteries. Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight. Regardless, I am still climbing that mountain.

Day 139: on surfing the shifting tides

It rained off and on today, nothing torrential, but it was cold and windy and it actually hailed at one point, which might be the closest we get to snow here in SoCal. I posted a minute or so of hail on my Messenger as part of my Daily Story efforts.

My Daily Story experiment isn't going as smoothly as this blog experiment is going. I'm missing days here and there, sometimes because I can't find something "interesting" to photograph or video, sometimes because I'm feeling too melancholy (okay, depressed) to bother. I find it far easier to come to this space and type some words, sometimes a handful, other times a short story, and share what's going on that way.

As the weather outside alternated between clouds with rain and hail, and blue skies with sunshine, the weather within alternated as well. I did some long overdue rearranging of some of the kitchen cupboards, putting miscellaneous eats up on the top shelf, with a promise to return for later organizing, and bringing Himself's meds down to the bottom shelf, so I wouldn't have to paw around blindly for medications, and/or grab our small stool from the bedroom and use it to stand on while I looked for the next bottle of whatever medication had run out. That I'm proud of.

On the other hand, our trip over to Albertsons, thanks to the gift card we won at last week's union meeting, didn't feel so smooth. Between what seemed like an interminable wait for Himself's clothes to dry, heading out into the cold and damp, not finding the kind of chicken we wanted (and having to find a frozen equivalent), and having to put something back because it went over the total of the gift card, I was feeling pretty Heavy and hangry by the time we returned home. The hangry I took care of with dinner; the Heavy needed some Quiet Alone Time, with my Himalayan salt candle alight, and a bit of a nocturnal nap. I needed to acknowledge a streak of Shame that I felt when I had to put back the bag of tortilla chips I wanted to buy.

It would not surprise me if I had developed some Seasonal Affective Doldrums along with my Depression, as I seem to be struggling more to keep an even keel in cold Winter-style weather than I do in warm Summer weather. I might get that evaluated at some point, once I have the wherewithal to do so.

The silver lining to all of is that my timesheet was approved, and I will be getting my pay for the first part of February within the next few days. I also realized today that we're almost finished with this month, which makes it two that we've made it through. I'm getting closer to the summit of this mountain, even if I can't see it quite yet.

The foot of the bed will be getting its makeover tomorrow. After that, perhaps the Queen Mother's closet. We shall see...

Day 138: on microcleaning

Today turned out to be trash and recycling day: clearing out both of the bathrooms and our bedroom, along with the main trash in the kitchen and the paper recycling bag by where the Queen Mother sits. We managed to get everything sorted before this round of rain got underway, so that was some good work. We also managed to get a quick grocery run in before the rain started in earnest. I felt like I made some good headway.

Trash and recycling also helped to distract my mind from worrying over money, as I had not received notification as of this morning about my timesheet being processed, and how much was going into the bank. I plotted out my worry in my Morning Pages, and found I had written myself into a calmer and more pragmatic stance when I was done. As the 15th had fallen on a Friday, and this past Monday had been a holiday, of course there was going to be a backlog of timesheets to process. As mine had not been ready to go first thing Tuesday morning, of course I was going to be further back in the queue. I should get a notice tonight (their system tends to notify you sometime between midnight and 1am; don't ask me why), and then I will act accordingly.

With the rain falling, Himself and I are skippping a trip down to San Diego tomorrow morning, which opens up the day for more huswifery: laundry for him, more cleaning and reorganizing for me. By focussing on cleaning one smallish area at a time, I'm actually building some momentum, which might eventually lead to more cleaning elswhere in the house, which would please the Queen Mother to no end. If nothing else, I can distract myself from worrying about money all the damn time!

Continuing to inch my way up the mountain...

Day 137: on multi-level cleaning

I managed to turn around my mood last night when I chose to dive back into my writing, something I managed not to do over the weekend. I didn't wind up writing a whole lot, but it inspired me to do a little research over on Wikipedia, which is one of my best friends. The data available there was simply not present some fifteen-odd years ago, when I first came up with the idea for this story. Totally inspired, with my inner learning geek satisfied, I went to bed in a much better mindset than I had when I got up in the morning - which had been an improvement over the day before.

With another good night's sleep under my belt, and a bright sunny sky, I took another incremental step forward up the mountain. We all took showers today, a total Shower-palooza, and in the middle of it all, the nail on the second toe of my left foot, the one that's looked a little funky for quite a while, and the one that I did a number on last month, finally fell off. I got the chance to see what a toe looks like under its nail, and I saw there was already a wee toenail growing in to replace the nasty gnarly one. Whether it grows back all the way remains to be seen. In the meantime, I have a cute Hello Kitty bandaid on it, and I will for a few more days, to keep it protected.

We had to go out to get some more cat food today, and I was about ready to put the huswifery aside and not worry about it, simply because I was going to have to leave the house! Then I talked some sense into myself, and tidied up the top of the main dresser in our room, and picked up trash on that side of the room. Another small project that makes me feel worlds better. 

Now I have one cat upset that he can't go outside, but the temperatures are getting close to freezing tonight, and sometimes mom has to be more sensible than the furry adopted offspring. The rain is supposed to come back tomorrow evening, then last until Friday, so it will continue to be cold and, just maybe, a tiny bit of snow might fall in the wee hours, as the temperature is supposed to be just about freezing Thursday night. The last time it snowed in my neck of the woods was in 1969 - two years before I was born! You know you live in SoCal when possible snow is a source of excitement, instead of dread. ;)

Before the rain returns, there is trash and recycling to be taken out to their respective dumpsters, and I will see how part three of Huswifery unfolds...

Day 136: on a bit of huswifery

I have three of the five days this week without any appointments or events to worry about, so I started in on some much needed huswifery, as the Bard would say..

First up was the end table by our bed, which had a hodgepodge of items sprawled all over it. I took everything off of it, recycled various bits of paper, put things away, and found a pen holder for most of the half-dozen pens and highlighters that I seem to use on a regular basis. Later, I picked up trash around the end table, then removed the bottom drawer (it's more a mini dresser than an actual end table, in truth) and grabbed the things that had either slid under the front of it, or fell behind it. It now occurs to me that I could go through the actual drawers at some point and do even more decluttering. Perhaps I will come back to it in a day or two...

The other thing I managed to accomplish was in the kitchen, where I loaded the dishwasher and cleared out the recycling. Horribly boring stuff, I know - but when one has been in the grip of Depression, as I have, completing even the most basic and routine tasks feel like small victories. Once the Queen Mother has her ice cream tonight, I will finish loading the dishwasher and start it up.

Speaking of Depression, it knocked on the door tonight. We had an unexpected downpour just after sunset, and between that and a small disagreement between Himself and the Queen Mother, my mood found a rabbit hole to jump down. The last thing I want to do is to act as a referee between my mother and my husband! Pippa came in for some cuddles, fortunately, so I was able to pull my mood out of the rabbit hole and chase my Depression off, for this evening. 

I still have some tidying up to do, so I shall see how much I can get done over the next couple of days...

Day 135: on feeling out of sorts

I figured the day would be off-kilter when we wound up waking up at 11:30am after setting the alarm for 10am. Needless to say, we did not make the support group. I further compounded the mood by managing to forget to eat breakfast; I never got that hungry today and didn't realize what was off until I started being extra snarly.

I had a small litterbox accident to clean up when we got home from grocery shopping because I had allowed the litter in the box to get a smidge too low. Fortunately, I grabbed some new litter today, and all was forgiven. Even my meditation felt a bit off this evening, like I was trying to force it, or perhaps rush through it.

Yes, I have a hundred niggling little worries that are taking turns running through my rational mind. No, I am not a fan of cold winter weather, as it rained off and on today. I suspect I would be downright miserable right now if I lived just about anywhere else in the country. There is also a part of me that wishes it was all concluded, the moountain scaled, and I could just let go and REST, and ski down the other side of the mountain.

With Federal and State agencies closed tomorrow, I'm going to consider some more cleaning up around the house and making sure my ducks are all in a row. Then I re-enter the fray on Tuesday. Perhaps tomorrow I won't feel like my fur is being rubbed the wrong way. :p

Day 134: on a "free-form" day

I needed to visit the bathroom a bit before 4am this morning, and wound up feeding the cats their "first breakfast," since they were all ready to eat. Inkblot then waited until after sunrise to be my fuzzy alarm clock. At 7am, he deemed it to be Too Cold to go out, but after "second breakfast" at 9:30am, the weather had warmed sufficiently for him to step out and make his morning rounds. I thought about returning to sleep, but as there was only 30 minutes to go before the traditional alarm was set to go off, I chose to go ahead and get moving into the day. After I had helped the Queen Mother with her breakfast, I settled into my usual Tea and Morning Pages routine. I waited until Himself had risen and showered before I started the laundry.

Today was an easy day. I cleaned up the recycling area and tidied up in the kitchen, but not before I finished my "Valentine mandala" and posted it on my Instagram. I managed to sneak in a nap while waiting for a load of laundry to dry. I was beginning to lean towards going down to San Diego with Himself this evening, but the Queen Mother can't manage the laundry by herself, and there was still a load and a half to go. I elected to stay home instead, so I could get the laundry dried and done in in a reasonable amounte of time.

I should have been more upset with not being able to go with Himself, but after the Saturday night meeting he goes to, folks usually find a restaurant to visit afterwards for a late dinner...and at the moment, that's not something we can afford to do. So Himself ate a nice early dinner before heading down this evening, and I expanded my dinner hour.

It feels like an evening to meditate quietly in, so I think that's what I'm going to do after I publish this entry. Now that I'm feeling "the worst" is over, and I'm starting to be more Creative again, some deep things are beginning to stir within my spirit and fill in some of the emptied out places. I am grateful to be reconnecting with this Deep Spirituality, and also curious to see exactly how this all comes together.

Tomorrow will be an out in the world day, regardless of whether or not it rains. We shall see what unfolds.

Day 133: on a full Friday

Another day of making the most out of a trip to the VA Medical Center.

Himself and I went down a little earlier than his scheduled appointment to see if he had his new eyeglasses, refill a medication or two, and get physical therapy on his lower back. Though it took a couple of trips back and forth, we got everything accomplished, and I met my daily activity goal to boot. He has been raving about how well he can see ever since we left the VAMC. ;)

Unfortunately, that meant we had to navigate Friday rush hour traffic back home. This Friday wasn't as bad as some Fridays have been, but it still took us nearly an hour to get home. We ate dinner, then stepped out to our weekly meetings. Once again, I was reluctant to go beforehand, but was glad I had made the effort afterwards.

When we got home, I found a large manila envelope waiting for me in our mailbox. The Queen Mother's medical records had been delivered - but they only went back two years. I have the documentation of her most recent medical adventures, but I don't have the year she was certified as Disabled. We will need to see if the DMV can come through, and I am glad that I thought to request from both offices at the same time. Keep your fingers crossed, y'all...

The rain is beginning to fall once again, and is expected to fall on and off for the entire weekend. Tomorrow will be a day for laundry and kitchen activities. I am also planning on resuming my writing, as I have been preoccupied for the last few days with plans taking me outside of the house. So I'm looking forward to a restful, if damp, semi-holiday weekend, as Monday is President's Day, and I expect a few things to be closed on that day. That will give me sometime to figure out my next moves as well.

Climbing that damn mountain one step at a time...

Day 132: on Valentine's Day

Full disclosure: for much of my adult life, I felt like Valentine's Day was a lot like VIP memebership at a swank resort: something nice to aspire to, but not likely to get, especially as the years passed and I was still single. Then, 6 years ago, I suddenly received that VIP membership, as I had found Himself, and we were together. I was excited about celebrating my first "real" Valentine's Day. Horribly shallow, perhaps, but also the truth.

With the forecast of raining cats and dogs in the county (a forecast that was Quite Accurate), I was trying not to have super high expectations around this day. Himself had some other plans for the day, which bummed me out (truth be told), but those plans changed with all of the accidents on the I-15 going down to San Diego. So we went to an event where one would not expect a whole bunch of romance: a union meeting. (As I am mom's care provider, I belong to the United Domestic Workers union.)

I was pleasantly surprised to find small heart boxes with chocolates in them, along with other candy and chocolates. I claimed the small box that had a cat on it, naturally. After the official business had concluded, there was a buffet dinner, with three different kinds of pasta (ziti, tortellini, and ravioli), salad, meatballs, and several varieties of sauce. I partook of the marinara and pesto sauces. There was also salad and garlic bread, and cookies for dessert. Not the most romantic of dinners, but it was free, and the dinner was very tasty. 

We came home afterwards, feeling it would be best to call it a night. It wasn't raining when we left, but the rain began to fall again when I went to collect the mail at the back of the complex, and it's been on and off ever since.

One good thing came out of this: both of us committing to "telling our truth faster," as SARK would say. Open lines of communication are essential.

PS - I haven't eaten the chocolates yet, as I ate my fill at the meeting. Will enjoy them starting tomorrow.

Day 131: on wheeling and dealing

Yesterday, Himself took the car in for its scheduled maintenance, and he was advised at that time that he was going to need to replace the tires. We have a service contract with the Mazda dealership in town, and they perform the maintenance for free. 

They also let him know about a tire company that would not only give him a Veteran's discount, but also work out a payment plan. So he went down to them yesterday to arrange the purchase, and today we returned to the tire company to get four new tires installed on the car. 

The installation itself was painless, but there was a technical glitch around finalizing the purchase, so both Himself and the serviceman were on the phone with the credit company to see if they could work out the issue. I joked about placing a bet as to who would be answered first; Himself would have won the bet. After returning to the main website and navigating through the options, the transaction was finalized, and we had our tires and a payment plan to go with them.

After we were done with the wheeling, we had to do a little dealing (with the cable company), and we reached a satisfactory conclusion. In truth, I would be just fine without tv for a while, but the rest of the household would have serious fits. We have covered the basics for the rest of the month. Not sure how we're going to get through next month, but we will do our level best.

The latest storm began while we were out getting new tires, and it's expected to drop a lot more rainfall on the county tomorrow. I'm waiting on the advisory to start ark building. ;) Kidding, but we have sandbags left over from the last big rains in 2016, and Himself dragged them to their strategic positions in front of the patio door, just in case.

Not quite sure how our Valentine's Day will unfold just yet, but we will do our best to avoid having a terribly soggy one. 

Day 130: on returning to fiction

I have felt a return to writing fiction bubbling below the surface for the past few months. I have even gone back to a story I had previously written and done some editing on it. Yesterday, though, the pot finally boiled over, and I called up Word on my tablet, and began to write fiction again. I. am. writing. fiction. again.

I would say that this would be a bit of a departure from the past, but thinking about it a bit more, that's not true. I am equally comfortable writing longhand with a pen on paper or typing words onto a blank screen. Overall, I might have done more of the former kind of writing, as I have easily half a dozen steno pads (the smaller notebooks bound at the top that are used for taking shorthand) that are full of notes, snippets, and short stories. I also write my Morning Pages in longhand on loose leaf paper held together in a large blue three ring binder. However, in my college years, and for a time afterward, I wrote stories directly into a word processor or computer, so I can't really say I prefer one modality over the other.

I have no target number of words or pages in mind, nor can I say for certain that this material will ever see the light of day. It would definitely need to be researched for accuracy in the details, but I can worry about that later. I'm writing the "origin stories" of a pair of characters that arose for me at least ten years ago, if not more, in what would be an "historical fiction" story, should I choose to pursue it. It's not fantasy, as I don't envision those traditional tropes - mythical beasties, magick, hidden realms - popping up in the story, but it definitely isn't science fiction either, which is what I have written since I was in my teens. So it's a good exercise in stretching ye olde writing wings.

Right now I am delighted that I have been returning to older, familiar ways of Creating that I have done in the past (fiction writing, collage). I am throwing back the storm doors that were locked during the turbulent years and bringing out aspects of myself that had taken cover during the worst of my mental and emotional turbulence. There is still some rough ground to cover before the end of this part of the odyssey, but I am recovering some bits of myself that I had feared I had lost, and it feels very good, on this day. :)

Day 129: on picking and choosing

Today I sorted through the mail, recycling half of it, and putting in our shredding bag half of what was left. I looked through everything and endeavored to figure out what to pay and when we absolutely needed to pay it. We wound up going to our gas and electric provider, ready to make a payment on our bill, and wound up negotiating a bit more time, until I get my next paycheck sometime next week. (President's Day on Monday is another Federal holiday, and will need to be taken into account.)

We then stopped by Trader Joe's to grab some necessities, and again needed to figure out what we could get now, and what needed to wait until later. Fortunately, we are getting a small stipend each month in food stamps - which are now automatically loaded onto an ordinary looking plastic card these days - and I was able to use that today to pay for our one bag. Also fortunately, some gift cards from Cancer Angels arrived today, and will help to make life much easier for the rest of the month.

I don't feel terribly depressed at the moment, as 1) things worked out better than I thought they would, and 2) Himself and I are both confident that the end of our struggles is coming sooner, instead of later. We have begun to climb the mountain.

I will be starting my next mandala after I finish with this post. Onward...

Day 128: on a rather decent day

Made it to our support group today. We took turns in sharing. I felt better after we left than I did before we arrived. Post group, we paid a visit to one of our members who had developed bursitis in one of her heels, and had just finished one week of a strict two week "no walking or driving" regimen. Between the group and the chat, we got home a bit later than we had expected. I got the Queen Mother's dinner ready, then had my own dinner.

It's rained off and on today, more off than on, but enough so that the cats were more inside than out. There was enough sunlight for me to see a segment of a rainbow on oour way home, so I took a picture for my Daily Stories on Messenger. I've missed a few days here and there, mainly because I don't want to take boring pictures, and partly because it would be way too easy to post pics of the cats. That's not necessarily a bad thing, yet I want to show there's more to my life than cats. ;)

We are skipping the Grammys this evening. Mom is having her own unofficial "NCIS: Los Angeles" marathon, and I am catching up on my reading of the Sunday paper. Tomorrow, I step back into the grind; tonight, I take a much needed breather. Even though I don't have a strict "workweek" as a caregiver, I still appreciate the weekend, as I give myself permission to stop worrying about the world, and our affairs in it, for those two days.

As for our affairs, I can summarize them thusly: we have finally arrived at the mountain - but we still have to climb it. If we can get through March, possibly April, the tide should turn for good. All prayers are welcome.

Day 127: on tending to the nest

I chose to focus on domestic affairs today, as the dishes were taking over one of the kitchen counters, and the recycling was needing to be taken out. So I paced myself and got the kitchen done, the trash out, and the recycling station tidied up. The dishwasher is doing its job now.

It was a good day to move through calmly, with breaks to hydrate and snuggle with the cats. I'm glad it only rained briefly, though it's more likely to rain tomorrow, according to the latest forecasts.

I also took a bit of a plunge and cooked up some risotto. It turned out to be quite tasty, and plumped up more than I expected from the small bag. I seem to keep forgetting how much rice expands when you add water to it, so I have enough for another meal with it. Whether or not I finish it off tomorrow is another matter entirely. I haven't made up my mind yet.

Himself and I have our joint support group tomorrow, and a few errands to run after that. Hopefully it won't be raining too hard...

Day 126: on a good ending to the week

We all agreed to stick to the agenda today, and pulled ourselves together to make it over to the Social Security office. We wound up being there for less than an hour (!), and with the Queen Mother present, we have obtained one of the magic numbers we were looking for: the year she began receiving her Social Security payments. If I am right, and either the doctor's records or the DMV records back me up, the other magic number - the year she was first certified as "disabled" - will be before this number, and this will help to qualify her for the "Working Disabled" program that the state of California has.

Having this documentation helped me to breathe a bit easier today. Hearing that we are going to receive some more support (in the form of gift cards for groceries and gas) also helped me to breathe a bit easier. Now I can focus of perhaps paying some of the more vital bills that we need to take care of!

Yesterday I couldn't see the way forward, for the fog had rolled in and obscured my Vision. Today the fog is lifting, and I am beginning to see the way forward once more. A very good way to end the week. :)

Day 125: on the clouds returning

I'm not sure what set me off - if it was my "inability" to get going quick enough, or the Queen Mother's desire to postpone the trip to the Social Security office until tomorrow, or the fact that I finally got the proper paperwork filled out to request mom's medical records today, and sent it all off today, or the idea that I wouldn't find what I was looking for in these records, or a combination of all of these - whatever it was, I became overwhelmed by the idea of jumping through this set of hoops, and I wound up having a panic attack over it all.

*Le Sigh*

Then there was the need to get money out of my account at the credit union, and the fact that there won't be enough money to cover one of my bills (so I will have to see if I can negotiate something), and the realization that I will need to play "musical bills" for a month or two, in that These Bills get paid this month, and Those Bills will be paid next month, and I have no idea about when I'm going to get to the ones sulking in the corner...

Again, *Le Sigh*

Yet we have an update: all indications are pointing to Late March/Early April for news as to what ALL the decisions for Himself's outstanding cases will be, if not actual payment at that point. Making it to that point, by hook or by crook - aye, there's the rub! Then there is also the question, what happens if this latest "due date" gets delayed Yet Again? Can I stand yet more disappointment? I'm beyond ready for this uncertainty to be over and done with. Period.

At least I made it to my Caregiver Support Group tonight. I was able to vent, I will be receiving information about getting a definitve diagnosis for the Queen Mother next meeting, and I was assured that things could be Far Worse than they are now. Praying for some of my affected siblings tonight!

So tomorrow I try again to get all the balls rolling in the same direction. Once more unto the breach, as the Bard said.

And Once More, *Le Sigh* :p

Day 124: on the parting of the clouds

I got up a bit later than I had anticipated today, because a certain four-legged member of our family thought he wanted to go out in the very cold, then changed his mind, then wanted to try again an hour or so later, and finally went out in the sorta cold. When my alarm went off at its usual time, I hit the snooze button more than once. I finally got up when the Queen Mother shuffled out of her bathroom and into the front of the house.

Despite my late start, I tidied up the table and had just enough time for my shower before our "guest" arrived, a gentleman representing our life insurance company. (It was a scheduled visit, to be clear.) We spent a few minutes reviewing everything, then he left a quote for Himself, should he be interested in purchasing a policy of his own in the near future.

Speaking of Himself, I accompanied him to his appointment with his Primary Care doctor in Mission Valley. His blood pressure was taken, his list of medications was reviewed (and was finally up to date!), his recent "adventures" were reviewed, his concerns were addressed, his heart was listened to, and all was judged to be well, and he'll be seen again next year, barring any new complaints. It was a painless trip, if not a quick one - we were there for an hour and a half total, and still needing to navigate commuter traffic home, along with needing to make a quick stop at Trader Joe's to boot! We wound up arriving home about 5pm.

We stopped by the mailboxes at the back of the complex before we called it a day, and there was a little present in the mail for me. I opened it after dinner and found a most wonderful gift: cards and stationery, with envelopes already stamped, ready for snailing. There were also a pair of gift cards tucked in among the cards, and some fun stick-on bling! I loved all of it, and was so deeply appreciative. I inadvertently rang the sender of my present (I had wanted to send her a video response, but we wound up video chatting instead!), but we had a nice brief chat. I am very happy. :)

Let's see if I can bottle up some of this happiness for tomorrow, when the Queen Mother and I finally pay our visit to the Social Security office!

Day 123: on the magic of play

So first off, let me share the picture of my finished vision board. I had promised I was going to share it last night, but I wasn't in the space to post anything at all...

I've also had the idea to alter the front of a little yellow notebook that I purchased on sale, as part of a set of three, and I've been doing that over the past couple of days. I want to share that with you as well:

For the last three days, I've been doing more than collaging; I've been playing. Playing wih images, playing with layout, playing with color. I have been Creating through this play, and I've noticed that the Heavies are not nearly as heavy as they were, especially today.

I consider it a minor miracle that, as cranky as I was yesterday, I woke up this morning with barely any crankiness. Yes, I tended to the laundry, and kept an ear open while the Queen Mother took her shower. Yes, I have some more financial concerns on the immediate horizon - but I mainly Played today, and the other things barely bothered me at all. I am surprised and deeply Grateful for this shift in attitude. I even did a reading for myself today, and got some good results from it. 

I'm shifting back to the mandalas in the next day or two, as I will be filling "long" stretches of time in waiting rooms. But I seem to have tapped into a source of Magick by switching up my modalities, so I'll have to see what other opportunities to Play arise for me as Winter begins to thaw subtly into Spring.

Day 122: on honoring my instincts

Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor, and today I chose to reschedule just about everything that required me to leave the house. A cold rainy day + the start of my Moonflow = significant introversion and zero tolerance for bureaucratic ineptitude. I knew that if we were to go to the Social Security office today, there was a fair chance that I would be arrested, or politely escorted off the property at the very least, as my claws were Out.

I did have to do some grocery shopping, getting a few essentials for all parties of the household, and we were fortunate to get in, out, and done before the rains began in earnest. It rained early in the morning, then stopped until mid-afternoon, and has been going on and off since. It's supposed to rain tomorrow as well, then we get a few days to dry out before the next system pays a visit on Saturday.

I also managed to print out the medical release form for the Queen Mother, and enter my timesheet for the second half of January, so I managed to Adult a little. Mainly it's been trying very hard to stay "civil" to the rest of the family, and not go postal on them. (This arises from a deep desire simply to be Left Alone while I go about the very important task of Bleeding.)

Tomorrow, Himself has some appointments, one of them being an eye exam, where they will probably want to dilate his pupils. So I will make an effort to go with and drive him back home. Wish me luck...

Day 121: on tapping into my creativity

Last Sunday I wrote about my friend who runs a cool circle for women. This Sunday, since Himself had a commitment in San Diego, I got a ride over to her place to join with several of my other sisters to come together and celebrate Imbolc, the pagan holiday that preceded Candlemas. (He came to pick me up afterwards.)

Not only was it good to reconnect with friends old and new, it was also good to reconnect with my creativity. One small piece of posterboard and roughly a dozen images later, I had a vibrant vision board. It wasn't a board of wishes to come true; rather, it was more a board to affirm I have survived the worst and am emerging from the Dim, transformed and ready, more or less, to return to the world around me. I'll share a picture of it tomorrow. We all feasted on a yummy potluck dinner that came together, and shared some of the meanings we had found in our boards.

It was good to be nurtured and supported in Sisterhood once more. And that's about all that I'm going to say, for I am very tired, and my Moonflow is about to begin once more...

Day 120: on a restful rainy day

Today I achieved my goal of resting. I got to my tea and Morning Pages a bit late, partly because I had a restless cat to calm down, as he was stuck indoors with all the rain falling. He eventually did settle down.

I did a bit of work in the kitchen: washing out glass jars to recycle, sorting grocery bags for future use as trash and cat litter bags, and gathering together bottles. I composed a new to-do list for next week. I also had a nice nap with Inkblot, the aforementioned restless cat. I cooked some quinoa and added some vegetarian chili, along with a mix of white beans and corn that I had thrown together earlier. I added a nice salad, a couple of dinner rolls, and some lime soda, and had an excellent dinner.

I wanted to rest today, and for the most part, I did, enjoying the sound of the rain falling. :)

Day 119: on moving through the cranky

Had another early start to the day today, which didn't flow quite as smoothly as it did yesterday...

Today we had some items to pursue on the agenda. First was a visit to Jewish Family Services, where instead of an interview, we found that we had already been magically "recertified" for the pantry, and did we want to visit it today? Himself went to get the bags and I considered all of my options. I believe we were the first to visit, and we had the pick of the bounty. It was an unexpected blessing to start the day, yet I was on a bit of an edge for much of it. 

Going into a Wal-Mart that reeked of acetone from the beauty salon they had on site did not help my mood, nor did only finding half of the items we needed on our list. Making a couple of other stops to pick up essential items was okay, yet my phone didn't seem to work when the Queen Mother called to see where we were, and I had to yell into the phone that we would be home soon. Not sleeping as much as I prefer for a couple of days in a row didn't help. Mars in conflict with Pluto didn't help either. (When the "God of War" squares off against the "God of Shadows," you get cranky people, basically, and I was one of them.)

I had a nap after lunch, and that helped for a bit, until I went to get the rest of the cat food - something not readily available at the food pantry - at our local Wal-Mart. Then there were several more small misadventures in the store that rubbed me completely the wrong way. Fortunately, Himself came in to save the day, and we went to our weekly meeting after that. We made it home before the next storm began. 

Some days, I move easily and effortlessly through the world outside of my house; other days, it feels like it's all I can do to keep my temper in check and get home as quickly as possible, so I can relax (somewhat) and nest. Fortunately, I have an empty agenda for tomorrow, and a fun thing lined up for Sunday. I will be okay.