Day 79: on finding acceptance through "giving up"

Ever since my last major meltdown a few weeks ago, a new attitude has emerged from deep within - very subtly at first, but quite noticeable in the last week or so. It is a deep Knowing that everything is going to be okay in the end; it is also the "Peace that Passeth All Understanding" that boggles some of the more logical parts of my mind. It wasn't until I read my friend Maitri's blog post today that the elusive word for this attitude finally appeared in my mind: Acceptance.

In the past, I have resisted Life As It Is, and resisted hard. I would think that if I just tried a little harder, focussed my atterntion just a little more, I would find The Solution to this problem and all would be well. In practice, this served to amplify the Stinking Thinking going on in my head, more often than not, and would drive me even more crazy than before. Yet I would still persevere in my Resistance, like a bad habit I knew I needed to break, but didn't really want to, if I'm going to be totally honest.

When I had the last major meltdown, I Gave Up. I was done. I had jumped through my last hoop, turned over my last stone. I felt Untouchable and Irrevocably Broken and I was ready to quit bothering with anything and everything entirely. The meltdown was on a Sunday; when I woke up on Monday and found myself still alive and Incarnate on Earth, the Shift began to germinate in earnest.

It came to me later: pre-meltdown, I was still expecting a Dea Ex Macnina move, some master stroke of Divine Intervention from "Goddess Outside of the Machine," that would make everything All Better. Post-meltdown, that hopeful part of me died...but when it did, the source of my Resistance died with it. When I Gave Up, I was finally able to open the door to Real Acceptance, instead of just giving lip service to it.

The shenanigans my lower back is engaging in have tested that Acceptance, but I've come to be okay with the idea of lots of Stillness and Rest, and be thankful that it's ONLY a few tweaked nerves and muscles that have sidelined me temporarily. I have prayed for much more extreme disabilities in the past, when I was deep in my Resistance and desperate for some way, Any Way, out of the bottomless pit my life seemed to have become.

I'm sure there will be futher tests of my Acceptance in the future. For now, I am finding my motivation to resume the hoop-jumping and the storne-turning, because there is work to be done, to be attempted at the very least, to secure my position as the Queen Mother's IHSS provider, and keep that source of income viable. There is still work to be done, and I am motiviating myself to do it. :)