Day 211: on a quiet saturday

Feeling better now. Depression hit me hard yesterday and this morning - the fear that Nothing Is Going To Change, Ever, and the fact that I don't have that much in the Emotional Reserve tank to ward off the Stinking Thinking effectively at the moment.

I kept my promise to stay Unplugged, though, and worked on a mandala, and puttered around a little here and there. Eventually I cut myself free and bobbed back to the surface.

Did a bit of cooking as well: a can of lentil soup, a can of white beans, and a small can of corn, thrown together and heated up, then combined with rice and enjoyed with a mixed green and kale salad. Tasty stuff.

I will be celebrating Beltane with some of my sisters tomorrow after all. I secured a ride to my friend's house.

I must be close to the summit of the mountain, because the climb is steep and the air is thin. Slowly forward and upward I go...

On *200* Days of Blogging!!

Blogging a little earlier than usual today, since I needed to send a note on behalf of the Queen Mother to one of her friends, who is having a birthday.

I am taking a moment to acknowledge that I have been keeping at this blog every day for 200 days straight! Whenever anything else falters in my life, I can at least look at this and say, "I'm meeting this challenge at least!" and I can take a little comfort in that.

Yesterday I was running on fumes. Interaction with anyone was totally excruciating, as I just wanted to be Left Alone so I could REST! I haven't felt that Introverted in a long time, perhaps ever. It points out just how tired I really am, and how much I am in need of some Quality Respite time. I have a plan ready to go; I just need some cashola to execute it!

Himself stepped up fabulously yesterday...he supervised the installation of the new dishwasher, and did two loads of dishes, unloading the first before putting in the second load. I even let him load up the dishwasher without rearranging everything afterwards - that's how Heavy I felt yesterday. As for where he put everything once it was all dry, that I need to work on. ;)

Today he is at the chiropractor as a patient through the VA, instead of being treated for an injury. He had to fill out some paperwork to switch over, and that gave the Queen Mother time to shower. (She prefers to shower when he's not around, when possible.)

I'm back to "Scrambling While I Wait for Money" mode, and that's not a whole lot of fun. The money that Himself's stepmother sent is playing hell to get here: the first check was lost in the mail, then the wire transfer was sent back by our credit union because there was no NAME specified in the transfer! Now a second check is supposedly making its way to us - by regular snail mail, again. Himself half-jokingly said the VA might give him money before that check arrives! 

Speaking of: his case has been assigned to a judge at the Board of Veteran's Appeals for review. All possible body parts remain crossed for a quick resolution in our favor.

Also: I am still waiting for any sort of document from the DMV as to when the Queen Mother was first certified as Disabled. If it winds up showing nothing, we will have to wait until we have more money to do a more in-depth investigation. I want to get her on that Working Disabled program so I can get PAID and not have to worry about the stupid Share of Cost for her Medi-Cal!

They say it is darkest before the dawn...and it's still looking rather dark around here, new dishwasher notwithstanding. Hoping the new days dawns Soon.

Day 186: on recognizing...

It's silly to expect Himself to be "sacrificing" as much as I do in this Caregiving odyssey. He can help, and he does, but he also has his own life, and his own commitments in this life. To expect him to give everything up to help me is a mark of Insanity.

Come to think of it, it's also silly to say that I'm "sacrificing" myself in the name of Caregiving. Some of my boundaries need to be redrawn, yes. Some things that I enjoyed doing need to be picked up again, yes. To say that I am "ruined" or "broken," though, is another mark of Insanity.

When I looked over at the clock today, and it was just after noon, and I hadn't had breakfast or showered yet, I figured I wasn't going to the new Caregiver Support Group, as there were groceries to purchase, and money to purchase them with. I did my Tea and Morning Pages after helping the Queen Mother with her breakfast, and helping Himself with a bit of Pain Management, and hadn't realized where in the day I stood. Even if I had caught myself a bit earlier, I still might not have rushed.

I'm also recognizing that, at least right now, multitasking is right out, until I get my Respite Vacation in. On days where there are no appointments, I pick one thing I need to do, and then do that. Anything else that gets done on a given day is gravy. I'm criticizing myself less and understanding myself more.

Per Himself's VA attorney, the case hasn't been filed quite yet, but they have until the 15th to file it. While I appreciate their thoroughness in reviewing all the details of the case, there a part of me that just wishes they would hurry up and file already! So here we sit, waiting for the right time to start scaling the summit of the mountain.

Another "empty day" tomorrow, so I will peruse my options, choose one, and take action.

Day 139: on surfing the shifting tides

It rained off and on today, nothing torrential, but it was cold and windy and it actually hailed at one point, which might be the closest we get to snow here in SoCal. I posted a minute or so of hail on my Messenger as part of my Daily Story efforts.

My Daily Story experiment isn't going as smoothly as this blog experiment is going. I'm missing days here and there, sometimes because I can't find something "interesting" to photograph or video, sometimes because I'm feeling too melancholy (okay, depressed) to bother. I find it far easier to come to this space and type some words, sometimes a handful, other times a short story, and share what's going on that way.

As the weather outside alternated between clouds with rain and hail, and blue skies with sunshine, the weather within alternated as well. I did some long overdue rearranging of some of the kitchen cupboards, putting miscellaneous eats up on the top shelf, with a promise to return for later organizing, and bringing Himself's meds down to the bottom shelf, so I wouldn't have to paw around blindly for medications, and/or grab our small stool from the bedroom and use it to stand on while I looked for the next bottle of whatever medication had run out. That I'm proud of.

On the other hand, our trip over to Albertsons, thanks to the gift card we won at last week's union meeting, didn't feel so smooth. Between what seemed like an interminable wait for Himself's clothes to dry, heading out into the cold and damp, not finding the kind of chicken we wanted (and having to find a frozen equivalent), and having to put something back because it went over the total of the gift card, I was feeling pretty Heavy and hangry by the time we returned home. The hangry I took care of with dinner; the Heavy needed some Quiet Alone Time, with my Himalayan salt candle alight, and a bit of a nocturnal nap. I needed to acknowledge a streak of Shame that I felt when I had to put back the bag of tortilla chips I wanted to buy.

It would not surprise me if I had developed some Seasonal Affective Doldrums along with my Depression, as I seem to be struggling more to keep an even keel in cold Winter-style weather than I do in warm Summer weather. I might get that evaluated at some point, once I have the wherewithal to do so.

The silver lining to all of is that my timesheet was approved, and I will be getting my pay for the first part of February within the next few days. I also realized today that we're almost finished with this month, which makes it two that we've made it through. I'm getting closer to the summit of this mountain, even if I can't see it quite yet.

The foot of the bed will be getting its makeover tomorrow. After that, perhaps the Queen Mother's closet. We shall see...

Day 78: on taking it slow & easy

It hasn't been a perfect day, but I've managed to rest my back quite a bit. Besides helping out the Queen Mother as usual, today happened to be laundry day. I managed to get everything into the wash, laid down, got a load into the dryer, laid down, and so forth. Everything that needed to be put away has been put away, and my back isn't feeling too bad at the moment.

When I've had to be out of bed to do chores, I've been wearing my sandals inside the house, because there is the heel lift on the left sandal. See, the muscles tighten up in my left hip so much, that I lean over to the left in the direction of the shorter leg. The heel lift evens me out, so that I don't list to the left so badly.

I did more coloring than writing today, but I should get into the writing part of this holiday season in the next day or so. I might even make it to the support group tomorrow if my back stays like this, but that will be determined in the morning. For now, I will refill my water bottle and wait for the Queen Mother to get to bed. 

I had plans to execute today and for the next few days, but those are now pretty well put on hold. I'll need to take this day by day for the immediate future...

Day 69: on flowing with the go

As accomplished as I feel when I am able to get some Adulting done, I feel even more accomplished when I can Adult during my Moonflow. When I bleed, I become significantly Introverted, and generally don't want anything to do with the world until I am complete. I have found that the more I am able to relax at home, the more willing I am to Adult, for short periods of time, during my Moonflow.

So, today's Adulting...

I have turned in one of my timesheets to IHSS for processing. I have been assured up- down-and-sideways that the dreaded Share of Cost is not there at the moment, so we will see what happens. Goddess knows that whatever money I can get would come in super handy!

I also talked to the Medi-Cal peeps today. I don't think the nice lady quite understood what we were appealing, but that's okay. I did get my significant question answered: yes, they could stop paying the Queen Mother's Medicare Part B (which pretty well makes up the difference between where we are and where we need to be), and she would get under the Poverty Line again. As soon as she would be approved, though, the state would step in and start paying her Part B, which would put her back over the line. It's an all-or-nothing arrangment, basically...and unfortunately. (I had to ask, though). The PS on this is that the hearing will take place the day after Christmas, on the 26th.

I managed to get some wiggle room for our electric bill, so if Nothing Else, we'll be able to keep the power on. Ths also means I'll be able to keep a little more cashola in my pocket, which is always a very good thing. Next up is printing up an assistance form for the HELOC that we have, to see if I can work any magic with that situation.

See, one thing I acknowledge, besides being challenged by The Unexpected, is a tendency to become overwhelmed by looking at the Big Picture and thinking I have to solve it All At Once. Not so! I am using my new mantra, What's to Be Done Now, and taking apart my problem into its various components, then tacking one thorny bit at a time.

Right now, we are awaiting the completion of Himself's personal injury chiropractic regimen; when that is done, his attorney will pursue the settlement. The chiropractor says he will be finished with this phase of treatment by the end of March. Based on that, we're thinking we'll get that settlement sometime in May or June. The bad news: we're going to be floating down this river for another 4-6 months. The good news: I now have a fairly firm Timeline that I can maneuver with, and make arrangements with. Wish me luck, friends, because I'm going to need all of it I can get!

And I didn't think I would be able to rustle up any words for this blog entry today. HA! ;) 

Day 44: on the gift of resting

Today I chose to stay home and REST. It had been a trying week, one more I somehow survived. I also knew that the next couple of weeks were also going to present their own challenges, so since today was/is the first significant day of my Moonflow, it would be best to consolidate my energies as much as I could...and with the exception of a quick run to Trader Joe's for some necessities, I did.

I sipped tea and wrote in my Morning Pages. I caught up in reading the blogs of the other members of the Squad. I looked through the brochures and flyers I picked up from the most recent seminar I attended. I finished coloring a mandala I had started last month. I had dinner and napped for a time. I feel nicely relaxed.

Besides recalling how well I deal with Ambiguity - which is to say, not that well at all - I'm also coming to recall the Wisdom in a phrase I once heard somewhere, though I don't recall exactly where: Hard times will either make a person Better, or it will make them Bitter. I'm noting that it's frighteningly easy to allow myself to become Bitter... many days I feel like I'm taking two steps forward, then three steps back. I wonder if anyone is seeing my GoFundMe request on Facebook, or if I'm just being ignored. I question if we're ever going to get out of this seemingly unending cycle of Lack and Poverty. I wonder how long the Queen Mother is going to last before she finally dies - and what shape I will be in when she finally does.

*A note about the GoFundMe: yes, people have seen it, and shared it, and donated to it, and I am grateful for the response I've gotten so far. Having said that, when I see other campaigns meet their goals in one or two days - and I haven't reached a tenth of my asking goal after almost two weeks - I'm tempted to throw my hands in the air and wonder what's the use, and wonder if all of my friends are secretly Judging me for caving in and begging online for money. There's a part of me that's just about ready to quit Facebook for good, or at the very least, significantly pare down my Friends List. Okay, rant over.*

It's super tempting to close up my heart, withdraw from interacting with the "outside world," and just forge forward along, to Hell with everyone else. I know, however, that the more challenging option, keeping my heart open and continuing to show up for what Life has to offer, is ultimately going to be what sustains me after the Queen Mother passes, and for many years beyond, Goddess willing. Basically, though it might be easier to allow myself to become Bitter, I need to put in the effort to become Better through all of these challenges. I believe I'm up to (the latter) task.

Fortunately, I can ease into the craziness of the week/s ahead tomorrow, so I'll make an effort to pace myself. I'm getting pretty good at doing just that. :)

Day 29: on chasing the money

So let me back up a step...we didn't make it to the seminar yesterday. There is something ironic in not being able to make an event called "The Economics of Caregiving" because of economic hardship; specifically, not having enough gas to make it to San Diego and back twice in one day. The immediate problem has been solved, thanks to some well-timed generosity, but the overall problem remains: too many bills + needs, and not enough money to pay for everything.

It's interestihg that I can talk at length about my mental health, but that I have felt blocked from sharing that much about my financial health. This is what I have been processing over the past two days. I have found where I have been Shamed into Silence around money, and I have been working around deconstructing that Shame, and letting it go.

Our primary issue is this: we know there is a decent amount of money coming; we just don't know WHEN it's coming, and those horizons seem to get reset further and further out, just when we think relief is around the corner. Suffice it to say that the main issue - and main windfall - hinges upon the Veteran's Administration acknowledging that Himself has carpal-tunnel in both of his arms and hands. Currently, they acknowledge it in his right hand, but not in his left...and he is left-handed! The sad/frustrating part is, he's been fighting this for 25 years, and has yet to get it corrected. Now add to this some bureaucratic shenanigans the state of California is pulling in regards to the Queen Mother, as to whether or not she falls below the Federal Poverty Line, and you can see why I'm about ready to pull my hair out.

As nuch as I would like to go back to work, I can't right now, not with mom steadily declining. Bankruptcy is our absolute last option, because if we go that route, it's all but certain we won't see dime one of any money. So we flounder, and scramble, and pray a lot.

Mom's Medi-Cal is up for renewal in December, so we have that paperwork to review. I have started the process - and unfortunately, it is a process - to get reimbursed for the paycheck that was deducted from me due to the despised Share of Cost, while hoping that I won't have any more paychecks deducted. I'm also getting a GoFundMe set up, and I'm going to see if I can get on the state's dole for (hopefully) a few months. They call it Cal-Works, but let's call it what is really is: welfare. Himself, in the meantime, is readying his demand letter in his Personal Injury case to send off. If we're lucky, we might see that resolved by the end of the year. I'm no longer holding my breath.

I'm totally tired of it all - the scrambling, the setbacks, the disappointments, the insecurity, the jumping through hoops, the never-ending waiting. Still, we've come this far, and there is still a light at the end of the tunnel...and I have just enough room to step aside in case it's yet another freight train. Today, I have "enough." Today, I managed to stay home and rest, and ground myself in a few chores, and give myself a day off from worrying so much about money.  Tomorrow I can get back, just a little, into the grind.

Day 7: on making it through a "heavy" day

I knew from the moment I woke up this morning that it was going to be one of the Heavy days, when Life seems to press down so hard and so completely it took great effort to get even a simple task done. This is the form my Depression takes, when Life lacks even a smidge of excitement, and my interior vision is made up solely of shades of gray. The color of the world doesn't seem to stick.

Each time I tried to do something to emerge from the Heavies, I would make a little progress, then slide back down and in. Tidy up in the home and take out the trash? Nope. Radically cut back on my social media intake? Nope. Get out of the house and go with Himself to the VA? Nope. Finally manage to cross a few things off my to-do list? Nope. Have dinner? Nope. Nothing worked long enough to snap me out of my funk.

I had committed to attend a meeting in the evening, but was not feeling it at all on the way down to San Diego, where the meeting was to take place. I'm glad I went, though, for three reasons: 1) I happened to mention to a dear friend that my Depression was getting the better of me. She was not able to come with us this evening, but she did give Himself a care package to give to me, which contained various flavors of tea - which will come in handy in the Winter months to come. 2) I usually leave the meeting much better than I enter it; tonight was, fortunately, no exception. 3) We had an actual thunderstorm in San Diego proper, and the lightning cut through the tension that had resided within me all day. For each of these reasons, I am grateful.

I have a clearer idea of what felt so Heavy today. I'm going to sit with it and journal on it before I share about it, if y'all don't mind...