Day 87: on disappointment

This was not the New Year's Eve that I had planned, to be honest...

I went down with Himself to the new temporary location of the Alano Club, where I helped with the "smudging party." Himself treated me to a tasty brunch. We stayed there a little longer than either of us expected, and that was apparently our mistake.

When we got home, the Queen Mother was in a mood as I got dinner ready. Let's just say we had a significant Difference of Opinion over the state of the house and of the household. Himself convinced me to stick with our plans to go to the NYE event we had been planning to attend, and we would simply return home a little earlier than expected. I agreed and we left, but I had a very bitter taste in my mouth over the argument.

The party was okay. Some tables had a wide selection of party favors, others were all but bare. The dinner was a Mexican-style buffet, and I got the vegetarian goodies. There was going to be a speaker before the comedian, but after the speaker was finished, Himself said he was done, as he had a headache and his back was bothering him. So we left.

I guess I was clinging too tightly to my expectations about tonight, and I guess I was more upset at leaving than I thought. I cried out my frustrations on the way home. We did agree to stop for some dessert before heading home, but the whole day - afternoon and evening - just did not go my way at all, and I wound up super frustrated. I suppose there's always next year; hopefully we'll have someone looking after the Queen Mother besides us!

I will be staying close to home tomorrow. Perhaps that will be my contemplative post. Tonight just stunk.

Day 86: on new year's eve eve

Himself and I made it to the support group today, despite it starting half an hour earlier than usual due to the holidays. I was grateful to be able to sit upright in a chair for the whole group; this time last week, I was flat on my back in bed, hoping the muscles in my low back would quit spasming and seizing up. It took about a week, but I'm back to feeling reasonably normal again. It was good to share where I was, and witness where everyone else was as well.

After the support group was finished, we made the drive down to La Jolla so Himself could get his back X-rayed at the VA Medical Center. He says he didn't see any obvious fractures. Though he's not a doctor, he has been in some gnarly accidents, and would know way better than I if there were any fractures. We're taking this as good news. We made a quick stop at Trader Joe's on the way home to pick up a few essentials before dinner.

After dinner, it was "mission of mercy" time to drive down to a friend's place and pick up some personal belongings for him, as he is currently rehabilitating at a skilled nursing facility. Then it was a quick trip to the old Alano Club for a bit of a scouting mission. It was mind blowing how different it looked, stripped down to its essentials and all but empty within. Tomorrow they plan to have a "smudging party" at the new place at noon. I have sage, and a hand drum, and I'm tempted to go and contribute my skills to help clear out the old energy and set the foundation for new energy to come in. We shall see if that happens; I didn't make any promises one way or the other.

The Queen Mother went to bed an hour earlier than usual, as she'd had a headache for most of the day. Himself and I are probably going to turn in pretty soon as well. We actually have plans to be out and celebrating the New Year tomorrow evening: dinner and a comedy show, possibly some dancing, though with Himself's wonky back, probably not that much. At any rate, it's nice to have plans for tomorrow. Some years I've been out celebrating (we had a nice long run of First Nights in town, and I attended many of them); other nights I've stayed at home and rung in the new in Sacred Space. This year, I'm actually looking forward to going out and being sociable, since the last few years have felt horribly isolating.

I'll see if I can squeeze in a contemplative post, if not tomorrow, then definitely on Tuesday. Meanwhile, we count down the final hours of 2018...

Day 85: on refilling my well

While Himself went down to San Diego for Moving Day, I chose to focus on my Inner Work today. I did some more therapeutic writing, clearing out old stagnant energy from the past; now I'm finally ready to review 2018! I also did a whole bunch of coloring on my Yuletide mandala, which I posted a little earlier over on Instagram. It felt good to focus on myself and put the Inner Work first, something I haven't always been successful in doing.

I also did some cooking for myself for dinner tonight, something I was getting into right before I met Himself. It turns out he was a cook in the Navy, and I acted as his sous chef after we got together. Our initial quest was a search for the perfect Palak Paneer, and I think we had just about nailed it when cancer raised its ugly head and put an end to our dual cooking adventures. 

Anyway - I cooked a cup of rice in our handy rice cooker. As that was going, I combined a can of pinto beans and a can of corn in a pot, and added half a box of tomato & red pepper soup, which covered the beans and the corn. I warmed that up on low heat, and took half a "log" of faux meat, crumbled it into a skillet, then browned it on medium heat, adding water as needed. The log said to use oil, but I really didn't want oil spattering everywhere and burning me, or making a big mess. When the rice was done, I combined the "meat" with the bean-corn-soup mixture, then scooped some of the rice into a bowl and covered it with a few ladle-fuls of the mock chili I had just made. This allowed me to combine the rest of the rice and the soup mix in one bowl to refrigerate for later. I ate the small bowl with some tortilla strips...delicious! (I should get 2-3 servings out of what I made tonight.) I'm going to be doing both black and white beans next time, and maybe a bit less soup, but I'm definitely making it again. :q

Himself has returned home with the news that the move from Point A to Point B is complete, and now only a bit of cleanup at the old place remains. He's also planning to rest and sleep in a bit tomorrow. I can't say as I blame him.

Our Sunday support group is tomorrow, a bit earlier than usual due to the holiday schedule. We're looking forward to going. 

Day 84: on an easy friday

Here is a switch: Himself is in bed before me! He has been pushing himself all week to help an Alano Club move, as he has close ties with it, and today all of the work and stress caught up with him. They didn't want to move, but they don't have a choice. Long story with a lot of drama, and I'm not sure what details I'm at liberty to share at this moment. In addition, tomorrow is the Actual Move, and he said he would need to get up early to get down to San Diego to execute his role in getting everything from Point A to Point B.

So while he (sort of) rested today, I enjoyed my morning ritual of Tea with Morning Pages before breakfast. I made it out into the kitchen and wrested Order from Chaos once again, gathering up all the recycling and getting some of it out to our special blue bins in the patio. I had also intended to get started on digging around for some extra insurance for the Queen Mother today, but that didn't come to pass. My mind was not in the mood for Yet More Sleuthing.

I really don't like the short cold days of Winter, especially when it's actually cold outside. (Don't laugh, East Coasties!) Last year I didn't have to get any of the "Winter clothes" out because it never got super cold. Tonight is the first night temperatures are approaching freezing, so out came my fuzzy Sherpa tops! I would rather stay home and "hibernate" when it feels this cold; tonight, though, I armed myself with a hot winter beverage and set out with Himself for our weekly meetings. At least the air was fragrant when we returned - several of the condos in our complex have fireplaces, and they were being put to full use this evening. I'm also grateful that that cats had the good sense to come inside as well; they have become quite accustomed to, and appreciative of, the Domestic Life!

Tomorrow I will be most likely staying home to keep an eye on the Queen Mother while Himself tends to his business. I'm thinking of trying a culinary experiment for dinner. I'll fill y'all in tomorrow on what it is, and how it goes. :)

Day 83: on taking care of the essentials

My money from the state arrived today, so I was able to take care of a few more bills and do some much needed grocery shopping. As lovely as the charitable pantry is, they don't have items to cleanse dentures, nor do they have Kleenex boxes, nor do they offer cat food, at least, nothing the cats would actually eat. There are also certain things the Queen Mother will only eat a certain brand of, and won't accept any substitutes. So we loaded up our supply of canvas shopping bags and headed out.

It's Himself's turn to have a wonky back - he overexerted himself yesterday, and has been a bit out of sorts today. Fortunately, there are the little shopping scooters available, so he drove around while I got necessities. I had to rest my back for a little while after we returned home, but not for too long. Everybody is basically happy now.

I received a lovely surprise in the mail when Himself came home: a mermaid coloring book, based on one of Doreen Virtue's oracle decks. I may or may not have done a wee Happy Pagan dance. It will be nice change of pace to color in when I need a break from the intricate patterns of the mandalas. I'm grateful to have such cool friends who support me in all sorts of ways. :)

Since we took care of necessities today, tomorrow will be the day I roll up my sleeves and return to following the (seemingly) never ending paper trail. Oh what fun. ;p

Day 82: on "turning it around"

Himself was committed to helping out with a club's "Boxing Day" today, so he was down in San Diego as part of a packing and demolishing team. I was still feeling rather protective of my back, so I stayed home, and got an earful from the Queen Mother as I ate my breakfast. I'm not sure what bee flew into her bonnet, but she was in some kind of mood for the first part of the day, kvetching about pretty well everything. Then I handed her a handful of Christmas cards that had arrived Friday and Monday, and both of our moods changed. I'm going to say we have some of the most awesome friends on the earth, hands down.

It's curious - I started a GoFundMe last month, but it was from a place of Fear. I was really loath to updated it after the initial influx of funds, because of Shame. After I took it down a few weeks ago, we have received numerous Blessings: some friends  have shared food, others with come forth with different offers. I'm very surprised and grateful at the energetic "about face" that I have experienced. Perhaps I was worried about nothing after all...or perhaps I was so focussed on Money, that I closed myself off to other forms of help, and once I abandoned my focus, I somehow "relaxed" enough to be able to truly Receive the assistance coming my/our way.

On that note, once I had finished breakfast, I called back the Queen Mother's life insurance company to re-request a copy of the worth of her insurance policy. I figured out that if you put a "1" in front of our home number before dialing it, we can receive faxes, which is what we did. Then it was a matter of calling the county office to get their fax number, so that I could send them the fax that I had promised would come by today at the latest.

With Himself not coming back till later in the evening, I summoned up my courage, shut the cats in the house, laced up my tennies, and walked a few blocks over to the credit union, then back home. Inkblot especially will follow me around like a dog, if I let him; since I had to leave the complex, I didn't want him to follow me all the way to the credit union, lest he get spooked and run into the busy street! One of my intentions for 2019 is to see if I can leash-train him (it can be done, true believers!) and take him on controlled Adventures Outside. My back was a wee bit stiff from the trip, but not horribly bad at all, especially when compared with Himself's back after his busy day.

Today was a good day to ease back into the Flow: I completed the one task I needed to do, and I/we received a genuine Christmas miracle. Tomorrow I resume the "wild goose chase" in seeing if I can find sufficient supplemental insurance to satisfy the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal requirement. Wish us luck!

Day 81: on finding a bit of merry after all

It was raining when I woke up this morning. In colder climes, this would have been snow, and the perfect recipe for the fabled "White Christmas." As it's SoCal with its "Liquid Snow," it turned out to be a Wet Christmas for most of the day, much to the cats' dismay. ;)

With an invitation to attend the annual Christmas feast and party at the Live & Live Alano Club in San Diego, I had a choice: part of me saw the rain and wanted to stay home, nice and quiet. Part of me wanted to get out of the damn house and be a Social Person, to see and to be seen, and see if I could find a smidgen of the holiday spirit I seem to have misplaced with my back misbehaving. I had a choice, and I chose to push through the quiet melancholy in search of a bit of jolly for my holly. Glad I did!

After a quick breakfast, Himself and I grabbed some holiday beverages ("unleaded" eggnog for me, coffee for him) and braved the soggy roads for the trip south. We passed a handful of accidents along the way; people seem to forget how to Drive in Weather in SoCal on an annual basis. We made it unscathed, fortunately, and our prayers went out to those who wound up having a way worse Christmas, thanks to the slippery highway.

I've posted pictures of the festivities on both Messenger and Instagram in my Stories sections. There was plenty of food to be had and plenty of gifts to be opened and exchanged. I dutifully picked the ham out of my collard greens and enjoyed a vegetarian plate, while Himself enjoyed the meat. We split a dessert plate with cheesecake and chocolate chip cookies. As for the White Elephant gift exchange: we started with a hand soap + lotion set, then wound up with a set of tealights. This made me very happy - in taking care of myself and the family, "getting tealight candles" has been far down the priority list, well behind "securing cat food and people food," and also such matters as "paying bills." So to finally get my hands on some tealights made my Inner Priestess very happy.

By the time we were ready to leave, the rain had stopped, the skies were much clearer, and the roads were much drier. We made up two plates to go: one for Doug, a friend who's going through some challenging times these days, and the other for the Queen Mother, with smaller portions this time (lesson learned from Thanksgiving). Now it's a quiet evening, and I have rested my back sufficiently to be able to blog about my day.

Christmas turned out to be not bad at all, and perhaps I can carry this serenity and sense of Grace through the rest of my Yuletide. :)

Day 80: on the "uninvited guest"

Depression came for a visit today. :p

My back was acting up a bit - the result of an ill-timed sneeze or two - and the Queen Mother was complaining about some of the yogurt we got from the pantry specifically for her. I never got my usual morning routine in, and taking a shower did not help my back (though I did get my hair washed). I managed to submit the other timesheet for November, but with the IHSS people doing their year-end processing, it might be the New Year before I get any money in the bank account. I was also expecting a fax that failed to arrive today.

So Depression stopped by, to say hello to the Comparison Monster. For much of the day I didn't feel Enough...I didn't do enough to get money in a timely fashion; we don't have enough food to make it however long we need to before we get more money (which is not true, BTW); we don't have enough "Quality Food" and we have to subsist on "scraps." Oh yes - we don't have enough Holiday Spirit and Christmas is doomed to fail! This last one arises when I listen to the Comparison Monster as we look at everyone's cheery Christmas posts on social media. The irony: I haven't celebrated Christmas for years. My big holiday is Yuletide at the Winter Solstice. I did manage to miss most of the celebrations this year, between my unexpected Moonflow and my wonky back.

The gloom has lifted a bit, after dinner and a nap, and the unexpected treat of some Reeses peanut butter cups from the Queen Mother, who got them from her bestie. The cats have provided some solace as well. Strangely enough, they seems to be content with food in their bellies, a roof over their heads, and nice bags to lie upon when they get tired of sharing bedspace with mom and grandma. I could stand to take a lesson from them!

I suspect I'll feel better tomorrow. I just feel a little run down and drained tonight. Bah Humbug, and all of that, ya know.

Day 79: on finding acceptance through "giving up"

Ever since my last major meltdown a few weeks ago, a new attitude has emerged from deep within - very subtly at first, but quite noticeable in the last week or so. It is a deep Knowing that everything is going to be okay in the end; it is also the "Peace that Passeth All Understanding" that boggles some of the more logical parts of my mind. It wasn't until I read my friend Maitri's blog post today that the elusive word for this attitude finally appeared in my mind: Acceptance.

In the past, I have resisted Life As It Is, and resisted hard. I would think that if I just tried a little harder, focussed my atterntion just a little more, I would find The Solution to this problem and all would be well. In practice, this served to amplify the Stinking Thinking going on in my head, more often than not, and would drive me even more crazy than before. Yet I would still persevere in my Resistance, like a bad habit I knew I needed to break, but didn't really want to, if I'm going to be totally honest.

When I had the last major meltdown, I Gave Up. I was done. I had jumped through my last hoop, turned over my last stone. I felt Untouchable and Irrevocably Broken and I was ready to quit bothering with anything and everything entirely. The meltdown was on a Sunday; when I woke up on Monday and found myself still alive and Incarnate on Earth, the Shift began to germinate in earnest.

It came to me later: pre-meltdown, I was still expecting a Dea Ex Macnina move, some master stroke of Divine Intervention from "Goddess Outside of the Machine," that would make everything All Better. Post-meltdown, that hopeful part of me died...but when it did, the source of my Resistance died with it. When I Gave Up, I was finally able to open the door to Real Acceptance, instead of just giving lip service to it.

The shenanigans my lower back is engaging in have tested that Acceptance, but I've come to be okay with the idea of lots of Stillness and Rest, and be thankful that it's ONLY a few tweaked nerves and muscles that have sidelined me temporarily. I have prayed for much more extreme disabilities in the past, when I was deep in my Resistance and desperate for some way, Any Way, out of the bottomless pit my life seemed to have become.

I'm sure there will be futher tests of my Acceptance in the future. For now, I am finding my motivation to resume the hoop-jumping and the storne-turning, because there is work to be done, to be attempted at the very least, to secure my position as the Queen Mother's IHSS provider, and keep that source of income viable. There is still work to be done, and I am motiviating myself to do it. :) 

Day 78: on taking it slow & easy

It hasn't been a perfect day, but I've managed to rest my back quite a bit. Besides helping out the Queen Mother as usual, today happened to be laundry day. I managed to get everything into the wash, laid down, got a load into the dryer, laid down, and so forth. Everything that needed to be put away has been put away, and my back isn't feeling too bad at the moment.

When I've had to be out of bed to do chores, I've been wearing my sandals inside the house, because there is the heel lift on the left sandal. See, the muscles tighten up in my left hip so much, that I lean over to the left in the direction of the shorter leg. The heel lift evens me out, so that I don't list to the left so badly.

I did more coloring than writing today, but I should get into the writing part of this holiday season in the next day or so. I might even make it to the support group tomorrow if my back stays like this, but that will be determined in the morning. For now, I will refill my water bottle and wait for the Queen Mother to get to bed. 

I had plans to execute today and for the next few days, but those are now pretty well put on hold. I'll need to take this day by day for the immediate future...

Day 77: on "forced rest"

Although I woke up feeling okay this morning, by the end of the day I was not a happy camper. The muscles in my lower back started seizing up, and by the time I left the house to take care of errands, I was listing rather noticeably (to me, at least, if to no one else) to the left. My left leg happens to be a bit shorter than my right leg, so normally I wear a heel lift in my left shoe (and sandal) to even myself out. If I go barefoot for too long, or/and if I don't keep my heel lift taped in my footgear, then the unevenness of my gait catches up with me, and my lower back wants to go out.

Fortunately, Himself has a Tens unit, which provides electrotherapy to the spasming muscles. Also fortunately, our car has a warming feature in the front seats which heat up rather nicely to soothe sore muscles. I personally respond to Heat better than I respond to Ice, and I have tried both. On out way out and back this evening, I took advantage of both the Tens unit and the heat, which helped immensely. I took a couple of Motrin once I came back home - something I very rarely do, but it was much needed. I am now sitting reasonably comfortably in bed, lower back totally supported, and will have a nice lie down when I'm done with this blog entry.

Here I was looking for Stillness and Quiet for some deep journaling at Yuletide, and it looks like I'm going to get exactly that, especially since the chiropractor won't be back in until Wednesday. Between the Tens unit and the Motrin, I'll be okay until then. No worries.

Now if y'all will excuse me, I'm going to lie down for a spell... 

Day 76: on easing my way through chaos

There is a reason why I like a slow morning to ease into the day: it makes whatever happens later in the day much easier to handle.

Like today...it was an easy morning, with plenty of time to drink my tea and write in my Morning Pages. Once I made up my mind to take action in the afternoon, the tempo picked up.

First, I cleaned out the refrigerator to make room for the food we were going to get later. Though we do our best to eat what we have, sometimes we get down to that final nibble we plan to finish off "tomorrow," or we lose track of where we've tucked something away behind all the other jars and bowls, or there's just something that someone don't like and arrangements will be made to pass it along, or get someone else to eat it - except Life takes over, and before we know it, there are some funky "science experiments" happily growing in the fridge that would continue growing ad infinitum, if we didn't step in and throw them out. I took advantage of the situation and took all of the trash out to the dumpster today, as they will be full-to-overflowing in a few days' time, and our trash service is going to be delayed one day.

Just as I was going to step into the shower, the attorney from Legal Aid who is going to help me with the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal appeal called me. I called him back after my shower. I like him already, because he provided some clarity as to what I could and could not do for mom and her Medi-Cal, and he was very sympathetic. We chose to postpone the appeal hearing for (approximately) one month, and I'm going to investigate all of the information I have received one more time to see if there's anything I can purchase, supplemental insurance-wise, that would help our cause. I was not previously in good place mentally to do that, but I'm feeling a bit more motivated to do it now.

After dressing, I got the Queen Mother's dinner ready a bit earlier than usual, and grabbed a protein bar to munch on for the drive down. Himself and I then took off to visit the food pantry at Jewish Family Serices. Getting down there wasn't too bad of a drive, but the traffic leaving San Diego proper was downright Insane! We agreed to stay in the area until after the traffic had died down; we had a few errands we needed to take care of anyway.

We have visited the pantry several times in the last two-ish years, first with Himself and his cancer experience, then because of the Queen Mother's situation. They have a good selection of food, and we have been satisfied with what we have picked up. We have even found unexpected treats there, such as Tim Tams (only the best non-ice cream dessert EVER!) direct from Austrailia. Today we were able to take care of some immediate needs, and stock up on a few things to be used for future Winter meals. I was pleased with what we carried out to the car.

We did eventually make it home, starting back on the road a bit after 8pm, well after the worst of the pre-holiday traffic. There were several instances today where I could have gotten angry, or upset at yet another change of destination, but I felt strangely At Ease with everyone and everything instead. Something has Shifted within me over the last two weeks, and I no longer feel on the brink of disaster. I'm still trying to find the words to express and process this properly.

Tomorrow I have to get Yet One More document filled out and turned in, and then I can begin to dive into the deep waters of Yuletide. I have much to unpack and make peace with, and I'm finally at a point where I can do just that. :)

Day 75: on summarizing another good day

I made it to my chiropractic appointment in plenty of time, and felt better afterwards. I'm going to see if I can return after the new year to get my spine re-aligned still further.

After I had my breakfast, I made it out to the post office. The self-serve kiosk was down, doubtless after being overwhelmed with so many holiday shipments, so I had to get in the "full service" line and paid a grand total of 71 cents to get my Very Important Papers mailed to Sacramento to see if I can get those October paychecks (that were gobbled up by the evil Share of Cost) re-sent to me.

From there, it was a trip to Walmart to pick up a few necessities. I'm down to a little more than a dollar in ye olde bank account, but no worries, I'm going to be submitting another timesheet tomorrow.

Post-dinner, I loaded up the dishwasher and turned it on, then settled into my mandala coloring book to work on a special Solstice mandala. I have to take occasional breaks when I'm coloring, because my mind is considering different colors in the patterns, and sometimes it takes me a while to choose which color is going where! So far, though, it's always turned out well, at least in my opinion.

I was delayed in posting this evening because I had to some proofreading for Himself in a project he's working on. Gotta trim up those run-on sentences! ;) Perhaps tomorrow I'll wax a bit more eloquently and at length. I've been mulling over a few things as the year draws to a close, and I have a few thoughts to share...

Day 74: on shifting focus

Errands and Fun Outside the Home were the order of today.

Once a month or so, I have a lunch date with one of my sisters from the support group Himself and I attend on Sundays. She helps me keep my head on straight, and when I need it, very gently helps me remove my head from my arse. Lunches with her are lovely - just the two of us, sharing conversation and yummy food. She has been, and will continue to be, a lovely angel in my life.

Once we finished up at lunch, we went our separate ways, and Himself picked me up en route to the VA Medical Center. He had an access port implanted before he started chemotherapy a couple of years ago, and kept it when his regimen was over. He goes in once a month or so to have it flushed, and when blood needs to be drawn for lab work, the nurses use the port to draw the blood. Having the port has come in very handy in the nearly two years post-chemotherapy, as he's been hospitalized several times since his cancer adventure, and having IV needles inserted into his arm has been problematic at best! At any rate, we were also finally able to nail down the elusive PET scan appointment, which he needs before his next oncology appointment, and made a trip to the Pharmacy for some medication renewals.

We were delayed on the trip home by some heavier traffic than usual, thanks to some gnarly accidents on the 15. We eventually made it, though, and I prepared mom's dinner while Himself grabbed a bite to eat before heading back out into the fray, for more business. I finally grabbbed a few things to munch on about three hours ago; lunch was that filling. I've also tidied up the kitchen a bit, mostly in gathering up everything that needs to be recycled.

I have a chiropractic appointment for myself tomorrow, as the muscles in my lower back have been tensing up the past few days, which normally means my back is about ready to go out. Before it does, I'm going to get it re-aligned. Then there's a quick trip to the post office that needs to be made, to get some vital documents up to Sacramento to see if I can get those elusive paychecks from October. After that will be the usual grocery shopping, then home to (hopefully) tackle the dishes!

Winter Solstice is on Friday, and I'm feeling a lift in my energy as we get closer to that Longest Night... :)

Day 73: on having a "gold star" day

I woke up this morning feeling a lot lighter than I had over the weekend. It took a bit to get my tea, write in my Morning Pages, and have my breakfast, but I didn't feel rushed, nor did I really need to.

With Himself taking care of business in San Diego, I got in some good Adulting today: I paid off a key bill with the money that hit my account this morning, and I have a bit left over. I filled out two of the three forms that I needed to fill out, and they will be mailed off tomorrow morning. The third form is saved onto my computer to get filled out later. I also washed my hair today, which means I won't need to worry about washing it tomorrow, before I head out for lunch with a friend, and take care of some more business at the VA with Himself.

I am beginning to feel more hopeful and less melancholy as I slowly refill my cup and ease back into life. 2018 feels like a Bottoming Out year, stopping the descent I began in 2014 - long story which I might be inclined to summarize as I move through the Year's End. Let me journal upon it first...

Himself stayed down in San Diego till the Evening Commute was over, then did me the favor of grabbing a few necessities on the way back home. It has rained lightly this evening, enough to dampen the sidewalks and give the grass a little watering. We weren't sure if it was going to rain or not today, and it usually hasn't in the past, so to see some actual rain was a bit of a treat.

I'll see if I can get to bed after I tuck the Queen Mother in, because as I mentioned above, a busier day lies ahead tomorrow.

Day 72: on allowing myself to rest

I didn't go to the holiday tea party today. I woke up as it was scheduled to start, in fact.

I have realized that my Moonflow actually provides an answer to one of my prayers: once a month, ready or not, I am given a few days to rest, because my energy levels ebb and my mind goes totally introverted. I don't want to interact with the outside world while I bleed! So I took advantage of the downtime by journaling, and catching up on blogs, and generally moving very slowly. The realization is that I can give myself the "staycation" I desire every single month, if I plan it right. The trick is to listen to and observe my body closely, especially now that I'm moving through perimenopause, and schedule things accordingly.

Tomorrow I'll begin to ease myself back into the fast tempo of the world. Tonight I just might brew myself some green tea and consider plotting out the week ahead.

Day 71: on getting along

First, the fabulous news: I turned in my IHSS Provider timesheet for the first half of Novenmber, and the paycheck was NOT gobbled up by the dreaded Share of Cost! So by Monday, I will have some money in my bank account! Woohoo!

With this, I am inspired to fill out the (always) necessary paperwork and see if I can get my lost pay for October resent to me. I thought I would have to go back to the County office yesterday and see if I could finagle a form that I need from them, but then I found that the form I already have is undated. So I made a copy of the form and will attach them to the other papers to fill out.

Tis the season, apparently, to fill out forms - besides tracking down my lost pay, the electric company wants to re-evaluate our household (to make sure we still qualify for a rate discount), and I need to fill out some forms to see if we can get a little help for the HELOC while we wait for Himself's personal injury treatment to finish up. As I mentioned previously, we're not expecting any settlement money for about 4-6 months, so I need to take some action.

Yesterday and today have been particularly slow days, for I have been on my Moonflow and loath to do much of anything. Yesterday I got a few more "glad rags" while I was out of the house; tonight Himself and I accepted an invite to a holiday party and spaghetti dinner. It was an okay party, but nothing that knocked my socks off, and the dinner portions were a bit on the small side, since there were many people there and only so much spaghetti (and salad) to go around, plus the pasta sauce had meat in it. We managed, though.

I have plans to attend a Yule Tea Party tomorrow, but I'll need to see how I feel first. If I continue to feel this tired, I might cancel my plans. To be determined...

Day 70: on dropping in

Not the longest day, but Winter-ish weather + Moonflow made me slow and sluggish. Managed to push through.

My brain is goo, so will wax more eloquent tomorrow. Nighty night, friends.

Day 69: on flowing with the go

As accomplished as I feel when I am able to get some Adulting done, I feel even more accomplished when I can Adult during my Moonflow. When I bleed, I become significantly Introverted, and generally don't want anything to do with the world until I am complete. I have found that the more I am able to relax at home, the more willing I am to Adult, for short periods of time, during my Moonflow.

So, today's Adulting...

I have turned in one of my timesheets to IHSS for processing. I have been assured up- down-and-sideways that the dreaded Share of Cost is not there at the moment, so we will see what happens. Goddess knows that whatever money I can get would come in super handy!

I also talked to the Medi-Cal peeps today. I don't think the nice lady quite understood what we were appealing, but that's okay. I did get my significant question answered: yes, they could stop paying the Queen Mother's Medicare Part B (which pretty well makes up the difference between where we are and where we need to be), and she would get under the Poverty Line again. As soon as she would be approved, though, the state would step in and start paying her Part B, which would put her back over the line. It's an all-or-nothing arrangment, basically...and unfortunately. (I had to ask, though). The PS on this is that the hearing will take place the day after Christmas, on the 26th.

I managed to get some wiggle room for our electric bill, so if Nothing Else, we'll be able to keep the power on. Ths also means I'll be able to keep a little more cashola in my pocket, which is always a very good thing. Next up is printing up an assistance form for the HELOC that we have, to see if I can work any magic with that situation.

See, one thing I acknowledge, besides being challenged by The Unexpected, is a tendency to become overwhelmed by looking at the Big Picture and thinking I have to solve it All At Once. Not so! I am using my new mantra, What's to Be Done Now, and taking apart my problem into its various components, then tacking one thorny bit at a time.

Right now, we are awaiting the completion of Himself's personal injury chiropractic regimen; when that is done, his attorney will pursue the settlement. The chiropractor says he will be finished with this phase of treatment by the end of March. Based on that, we're thinking we'll get that settlement sometime in May or June. The bad news: we're going to be floating down this river for another 4-6 months. The good news: I now have a fairly firm Timeline that I can maneuver with, and make arrangements with. Wish me luck, friends, because I'm going to need all of it I can get!

And I didn't think I would be able to rustle up any words for this blog entry today. HA! ;) 

Day 68: on feeling supported

It took a while to get started today. I felt very tired for the first half of the day. I managed to get my hair washed before going down to the caregiver support group this afternoon. I always call it a good day when I can wash my hair along with the rest of me.

Support group today was large, and most everyone got to share. One or two people were new; we begain with one of the newbies, who simply wanted "to listen," and doubtless got an earful as we went around the circle. It can get a little chaotic sometimes, with advice flowing as freely as water, but everyone in the end walks out a little lighter, as we are reminded that we're all in this together.

While I was waiting for Himself to stop by and pick me up, I discovered the reason I was tired: I was starting my Moonflow a bit earlier than expected! Welcome to the wild world of Perimenopause, eh wot! I got myself some proper padding on when we got home.

I went back out with Himself after a quick-ish dinner, where we met up with a friend in San Diego. She gave us some food, which was very helpful, along with a pair of pumpkins. I must confess, Cooking From Scratch is not a strong suit of mine, and my first thought was, "What are we going to do with these pumpkins?!" Fortunately, they're not very large; unfortunately, we don't have a working oven, just a modest-sized convection oven. Even if we wanted to, we couldn't do these gourds justice! I'll think of something, though...

On the way home, I caught sight of a large procession of people. They weren't shouting any slogans, so they weren't protesting. Then I remembered: today is the feast day for the Virgin of Guadalupe (a variant of the Virgin Mary), and I had probably seen a posada (procession) making the rounds. My spirit was a bit lighter afterwards, though I had to take a moment and explain it to Himself.

Each day, I'm feeling a little better after my epic meltdown on Sunday. Seeing the pretty holiday lights around town is helping lift my spirits up as well. Hopefully, this gentle momentum continues to build. :)

Day 67: on adulting

I pat myself on the back today for getting some Adulting done successfully. I beat the Depression back with my walking stick. ;)

I made some challenging phone calls. I didn't get all the answers I had hoped for, but the calls are done, and I have a better idea of what things look like.

I also did a load of laundry and got some much needed groceries. I have enough that I could get by with a few things here and there, and Himself could probably do some culinary improvisation as well. Even the cats have a basic routine that doesn't cost a horrible amount of money.

The Queen Mother is the most significant challenge: she know what she wants, and waivers very little from what she wants. I have noticed, however, she's become a little less picky in the past few weeks. Either she doesn't remember what she's wanted in the past, or she's stopped complaining about her dietary options (preferring to save her complaints for how "messy" the house is). Either way, I'm grateful for the extra wiggle room, and do what I can to save money.

Change of pace tomorrow: caregiver support group (yay!), plus an appointment or two. Himself and I are also going to meet with one of our friends to talk some shop and possibly brainstorm on ideas.

By degress, Hope returns... :)

Day 66: on picking myself up

I was not intending to make today a Mental Health Day, yet that's how it turned out. Everyone slept way in; I think the colder weather encourages more time asleep, especially if it's also cloudy, which it has been today. Once I got up, I dove into the Morning Pages and got a bit of a different perspective...

I've been trying to solve all of our problems in one fell swoop and in less than 24 hours. I forgot, temporarily, the idea of Going Small. Not only is it a good idea for sneaking in a little Respite time here and there, but it's also good to consider when looking at my challenges. Out of the Pages arose my current Mantra: "What Is to Be Done Now?" Instead by being overwhelmed by the totality of my situation, I can focus on the most pressing matter or two and take care of that first, then look again at the big picture to see the next step. It sounds like a no-brainer, perhaps, but let me tell you - cortisol is really good at making one forget about all things positive and logical!

Instead of phone calls and online searches, I chose to focus on huswifery instead: putting away dishes, taking out trash and recycling, tidying up in the kitchen. Before that, I actually found myself enjoying the funnies with my breakfast; they were very funny today, which is what I needed after going through the emotional wringer yesterday. (PS on that - it looks like I will have an opportunity to clear the air in the near future. That makes me happy.)

Later this evening, Himself and I will be helping out a friend who has been hospitalized for the third time (!) with a recurring shoulder issue, and perhaps be a bit sociable. Tomorrow we have no appointments on the calendar, so I just might get back to Adulting then. If nothing else, I'm beginning to feel reasonably human again, which is a far cry from yesterday, not to mention this time last year! I continue to put one foot in front of the other, and look for the Next Indicated Step.

In the meantime, prayers for a speedy recovery for our friend would be most appreciated.      

 

Day 65: on being at my wits' end

Today I thought was going to receive an infusion of hope, but I wound up getting punched in the Shadow gut. I came hope from a formerly safe space feeling like a leper. All of my Stinking Thinking was turned up full blast. I was bawling for a couple of hours. I'm better now, but still emotionally very sore.

I took down the GoFundMe and deleted all mention of it off of my Facebook. I feel like those who could pitch in with support already have, and to keep it up was simply exacerbating the shame I've been feeling.

Honestly, I don't know where to go from here, except possibly into bankruptcy, and if that happens, I'm pretty sure we can kiss any and all money coming our way goodbye. At the rate things ar going in DC, though, we could conceivably be in and out of bankruptcy before Himself's attorneys get anything from the VA. Go figure.

I'm beyond tired this evening, hoping a good night's sleep can provide some answers. Yes, tomorrow is a new day, but a new day of what? The same old (ahem) stuff?

I have no answers or witty ending comments this evening. Peace Out, peeps.

Day 64: on back to back brevity

Just got home, so this post, out of necessity, will also be brief:

Dame Fortune was not amused. We made it out to the casino, but did not have a good night. Gave it the old college try, though.

I believe I received the Medi-Cal appeal letter in the mail this evening. Will confirm tomorrow.

Although it looks like it's going to be another hard Winter, I'm getting somewhere in my Shadow-Work.

More will be revealed...

Day 63: on being brief, december style

Bright and sunny day today, if a bit on the cool side. A good day to rest.

The weekend plans might change; we're not sure yet. One of Himself's friends is going through a significant personal challenge, and he wants to be supportive, so we shall see.

Feeling tired tonight, so this will be a short post. More (likely) tomorrow.

Day 62: on rainy day reality

I have mentioned before how much I have wanted to have a rainy day at home. Today I did - and the reality didn't match up to the fantasy. Sir Isaac Newton says it best in his Third Law of Motion: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

My action was to cultivate a sense of Abundant Gratitude within. The reaction was a doubling down on my Depression. I had a massive case of the Heavies, a sense of Why Bother? flowing and ebbing through the day. Instead of curling up in bed and settling in for a 24 hour nap, this time, I resolved to Push Through...

While Himself watched the "never ending" coverage of the last journey of former President Bush (the elder), I put on headphones, found a jazzy station on Pandora, and tidied up the kitchen. That helped a little. Eating a late lunch helped a little. Doing some Shadow Work in the shower helped a little. The Heavies stayed stubbornly with me.

Finally I chose to step out into the Wild Wet Weather and check in with one of my caregiver support groups. There was actually a thunderstorm on the way down, and I felt the Heavies dissipating with each visible lightning strike. Suddenly, my angst didn't feel so big and overwhelming, when compared to the Awesome Power of Nature - not to mention that i felt rather grounded when we reached our destination.

The axiom When you don't want to go to a meeting, is when you really need a meeting, rang quite true. Himself and I got to the group at about 6pm. Both of us got a chance to share, and both of us got a chance to Witness. I came away with the idea that being an Only Child isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sibling rivalries, particularly around Wills and Trusts, can be very ugly.

Himself had originally considered hitting up a casino after the support group (he's rather good at Blackjack, and we're willing to try and curry Dame Fortune's favor at this point), but looking at the weather, and considering the winding twisty roads we would need to navigate to get to one of the decent non-smoking casinos, we chose to wait for the weekend (when it won't be raining), and chose to have a nice dinner instead (with a bit of his birthday money that he had stashed away).

I realized this was another thing I miss: just the two of us, having a nice dinner out, putting aside Duty and Responsibility for a couple of hours, eating tasty food and enjoying the ambiance. This is something I can prioritize, particularly in my "Going Small" perspective; dining out once a month doesn't seem too much to ask.

So we are back home, with a pair of coping cats who don't like the rain, and the Queen Mother, who is shuffling along the best that she can. Aren't we all...coping and shuffling along the best that we can?

Day 61: on considering a wee experiment

While writing in my Morning Pages today, I came to see how good I had gotten at Stinking Thinking. I didn't do any venting onto the page, but I saw how my thought patterns would go straight to considering the "bad" outcomes, if not start to catastrophize outright (envisioning the worst case scenario in an attempt to "cushion the blow" somehow).

Then I had an idea: since I had become an expert at seeing the clouds gathering on the horizon, perhaps I could cultivate a knack at seeing the Silver Linings to the clouds instead. I have heard a ton of messages about Gratitude and Getting More of What You Focus Upon, and so forth, especially over the last few weeks. So, why not try to count my Blessings before I count my Woes? Perhaps I could start counting my Blessings instead of my Woes! Now there's a radical thought...

Starting tomorrow, then, I'm going to try what I'm calling "Abundant Gratitude" for one month. I'm choosing tomorrrow because it's a new moon, perfect for beginning new things, and Mercury is going direct, which will make communications much easier. I can manage tracking Gratitude, and practicing seeing Abundance, for one month. At the end of the month, I will review any progress that I have made and determine whether I'm going to continue.

I have begun Gratitude journals in the past, but they have always seemed to peter out sooner or later. By committing to just one month, I'm making a definitive container that I can pretty easily fill, and if I choose to continue, I can do so month to month, so no big pressure. I really don't have anything to lose, except for my Depression and a good deal of Stinking Thinking.

Wish me luck... :)

Day 60: on consistency

I'm noting today is the 60th day that I have written something on this blog, and that I haven't missed one single solitary day! This is significant because doing something consistently, day in and day out, has been a challenge, at times, on this odyssey of mine. This blog is a thread of possibility, a Yes I Can item for myself that I can build upon.

As an example: I had restarted a practice to keep my energy clear. I was doing well, until it was time for my Moonflow. Since it has come and gone, I haven't been able to get back into that practice. What I need to do is figure out how best to practice while menstruating, so that it just doesn't drop off and I lose the momentum I had built up. I'm good with it on one level, but super frustrated on another level.

On a related note: I still haven't done the two things I assigned myself to do at the start of the week: tidy up the kitchen and complete + turn in the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal paperwork. Today felt like an "off" day for much of the day; I wound up grocery shopping today because I didn't want to do it in the rain. (Did some of that last week. Not radically fun.) It turns out that the forms for the re-evaluation of the Queen Mother's CalFresh (food stamps) arrived in the mail this evening, so now I don't feel so bad. Tomorrow I can take care of ALL the paperwork in one fell swoop, and leave the kitchen for the rainy times coming up.

That's what my rational mind says, yet there's a part of me that's listening to the whispers of the Comparison Monster in my head, that insists I should have been able to do what I needed to do by now, and pick up where I had left off with my energetic + spiritual work, and why can't I summon up the wherewithal to get things done? Furthermore, what good is a schedule going to be if I can't stick to it for more than a week? The Stinking Thinking can and will get out of hand if I let it.

Part of my response is that I'm really very Tired, and this bone-deep Tired gets in the way sometimes. It's not as bad as it was, true, but I don't see it going away anytime soon, not without a week completely AWAY from the whole idea of caregiving. Part of my response it to give myself a break...much of the time, I have to be a one-woman show, and as long as I don't miss any important deadlines, I'm doing just fine. Even if I do miss a deadline here and there, the world isn't going to come to a screeching halt. Part of my response is that I am improving, and as long as I continue to improve (and sneak in a little REST here and there), I will return to a place where I can "get things done," and stick with routines, on a more consistent basis.

With that, I shall return to the blog, and note with satisfacttion: 60 consecutive days. One-sixth of this journey. Yay me. Perhaps, today, that will be Enough. :)

Day 59: on adapting to changing plans

Today could have been bad, but wound up pretty good...

I was getting a week of Himself's medications together this morning when I noticed his blood pressure medication was missing. Both of us took turns looking for it but couldn't find it anywhere. This meant we would have to make a trip to the VA Medical Center to pick it up, since 1) He really needed his blood pressure medication and 2) If it was mailed, there was a good chance it would get stolen, since there is at least one hardcore drug addict living in our complex. The packages from the VA are fairly distinctive.

I was upset at first, because it meant I had to put the plans that I had for today on hold. I took my upset to my Morning Pages, and by the time I had finished writing, my perspective had done a complete 180. I acknowledged how challenged I feel when Something Unexpected happens in my life, and I further realized how Outsized my reaction usually is when an Unexpected plot twist unfolds before me. Today, I remembered to De-Couple my reaction from the event; in other words, I reassured myself I was okay, and the plot twist wasn't a huge deal (it rarely is). I'm allowing myself to consider what the actual source of my triggering IS, and I'm sure the full answer will come in time.

So, newly okay with this Unexpected plot twist, Himself and I went down to the VA Medical Center. We came up with a list of departments to visit while we were there, since he only has one appointment there this month, and there were a handful of questions that we had. For the most part, we were successful, checking off many of the visits we had to make, in addition to getting his all-important blood pressure medication. We were a bit delayed in coming home, but that's rush-hour traffic for you.

Looking a little ahead on the calendar, I don't have anything scheduled for tomorrow, so it's not that big of a deal to simply reschedule my tasks and get what I need to do later, instead of sooner. I feel a lot better about it now than I did this morning. 

Day 58: on the gift of a calm day

Today I was able to shift into having a "Day Off." As a caregiver, I don't usually grant myself permission to have a day of doing little to nothing. Being honest, when there aren't appointments to make or chores to tend to, my mind is usually preoccupied with something that I have to Get Done Now, or Tomorrow At The Latest! Today, however, I declared that everything on the to-do list would abide until tomorrow, and kicked off the Ease with a nap after I had helped the Queen Mother with her breakfast. I didn't bother to get up for good until after 1pm.

One of the reasons I'm feeling so refreshed is because I actually got out and socialized for a few nights. (We made it to the Yule Party right on time last evening, and I enjoyed the Sister- and Brother-hood for the first time in what seems like forever, though I'm sure it's only been a few months.) I realized as I wrote in my Morning Pages today that as much as I need Me Time out in Nature, I also need We Time with peeps of like vibe. This came as a bit of a surprise to me, as I had previously not been aware of the Hunger I had to relate to folks who could relate back, and not necessarily be a part of a support group. I love and need my support groups, don't get me wrong, but I'm more than "just" a Caregiver, and I need to be in situations where I can perhaps bring out those parts of me that I might otherwise forget and give them some fresh air and sunshine as well.

All of this more or less started with an observation I had made about myself (in the Morning Pages), and the question I then asked myself: What is wanting to take everything so Personally within me? because I was taking everything that Life was throwing at me Very Personally. I remembered stories I had found within my Shadow Realm from earlier inquiries, but looked at them from a different angle this time. Not only did this lead to my current ideas around parceling out my days, but I've also let go of a lot of hard feelings and excessive mental gunk that I was carrying around. In a nutshell - my Caregiving experience is MY experience, but I've allowed Other People's Experiences to influence me a little too much. Knowing this, it becomes much easier to keep my own counsel about what works and what doesn't, and allow the opinions of others to slide off my back.

Today was a good, restful day, and I will be in a much better place to tackle what lies before me in the week ahead. :)

Day 57: on gifting myself with time

Today is a good day to do an afternoon blog, where I can let my thoughts stretch out a bit and have some breathing room, instead of trying to cram everything in at 11:30 at night after either a late event, or putting my brain into neutral and not thinking too much more at the end of a given day. So here we go...

One of the downers yesterday was that my plan to "catch up" with a couple of chores I didn't get done earlier in the week got derailed with more extensive-than-anticipated phone calls, and those calls didn't give me the outcome I had hoped for. Today, however, I caught up on those chores, by sweeping up the kitchen floor and taking out all the trash. The recycling will have to abide for the moment, as all of the bins are full, awaiting the city trucks to come and empty them.

About those calls...on the one hand, I will be able to get the necessary paperwork (for the Queen Mother's annual Medi-Cal evaluation) together tomorrow to be able to turn it in on Monday. I will also see if I can get my Provider's pay from the state on Monday, as there is not a share of cost, in theory, attached to her Medi-Cal at this time. (In practice, we shall see!) The situation basically boils down to this: with the state paying her Medicare Part B premium, she is over the "Federal Poverty line" and has a share of cost attached to her Medi-Cal. If the state were to not pay her Medicare premium, she would be below the line, and there would be no share of cost on her Medi-Cal. So I'm going to take a shot in the dark and see if we can ask the state to not pay her premium. I have no idea what the answer is going to be, but at this point, I have nothing left to lose.

Last night, Himself and I went to the synagogue, and then to dinner with some of our fellows for a "Nosh-n-Shmooze." I had all but forgotten how nice it is to be able to converse with other functional adults, outside of the family unit! I had a lovely time and felt re-energized on some levels. Tonight we're going to see if we can do some more noshing and shmoozing with some of my sister Priestesses (and their Priestly consorts) at a party this evening. Being with peeps is good; being with peeps who share your vibe is even better. Last night was Himself's turn, and tonight (Goddess willing) it will be my turn.

I have come to the question of how I can balance all of these things in my life, or at least, inviting some more consistency to my times of respite. That's where Scheduling comes in. I have tried before to schedule the vagaries of my Caregiving life, but my efforts didn't get very far. This time I'm coming at it from a differeng angle: putting in the blocks of time where I have to help out the Queen Mother, or tend to appointments, first; then taking into account what necessary Chores are needing to be done; and finally seeing which times are going to be Strictly for Me, and where I have some wiggle room for whatever chooses to arise. This way, I have a solid foundation to work off of every week, which has the flexibility to change from week to week. This feels like it will serve me better; I'll keep y'all posted.

It appears that I will have the opportunity to practice good form and settle into a nice groove this month, as December has only a few appointments to worry about. January is a different story; we're not exactly hitting the ground running, but we are going to picking up the pace soon after the New Year begins. I will deal with it all as best as I can, per my usual. :)