"it could be worse"

Today was not the best day. It wasn't even a good day.

I started with some deep and necessary conversation with Himself, and felt a bit better afterwards. Then the Queen Mother was upset that the cats were in the kitchen and there was no food at that moment for them, never mind that they had eaten their "second breakfast" roughly an hour before. I was in the middle of my "first" breakfast, and Insisted that I was going to Finish My Breakfast before going out and replenishing the cat food. She's all about taking care of everyone else before yourself - and I am So Over that, with my Caregiver Burnout.

I did set out after breakfast and got a decent amount of cat food while Himself stayed home and worked on a grant application for the Alano Club on the computer. After I decompressed a bit, we went out to take care of a few moree errands. As the afternoon progressed, I realized I was going to need to prepare my go-to of mac-n-cheese and stay home this evening, as the crowds were starting to feel oppressive. My already frazzled nerves were fraying all the way down, and I was needing to breathe deeply just to maintain a modicum of control. Anxiety is no fun, folks.

Himself was still considering going to the seminar when he was called down to the Club for emergency coverage of the Coffee Bar shift. When we found out why, I realized that my problems really weren't that bad, and at least one other person was having a worse day than I was. He is on his way home with recycling in tow, which will help with making sure we have enough to cover us for the next week.

I watched a few funny videos earlier to lighten my mood, and they seemed to work, along with the mac-n-cheese. We will take care of the recycling tomorrow, and maybe, just maybe, get a workout in before our joint Friday meetings. As with everything else these days, I am not holding my breath. 

Day 307: on a touchy-feely thursday

It was one of those days where I felt like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and my usual tools helped for brief periods of time, but I still felt out of sorts most of the day.

If I'm going to be totally honest, I am having significant difficulty feeling compassion for the human race at this moment, and for that part of myself which is also human. It's a good synchronicity that I'm working with Kuan Yin, the Mother of Compassion, at this time. I will be taking this to my altar tonight: You feel the Compassion because I can't! and if You could help me find mine again, that would be awesome!

Maybe I'll have myself an Impossible Whopper tomorrow. They have arrived in San Diego and are a step up from Burger King's previous attempt at veggie burgers. Interestingly enough, I have been hungrier than usual all week. I have been advised that this is the physical body trying to "catch up" with the spiritual growth spurt I'm undergoing at this time. I don't feel particularly spiritual at the moment, but I will allow for that explanation to be just as true as any other.

Whatever else, tomorrow will require an early start to the day, as we need to get the Queen Mother over to Greybill Radiology by 10am for her bone density test. Never mind Serenity; Goddess grant me Patience!

Day 18: on being still and listening

Today was not a day to move mountains after all. When I checked in with myself, I really wanted to rest, so that's what I did. There's always another day to fight battles in the outside world.

Instead, I did some writing , which provided me a snapshot of my thoughts...and they happened to be filled with Stinking Thinking. They were also an extension of the writing that had emerged on Sunday; I knew I had to pay attention when my first sentence was, I hate caregiving! To sum up what I wrote today: I'm feeling like I had a shot to realize my Dreams, but I didn't have the courage to manifest them fully. Now, I'm living out my "punishment" of taking care of my mother, alone.

I know from past Shadow Work that I have challenges arising from parental Shadows, and that a lot of my challenges around relating to/with my mom involve my identity as an Individual Person, versus "just" being my mother's daughter - a dance informed and complicated by being an Only child. How much do I owe her for birthing and caring for me as I grew up? How much do I owe myself to live my best life and pursue my dreams, now that I am an adult? Finding the balance between these two poles is tricky at best, and this dilemma is complicated by the notion that I have NO idea how long the Queen Mother will be around. Aside from osteoarthritis (and a body shaped by rickets), she's actually in good health...so she could live for another three, five, ten years, or even longer. Her mother lived to 95, and she's only 76!

With this knowledge, I look at the words that spilled upon the page today and I see a story that needs to be rewritten. For better and for worse, I am my mother's caregiver right now. I do not want to be one of the 40% (at least) of caregivers whose lives are shortened, or even prematurely ended, by the stress caregiving can bring. So as the moon comes to fullness, I can consider the rewriting of my Caregiving story, and the rewiring of my Lone Wolf attitude!

Day 9: on doing the shadow work

As I mentioned previously, I started in on journaling around the Heaviness I was experiencing a couple of days ago, in order to unpack what, exactly, was stinking in my thinking. Whereas I would normally wait until the entire process was finished before sharing my results, I was inspired by a video made by a friend about sharing during the messy in-between times, as well as sharing the nice shiny journey when it was all over - and frankly, this whole blog is about sharing during the messy in-between times! So, a bit of sharing the preliminary results of my digging down to find the root, if you will...

The main source of my Stinking Thinking is feeling Overwhelmed by life, whether I'm thinking about what I still have to do around our home in order to get it a bit more "reasonable" (I abandoned the "Grandma Clean" standard a long time ago, trust me!), or whether I find myself carrying the angst of the world upon my shoulders. In the latter case, I seem to have this idea that I (and I alone) need to "transmute the suffering of the world" so that everyone will feel better. I'm not quite sure where I picked up this Goddess complex - heh, I just came up with that - and I'm not quite sure how to drop it Once and For All. Still working on that.

Both of these concepts were part of the Heavies, but neither was ultimately the real root. Beneath these concepts, however, the word Sacrifice suddenly leapt into my mind. I dug a little further, and found the root at last: I have been feeling for some time that I've just been Sacrificing more and more and more of myself - whether financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, or whatever - and getting nothing in return. It has that "Suffering in Silence" quality to it as well.

I found some resentment towards Himself brewing there, for I don't feel like he's been Sacrificing "as much" as I have. I challenged that resentment immediately: "So how many times have I asked for help on a Social Media platform? or in Real Life, for that matter?" I acknowledged I haven't asked for help near as much as he has, when push has come to shove. "Why not?" I asked next...and I don't have an answer to that question. Yet.

This is where I am now - what is the Block within me that prevents me from asking for help more?

Asking questions and receiving answers, which often lead to more questions, is how I do my Shadow Work. Finding the root of my Stinking Thinking solves half of the puzzle; then I know what I need to do to edit my Story, and how best to go about that. There will be a Part 2 to this, which will arise in the fullness of time. I just need to keep digging, keep writing, and keep percolating.

In the meantime, there is another week to look forward to, with one very special occasion set to unfold on Tuesday. :)