parallel paths

Of course, after I post about how wonderful and optimistic everything was feeling, along came some other rising tides that were not so fun, although they turned out to be very insightful.

There was the anger that arose from deep within as I moved through some Pre-Menstrual Sensitivity. Once I had fully felt the anger, I realized it was arising from a big unmet need that I have been challenged by on this Odyssey: the need for Respite. Finding breathing space for myself is not easy with only one car to split between two drivers, along with a limited gas budget. I would love for Himself to stay home a bit more so I could "escape" for a few hours while he keeps an eye on the Queen Mother, but he has "Year End Obligations" as Treasurer of the Alano Club: reports to put together, donor thank you letters to send, information to get together for tax purposes. I try not to get resentful as he fulfills his obligations, but sometimes it's sorely tempting.

I feel like I am traveling on parallel paths: the path of the Burdened Caregiver, taking care of a mother who is sliding once again downhill (slowly, easily, but definitely downhill), and the path of the Home-Based Entrepreneur, who has found her voice  again and is re-establishing herself after a significant absence. As much as I would like to set up shop and perhaps even start making a little money for myself, without opportunities for Respite, doing anything with any sort of consistency will be impossible, as long as taking care of the Queen Mother is my top, and overwhelming, priority.

As long as I'm on this topic, there is also something a little disconcerting about feeling like I'm coming back to life at the same time the Queen Mother is getting nearer, however incrementally, to her passing. It almost feels like I'm doing her a disservice by not waiting till after she's gone before fully stepping back into my life. Ridiculous, of course, but that's how caregiving for a parent (especially) can warp one's thinking.  I am in another period of adjustment, seeing what I need to do to balance this equation once more, and I need to give myself credit for that.

Tomorrow I begin my Moontime once more, and will see if I can take the opportunity to chart a new course through these unknown waters I am sailing through in this Odyssey of mine.

updates & picking up some pieces

This was one of those get-banged-up-and-slide-over-the-finish-line-sideways months.

Good news: I got my 24 hours of Respite in. :) I checked into a nearby, but not too near by, hotel on the 12th and stayed overnight, checking out on the 13th. I soaked in their hot tub under the full moon and in the mists as hot water met cold air. They offered a free breakfast, which I took advantage of, and enjoyed an hourlong, uninterrupted breakfast. When I left, I was downright blissy.

Bad news: This last week has been particularly rough, as my lower back seized up (again) and I got a head cold pretty much simultaneously, while still in the Moontime! My back is now good and I am getting over the cold. Today was the first day after several where I didn't feel like I was trying to reach down to touch my diaphragm and hack up a lung. :p

The "WTAF" moment comes courtesy of the County of San Diego: I turned in the 

Queen Mother's paperwork for her Medi-Cal and her CalFresh (food stamps) on the same day. They have since sent me three notices of her Medi-Cal Share of Cost going up, while simultaneously calling to inform me that they don't have her CalFresh form! As she was only getting $16 per month, I realized that I was getting angry over pretty much nothing. As the Cost of Living Adjustments both she and Himself are getting for the next year total more than that, I'm letting this situation go entirely. I am so completely over the bumbling incompetence!

As for the Queen Mother: her bloodwork results came back right after my last post; no surprise they turned out Absolutely Normal. So: no official Dementia diagnosis, and we slog on, with a little more money going forward. She has been complaining about being cold "all the time," and we are having a mild Winter, comparatively speaking. She has also been taking to bed for a post-breakfast "nap," more often than  not, since I had my Respite. Physically, she's slipped a little more downhill, as her body catches up to her mind, which continues to lose words and comprehension by degrees. :(

Himself thinks he will be getting his personal injury settlement from his rear-ender sometime this next month. The current challenge is the hardball the insurance companies for the other involved parties are playing. Negotiations are ongoing. In DC, meanwhile, his Veteran's attorneys are planning to get him classified as "Totally and Permanently Disabled," which comes with its own set of perks. After that is done, they plan to ask after the Carpal Tunnel decision: why did the VA go back to 2015 in its award, and not back to 1993, especially when there is evidence to support the latter date? That is the new million dollar question. There are also some access privileges he will be getting at military exchanges starting tomorrow, so that might be worth exploring.

A funny thing has happened as I have rested my back and coughed through my cold: I find the Heaviness has lifted from my spirit, the Depression has dissolved, and I am feeling some Hope for the first time in a while. It seems to be a bit more than the excitement over starting a new year & new decade. I am finding myself in a similar place to where I was at the end of 1997/start of 1998: very familiar with Shadows in Darkness, and desiring to cultivate a "lighter side" to my personality. In the spirit of Beginning Again, SARK's Living Juicy will be by my side once again as I wend my way through the days of 2020, definitely older, perhaps wiser. Yes, there will be some Ceremony tonight and tomorrow!

I also have some things to look forward to - Star Trek: Picard in a few weeks, and Wonder Woman 1984 next Summer. Both of the preview trailers look Awesome! ...and now you know two of my favorite things. I am a total Next Generation Trekker, and I watched Diana's adventures when she was played by Lynda Carter, way back in the day. I will be catching up with her current iteration on TNT sometime in the next month. ;)

I'm not a huge one for making New Year's Resolutions these days, but one Intention I will declare is to blog a bit more often here. To be honest, there have been times when I have wanted to, these past few weeks, but haven't, because I didn't want to sound like I'm kvetching and whining all of the time. With the clearing of my mind, perhaps I will be able to talk without it turning into a pity party...

Day 331: on getting calm

Today was a productive-yet-restful day for me.

I spent some good time with my Tea and Morning Pages ritual in the morning. I detangled my mind a bit by sorting through the last week's mail, reviewing my old lists, then making a new list which I can tackle starting on Tuesday, as tomorrow is a holiday for many. I cleaned off the main counter. I had my egg sandwiches for breakfast and mac-n-cheese for dinner, as I felt like I deserved some treats. After dinner, Himself and I went out for essential groceries and cat food. 

In between dinner and grocery shopping, the Heavies decided to pay an unannounced visit. Though I was tempted to skip the shopping for this evening, I made myself go, partly because the cats would not wait, partly because I wasn't sure exactly what would be open and what would be closed tomorrow. Better to be safe than sorry, and I did perk up while I was out and about. Sometimes Depression has no rhyme nor reason, but I am happy to say it has dissipated.

Another treat for myself was to download the Calm app for my phone. If you're not familiar with it, it's about meditation and (ahem) mindfulness. It's become very popular. There is a free "regular" section and a paid "premium" section, but the freebies are extensive, so I have a lot of material to work through before I would even consider unlocking the premium parts. I've used it before, but ran out of memory on my old phone, so I had to uninstall it. I very highly recommend downloading it if you're going through stressful times, or even just for the daily grind. 

There are some parties tomorrow that we are planning to attend, so I will stop here and get ready to grab forty winks. 

Day 301: on finishing as we started

The lessons of Flexibility kept coming today, and we are finishing as we started: shuffling around ye olde To-Do List to make room for the Actual Happenings of the day.

To wit: I calculated how much I would need to pay the bills that were not automatically paid out of our account. I went to the credit union and took out the necessary funds to pay these bills. I was not, however, able to pay them today, as we went for an oil change instead. What was going to be "quick and cheap" turned out to be not so quick nor so cheap, mainly because our air filters desperately needed replacing (and why had this been overlooked by the dealership in the past? Things that make you go "hmmm.") At least Himself was able to refund me when I paid for the oil and filter change, as he went to pay and suddenly found himself without a wallet. It turns out it was in his other pair of shorts at home.

We had just enough time to return home so I could prepare the Queen Mother's dinner before we were off to San Diego and the Alano Club, bypassing the worst of the Friday commute traffic as we went. Then Himself sprung for pizza and a salad once we were there, and I was happy. Don't tell anyone else this, but I was grateful for the respite. ;) After I ate, I tended to my meeting (as I am the de facto leader on the first Friday of every month), then went back to the Club to collect Himself.

I am home now, tired and ready to rest. Tomorrow will be a decent day as we are going to get that rear windshield finally replaced! We will see what else unfolds...

Day 267: on a nice slow day

If you're in the mood, honeydew + key lime yogurt (dairy-based or otherwise) = Divinely Inspired Bliss. Highly recommended.

Most of my paperwork is done. I need to consult with Himself on a point or two, do some writing on the computer, and copy a few documents. These last two parts will need to wait until I have a new ink cartridge for the printer, because we're all out of black ink.

I re-listened to a recording my friend Andrea made about finding magic in the hard parts of life, because yesterday wasn't as serene as I had thought it would be. I did a bit of Timed Journaling with the prompts. I realized that Caregiving, though an important part of my life, isn't the biggest part, nor the only part. I need to be reminded of that sometimes.

Looking forward to more Open Time tomorrow. I might not be vacationing in a semi-exotic local right now, but I'm getting the Respite I have been so desperately craving. :)

Day 251: on finally decompressing

Today finally matched my expectations about how I had envisioned this "staycation" to be like. My mind was relaxing on Tuesday, then jumped back into Overwhelm on Wednesday. Without any outside commitments today, I was able to sink into the relaxed pace and enjoy myself (at least until my lower back started kvetching).

I have reorganized the various bags we brought with us: Our Bathroom, the Queen Mother's Bathroom, the Kitchen. It wasn't as complex as I first thought it would be, which is good. I also did a Timed Writing exercise that I had been putting off for a whlle, considering my What If's. I only came up with two this time around, but I tucked this into the back of my brain in case I needed to use it again later. 

We will be doing some packing up tonight, as tomorrow will be another early morning and we have much to do after breakfast: a bit of vacuuming and opening up the windows, schlepping things back to the house, then bringing home the Queen Mother and the cats. (We didn't get any calls from Petsmart today, so I will take that as No News Is Good News). We actually visited the home today, and I am very glad that we are taking this extra night away: within about five minutes of being inside, I could feel tightening in my front sinuses and a tickle in the back of my throat...and if I could feel these things, the cats would feel even worse. So yes, one more night away, with the central fan on at home. I do have my house keys back. :)

The "forced adventure" is almost over, and we will be easing back into more normal routines tomorrow and through the weekend. I will share more thoughts about everything in my next entry.

Day 248: on the neverending day of schlepping

I'm checking in from our motel room, twelve hours or so after we first woke up. Much of the day has been spent packing perishable foods in the special bags, figuring out what to take along with us (which is probably ten times too much), and hauling seemingly endless bags and a pair of suitcases and a wheelchair and a portable commode from Point A to Point B. Of course it would have to be during the hottest day of the year so far! It felt like Murphy's Law was definitely in play in that regard.

Before the grand haul, we took the cats over the special "pet hotel" in Petsmart. We gave the staff their food and said goodbye as they were whisked back to their own Kitty Cottage. Pippa once again protested all the way, while Inkblot was calm for most of the trip, until he realized there was a Doggie Daycare nearby, with a lot of dogs present. Then he started growling and expressing his displeasure, but he was soon whisked back to the cat section to be with his sister. We won't be able to visit them, but that's probably for the best, as that would only confuse them all the more.

We stopped at the Mexican restaurant next door to the facility and gratefully had dinner between the first and second trips to the house. We will be headed back tomorrow morning to hand off a set of house keys to the fumigators so they can gain the necessary access to the house.  Himself is already vowing to stop by frequently to keep an eye on events.

I will definitely be sleeping soundly tonight. 

Day 239: on attending to pleasurable business

Today was an Out and About day, taking full advantage of the nicer weather we are having.

First, we returned to the synagogue for the semi-annual congregational meeting. It's not a big congregation, but it's an enthusiatic one. Fortunately, Himself sat on his hands today and didn't take on any more commitments! We soaked in a little Community Time schmoozing before and after the meeting.

On the way home, we stopped in at one of the stores of our cable company. We thought we would be in for a bit of a wait, as it was plenty busy, until I saw the little "Pay here" machines at the other end of the store, being completely ignored. With a little help from a friendly customer service representative, we paid the cable bill and went our merry way.

I had a snack and got dinner assembled for the Queen Mother, then Himself and I headed down to San Diego for his regular Saturday night meeting. We got there a bit early since he is the Coffeemaker, one of the two Very Important Positions, the other being Secretary. He celebrated a milestone this evening with another Community.

Post-meeting, we went out to dinner with some of our friends, both to continue Himself's celebration, and also to celebrate our 7th Meet-iversary. Himself and I first met seven years ago tomorrow, but since we're keeping an eye on the cashola, we chose to consolidate reasons to celebrate, and had one special dinner tonight. If I remember tomorrow, I will share the story of how we met. :)

We came home with full bellies and happy hearts. Tomorrow he tends to business outside the home, and I tend to business inside the home.  

Day 228: on a calmer-than-intended day

After shifting a few things around yesterday, the Queen Mother took her shower today. I had a few things to do, but never really got out of first gear, so shelved my plans till tomorrow, which will be a busy day. 

It occurred to me today that I might be entering Menopause, as there are small signs, but no significant flow as of yet. I remain watchful and I wait. Definitely no possibility of pregnancy outside of Immaculate Conception. ;)

It's not that I don't have much to say today, but the words are not coming together quite yet on the page. It has turned out to be a day of Consideration and Contemplation, along with on and off showers. I'm missing my Sunny SoCal weather for sure!

Instead of trying to force the words to come together, I'll leave off here for tonight, and see what comes up tomorrow. 

Day 223: on consciously slowing down

Today was a good day to put my brain in the fridge and chill out. I made a choice to put business to the side and allow my mind to empty out and stay empty; for the most part, I was successful. I finished coloring in my most recent mandala, and started to read a new to me book.

I did have to proofread a letter Himself had written, and help the Queen Mother to sort through her shoes (She's down to two pairs now). I also had to return a call from her doctor's office, to find out her Vitamin D levels are a bit low, and her cholesterol levels are a bit high, so we need to make a few tweaks to her diet. Whether she will go along with said tweaks is to be determined.

Mom received her DVT diagnosis, and began this journey in earnest, just before Himself finished chemotherapy. When he had his heart attack a week and a half ago, I started waiting for "the other shoe to drop" in regards to mom. If this is the worst that is going to happen, I will gladly accept it!

I made it to my caregiver support group this evening. Two new caregivers showed up, one who had just connected with SCRC, and one who was possibly looking to connect. It was good to share and to listen, to be with people who Get It, and won't look at you cross-eyed when you go into detail about how crazy your odyssey has been.

I feel refreshed today, enough to tackle some of the business waiting on me tomorrow. Himself was doing his part of the legwork today, so perhaps tomorrow will be his day off. Doubtful, though - just before he was admitted into the hospital, we received word that the fumigation is back on, for the middle of next month, so we need to see if we can take care of that.

Once I'm past Friday, I can put my brain back into the fridge and chill some more. :)

Day 205: on a nourishing sunday

My idea to switch off yesterday was interrupted, initially by participating in my monthly conference call, then by wanting to inform everyone that we were okay, and finally a reluctance to switch off again. I wasn't looking for drama; I just wanted to connect and feel connected. That's partly why I went with Himself to his regular Saturday night meeting, so I could converse with adults without cognitive issues!

I chose to switch off today, and I have been much more successful. I switched my phone on briefly this morning, and my tablet just now, but everything has been OFF in between, which has allowed me to read, and begin to color two mandalas. I keep getting stuck on the one mandala and found I could switch to the other one.

The weather was cool and breezy today, with gathering clouds. Earlier this evening it started to sprinkle. There's also the possibility of rain falling tomorrow, so I might carry my easy feeling over for another day or two.

I'm feeling okay. Money is good at the moment. We're all feeling good at the moment as well. We shall see what tomorrow brings.

Day 192: on reflecting in the calm...

I have had a restful day today. The closest I came to doing any sort of work was proofreading a document Himself had typed up before he sent it out. Other than that, the day has been filled with Morning Pages and mandala coloring.

I am happy to confirm that Himself's VA attorney has filed his case with the Board of Veteran's Appeals (I've been calling it the Board of Veteran's "Affairs" all this time. Oops!). Now we are officially scaling the last of the mountain, aiming for the summit.

In the meantime, we are still awaiting a key piece of mail, and as of today, it still hasn't arrived. Instead of my previous reaction to this development, I am experimenting on letting go of the pity poverty party that's been playing in my head. Yes, money is coming, and until it does, I still have Life to deal with, so that's what I'm going to do. I even drew and colored in a mantra in my Happy Yellow Book: "Expect Miracles Every Day!" Doubtless there is some irony in being inspired to do that on the same day Notre Dame is engulfed in flames...

For dinner this evening I successfully pan-fried some of my Veggie Gyoza and had it with some steamed rice and a salad. I used some of my Goddess Dressing as a dip, and oh yes indeedy that was a delicious choice! I will definitely be doing that again in the future. 

Riffing off of that: I am leaning toward joining the Intermittent Fasting posse and seeing how that works for me. I am thinking of doing the 16:8 variation, wherein one eats normally for eight hours in the day, then fasts for the other sixteen hours. It actually makes sense, and it's something that I can see myself doing more days than not. In the near future, I'm thinking of returning to (mostly) Veganism as well, because I feel better when I'm eating plant-based, Living Food than when I'm not. I say "mostly" because I love Honey, and I'm not quite ready to let that go yet. ;)

Tomorrow begins the latest iteration of "Appointment Week," which includes Himself's all important Oncology follow up. Our intention is to learn that Nothing is Untoward and All Is Still Well, and then perhaps have a picnic at the beach. Wish us luck. 

Day 183: on taking full advantage

Today started out slowly, for which I was grateful. It was also much sunnier and a bit warmer than yesterday had been. Himself stayed home during the day and did a load of laundry, and I wrote in my Morning Pages and lingered over breakfast. When he mentioned that he would have to be away on Sunday to tend to some business, I immediately shifted to Chill Mode and luxuriated in an easy day. Tomorrow I can do the things; today I read a little and napped a little more.

I did break out my special purple notebook after dinner and engage in some Timed Writing exercises. I gained some clarity and peace of mind when I was done, even though I had to take a bit of a breather in between topics. I did manage to find some treasures buried in the muck, and put them aside for later consideration.

Now I have two sleeping cats on the bed with me, and I shall follow suit shortly. I have some open days next week, so once again I am hopeful I can do some things that need to be done. I also look forward to warmer, longer days to recharge in. Adjusting to the time shift is always annoying, but these are the days that make the shift worthwile. :)

Day 169: on stepping back

As most of what needs to be done has to wait until Monday anyway, today I chose to take a step back and rest, and put the to-do list aside. The day has been an easy one, without a crisis or meltdown, and a much needed respite.

It was a cool sunny day, but not a cold one. Himself and I stopped in at Trader Joe's to grab some breakfast essentials, then he went down to San Diego to tend to some business. I finished the mandala I had colored in for the Spring Equinox, had a nice dinner, and a bit of a nap. I held some gently firm boundaries today.

For her part, the Queen Mother was in a good mood, taking her weekly-ish shower, and helping me out by looking through some documents we found in her closet. We didn't find anything that showed when she was first registered as "disabled," but I wasn't expecting anything to be found here. We did find some old Reader's Digest issues that I'm thinking of passing along.

We had a pleasant surprise when the Queen Mother's bestie stopped by with one of her grand-daughters and her great grandson. Mom got to meet him for the first time. They were only here for a few minutes, but it was nice to see them. Pippa ran and hid, but Inkblot viewed them from a slight distance, looking supremely Unimpressed. ;)

Himself is on his way home, and the Queen Mother is watching a movie on tv. It's a science-fiction thriller that I remember seeing previews of last year, but I forget what it's called. I'm not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow, as I have a few options to consider. We shall see.

Day 165: on stepping out solo

I had lunch today at a good friend's place. She lives in an Independent Living complex and "hosts" her various friends in the main dining hall. Today it was my turn.

Himself was at home with the Queen Mother, so it was a rare opportunity to simply leave home and NOT think about Caregiving, or worry about mom (or the cats, for that matter), and leave all of the red tape and wolves at the door at home. Mom did come up in conversation, mainly because I was asked.

First course was (for me) a roasted red pepper and tomato bisque, with a trip to the salad bar. I had planned on the veggie rice bowl, but when the sandwich du jour turned out to be a three-cheese grilled cheese sandwich, with carmelized onions and a slice of tomato thrown on for good measure, I requested that instead. My sides were rice pilaf and lemon-garlic spinach, so I was good in that way. The meal was sufficiently decadent; to balance that out, I wound up having a second salad with my dinner (which was simply spaghetti).

When I returned home, everyone was fine and there was no drama to take care of, so I felt rather refreshed. I took a brief nap and did some more coloring in my "spring" mandala. I read my usual newspaper sections (Dear Abby and the comics) along with the monthly Caregiver section the paper is now publishing. It's always good to see what the topics are, and how I resonate with them.

Tomorrow and Thursday we get some more rain (almost unheard of in our neck of the woods), so we'll be staying close to home, at least for most of the day tomorrow. It is shaping up to be a rather decent week. :)

Day 161: on returning to stability

Today the cats woke me up about 15 minutes before the alarm I set was to go off. They've been very good and Patient as of late. I gave them breakfast, then chose to embark into the day. Tea and Morning Pages followed, then my breakfast. Today I had to get Himself to cool his jets and wait until I was ready, when so often it has been the other way around. He wants to make an effort to be more Timely to his appointments, and I can work with that.

We were a few minutes early to his Cognitive Behavior Therapy appointment in Oceanside. I'm glad that he insisted that I tagged along, because today's session included Stretching Exercises and Relaxation Techniques, with the appropriate handouts. These I can share with the Queen Mother, because they can all be done from a seated postion.

We saw the traffic going home was already snarling up, so we plotted out a surface-street route to avoid the worst of it. Along the way, we stopped at a Starbucks, and took about fifteen minutes doing nothing but sitting outside and watching planes land at Palomar Airport. (It supports the smaller planes, instead of the commercial jets that land at Lindbergh Field in San Diego.) I actually found myself watching the progress of a wee caterpillar crawling along in front of my feet, while it was being inadvertently helped along by the strong coastal breeze that was rustling all of the plants. We still made it home in time for me to prepare the Queen Mother's dinner, and to make my own.

It has taken me about a week to recover from the Craziness I experienced last week, but I finally feel like I have regained my footing, and am able to move forward reasonably well. The most important thing I did today was to fax the revised medical records request for the Queen Mother to her doctor's office, so I should hear back from them in fairly short order, even if it takes a FedEx delivery to get her records.

Looking very much forward to some well-deserved Beach Time tomorrow. :)

Day 120: on a restful rainy day

Today I achieved my goal of resting. I got to my tea and Morning Pages a bit late, partly because I had a restless cat to calm down, as he was stuck indoors with all the rain falling. He eventually did settle down.

I did a bit of work in the kitchen: washing out glass jars to recycle, sorting grocery bags for future use as trash and cat litter bags, and gathering together bottles. I composed a new to-do list for next week. I also had a nice nap with Inkblot, the aforementioned restless cat. I cooked some quinoa and added some vegetarian chili, along with a mix of white beans and corn that I had thrown together earlier. I added a nice salad, a couple of dinner rolls, and some lime soda, and had an excellent dinner.

I wanted to rest today, and for the most part, I did, enjoying the sound of the rain falling. :)

Day 113: on shifting my focus

I chose today to shift my focus away from the outside world and concentrate more on what was in front of me, at home. I had to get a business call out of the way first, and compose a to-do list for this aspect of my life for the next month.

Once I was finished, and breakfast was eaten, then I went to work in my "favorite" area of the house: the kitchen. I didn't get as much done as I had initially intended, but the bed linens got washed, the trash and some of the recycling got taken out, and I cleaned up the recycling area of the house. The dishes can abide till tomorrow. 

Inkblot "supervised" while I remade the Queen Mother's bed. I found one of the cats' little jingly balls under mom's dresser, so I fished it out and tossed it out in the hallway. Inkblot stared at the ball like he had no idea what to do with it, which is not true; he's just not as enthusiastic with playing with toy balls as much as his sister is. Sure enough, as I'm finishing up with the bed, Pippa started playing with the ball, if the jingling was any indication. Now they're both asleep on my bed, having taken full advantage of this sunny and warm Santa Ana day.

I had an early lunch and a late dinner, and am rather happy for the mental respite. Tomorrow I return my focus to the world outside my home, but in a good way: a meeting with friends to discuss pleasureable business. More to come on that... 

Day 109: on coming out from under

The Heavies from yesterday followed me into today. :p

Basically, I'm waiting on a direct deposit from the State to replenish my account so I can take care of the essentials (like grocery shopping), as well as to get the Queen Mother signed up with her supplemental insurance. I was advised she would need to rejoin AARP in order to take advantage of the insurance. The fee to rejoin is not horrid, but as I currently have less than a dollar in the bank, it's Not Doable at the moment. Add to that the fact the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal hearing is this Thursday, and I'm more than a little antsy about that money coming in, hopefully sooner rather than later! Fortunately, Himself found a small check that he was able to deposit today, so we were able to nip to Trader Joe's and grab a few essentials.

Yesterday and part of today, I felt like I was back in the 2018 dumpster fire again: money all around me, but swirling just out of reach, and no knowing exactly when I would be getting any of it. I think I'm making progress in moving forward in my life and replenishing my well, but when something like this happens, I see how little progress I've made after all, and I find myself stuck like the turtle on my back, limbs flailing as I try to find purchase on something, anything, to grab onto and right myself. 

Today, though, I did find purchase, and righted myself. I took a nap during the day and woke up to get the Queen Mother's dinner ready. Usually I try to keep going, and wind up crashing, totally mentally and emotionally spent, in the evening, after dinner; of course, this doesn't help my trying to get a good night's sleep one bit. With the daytime nap, though, I felt as though I finally had a chance to unclench, and take full breaths again. 

Now I am listening to some "meditative" music on Pandora, something I am beginning to practice consistently this year: from roughly 6:30 to 7:30 in the evening, I'm in my room, listening to my calm music instead of the news, which the Queen Mother chooses instead. I call it my Sanity Hour. ;)

I'm going to tidy up a bit when I'm done here, check on the Queen Mother, then settle back in and color some more of my latest mandala. Tomorrow is indeed another day, and hopefully, one with money! 

Day 85: on refilling my well

While Himself went down to San Diego for Moving Day, I chose to focus on my Inner Work today. I did some more therapeutic writing, clearing out old stagnant energy from the past; now I'm finally ready to review 2018! I also did a whole bunch of coloring on my Yuletide mandala, which I posted a little earlier over on Instagram. It felt good to focus on myself and put the Inner Work first, something I haven't always been successful in doing.

I also did some cooking for myself for dinner tonight, something I was getting into right before I met Himself. It turns out he was a cook in the Navy, and I acted as his sous chef after we got together. Our initial quest was a search for the perfect Palak Paneer, and I think we had just about nailed it when cancer raised its ugly head and put an end to our dual cooking adventures. 

Anyway - I cooked a cup of rice in our handy rice cooker. As that was going, I combined a can of pinto beans and a can of corn in a pot, and added half a box of tomato & red pepper soup, which covered the beans and the corn. I warmed that up on low heat, and took half a "log" of faux meat, crumbled it into a skillet, then browned it on medium heat, adding water as needed. The log said to use oil, but I really didn't want oil spattering everywhere and burning me, or making a big mess. When the rice was done, I combined the "meat" with the bean-corn-soup mixture, then scooped some of the rice into a bowl and covered it with a few ladle-fuls of the mock chili I had just made. This allowed me to combine the rest of the rice and the soup mix in one bowl to refrigerate for later. I ate the small bowl with some tortilla strips...delicious! (I should get 2-3 servings out of what I made tonight.) I'm going to be doing both black and white beans next time, and maybe a bit less soup, but I'm definitely making it again. :q

Himself has returned home with the news that the move from Point A to Point B is complete, and now only a bit of cleanup at the old place remains. He's also planning to rest and sleep in a bit tomorrow. I can't say as I blame him.

Our Sunday support group is tomorrow, a bit earlier than usual due to the holiday schedule. We're looking forward to going.