Day 318: on those small steps

Oh yes I'm bleeding at full throttle now, and it's time to be as still as I can be.

There was one Needful Thing that had to be done, and that was changing out the litter in the cats' litter box. When Himself, whose sense of smell is not the best, is wanting to burn sage by the litter box, yah that's a sign. I managed to take the box outside and change out the litter with no fuss at all, as the cats had chosen to siesta in the Queen Mother's room. I shut the door to her room and went about my business out in the patio, soaking up a bit of the "August Roast" heat as I did so.

I kept things as simple and open as I possibly could, which was easier at some times than others, especially if the Queen Mother was needing something.

My lower back feels much better today, so I think I caught myself before it had a chance to go out entirely. I will continue to wear a heel lift at least through my Moontime, perhaps longer than that.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and I am fine with that, as my ambition is taking a breather.

Day 317: on stepping through the (emo) storm

I wasn't up to doing much of anything today, though I did manage to straighten up the Queen Mother's bed, mainly because she would stop by and bring it up every few minutes. She also remembered all by herself to write her letter to the doctor, taking much of yesterday and today to "think it over." I'm impressed with her remembering because it shows me that there are still parts of her mind that work, even if they're the parts that like to obsess over little details. Still, I have her letter now and will be dropping it off at the doctor's office next week sometime, per her wishes.

It might be a bit before I get up and going, though, for there will be the bleeding this week. I had a good long write about everything in the Morning Pages, which I was able to get back in to for the first time in a few days. Guess what - I didn't feel as cranky after I had finished. My best option to preserve my sanity is to remember the principle of Going Small: doing just what needs to be done on any given day, and dividing my Resting time into "bite sized pieces" so I can conserve my energy when I'm not doing anything in particular.

The Resting part might be a bit more emphasized than initially intended this week: in addition to my Moontime, I also felt the muscles above my left hip starting to seize up today. This has progressed to feeling that my lower back is waiting for an excuse to go out again. Between resting and wearing my heel lift when I'm walking around, I think I caught it so that my back won't go out. I just have to be a bit more careful for the next few days about moving around.

I don't know what, if anything, I will be able to get done this week. We shall see...

Day 233: on sitting with the feelings

I am beginning to see how Luminous this time has been, being sick in the Moontime. Yesterday and today I have been active in my Morning Pages, tracking my feelings as they have unfolded, one after another, finding points where I could initiate Changes, and then feeling the Resistance to those changes - which basically boils down to, "I don't want to change until the Big Changes have come through, because I don't want to waste precious energy now that I might need later."

I find myself feeling Stuck, yet not entirely willing to Unstick just yet. I find myself Tired on an emotional and spritual level, and wanting to conserve all the energy I can until we finally reach the Summit of the Mountain and receive the good Word: that our Waiting is Over, the Rulings are in our Favor, and we can start the business of Coming Back To Life at last.

My resistance is to moving forward despite the Stuckness, to consider what to do if This is as good as it's going to get, for I refuse to believe this is "It," that the be-all and end-all of my life is to be Broke and Caring for Other People while letting my life slip through my fingers. There MUST be more to it than what is around me now, even if I can't see the Something More just yet.

This is where the lesson of Going Small comes in handy: I remind myself one more time that it's not necessarily about the Huge Activity or the Big Goal, that small bites and mini-goals are just as feasible, if not more so. To paraphrase one of my friends: I know this is Temporary, but I don't know how long this Temporary IS. So if I Go Small, I can find those moments of Respite to carry me along until we reach the Summit. 

I hear the rain falling outside the bedroom door right now. It's been raining on ald off all day today; more, there may be some tomorrow, on Memorial Day itself, something unheard of in SoCal. I did see the forecast clearing up and warming up later in the week, so maybe it will finally start to feel like early Summer instead of early Spring!

My Himalayan Salt candle is lit, and SARK's Glad No Matter What is back by my side. I am using the tools at my disposal to, if not change my attitude, at least loosen it up a little. Tomorrow Himself and I are going to consider our options and see if we can't find a way to have some Fun, something which I could totally use at this point, to lighten up all of this "Serious Business" I've been engaging in.

Day 178: on all tricksters day

Way back in November/December, I took what Himself told me and calculated that we would see results in 4-6 months, and I needed to work some magic to get to that point. With our arrival in April, we are entering that "golden" period, and I have worked the magic to get here. Himself is going to check this week to make sure his VA attorney has filed his case; once he has, we will begin to scale the summit of the mountain, so to speak.

Today's visit to the VA Medical Center entailed a flushing of Himself's chemo port. He does this every month or so because he has chosen to keep it implanted in his body. When he needs blood drawn, as he did today, all anyone has to do is access his port and they can get all the blood they need, thus sparing everyone the challenge of trying to access a vein in his arm, or elsewhere.

That was his only appointment for the day, so the next stop was the nearby Ralph's deli, where we got some sandwiches. We wound up re-registering with the store because his phone number got flushed out of their system, so that delayed us a bit, and I began to get frustrated and angry, as I felt this was cutting into precious time I could be spending at the ocean!

While it's true that I'm getting better at catching myself before I plunge headlong down the rabbit hole of Depression, the reverse seems to be true as well: my fuse has become much shorter, and it's easier for me to start looking for the rabbit hole to dive into. I find myself becoming way less tolerant of delays and interruptions to "my" agenda - a sure sign that I'm heading back toward Burnout, and more spectacularly than the first time to boot!

Today I brought myself out of the rabbit hole by remembering my endeavors of Going Small...sometimes I can only carve out a little beach time, or I have to fold in some fun while I am out taking care of errands, because it's too challenging to set aside an entire day. So let me Enjoy what I can carve out, when I can carve it out, and not sweat it if plans change half a dozen times during the day. Memo to Self - !

Once we got everything straight at the grocery store, the law of You Will Hit Every Red Light When You Are In a Hurry to Get Somewhere kicked in. I'm sure the tricksters got a good laugh today. We eventually made it to the ocean, however, and had just enough time for a nice picnic lunch at the beach. I even shot some video on my phone for my Messenger Daily Stories, which I'm going to attempt to start again. (Whatever it takes to stave off insanity, right?)

We were a bit delayed in getting home, but the Queen Mother wasn't too put out. I timed how long it would take to get her dinner ready, as the increase in her IHSS hours became effective, at least theoretically, as of today. So once I establish my "baseline," then I can fill in the rest of the hours with laundry, grocery shopping, and things like that. Now we hope the DMV comes through with the right records!

While Himself went down to take care of business in San Diego, I stayed home and decompressed, first listening to some gentle meditative music, then switching over to some more upbeat "Chill Lounge" music. I've just now switched back to the gentle meditative music to start winding down.

Here's hoping that we begin to receive Resolution to our various quests!

Day 164: on remembering & receiving

Made it to the beach today. Didn't stay as long as I would have preferred, but I remembered the lesson of Going Small: sometimes a few minutes will expand and fill up all of the time. The beach was covered with rocks, with all of the Winter storming we've had, yet at low tide, there was plenty of sand to be seen. We got a chance to see fog actually rolling in. It was really cool watching wisps of mist blowing by only a few feet away at ground level.

I found a pair of magic stones to take home with me: one is a "holey stone" - that is, a hole has been drilled all the way through it by an industrious mollusk, or worn through it by water. (In my case, it was the former.) They are considered very lucky and are variously considered to be protective, and/or revealing the truth about another person if one looks through the hole in the stone. I am very happy to have one that is authentic. The other stone is a mottled black and white stone that fits perfectly in my left hand, and almost perfectly in my right hand. I'm calling it a "worry stone," because I can focus on releasing my worries while I'm holding it. I asked both of them if I could take them home with me, and they said yes.

This turned out to be Himself's last physical therapy appointment through the VA, at least for the time being. He's inspired now to find a program he can sign up for to start swimming and doing some hydrotherapy, as his leg and back muscles won't hurt while exercising in the water. On the way home, the Queen Mother called up all upset about a minor deal. I found myself doing my usual wind-up-to-get-angry, until I realized: if it truly was a minor deal, why was I about to make it a major deal? I actually managed to let it go and not grab it back again; in so doing, I found the Courage to Change the Things That I Can, that is, my own reaction to what I had been given. Hopefully I will remember this beyond today!

After getting Home, Himself went on to the chiropractor to get his final "personal injury" treatment and evaluation. He already has the ball rolling with the VA to get monthly "maintenance" appointments moving forward. I had a phone call to make with one of our more obnoxious creditors, and it went much better than I had anticipated; I made a deal with them that we can live with, at least in the short term. Afterwards, I had a very tasty dinner with a veggie pot pie and a bowl of split pea soup. It boggles my mind that I went so long in life without knowing the joy of split pea soup, but at least I rectified that "error" in my education. ;)

Looking very much forward to tomorrow, as I shall be getting some time out with a good friend, and Himself will be looking after the Queen Mother for once. This Equinox Week is shaping up to be a good one, so far!

Day 66: on picking myself up

I was not intending to make today a Mental Health Day, yet that's how it turned out. Everyone slept way in; I think the colder weather encourages more time asleep, especially if it's also cloudy, which it has been today. Once I got up, I dove into the Morning Pages and got a bit of a different perspective...

I've been trying to solve all of our problems in one fell swoop and in less than 24 hours. I forgot, temporarily, the idea of Going Small. Not only is it a good idea for sneaking in a little Respite time here and there, but it's also good to consider when looking at my challenges. Out of the Pages arose my current Mantra: "What Is to Be Done Now?" Instead by being overwhelmed by the totality of my situation, I can focus on the most pressing matter or two and take care of that first, then look again at the big picture to see the next step. It sounds like a no-brainer, perhaps, but let me tell you - cortisol is really good at making one forget about all things positive and logical!

Instead of phone calls and online searches, I chose to focus on huswifery instead: putting away dishes, taking out trash and recycling, tidying up in the kitchen. Before that, I actually found myself enjoying the funnies with my breakfast; they were very funny today, which is what I needed after going through the emotional wringer yesterday. (PS on that - it looks like I will have an opportunity to clear the air in the near future. That makes me happy.)

Later this evening, Himself and I will be helping out a friend who has been hospitalized for the third time (!) with a recurring shoulder issue, and perhaps be a bit sociable. Tomorrow we have no appointments on the calendar, so I just might get back to Adulting then. If nothing else, I'm beginning to feel reasonably human again, which is a far cry from yesterday, not to mention this time last year! I continue to put one foot in front of the other, and look for the Next Indicated Step.

In the meantime, prayers for a speedy recovery for our friend would be most appreciated.      

 

Day 36: on course corrections

I wound up not doing a "daycation" as I had planned after all. The Queen Mother had a fit last night when I informed her of our plans, and I wound up calling the woman who was going to come out to keep her company to cancel, once again.

This morning I had a good conversation with mom over breakfast; we wound up clearing a lot of air between us. Coming out of that conversation, I am going to see if I can try to get Himself to help me a bit more in cleaning up the house (because the Queen Mother is willing to entertain the idea of "having company" IF the house is tidier). I am also going to see if I can invite our friend over to lunch to introduce her to mom, so whe will be more comfortable with the idea of someone coming over to spell me for Respite care. The one thing she does NOT want is a "stranger" in the house. I don't blame her for being cautious. Yes, you can certify people to be caregivers, and/or ask friends who you know really well - but you don't really know what's going on in another person's mind...or if today's "bad" day is just one bad day too many.

I realized today that I had been listening to, and misinterpreting, the advice of caregivers who were totally stressed out, desperate for respite, and/or dealing with loved ones who were much more violent and unpredictable than the Queen Mother is. So many people have advised to all but run out the door the moment the respite caregiver arrives, lest their loved one throw a tantrum, or do something that will sabotage the caregiver's plans to step away and have a breather.  This isn't the first time I have found myself heeding Other People's Opinions more than my own intuition. I never really liked the idea of springing a second caregiver on my mother and then bailing; then again, even though the Queen Mother's mental state isn't nearly as bad as I've heard some Dementia suferers are, there have been times when I've been ready to break out and lose myself In the Wind, so to speak.

I have come to realize that a lot of my suffering was "self-inflicted": that I could be the Caregiver, or I could be the Priestess, BUT I could not be both at the same time. For a long time, I didn't want to be the Caregiver, that it was presumed I would be the Caaregiver (as the Only Child), yet "no one" bothered to ask ME if I had any diiferent plans. In committing to going small, I say that I CAN be the Priestess and the Caregiver at the same time, but that my "ministry" has to be much smaller in numbers than I initially planned for...namely, Myself, Himself, the Queen Mother, and the cats. As much Content as I want to generate as a Priestess, both online and in Real Life, I don't have the bandwidth available at this time to devote to my Dreams and my Reality simultaneously. As I (re)cultivate healthy emotional, spiritual, and physical habits, and further emerge from my Situational Depression, perhaps down the line I will be able to share some of that bandwidth more evenly. Right now, it's a matter of living Day by Day, Moment by Moment, and Simplifying as much as I can - basically, everything!

So I recalibrate myself to observe my reality As It Is, and not As I Want It to Be. I see there is work to be done to get from Here to There, so I will do it One Day at a Time, and not have to (necessarily) wait for the Queen Mother to pass on in the meantime. I daresay I might actually be feeling Acceptance with my odyssey, rather than being Resigned to it. :)

Day 26: on putting myself back together

It would be safe to say the day did not go as planned.

After my Morning Pages, but before breakfast, I checked my bank app to make sure some money Himself had deposited into my account had indeed arrived. Well, it had, but not before a check had bounced, one which I thought would go through today instead of yesterday, since I had not seen it Pending. But the cashing of the check had been attempted, it had failed, and "once again" I was dinged with an NSF fee. Sure, I can cover the check, but "once again," there are also other bills due, and "once again," I'm going to be all but broke before a week has passed. I could feel myself sliding down into Depression - but I chose to push forward.

I took a shower and got myself dressed. I advised Himself that I was ready to head out, and off we went. As we were getting ready to leave the main interstate highway for the state highway, Himself had to slam on the brakes because traffic ahead of us was coming to abrupt standstill; we later saw that a bus and a car had pulled to the side of the overpass connecting the two freeeways, and CHP was there as well.

Here's the thing: we didn't get into an accident, but I was looking down at the time; though we stopped, I felf myself moving forward, and all but saw/felt the airbag deploy. Here's the other thing: this was our second Near Miss in as many weeks.

So when we stopped at a Starbucks halfway between home and Questhaven, I was totally dialed in to Flight Mode, and I could NOT go forward in the day anymore. When I tried to talk myself out of it, I went into a full-blown Panic Attack instead.

I absolutely Do NOT break down and cry hysterically in public, unless I'm in the car. Inside the Starbucks, though, I came very close to losing it completely. At least I had the presence of mind to recognize my distress as a Panic Attack - maybe the second (or third?) time in my life I've experienced one. So we sat quietly for a time, Himself and I, attending to our respective beverages, until I had composed myself enough to walk out the door again.

Sometimes you push through. Sometimes you fall back. Sometimes you can figure out a compromise, and that's what I did...before we returned to the normal routines of the day, we paid a quick visit to Kit Carson Park, and the duck pond that I love so much. We managed a half an hour there in total. Today, an egret was paying a visit to the pond, viz:

Even though this wasn't the Big Outing in Nature I had promised myself, this small slice proved enough to soothe my jarred spirits for today. I have also rescheduled my Big Outing for next Wednesday, when the timing feels equally fortuitous, if not a bit more so. :)

I finished my business in the outside world with a bit of grocery shopping, grabbing some food & necessities while we had the cash to do so. I even treated myself to some cucumber sushi and seaweed salad for a late lunch. I have since eaten dinner and will soon be coloring one of my mandalas, gentle music playing via Pandora, and Pippa by my side. Thus I finish the process of Putting Myself Back Together, for today.

I am grateful for the flexibility to change my plans when the need arises. I am grateful we're okay and the car is okay. I am grateful for black tea with lemonade and healthy tasty things. I am grateful for the presence of the duck pond so close to home. I am grateful that tomorrow is a new day. I count my Blessings, and I am complete.

Day 23: on "going small"

I try to keep myself moving in a good direction by looking for the lesson in what unfolds before me, a task I usually find easier once I have moved through a rough patch than when I'm trying to slog my way through the middle of it. What has arisen from this vacation debacle is this: I need to stop putting all of my Expectations into ONE event that will "restore" me, and instead focus on creating for myself smaller opportunities during the week to release the dross of Caregiving - and Life in general - and find myself points of equilibrium.

I also need to keep in mind that I am a LOT more Sensitive to the energetic ebbs and flows of the world, both at home and at large, than I might have cared to admit. I need to build in for myself plenty of good downtime without allowing myself to get caught up in the special Inertia that Depression will swallow me whole in. Specifically, I need regular trips Out Into Nature, to listen to birdsong and wind whispering through trees, or the consistent, steady breathing flow of sea water as it eternally moves back and forth over the sand at the continent's edge. Nature is my spiritual tonic, the balm for my soul when Life's edges become a little too cutting.

I opened up the calendar on my phone earlier today and had a look at the near future. This coming Wednesday had nothing scheduled; it looked perfect for walking the labyrinth at one of my favorite retreat spots. The Wednesday after that has a Mindfulness Meditation day scheduled for the evening; why not Deepen the Juciness of that day with a park excursion beforehand? So there are two weekly sojourns taken care of right there, two I can commit to for improving my mental - and spiritual - health.

As for each "normal" day, I have an hour or two in the evenings when the Queen Mother is watching TV and Himself is either watching TV with her or is out taking care of his own business. It would not be difficult at all to put on gentle music and color in a mandala, or do some therapeutic writing, or even (gasp) read an actual book! I used to be a voracious reader, and I still do enjoy reading articles on my smartphone, but it's not the same as picking up a nice old-school BOOK and reading it cover to cover. There's something about the heft of a good-sized book, the smoothness of the paper under your hand, the smell of time and the bookbinding glue, that comforts a bibliophile like me...but I digress.

This feels like a good focus for the next month, this going small. I will report regularly upon my progress, along with the rest of the minutiae that make up this Odyssey.

By the way - we elected to sleep in this morning instead, rather than check off a list of activities. I appreciated the leisurely start to my day today, as I have plenty of opportunities to Rush In and Speed Ahead these days! Truly easing into the day might also be something to practice more often! ;)