snapshot of a monday

On the verge of what looks to be an intense and turbulent Eclipse Season, the energy brings me back to the blog to share. I thought I would relate a bit more about what life is like outside of our complex, after the usual updates...

The Queen Mother had an obvious descent into the Land of Confusion for a week, then seemed to plateau this past week, pulling herself back together somewhat. The challenge is, she rarely tells me when she gets significantly Confused, partly because she is of the "I don't want to be a bother" mentality, and partly because she picked up the idea somewhere along the line that I was going to get mad at her and yell at her. I will grant you I am not the most copacetic woman in the world sometimes - especially first thing in the morning and perhaps the first day in the Moontime - but I make a significant effort not to fly off the handle, something much easier to accomplish now that my Depression is not actively flitting around in my head. I help her as I can, and especially when I notice something is a little "off."

She has also taken to talking a lot when she sees me. I suspect she is trying to Use Her Words as much as she can before the time comes when the brain-to-mouth connection no longer works for her. Honestly, I have mixed feelings about that possibility. As much as I might not want to her all the talking, what will it will be like when we basically have to play charades? I have thought of taking pictures of various objects around the house and making flash cards out of them, so she can find the picture of what she is wanting and point to it. I will cross that bridge when we get there.

As for Himself: his aunt (mother's sister) passsed on last Monday. We had an opportunity to tune in to the virtual memorial service yesterday, which was good. We got a chance to see family again, some in Connecticut, some in Texas (especially grateful as the suspicion is Covid paid them a recent visit!), some in Chicago, and some in San Francisco. It was good to schmooze, but as Himself pointed out, we need to do more schmoozing on other occasions than memorial services! We will see what germinates from the seeds that were planted yesterday.

He also went down to the VA last week to attend to a pair of appointments. One of them had been canceled without advising him beforehand, but for a very good reason - two of the wings on the fifth floor (ICU and the surgical ward) were literally taped off due to Covid patients being there, and one of his appointments was supposed to take place in the now off-limits area. It was rescheduled without a huge issue, but it was one of those moments that can really give one pause.

Now, in my neck of the woods...we do not have a curfew time. There are curfews in place in other parts of San Diego County. La Mesa, which is about 30-40 minutes to the south and east of us, experienced its own insanity this past Saturday night, because of a (non-fatal) confrontation between a (white) policeman and a (black) citizen last week. The closest area in curfew to us is Poway, which is about 10-15 minutes south and a little east of us. The North Coounty is, so far, incident and curfew free.  On the other front, most everyone is wearing a mask outside, and of the few who don't, most of them have a mask in hand to put on when they come near significant numbers of people. I'm not sure if folks are standing exactly six feet apart in the lines (mainly to get into Trader Joe's, but I have seen other lines), but social distancing is being practiced without complaint.

I continue to stay away from the news and social media as much as I can. I cycle in and out of the zeitgeist, being a Sensitive who picks up on the Collective energies rather easily. I have a pouch with certain crystals and stones in it that I tuck into a pocket when the energies get too intense to keep me from flying off the edge and/or down the nearest rabbit hole. I have Pandora to stream music when I need it, the playlists of videos I am steadily adding to on YouTube, and some sage and Palo Santo to burn as needed. I don't do a lot of aromatherapy witb Essential Oils because a lot of those oils are actually toxic to cats, and it's important to me that the furkids have fresh air to breathe!

Now for the good news: I have a story that is ready for prime time. Once I run it througb the Editor (a new feature on MS Word that I look forwatd to debating with) and give it a final read-through, it. will. be. finished. Holy shit! Then I'm sending it to a friend up north to see if she likes it. I have also been reading exerpts of things I've been working on to another friend over Zoom on Fridays. 

I have found something interesting in the process - I would rather you read something I wrote instead of me reading something aloud that I have written. When in the spotlight, so to speak, I tend to read very fast and stumble over words. I find myself wanting to work on that to get more comfortable in reading my own writing. There's a Judge in there somewhere...

As I can't think of anything else at the moment, I think I will leave off here and paddle back out into the Great Expanse, until the next time. 

words, worms, & worries

Peeking out from behind the Looking Glass once more...

I have not had a whole lot to say over the past month or so, as my days have a comfortable sameness to them. Enough different things have unfolded, though, that I can now provide an update. In reverse order, then:

The worries first, and most of them are around the Queen Mother. Her mental state continues to deteriorate. She forgets more and more as the days flow around us. She had a significant stomach issue about a month ago, and recovered from that. (No more takeout for her, period.) She mixed up her astringent and her mouthwash a couple of weeks ago, which put me on edge for a few days.

Most recently her cataract consultation was rescheduled, but we didn't reschedule it until we were at the office for the original appointment. (Yes, you have the right number; no, we never got a message on the answering machine.) En route to and from said trip, it became very apparent that 1) mom needed a wheelchair to transport her out of the house, and 2) she was super challenged getting into our car to go home. She is truly Homebound now, and I am making alternate arrangements. Her follow up appointment with her doctor is now going to be via teleconference, and I'm still considering the options for her cataract consult, which she might not even want in another month or two. She's definitely keeping me on my toes!

A much smaller worry is Himself. He is taking care of himself, and had his latest scan and appointment with Oncology this past week. The frenemy desmoid has grown a bit more, but not too much. Everyone has agreed to take a Wait and See approach for any possible future action.

The worms are from the cats. Apparently, Flea Season is going to be extra nasty this year, because the fleas gave the cats a case of tapeworms. They are now de-flead and de-wormed, and seem to be fine - aside from when they coordinate and hork up hairballs on the same day. I will be adding a cat brush to my list.

Most of my energy these days goes to playing with the words of the stories I am putting on the computer. I am in the middle of my third project now, and I recently re-read all of the short stories I wrote some twenty years ago. Some are just about ready for Prime Time, and others need some more work yet. I found the personalized rejection letter I received all those years ago, and after reading the story I thought was ready to be submitted, I can see why. No, it wasn't quite ready at the time. I even cringed a couple of times as I re-read it! 

My dream is to publish these stories, and with Self-Publishing, that dream will soon be a reality. My Big Dream is to find an artist who can put pictures to my words and really bring my stories to life. The one thing that has frustrated me over the years is my inability to illustrate my own stories beyond primitive cartoons. What this envisioning will look like, I don't know; it could be anything from a graphic novel to a filmed project. I would just be thrilled for other people to see these characters as I see them, and see them outside of the "confines" of my Imagination.

So, my days are filled with keeping an eye on the Queen Mother, and feeding cats, and writing, and stepping out with Himself one or two days per week to grab the necessary groceries, and reading. I am rarely on any social media platform these days and I'm reading fewer screens and more actual books! I started by revisting some old friends, then switched to read new-to-me adventures. I'm currently working through the Hunger Games trilogy of books, as the phrase, "May the Odds Be Ever in Your Favor" seems to be entirely too appropriate to describe our current state of affairs. I will add that working on my emotional eating issues has paid off very well, as I am down another ten pounds since this Shift started. Portion Control is a wonderful thing.

When more interesting things happen, I will be back to share them. In the meantime, watch those odds. ;)  

life in the time of corona (virus)

A tip of the hat to Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who wrote Love in the Time of Cholera and provided the inspiration for the title...

In truth, the overall structure of my life hasn't really changed that much, to be honest. I left my job four years ago after Himself's initial cancer diagnosis, because trying to help him, keep an eye on the Queen Mother, and hold down a full time job to boot felt like too much. I have been practicing Staying Home pretty much the whole time.

I will say the timing of the Queen Mother getting back on "deluxe" Medi-Cal could not have been better. (I received my first paycheck today. I found that I need to restart direct deposit into my account, since I didn't realized the check had been mailed to me until I called to see where it was!) She was re-evaluated by In Home Supportive Services just before all hell broke loose, and will actually be getting more hours as of April First. In this way, I am very blessed. Once I get a few bills taken care of, I will see about paying some of my blessings forward.

The fact that casual trips out of the home are all but verboten is a bit of a challenge. Fortunately we live in a gated condo complex, so our exposure to the "outside world" is at a minimum. I joke that we were practicing Social Distancing before it came into vogue. I'm able to step out and take a lap around the complex when I feel like getting some fresh air and sunshine. I'm not the only one who does, as the hour right before dinner recently looked like "social hour," with family units keeping to themselves as they walked. I can adjust my timing accordingly, depending on whether or not I feel like talking to anyone.

The biggest adjustment I've had to make is to runs to the grocery store. I am working on consolidating runs to only once a week, and making do if I run short on something before the "official" day. I'm also rotating the stores I go to, to minimize my exposure at any one location. I wear gloves when I go get the groceries, as the Queen Mother will be 78 on Sunday, and Himself is still somewhat immuno-compromised due to his cancer adventures. So far, though, so good. I've been lucky to get what we've most needed more often than not. Once I had to improvise with cereal, as the options were sparse; another time I've had to wait on getting rice because the rice we normally get was right out. Still, I've managed to keep everyone's belly full.

I have felt challenged with doing anything around the house, or looking at mail, or scheduling tasks...unless it has to do with writing. I have found myself writing consistently more often than not; in fact, I am almost done getting the novel I started with onto the computer. I've done some revising as I've gone along, with notes on further revisions once I review this particular draft. I also have the next few projects lined up to continue writing. Now if only I could channel this ambition into some of the other areas of my life! Perhaps it will come in time.

Most of the time, I feel rather decent. I do have spells of anxiety, but I find myself cycling through them instead of getting stuck within them. I remind myself now and again that I am emerging from a gnarly bout of depression that visited on and off for two and a half years, which followed Himself's cancer adventures, which followed a miscarriage, which followed a high-stress work situation! So there is absolutely no rush, nor reason to rush, getting into deep cleaning the house or aligning with the world as it is now. All things in the fullness of time.

So this is my snapshot of how life is behind the looking glass. I will update as things continue to unfold.

hello from bizarro-land

With visions of Coronavirus skewing the worldview, it seems appropriate to pop in with an update. I did not intend for February to slide completely down the rabbit hole, but it did, and now we have ended up behind the looking-glass. So without further ado, let me bring y'all up to speed...

Regarding Himself: the Mystery Spot turned out to be a lymph node gone rogue. It might, or might not, be related to the genetic condition that gave him a gazillion polyps in his GI tract. He had the biopsy last week, and we have an appointment at the VA this coming Monday to discuss results and next moves. Said appointment might be changed to a phone consult; we shall see.

In addition, his personal injury case (from the car accident in July 2018!) FINALLY settled. All accounting has been squared away, and we received enough to pay the property taxes (done), get new eyeglasses for Himself and Myself (next week), and to buy a new set of tires for the car (in about 2-3 months). Still waiting to see what happens in DC, but the squaring away of this has brought some profound relief.

Regarding the Queen Mother: she has continued to decline, then plateau, with her mental processes slipping a few more gears along the way. I am now documenting when she has her Episodes, and I find that she slips a little more each time. Since we found the cause - her incredible shrinking brain - I am finding that Patience is easier to come by.

Now for the bonus round...there is something called the Pickle Amendment (I kid you not, that's really what it's called) that has apparently opened the door for mom to be back on the Deluxe version of Medi-Cal! In true Mercury Retrograde/Bureaucratic fashion, I received the notifications from Social Security and Health & Human Services before I received the notice from the County office of this miracle. Earlier this week, she was re-evaluated for In-Home Suppportive Services, and I confirmed that I'm still an active Provider on her roster, so guess who is submitting a timesheet on Monday to be PAID to take care of mom! She is also getting more hours per month starting in April, and she is good to go for at least the rest of this year.

Regarding Moi: Besides all of the above good financial news which has really brought a considerable peace of mind, I have gotten back into Writing again, with my first love (Science-Fiction) and the first novel I ever wrote, which has undergone two or three major revisions and will doubtless undergo two or three more before I am satisfied. An unofficial inventory revealed two complete full-length novels, two in-progress full-length novels, a handful of intermediate-length works, a dozen short stories, and several notebooks/notepads full of ideas and snippets.

I was bound and determined to be an Author and Writer in the 90's. The closest I got to actual publication was receiving a personalized rejection letter. I jumped headlong into Metaphysics with the new millennium, but have usually had pen and paper handy to jot something down in the interim. Going back to my original manuscripts has "Sparked Joy" in my spirit, and I have a motivation to get me through the days that I didn't have previously, or even recently. With the advent of Self-Publication, I have the advantage today of not needing to submit to magazines or publishing houses before seeing my work in print out in the world. I won't however, put out garbage stories just so I can see my name in lights. This will be high-quality stuff, if Science-Fiction is your cup of tea. (If anyone is interested in seeing excerpts, holler back. I have come to appreciate the wisdom of a second set of eyes seeing what I might miss.)

So yes, I am alive and feeling better than I have for quite a while - just in time to combat apocalyptic cooties! I will definitely try to post here more often, and might even do a bit of vlogging as well, provided I can figure out the technical aspects. If not, there's always Instagram, though I'm going to be stepping back from that for a few days while people lose their minds. Huh boy...

mystery spot

Here's another one of those damn curveballs Life is infamous for throwing at us...

Himself's oncology follow up brought some unexpected news: there is a "mystery spot" next to his liver that was found on the latest CT scan. It's about an inch in diameter and wasn't present three months ago. It's not a coincidence that Himself hasn't been able to have his CBD oil consistently over these past three months, thanks to our ongoing financial challenges. From that persepective, it's not a total surprise that something would come up.

I guess it wasn't alarming enough in and of itself to call about, but I would have appreciated a heads-up about the spot, and I'm willing to bet Himself would have as well.

The immediate course of action is to have a PET scan, which is scheduled for tomorrow, to see how significantly said mystery spot is glowing. (The brighter the glow, the more likely it's cancerous.) Then there will be a discussion about those results this Thursday, followed most likely by a biopsy. Treatment options, if needed, will be discussed after that.

Hellfire and damnation.

Though Himself is understandably unsettled by the prospect of more cancer and more treatment, that's not my top concern. My concern is returning to the role of caring for two people at the same time, with very little, if any, available help.

The Queen Mother is not the same as she was in 2016. Her body has definitely picked up the pace to catch up with her mind. True, she's not nose-diving into the ground, but she has not been the same since her dual appointments at the start of this month. This past Friday she went to bed super early, claiming not to be hungry and declining dinner, which just about triggered a full blown panic attack in me. She turned out to be fine - even getting up at midnight to take out her dentures - and is back to complaining about silly things, but I am very much aware that she is going to need Supervision sooner rather than later. She's also continuing to drop words and finding it harder to keep track of conversations, so her mind continues to lead the way Homeward.

I am trying to take each day as it comes and not "future trip," as a good friend of mine put it. My first priority is to stay Sane. I will work on Positivity later. For the record, the cats are taking turns in snoozing on me/beside me. (Inkblot is snoring beside me as I type this.) I would have lost it long ago if it hadn't been for their presence in my life.

Will return later with an update, when I have it. Prayers appreciated in the meantime. 

parallel paths

Of course, after I post about how wonderful and optimistic everything was feeling, along came some other rising tides that were not so fun, although they turned out to be very insightful.

There was the anger that arose from deep within as I moved through some Pre-Menstrual Sensitivity. Once I had fully felt the anger, I realized it was arising from a big unmet need that I have been challenged by on this Odyssey: the need for Respite. Finding breathing space for myself is not easy with only one car to split between two drivers, along with a limited gas budget. I would love for Himself to stay home a bit more so I could "escape" for a few hours while he keeps an eye on the Queen Mother, but he has "Year End Obligations" as Treasurer of the Alano Club: reports to put together, donor thank you letters to send, information to get together for tax purposes. I try not to get resentful as he fulfills his obligations, but sometimes it's sorely tempting.

I feel like I am traveling on parallel paths: the path of the Burdened Caregiver, taking care of a mother who is sliding once again downhill (slowly, easily, but definitely downhill), and the path of the Home-Based Entrepreneur, who has found her voice  again and is re-establishing herself after a significant absence. As much as I would like to set up shop and perhaps even start making a little money for myself, without opportunities for Respite, doing anything with any sort of consistency will be impossible, as long as taking care of the Queen Mother is my top, and overwhelming, priority.

As long as I'm on this topic, there is also something a little disconcerting about feeling like I'm coming back to life at the same time the Queen Mother is getting nearer, however incrementally, to her passing. It almost feels like I'm doing her a disservice by not waiting till after she's gone before fully stepping back into my life. Ridiculous, of course, but that's how caregiving for a parent (especially) can warp one's thinking.  I am in another period of adjustment, seeing what I need to do to balance this equation once more, and I need to give myself credit for that.

Tomorrow I begin my Moontime once more, and will see if I can take the opportunity to chart a new course through these unknown waters I am sailing through in this Odyssey of mine.

turning tides

So I am sitting here, writing a new blog post and sipping some "Candy Cane Green Tea" from Trader Joes, a gift from a friend. There is a lot of Peppermint in this tea, as my mouth tingles a little after every sip! I am wanting an Evening Teatime as of late, to bookend the Tea and Morning Pages time that seems to help me anchor myself as I start my day. Perhaps it is my version of a digestif; if nothing else, it's definitely much lower in calories than anything I could munch on, and I've done enough of that already in this Odyssey, to my detriment!

Anyway, some better updates:
The Queen Mother seems to be improving incrementally. She is no longer spending half the day in bed, and is sounding more like her usual self. I say that she's not truly decent unless she has something to complain about, and she is picking up about where she left off, which was the day of her doctor's appointments. She is emailing her friends again, so this is also good.

Himself received an update from his personal injury attorney. One of the insurance agencies for one of the other drivers involved in the car accident in 2018 had agreed to what Himself's attorney had asked for, and had cut a check. Now there is the matter of persuading the other insurance agency to follow suit. Even if this agency agrees tomorrow and cuts the check, though, we're still not finished. There is the matter of asking our insurance agency if they would be willing to reduce their reimbursement request for the Med-Pay that Himself received to take care of his various post-accident complaints. Then we circle back once again to your friend and mine, the Veteran's Administration. Apparently they need to be asked if they would be willing to settle for less than their billed amount - which also happens to contain items that had nothing to do with the accident. We might be waiting until the next decade starts for a response, and I'm only half-joking.

Something interesting has been happening to me in the interim. I found a post on Instagram about something called the "30 Day Perfectionism Challenge," which is about breaking out of perfectionist tendencies. I embraced this challenge and have been doing it imperfectly in a big way. I've fallen behind and caught up. I've swapped days around as I've needed to. I have also made videos in response to some of these prompts. In so doing, parts of myself that I thought had been lost during this Odyssey have been found, and I feel like I'm getting back into my groove. I'm not sure what will happen once the challenge is over, but I will see if I can keep the momentum going.

May these tides continue to turn in my favor! :)

notes on the queen mother

Here we are, a bit more than a week into the new year/decade, and this is the first entry on this blog for 2020. I will be honest, I've been rather distracted by the Queen Mother for much of this time. She had a pair of doctors appointments on the 2nd, and has been on a downhill slope ever since. (Not a steep slope, but moving in a definite downhill direction nonetheless.) :(

What it looks like: she has been getting up later in the morning. She eats breakfast, but not as much as in the past, and then lies down again until sometime in the afternoon. Her dinner has also been shrinking, just a little. She will watch tv in the evening, then go to bed earlier than usual. She says something is "not right," but can't articulate exactly what is wrong. She is a bit more confused with her words, and has a little more trouble following along in a conversation.

Some of the problem was solved with her last Primary Care appointment; though we had received the letters with her test results, it was only when we were visiting with Dr. M. that we learned that mom's brain had shrunk, moreso than what can be accounted for with normal aging. He prescribed Aricept for her, but that might also be contributing to the severity of this "episode." (It has previously taken her a day or two to recover from going out and coming back home, but this has been going on for a week, with no sign of significant improvement.) As for the other appointment, she went to see the eye doctor, who declared she was now a "good candidate" for cataract surgery. We have the initial consultation scheduled for March.

On the one hand, I would like to take mom to urgent care to see if there's something underlying that might have been previously missed, that might be making its presence known now. On the other hand, getting her out of the house and returning home again is not only physically taxing, it also disrupts her routine, which is becoming ever more precious to her. So I'm not entirely sure how to proceed. Maybe find a doctor that can come to the house?

I have been pretty well staying home, reluctant to leave the house in case she needs help with something. Yesterday I helped her for the first time with taking a shower. The pain in her back and knees remains pretty well constant. I managed to get out for an hour today to pick up a few groceries, but what I really want to do is to get out and not have an errand or two to pursue, just have a wee respite. This, of course, would mean that Himself would have to stay at home for a few extra hours. Easier said than done, as he is up to his eyeballs in year-end financial reporting, since the Alano Club is a nonprofit organization. I remember a thing or two about that from my bookkeeping days, many moons ago.

So there you have it. Hopefully more to come later, Queen Mother permitting...

updates & picking up some pieces

This was one of those get-banged-up-and-slide-over-the-finish-line-sideways months.

Good news: I got my 24 hours of Respite in. :) I checked into a nearby, but not too near by, hotel on the 12th and stayed overnight, checking out on the 13th. I soaked in their hot tub under the full moon and in the mists as hot water met cold air. They offered a free breakfast, which I took advantage of, and enjoyed an hourlong, uninterrupted breakfast. When I left, I was downright blissy.

Bad news: This last week has been particularly rough, as my lower back seized up (again) and I got a head cold pretty much simultaneously, while still in the Moontime! My back is now good and I am getting over the cold. Today was the first day after several where I didn't feel like I was trying to reach down to touch my diaphragm and hack up a lung. :p

The "WTAF" moment comes courtesy of the County of San Diego: I turned in the 

Queen Mother's paperwork for her Medi-Cal and her CalFresh (food stamps) on the same day. They have since sent me three notices of her Medi-Cal Share of Cost going up, while simultaneously calling to inform me that they don't have her CalFresh form! As she was only getting $16 per month, I realized that I was getting angry over pretty much nothing. As the Cost of Living Adjustments both she and Himself are getting for the next year total more than that, I'm letting this situation go entirely. I am so completely over the bumbling incompetence!

As for the Queen Mother: her bloodwork results came back right after my last post; no surprise they turned out Absolutely Normal. So: no official Dementia diagnosis, and we slog on, with a little more money going forward. She has been complaining about being cold "all the time," and we are having a mild Winter, comparatively speaking. She has also been taking to bed for a post-breakfast "nap," more often than  not, since I had my Respite. Physically, she's slipped a little more downhill, as her body catches up to her mind, which continues to lose words and comprehension by degrees. :(

Himself thinks he will be getting his personal injury settlement from his rear-ender sometime this next month. The current challenge is the hardball the insurance companies for the other involved parties are playing. Negotiations are ongoing. In DC, meanwhile, his Veteran's attorneys are planning to get him classified as "Totally and Permanently Disabled," which comes with its own set of perks. After that is done, they plan to ask after the Carpal Tunnel decision: why did the VA go back to 2015 in its award, and not back to 1993, especially when there is evidence to support the latter date? That is the new million dollar question. There are also some access privileges he will be getting at military exchanges starting tomorrow, so that might be worth exploring.

A funny thing has happened as I have rested my back and coughed through my cold: I find the Heaviness has lifted from my spirit, the Depression has dissolved, and I am feeling some Hope for the first time in a while. It seems to be a bit more than the excitement over starting a new year & new decade. I am finding myself in a similar place to where I was at the end of 1997/start of 1998: very familiar with Shadows in Darkness, and desiring to cultivate a "lighter side" to my personality. In the spirit of Beginning Again, SARK's Living Juicy will be by my side once again as I wend my way through the days of 2020, definitely older, perhaps wiser. Yes, there will be some Ceremony tonight and tomorrow!

I also have some things to look forward to - Star Trek: Picard in a few weeks, and Wonder Woman 1984 next Summer. Both of the preview trailers look Awesome! ...and now you know two of my favorite things. I am a total Next Generation Trekker, and I watched Diana's adventures when she was played by Lynda Carter, way back in the day. I will be catching up with her current iteration on TNT sometime in the next month. ;)

I'm not a huge one for making New Year's Resolutions these days, but one Intention I will declare is to blog a bit more often here. To be honest, there have been times when I have wanted to, these past few weeks, but haven't, because I didn't want to sound like I'm kvetching and whining all of the time. With the clearing of my mind, perhaps I will be able to talk without it turning into a pity party...

backing into acceptance

Though we haven't received the Queen Mother's blood test results yet, we did receive word this past Friday of her CT scan: Yes, she has a brain; No, there still isn't anything apparent in it that would indicate Alzheimer's or a specific dementia. No news should be good news, BUT - the doors that would have opened with a definitive diagnosis remain closed, at least for now. So we slog on.

I vented in my Morning Pages the next day: mom is not sick enough, not poor enough, not this nor that. Then I wonder why I have a hard time asking for help these days; why should I even bother when the answer will most likely be some form of NO? No, we can't help because your mother doesn't quite fit our criteria. No, we can't help you unless you can pay through the nose, which at this moment, isn't possible.

So I heaved a huge raspberry at it all, and spent Friday night and Saturday night out, conversing with folks who have their cognitive faculties reasonably intact...and suddenly found myself enjoying myself in the company of Himself and our mutual friends. Sunday was a formal daytime support group, followed by more informal support in the evening, as Himself and I paid a visit to one of my dear sisters, who was in a car accident two weeks ago (!!) and was just now beginning to feel human again. We heard her, we helped her to laugh, I brought in some healing for her. Suddenly I'm feeling more Sane and Present than I have in quite some time.

Today I managed to gather myself together enough to work huswifery magic in the kitchen and remove the recycling, placing the assorted papers, bottles, and cans in their respective bins, then loading up the dishwasher. The bonus round was sweeping the living room floor clean. I have found myself slowing way down these past few days, reading a lot, napping some, and staying more or less inert. Lying Low seems to be my modus operandi for now, to what end is yet to be determined.

I need to get in a grocery run tomorrow before Himself disappears down to San Diego again to play in Quickbooks. Somehow he managed to get himself elected to being the Alano Club treasurer last month. Gods help us all. He did manage to take a breather from the drama llama stampedes this past weekend, though, and I got in some quality Spousal Time. This probably helped with my state of mind.

I have something very special cooked up for later in the week. Will do the big reveal later. Watch This Space! :)

getting through

Well, I managed to grab the salad fixings for the Turkey Day potluck dinner last week at the Alano Club, along with what I needed to hunker down through the holiday to get to the other side. I was all ready to brave the rain and the crazy driving with Himself last Thursday, until I was unexpectedly hurtled into Moontime. I still managed to make the salad and sent it off with Himself, and he brought back leftovers for me and the Queen Mother. Most of that day, though was spent flat on my back, in bed, with much napping.

It's not that I'm doubled over in pain when my Moonflow really gets going. Yes, I feel cramps, but they're more intense than actually painful, and that's only for the first day or two. What really stops me in my tracks is the feeling of all of my free energy retreating into my uterus and staying there, from a day or two before I actually start,  until the flow starts to ebb after a couple of days of significant bleeding. Adding to the fun is the dark river of emotions that rises close to the surface, instead of flowing in the depths of my mind. This time around, I was reacquainted with my Anger. Some of my boundaries still felt disregarded and stepped upon, and they were not happy about that. When I was awake, it was a good time for some Shadow Work - mainly in acknowledging that Yes, I was feeling these feelings, and Yes, these feelings are Valid. 

When I need to, and when I'm given enough warning, I can pull myself together sufficiently to go out into the world while in my Moontime. I got the (ahem) "opportunity" to skim along in the Black Friday shopping frenzy because cats need to eat and poop in their litter box, and people need to eat too. I managed to cross just about everything off of our grocery lists, and happily melted back into bed once we got home. It was good to ride the energetic waves to get the shopping done, and it was just as good to leave the waves behind and return to calm smooth waters.

The page has now turned to December, and with the new month came the all-important Blood Draw plus CT Scan for the Queen Mother. We did that earlier today, and it will probably take another day or two for her to recover. Her big challenges are 1) her diminutive stature, and 2) the osteoarthritis in her legs, which all but eliminates any range of motion. Just about all the medical equipment is scaled for folks at least five feet in height, and she's below that threshold by a good half-foot. She was in a great deal of pain when she returned home and was swearing up-down-and-sideways that she wouldn't be doing anything like that Ever Again. She has since napped and eaten, so her attitude has perked up a bit.

These tests will tell us if there is a specific species of Dementia in her brain, or if it's all just aggressive Cognitive Impairment. At the very worst, we will continue to slog along as we have been; at best, we will be able to access resources specific to certain Dementias once we have an official diagnosis in hand. I am looking for an answer, even if there is no obvious answer to be had. I should know the results sometime this week.

We are drying out again and anticipating a bit more rain this week, but not in the quantities that we've had the past two weeks. I'm keeping my shoes and socks handy. ;)

yup, still here ;)

I see it's been about a week, so I thought I would take advantage of the relative
quiet here and check in.

I had planned to write sooner, but I had another a visit from my "bestie," Depression. She stopped by after I had to cancel my planned therapy appointment because I did some math, and realized I needed to get cat food more than I needed to get my head shrunk. Of course, to my Very Little One, that represented yet another Broken Promise that I could not keep for myself.

I was recovering from that when I got waylaid by some sort of sinus issue. Cold or Infection, I'm not sure, but I felt like crap, had to force myself to eat, and spent more time asleep than awake. These are my signs that I'm really and truly sick, and when I added that to my Depression, oh was that loads of fun! Do not wake me until at least 2025, please! I did start feeling better yesterday with the clearing of the brain fog out of my head. Today, however, my lower back began protesting, so I've continued to keep my activity level low key.

It was not hard to stay chill. actually, as the skies opened up this afternoon and the rain came down with a vengeance for Southern California. Hello, Winter Storms of 2019! We're supposed to get more rain tomorrow, then have it taper off on Thursday, leading to seventy-degree temps for the weekend and beyond. I joke that I took a "second shower" when I went out with Himself to grab the yogurt he forgot to get yesterday. I splurged a little and got myself an Eggnog Greek Yogurt. Some folks go crazy for Pumpkin Spice. My holiday turn-on is all things Eggnog (the "unleaded" version, of course.)

Oh yes, we finally got the anticipated authorization for the Queen Mother's CT scan as well. I had the appointment set up for her, but had to cancel it due to the Creeping Crud. If I can play my cards right, I can get her bloodwork done in the same building prior to the CT scan, so I'm going to give that a shot. She seems to have improved physically, but is now having trouble telling time on a regular clock. I have resisted going totally digital, but might not have a choice any longer.

Though the first part of the week was trashed, I'm looking forward to some fun things in the second half of the week. Hopefully I can get myself back into at least a semblance of balance in the next few days, as I have not been a happy camper as of late...

time apart + veteran's day

Last week Himself traveled up to Seattle. He managed to finagle his way home on Sunday instead of Monday. I stayed home with the Queen Mother, who is plateauing - not getting better, but not getting any worse either.

Last Thursday was the hardest. Though I tried to look on the positive side, I also allowed myself to feel the disappointment of not being able to go. I did manage to make it to the Caregiver Support Group that evening, and it was exactly what I needed. My check in was long overdue, and it was good to share and be affirmed and witness other's stories.

Friday I made it to my Recovery meeting. Though I was tempted not to go, I needed to ensure the door was open for any "newcomers." It turned out to be a good meeting as well.

I had plans for the weekend, but they dissolved as my Introversion grew stronger. In theory, I was "conserving gas," but in practice, I really didn't want to go out. I was feeling overwhelmed and wanting nothing more than to rest. I did get myself out the door on Sunday to grab some groceries, and of course I made it down to the airport that evening to pick up Himself and bring himbhome.

I am noticing that I need to push myself just a little, especially when it's just me and the Queen Mother, and Himself is running around. I am tending toward Not Doing Anything when I don't have to. I'm not sure whether this is recovering from Burnout or a new iteration of my Depression; most likely it's some combination thereof. There's a part of me that needs to get out and connect with friends, so I need to make a bit of an effort to get off of my duff and get myself out there, for my sanity.

With Himself at home, we were able to take advantage of yesterday's Veteran's Day bargains. He wound up getting free breakfast and dinner, and graciously paid for mine. It's not that I was taking the day for granted, but being on a shoestring budget, and wanting some We Time with my significant other, it behooved me to take advantage of the situation. I had some lovely leftovers this evening for dinner.

I will finish my catching up tomorrow, as I'm feeling complete now. 

reaching (more) acceptance

I have a cat asleep on my legs at the moment, so it might take some time to get this particular post typed and published. I am typing mainly by touch at the moment, so although I might not move with lightning speed, I will be pretty accurate. Of all the classes I took in high school, typing has been the most useful by far, certainly more so than trigonometry. ;)

Anyway, tonight I come to the blog filled with more Acceptance than I've known in a very long time. I am accepting that when Himself and I drive down to the airport tomorrow morning, I'm staying behind and driving back home. Not only am I now okay with not going, but I've been considering what I will be able to do without him. As always, the Queen Mother will be my first priority, but I might be able to slip in a wee outing here and there.

A small update: originally we were going to come home on Monday, the 11th. When it became apparent that the excursion was going to be a solo one, Himself looked into flying home on Sunday instead. Today he confirmed that would indeed be the case, so I will be picking him up Sunday evening. This is nice because we'll be able to celebrate Veteran's Day together, if only in a low-key way.

Back to the topic: I accept that the Queen Mother's condition is continuing to decline. Her "Homeward Descent" seems to have plateaued a bit again, but she is still rather worse off than she was before her last "episode" a week ago, physically and mentally. I also accept that I don't know how long this process will take - six more months? six more years? My grandmother lived into her mid-90's, and while we all hope that doesn't happen with the Queen Mother, especially mom herself, there is the possibility that she could live as long as, or even longer than, her mother. I do have a plan coming together the longer this Odyssey goes, though.

I accept that all of my Big Plans - the ones that involve some quantity of money - are all officially On Hold until said money arrives, hopefully sooner than later, sometime next year. I turn back to the idea of Going Small and see what I can create for myself. I have already found myself a hotel room which I will be escaping to (for twenty-four hours) next month. There are places to eat within walking distance, and unless Google Maps is way out of date, there is a Hot Tub waiting for me to soak in at the hotel. Oh Simple Joys! :)

I accept that I need to work a bit more on asking for help, and just as significantly, receiving said help. Here is a place for me to examine my Shadow material and see what can be done.

I accept that, although the writing of the Morning Pages and the Timed Writing exercises are helpful, I could still use a neutral party to hear my vent and suggest things I might not be seeing. I start therapy next Thursday.

That's what I'm currently accepting now. There may be more later, but it looks like I will need to charge up the keyboard first. The cat is still asleep on my legs, too.

on, and off, the rollercoaster

Well, that was unintentional. I had planned to blog again last Friday, but Himself and I were delayed in coming home, and then I chatted with a friend for about two hours (because it had been a while and reconnection was long overdue). By the time I got off the phone, it was late, and I was tired. I could have posted after midnight, since the strictures of this blogging process had been eased with the completion of my year long project, but I chose to wait instead, thinking I would post again by Monday at the latest.

Then everything got worse, at least in my headspace.

For me, the trip up to Seattle is not meant to be, not this year. The money is Just Not There for me to go along with Himself; moreover, the only reason he is able to go is because his way has been paid for by the local region! Every time I thought I had hit upon a solution that would work, the solution would dissolve after further inquiry. I have a few very good leads for some help Long-Term, but for right now, all the solutions lie just out of reach. I wound up Imploding, crying off and on (mostly on) through Monday night.

Tuesday was, by and large, a Do Nothing Day. I did help Himself clean up the bathroom a little (though he did most of the heavy work), but for most of the day I felt stuck and numb. Plans had fallen through one time too many, I thought, and I wasn't sure how I would be able to pull myself together once again.

I turned to what I knew best - writing - and took some deep dives, both within my Morning Pages and outside of them in some Timed Writing sessions. As the words came together, so did the Insights. To summarize, I started out questioning why I clung so hard to Expectations, and wound up staring at my Very Little Inner Child sitting atop a pile of Broken Promises, thinking there must be "Something Wrong" with her. It made sense as well: my Depression felt so Heavy not just out of Frustration, but out of Disappointment, that Yet Another Promise had been broken, Yet Again.

This, I can work with. I can meet these images and visions with Healing Ceremonies, speaking the language of Metaphor and Archetype. Once I reached the A-Ha! moment, life began to lighten and clear up again.

In the meantime, I need to back up half a step. Today both Himself and the Queen Mother received their monthly deposits in their respective accounts. Yesterday, we came up a bit short financially, and had to "Make Do" in a few areas. The cats did not complain when they were fed "people" tuna, but the Queen Mother sure did! She did a lot of ranting yesterday, for she felt certain parts of her Daily Routine had been altered in Ways She Did Not Like. Today she paid the price for her stressing with her worst "episode" yet. She still hasn't quite recovered from yesterday, and I might be calling the Nurse Advice line tomorrow if she's still in a Bad Way.

The Queen Mother, you see, is not very good at Screaming or Crying or throwing any sort of temper tantrum. Sometimes I wonder if she tried to "Vulcanize" herself (a la Mr. Spock in Star Trek, as she always prided herself at remaining cool and UNemotional, unlike my father, who never felt the need to restrain himself, at least in mom's eyes. (If I had a dollar for every time she said, "You're just like your father," and not meaning it as a compliment, I wouldn't have near the money issues that I do now!) With her mind unraveling, and gallstones now present, I suspect that she's now paying the price for Stuffing It All Deep Down for most of her life.

Last night was a grabbing of Essentials, as Himself got a wee windfall before the Main Payday; tomorrow is the Full Shopping day, along with Laundry and paying a few bills. We shall be making hay as the sun shines! With any luck, I won't be gone for so long in between blog posts, either. :)

"it could be worse"

Today was not the best day. It wasn't even a good day.

I started with some deep and necessary conversation with Himself, and felt a bit better afterwards. Then the Queen Mother was upset that the cats were in the kitchen and there was no food at that moment for them, never mind that they had eaten their "second breakfast" roughly an hour before. I was in the middle of my "first" breakfast, and Insisted that I was going to Finish My Breakfast before going out and replenishing the cat food. She's all about taking care of everyone else before yourself - and I am So Over that, with my Caregiver Burnout.

I did set out after breakfast and got a decent amount of cat food while Himself stayed home and worked on a grant application for the Alano Club on the computer. After I decompressed a bit, we went out to take care of a few moree errands. As the afternoon progressed, I realized I was going to need to prepare my go-to of mac-n-cheese and stay home this evening, as the crowds were starting to feel oppressive. My already frazzled nerves were fraying all the way down, and I was needing to breathe deeply just to maintain a modicum of control. Anxiety is no fun, folks.

Himself was still considering going to the seminar when he was called down to the Club for emergency coverage of the Coffee Bar shift. When we found out why, I realized that my problems really weren't that bad, and at least one other person was having a worse day than I was. He is on his way home with recycling in tow, which will help with making sure we have enough to cover us for the next week.

I watched a few funny videos earlier to lighten my mood, and they seemed to work, along with the mac-n-cheese. We will take care of the recycling tomorrow, and maybe, just maybe, get a workout in before our joint Friday meetings. As with everything else these days, I am not holding my breath. 

climbing back on the blogging bandwagon

I have not had the best week this week. I went on what I'm calling a Depression Bender for a few days, starting on Wednesday (my birthday, as it happens). I felt better on Saturday after doing a bit of Shadow Work, but today has been an anxious day, and I got to the point where my nerves were completely fried and I could not do anything else but take a nap. I do feel more stable and less anxious after my nap, though.

I thought I had found the perfect set up for watching over the Queen Mother while I went on vacation with Himself to Seattle. When I talked with the lady at SCRC, though, she informed me that the (reasonable) daily rate was for housing mom at the residential facility they work with. Problem is, who would come in and feed the cats? We boarded them during the fumigation of our condo, and that was a near disaster, as they quit eating and pooping and were downright miserable. (Oh yes, and when we got them home again, they puked for nearly an entire week!) When I asked after the hourly rate, I was informed that it would be twice as expensive as the residential price - and the rate of $13.50 per hour is HALF of what any agency in the area would charge.

The tricky part is that the Queen Mother doesn't necessarily need someone to stay all night with her, but she does need help in going to bed the first time, as it is very painful for her, and she usually doesn't get to be till about midnight. (At the moment, she can manage getting up to pee in the wee hours by herself.) She has also mentioned several times that she gets lonely when we have to leave the house to take care of our business. Translation: she relies on me to keep her company. :p

The idea that we wouldn't have enough money to have someone come and watch her, combined with the idea that I would have to give up Yet Another Vacation, on top of the pressure I (unwittingly) put on myself to have a "good day" on my birthday...it was all too much. We're now back to square one to find someone who can come and watch her, hopefully at a reasonable cost. This time, fortunately, Himself is helping me to look for someone. I am saving the research I have already done, because when we get the next infusion of money, I will be going through one of these agencies to bring someone in to spell me for respite.

And about money - the financial windfall has been used up. I'm trying very hard not to blame either Himself or myself for not being more thrifty with the money, and it didn't help that we had to pay a third of what we had received to his DC attorney. I admit, the outlook today isn't as bleak as it once was: the personal injury settlement is in progress, and we are waiting to hear from one of the insurance companies. (The other one has responded in a less than satisfactory way, and he might be pursuing mediation against them.) Himself's attorney in DC is set to present the idea that he is Totally and Permanently Disabled, which would bring his "service connection" to 100%. This would mean a big jump in his monthly pension, dental work covered by the VA, forgiveness of his student loan debt, and insurance for me. Himself is also planning on pursuing the original carpal-tunnel case further, as 2015 doesn't go back far enough, not when he has evidence regarding his condition dating back to 1993. On top of all of that, Himself and the Queen Mother are both set to receive Cost of Living increases starting in January, which will help.

Our financial situation isn't as bleak as it was, as we have definitive progress...but try telling that to my beyond-frazzled nervous system, which has been waiting and waiting and has no cushion left to absorb any perceived blows. Try telling that to my frayed emotions, which have been waiting and waiting for some sort of Relief and takes every setback like it's thermonuclear devastation. Try telling that to my weary spirit, which has traded Expectation for Faith, and has clung to expectations so hard, in a This or Nothing way, that these expectations are becoming toxic. In other words, the windfall was nice, but it didn't alter the fact that I'm still a Hot Mess inside.

This is why I'm returning to daily, or at least weekdaily, posting on the blog. It's when I stopped doing it regularly that I realized its importance: it was serving as a place where I could vent, as well as share, regardless of whether or not I had an audience. (I did/do appreciate the comments, though, so please keep them coming!) More, it was something I could rely upon within myself, and help me get through the day. If I did nothing else on some days but post on my blog, I was doing Something, and often times that was just enough to keep me afloat, or at the very least, ignoring the pressure that threatened to squeeze me into a bloody pulp. I'm already feeling better having reclaimed my "voice" and letting loose here, in fact.

Next I need to share the Good Stuff that's transpired, but I'll save that for the next day or two. Promise. 

missing the daily posting, sort of

Confession time: yes, a part of me misses the daily posting on the blog here. A bigger part of me was preoccupied with my Moontime these last few days, so that part was glad not to post, because I wasn't sure if I would have any words to bring to the table. My rational mind goes fuzzy while I bleed, and I disconnect from the outside world. Once the heaviest of the bleeding has passed, though, I feel myself starting to "ascend" from the depths of my mind and I begin to reconnect with the world and start using words again.

I finally managed to schedule the Queen Mother's Prolia injection for her osteoporosis, which will take place next Monday. We are still waiting for the authorization for her CT scan; we plan to take care of her bloodwork on the same day. She is doing better physically - not as many naps, and she seems to be not so loopy and grumpy - but she has slipped a little more mentally, finding it more difficult to get the words to express herself from mind to mouth. I'm wondering if asking for a urinalysis to look for a UTI might not be a bad idea, since that seems to plague folks the Queen Mother's age (and older) a lot.

Himself has a big week coming up this week. He has a PET scan tomorrow, to track an "odd nodule" somewhere in his intestines and see if it's glowing more, or less. He will also be getting some blood drawn for labs prior to the PET scan. Then we visit the oncologist on Thursday to hear the results of this latest round of tests and see if he's still in remission. I'm betting he will be. Friday brings us a follow up with the weight control people, where he will be updating them on his progress. In the meantime, the Alano Club (where he's the Secretary of the Board of Directors) is keeping him plenty busy. He's had to "imitate a morning person" for the past few days, and he doesn't do as good of a job as I do. ;)

A little something interesting: when Himself and I first got together, I got to the point where I didn't want to do Everything Together because I didn't want to cultivate any codependency. Now that he has been away more than he's been at home as of late, I find myself both missing him, and also wondering where that Independent Streak of mine went! Things at the Club should start slowing down now, with a bit more stability being introduced, so perhaps I'll get my husband back.

I'm also going to enroll in a program that the Southern Caregiver Resource Center is offering, where we pay half of the going rate for an Agency-supplied caregiver, and SCRC will pay the other half. I've narrowed it down to two agencies, and I have a few questions I need answered before I make my selection, the most important being whether or not we can get someone who likes cats! I'm thinking I will need to get another bags of bribes - I mean, treats - in order for the caregiver to win the cats over. One big step in getting ready to go to Seattle!

Thus and so, what has been going on for me over the past few days, and what is to come.

blogging when i don't feel like it ;)

Yesterday I said I would see everyone today, and of course, today I don't feel like blogging, because for the past few days I have been anti-social and anti-people. Part of it is being tired, part of it is trying to keep my energy strong and open when I'm not feeling that way, and part of it is unintentionally carrying around the baggage from everyone else. For this last part, I have a little trick I use: I ask, deliberately and sometimes aloud, "How much of what I'm feeling is Actually Mine?" I always feel lighter after about a minute or two and can usually ascribe a percentage to what has sloughed off. Today, a whopping 80% I was feeling was NOT mine! Such are the joys of being a Sensitive. :p

I also know a part is directed toward the Queen Mother. Mom can be trying on the best of days, and as her Dementia progresses, she can get quite obsessive over things that wouldn't have bothered her ten years ago. Today it was about the cats "not being allowed to go outside anymore." She freely admits that she is projecting her limitations upon them, and she considers the coyote sightings we have had around her the equivalent of Fake News. Nothing that I have said to her makes a difference. Tonight, Himself called at just the perfect time to leave the room, and it was time for the evening news when I got off the phone with him, so I turned on the tv and left her to watch the news as I went into the other room to eat my dinner in peace.

It was another double laundry day for Himself and myself, as we each washed a load and took our loads to the laundromat for drying. Inkblot did some of his up close and personal supervising again, this time waiting until I had almost loaded the washer completely before jumping in. Of course I took him out before I started the washer up. I think he rebalanced the washer tub after his sojourn in it, which is a good thing; the unbalanced tub jolted me awake this morning as it went into its spin-dry and sounded like a train about ready to go off the tracks!

I also posted what seems to be my most popular Inktober drawing to date: the "Coffee Zombie," who is drawn more to coffee than to brains. I felt like I had lost the spark last night when I attempted to draw a dog looking at a fly that had landed on its nose. I posted it even though I didn't want to, because I felt like it wasn't at all good, even for a doodle. Not everything is going to be a winner as I exercise my doodling muscles, though - and in truth, I was feeling a little rushed because it was after 11pm when I realized I hadn't drawn anything, and it had already been a long day. So yeah, dog-with-fly wasn't my best, and Coffee Zombie, which I had the idea of doing and the time to doodle it, felt much better.

We will be shopping for groceries tomorrow and getting ready for Yom Kippur, the famous Day of Atonement in the Judaic tradition. Not sure if I'm going to blog tomorrow or Wednesday, so watch this space...

Day 356: on a non-frentic friday

Today was dry and cooler, and another slow, easy day. I took pictures of the cats and posted them on Instagram. I tried some maple bread from Trader Joe's with peanut butter for breakfast and found it to be a tasty combo. I got my hair washed for the first time in nearly a week - always a significant accomplishment when five-minute showers are the norm. I snuck a dinner date out with Himself, eating cheap burritos. We went out to the synagogue afterwards, for Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) is just around the corner. On the way back home, we indulged in some ice cream from Baskin Robbins, and even brought a scoop home for the Queen Mother.

Speaking of mom...she was better today, for the first time this week. She still had her mid-day nap, but wasn't out for as long. She says she was "over" getting on the computer for the daily emailing she does with her bestie, but I think she is covering for the fact she might not remember how to get on the computer and what to do when she is on. I have found a website where I can construct a "personal website" for her and update family and friends on her behalf; it might be time to visit that site. As for the tests, she has decided to wait until we get the authorization letter (from her insurance) for her CT scan, then will go get bloodwork when I schedule the procedure with whichever radiology department she's referred to.

As for my other "patient," the GI folks at the VA managed to get a hold of Himself; he has rescheduled his combination endoscopy + flex sigmoid appointment for mid- December. He also rescheduled his next visit to get his port flushed so that it stays free of infections. He elected to keep the port that was inserted in him for his chemotherapy, mainly because nurses have had difficulty accessing the veins in his arms, not to mention the fact that he has a significant aversion to needles. It has proven very handy in the years following his chemotherapy infusions, but he needs to visit the VA Medical Center to get it flushed with Heparin once a month. If there's a need to draw blood for labs, the nurses draw the blood first, then do the flushing. So far, this has worked out quite nicely.

I'm intending on doing a bit of cleaning up tomorrow morning, then going down with Himself to the Alano Club, followed by joining him at the regular Saturday night meeting he attends, as he has the all-important duty of Coffee-Maker for this meeting. Of course, this will depend upon how decent the Queen Mother is feeling that day. Although it would be nice if she started to feel better during the day, I'm not exactly holding my breath. For a long time, I said her mind was declining faster than her body; now her body might be playing some catch-up. I'm just taking life one day at a time right now...