Day 276: on a promising start

I'm not sure if I hit the ground running, exactly, but it was fluid movement from task to task today, so that was a good thing.

While Himself was on the computer after showers and breakfasts, I made an "Executive Decision" to go get cat food and other essentials By Myself. This way, I could address my latent Time Anxiety by doing what I needed to do and not have to worry about waiting on anyone else before getting to the doing. That part was successful.

Once I got back home, Himself was ready to go, so we stopped off at the credit union. I dropped off my paperwork and got some money for bills, and he disputed a payment that was withdrawn from his account without his consent. Though the bills were ready to go, they didn't get paid today. One day more or less won't make a huge difference, though.

Himself and I got good workouts in today. I wound up working out for the equivalent of four miles: one on the cross trainer, one on the recumbent elliptical, one on the hand bike, half a mile on the stationary bike, and half a mile on the treadmill. I am beginning to challenge myself on some of the machines now. 

Though we are officially in "Vacation Season," there were a couple of accidents in the carpool lanes, so we had to take surface streets to bypass the worst of the traffic. By the time we finished the latest Cardiac session and navigated our way home, it was nearly 6:00! Fortunately the Queen Mother wasn't too upset, as she isn't quite back to feeling her usual self. I set about to get her dinner together, then made myself some spaghetti dinner with a nice salad.

I had a good start today, even if I spent some decent time juggling all of the tasks I need to see about getting done this week. Moving on to tomorrow, and the Queen Mother's next doctor's appointment!

Day 265: on finding the solution

Today was finally Laundry Day for the entire family unit, as Himself chose to wash two loads (darks and lights) and I chose to wash one load (for the Queen Mother and myself). With the clothes washed and ready to be dried, the natural next step was to dry the laundry.

Small problem: Himself had some cash in his e-wallet, which we could use for grocery shopping (which we did), but in using his e-wallet to pay, he/we could not get cash back. This was our challenge because the laundromat by our home kicks it old school, as the popular vernacular goes, and needs real quarters, not e-cash, to power its dryers.

I had a solution ready to go: we gather our change, I get the last remaining dollar out of my account at the credit union, convert the change to quarters while we were at it, and we would each have enough cash to dry our load of laundry. The challenge came to convince Himself to go along with me; he had become so put out by the fact he could not get cash back from his e-wallet, he was ready just to fold up his tent and go home. I had to growl at him to go with my plan, which by the way, worked out perfectly.

Both of us can be very stubborn at times, as we both come by it naturally (his parents and my parents could also be said to have wide stubborn streaks in their spirits). Some other emotions came up around today's dryer adventures, so it occurred to me that this would be a good time to write about my control issues, and what I struggled to control, and what I really needed to let go of. While Himself attended a meeting (his therapy), I journaled and got a few things ready to burn in Fire Ceremony (my therapy).

We have since communicated and clarified our positions to each other, and talked our way through the feelings that came up today. Just as importantly, all of the laundry is clean and dry, folded up / hung up and put away.

Tomorrow is the next Cardiac session, so we will burn off any excess emotional energy that needs to be released. :)

Day 253: on cleaning up

I have Inkblot snoozing beside me and Pippa asleep on the Queen Mother's bed. Last night they snuggled together for the first time in a while, so I know they felt relief that the "ordeal" was over.

I have spent the day with my devices off and moved through it with an easy pace. I washed two loads of laundry - one of clothes, the other of blankets, and took everything to the nearby laudromat to dry out. Our beloved dryer, which has been in the condo almost since the day we moved in, was on its last legs prior to the fumigation, and finally gave up the ghost sometime during the fumigation, we think. 

At any rate, one dollar buys about half an hour of drying time, and the dryer actually works! We came home with dry clothes and blankets, but had to rush back to the laundromat because I couldn't find my keys when we stopped to get the mail. Somehow the keys had fallen out of my purse into the laundry cart; fortunately they were still there, untouched. Once retrieved, I got the day's mail and came home to prepare dinner.

Besides hanging up my clothes, I "rotated my wardrobe," moving the Winter clothes to the side and bringing forward the Summer clothes in my closet. I think this is the latest date I have rotated, as usually I need more Summery clothes in May, sometimes even in April. I made a mental note.

Yesterday we put away the things that belong in the bathrooms and unbagged everything that had been patiently waiting in the fridge and freezer; tomorrow I tackle the rest of the bags in the kitchen. Himself will be down in San Diego pretty much all day tomorrow, so I will be able to pace myself again quite nicely. Then I need to sit down to sort mail and plan out the next week. I also want to see about finishing up the latest mandala I've been coloring.

Day 249: on the "fumigation staycation"

Himself actually woke up early, voluntarily! He has challenges with sound sleep away from home, and his brain kicked in to Fully Awake mode right after 7am. Mine kicked on about 7:25.

As we rose early, we chose to take advantage of the free hot breakfast offered by the motel, which consisted of cereal, bread to toast, mini muffins and cinnamon rolls, apples, and make-your-own waffles. Coffee, hot water for tea, and juice (apple and orange) were also offered. We made our own waffles, but the thought of eating waffles for four consecutive mornings was not appealing, especially when paired with live testimony about the status of Latin American Migrant Children on the TV in the room. We agreed to break our fast elsewhere tomorrow.

Once we had full bellies, we drove back to our condo, grabbed a few last minute things, and waited for the fumigators to arrive. They were scheduled to show up between 10:00 and noon; a few minutes after ten, they showed up. I handed them the house keys, Himself and I said a few quick prayers under our breath, then we headed back to the motel. Our unofficial staycation had begun. I tended to the Queen Mother's breakfast when we returned, which she enjoyed with the daily paper.

Since Himself and I woke up way earlier than usual, we visited a Subway to get some sandwiches for lunch; I perused the paper while I ate mine. I got a double chocolate cookie for the Queen Mother, which she enjoyed immensely.  I also finally got a shower in, after which I felt like an entirely new person. It also helped that today was a bit cooler than yesterday.

I accompanied Hiimself out to a meeting, and we had dinner before we came home. We swung by the condo once more to walk the perimeter of our buiilding, then returned to the motel. The Queen Mother is getting ready for bed as I type.

Tomorrrow features another trip to the VA Medical Center in La Jolla for Hiimself's eye appointment, which has already been rescheduled twice. Witth a few other things to take care of, it will be a bit before we return, so we will grab dinner on the way home. Life continues on...

Day 248: on the neverending day of schlepping

I'm checking in from our motel room, twelve hours or so after we first woke up. Much of the day has been spent packing perishable foods in the special bags, figuring out what to take along with us (which is probably ten times too much), and hauling seemingly endless bags and a pair of suitcases and a wheelchair and a portable commode from Point A to Point B. Of course it would have to be during the hottest day of the year so far! It felt like Murphy's Law was definitely in play in that regard.

Before the grand haul, we took the cats over the special "pet hotel" in Petsmart. We gave the staff their food and said goodbye as they were whisked back to their own Kitty Cottage. Pippa once again protested all the way, while Inkblot was calm for most of the trip, until he realized there was a Doggie Daycare nearby, with a lot of dogs present. Then he started growling and expressing his displeasure, but he was soon whisked back to the cat section to be with his sister. We won't be able to visit them, but that's probably for the best, as that would only confuse them all the more.

We stopped at the Mexican restaurant next door to the facility and gratefully had dinner between the first and second trips to the house. We will be headed back tomorrow morning to hand off a set of house keys to the fumigators so they can gain the necessary access to the house.  Himself is already vowing to stop by frequently to keep an eye on events.

I will definitely be sleeping soundly tonight. 

Day 236: on a clear day

The morning ran smoother than it has in a while, as everything unfolded in perfect timing, and I was able to write most of my Morning Pages before the Queen Mother was ready to be helped with breakfast. The part I need to fine tune is my morning prayer, as I fell out of practice and got a bit rusty.

Finally got through the stack of mail that had built up over the past week or so. Over half of what we get goes straight into recycling, as it's mainly envelopes and junk mail. I put the essential stuff aside, and tomorrow will be an "administration day" to fill out papers for the upcoming fumigation, cast a vote for HOA board members, and one or two other things. I'm also going to make my phone calls, which I wasn't able to get to today.

Today was Himself's last Cognitive Behavioral Therapy appointment. The discussion was mainly a review, and also a realization that sometimes, when willpower isn't enough, the body will step in and insist that whatever change needs to be made Will Be Made, Right Now. Basically, Himself's Cardiac Adventure is helping him to make some fundamental changes in his thought processes that the cognitive exercises alone weren't quite able to accomplish.

Both of us are showing the monthly stipends pending in our accounts (Himself's disability pension and the Queen Mother's social security), so we only have one more day in the month to get through. Then we will have a brief window to buy things and pay things before it all shuts down again.

Speaking of financial challenges, Himself did talk to his attorney today, who assured him the situation was not as dire as the Board folks might have implied. Of course they are going to put every effort into winning his case, as they don't get paid unless they win. Unfortunately, there was no timeline as to when we might hear a result - but as I'm changing my focus to the Present instead of the Future, the news really didn't bother me today.

I am feeling lighter and more hopeful today. Part of it is my shift in perspective; part of it is also the shift in the weather. It was a warm and sunny day today, and it finally felt Seasonal for the first time in a few months! The forecast is showing a warming trend over the next week or so, though it will be a little cooler for the weekend. Maybe now I can actually think about rotating my wardrobe over to summer clothes; honestly, this would be the latest in the year that I've shifted from cool weather clothes to warm weather clothes. Not a big deal at all, but one of those interesting notes of life as it is.

So that's it for this evening. Tomorrow my focus shifts to domestic issues to be taken care of. I will see how much I can cross off the list.

Day 233: on sitting with the feelings

I am beginning to see how Luminous this time has been, being sick in the Moontime. Yesterday and today I have been active in my Morning Pages, tracking my feelings as they have unfolded, one after another, finding points where I could initiate Changes, and then feeling the Resistance to those changes - which basically boils down to, "I don't want to change until the Big Changes have come through, because I don't want to waste precious energy now that I might need later."

I find myself feeling Stuck, yet not entirely willing to Unstick just yet. I find myself Tired on an emotional and spritual level, and wanting to conserve all the energy I can until we finally reach the Summit of the Mountain and receive the good Word: that our Waiting is Over, the Rulings are in our Favor, and we can start the business of Coming Back To Life at last.

My resistance is to moving forward despite the Stuckness, to consider what to do if This is as good as it's going to get, for I refuse to believe this is "It," that the be-all and end-all of my life is to be Broke and Caring for Other People while letting my life slip through my fingers. There MUST be more to it than what is around me now, even if I can't see the Something More just yet.

This is where the lesson of Going Small comes in handy: I remind myself one more time that it's not necessarily about the Huge Activity or the Big Goal, that small bites and mini-goals are just as feasible, if not more so. To paraphrase one of my friends: I know this is Temporary, but I don't know how long this Temporary IS. So if I Go Small, I can find those moments of Respite to carry me along until we reach the Summit. 

I hear the rain falling outside the bedroom door right now. It's been raining on ald off all day today; more, there may be some tomorrow, on Memorial Day itself, something unheard of in SoCal. I did see the forecast clearing up and warming up later in the week, so maybe it will finally start to feel like early Summer instead of early Spring!

My Himalayan Salt candle is lit, and SARK's Glad No Matter What is back by my side. I am using the tools at my disposal to, if not change my attitude, at least loosen it up a little. Tomorrow Himself and I are going to consider our options and see if we can't find a way to have some Fun, something which I could totally use at this point, to lighten up all of this "Serious Business" I've been engaging in.

Day 216: on giving myself a break

As we had no appointments, nor significant commitments, on the calendar for the next few days, I declared the immediate future to be a time of Resting and Slow Moving. Today my big accomplishment was going through the mail that had build up over the last few days.

Himself's big accomplishment was making some phone calls, mainly to family and close friends. He also took it easy. His energy was up and down throughout the day, but he has improved overall, feeling significantly better than he has felt over these past few days.

The cats were quite pleased to have me at home (for the most part) today, though Himself was happy to accompany me on a couple of errands that I had to run in the afternoon. It has been raining off and on this week - more like a heavy mist much of the time, with the most significant rain forecast for tomorrow and Saturday, so the cats have been inclined to stay inside a bit more than usual for this time of year. (Rain in May is something of a novelty in my neck of the woods.)

While writing in the Morning Pages today, I realized how Overwhelmed I was feeling. Both Himself and I are going to be investigating some avenues that might get us some extra help, because I definitely need it, at least for the short term. In the meantime, our weekly Friday night meetings are coming up, and Himself has a chiropractic appointment tomorrow. I will be going along to clarify if there are any changes that need to be taken into account with Himself's Cardiac Adventure.

The crisis has passed, and now we adjust to the New Normal. I won't get all saccharine and trite after this latest chapter, but I will advise this: Stay On Top of Your Health. That is our biggest and best asset to have as we navigate through Life.

Day 194: on the fly

Though the alarm went off this morning at 7am this morning, it became apparent that we weren't going to be able to make it to the La Jolla VA Medical Center by 8am for the all important CT scan. The scheduling for Radiology wasn't in until 10am; when Himself got a hold of them, they encouraged him to get there by 11:30, and they might be able to squeeze him in before his Port Access appointment at 1pm. I managed to get in my Tea and Morning Pages before breakfast and a quick shower, and then we were off.

When we got to Radiology, Himself asked if he could reschedule to later today. There did happen to be an opening - at midnight tonight. So guess where he's going in about an hour? Yup, back to La Jolla for the CT scan.

With time opening up, we had a serviceable brunch in the cafeteria: Himself had a breakfast sandwich, and I had soup (a creamy tomato bisque) and a salad. Then we went to his "regularly scheduled" appointments at 1pm (where he got some blood drawn for labs through his port), and 2pm to the Pain Clinic (where we went to see if we could get him re-authorized for a chiropractic referral). We learned that there was a yoga study going on to evaluate if yoga could help with lower back pain in veterans; if he qualifies, he could get paid to do yoga for a few weeks! We will definitely look into that further.

With traffic its usual hot mess, we managed to get home right after the usual dinner time, but not too late after. Once again, we checked the mailbox, and still didn't find what we were looking for: a little financial help from Himself's stepmother. He rang her up, and if we don't get anything in tomorrow's mail, she will stop payment on what she sent us and use Priority Mail to resend it. In the meantime, the generosity of friends has once again come through, and we have enough for gas and cat food...for now. (Thanks to Cancer Angels, an organization that helps Stage 4 cancer patients, we're good with people food...for now.)

I am feeling the Heaviness of Depression wanting to weigh me down, and insist that I am a permanent resident of ScarCity. Part of that comes from being tired, as it has been a long day. Part of it is a test of my pragmatism. I still feel like I'm moving forward, even though it also feels like snails are moving faster than I am.

Tomorrow is Himself's all important Oncology follow up, where we intend to hear the magic word Remission being spoken again, and then he'll be good for another three months. If we're not delayed too badly, I think a detour to the beach will be good for both of us. Fingers crossed in both cases.

Day 140: on wading through the Heavies

I didn't get a good night's sleep last night, and woke up out of sorts. I knew the best place to take my turbulent thoughts was to my Morning Pages, and I made the full three page entry today, objectively dissecting my thought processes and seeing exactly what was going on in my Stinking Thinking.

90% of that which drags me down, whatever form it takes, stems from the feeling of being Super Tired all of the time. I know I'm not Physically Tired; it's more Mentally and especially Emotionally Tired. My biggest fantasy right now is to take an entire week away from Caregiving and all of the Heaviness that surrounds it. Room service wouldn't be necessary, and a spa day or two would be nice! As you can tell, this would involve some money for this fantasy to become reality.

In the meantime, I put the decluttering and reorganizing aside for today, and stepped out into the clear and cold day to accompany Himself to his Cognitive Behavior Therapy appointment to see if it could help him with his pain. I go along with him to remember what he might forget, at least in theory. Getting back home took forever, as there were several accidents on the 78 going east, and we had to detour onto surface streets, and their traffic lights. Le Sigh...

We did get home, and we did eat, and I did rouse myself up to venture back out into the clear and colder night to attend Erev Shabbat services at our synagogue. Even though I don't actively pray with the congregation, I do enjoy mingling with other reasonably functional adults, and we are greeted warmly every time we show up. Socializing is one of my lifelines that I'm making an effort to attend to this year. I came home feeling better than I did when I left, which is always a good thing.

Perhaps I shall shelve all ideas of doing constructive work this weekend and focus on Recharging my Batteries. Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight. Regardless, I am still climbing that mountain.

Day 139: on surfing the shifting tides

It rained off and on today, nothing torrential, but it was cold and windy and it actually hailed at one point, which might be the closest we get to snow here in SoCal. I posted a minute or so of hail on my Messenger as part of my Daily Story efforts.

My Daily Story experiment isn't going as smoothly as this blog experiment is going. I'm missing days here and there, sometimes because I can't find something "interesting" to photograph or video, sometimes because I'm feeling too melancholy (okay, depressed) to bother. I find it far easier to come to this space and type some words, sometimes a handful, other times a short story, and share what's going on that way.

As the weather outside alternated between clouds with rain and hail, and blue skies with sunshine, the weather within alternated as well. I did some long overdue rearranging of some of the kitchen cupboards, putting miscellaneous eats up on the top shelf, with a promise to return for later organizing, and bringing Himself's meds down to the bottom shelf, so I wouldn't have to paw around blindly for medications, and/or grab our small stool from the bedroom and use it to stand on while I looked for the next bottle of whatever medication had run out. That I'm proud of.

On the other hand, our trip over to Albertsons, thanks to the gift card we won at last week's union meeting, didn't feel so smooth. Between what seemed like an interminable wait for Himself's clothes to dry, heading out into the cold and damp, not finding the kind of chicken we wanted (and having to find a frozen equivalent), and having to put something back because it went over the total of the gift card, I was feeling pretty Heavy and hangry by the time we returned home. The hangry I took care of with dinner; the Heavy needed some Quiet Alone Time, with my Himalayan salt candle alight, and a bit of a nocturnal nap. I needed to acknowledge a streak of Shame that I felt when I had to put back the bag of tortilla chips I wanted to buy.

It would not surprise me if I had developed some Seasonal Affective Doldrums along with my Depression, as I seem to be struggling more to keep an even keel in cold Winter-style weather than I do in warm Summer weather. I might get that evaluated at some point, once I have the wherewithal to do so.

The silver lining to all of is that my timesheet was approved, and I will be getting my pay for the first part of February within the next few days. I also realized today that we're almost finished with this month, which makes it two that we've made it through. I'm getting closer to the summit of this mountain, even if I can't see it quite yet.

The foot of the bed will be getting its makeover tomorrow. After that, perhaps the Queen Mother's closet. We shall see...

Day 131: on wheeling and dealing

Yesterday, Himself took the car in for its scheduled maintenance, and he was advised at that time that he was going to need to replace the tires. We have a service contract with the Mazda dealership in town, and they perform the maintenance for free. 

They also let him know about a tire company that would not only give him a Veteran's discount, but also work out a payment plan. So he went down to them yesterday to arrange the purchase, and today we returned to the tire company to get four new tires installed on the car. 

The installation itself was painless, but there was a technical glitch around finalizing the purchase, so both Himself and the serviceman were on the phone with the credit company to see if they could work out the issue. I joked about placing a bet as to who would be answered first; Himself would have won the bet. After returning to the main website and navigating through the options, the transaction was finalized, and we had our tires and a payment plan to go with them.

After we were done with the wheeling, we had to do a little dealing (with the cable company), and we reached a satisfactory conclusion. In truth, I would be just fine without tv for a while, but the rest of the household would have serious fits. We have covered the basics for the rest of the month. Not sure how we're going to get through next month, but we will do our level best.

The latest storm began while we were out getting new tires, and it's expected to drop a lot more rainfall on the county tomorrow. I'm waiting on the advisory to start ark building. ;) Kidding, but we have sandbags left over from the last big rains in 2016, and Himself dragged them to their strategic positions in front of the patio door, just in case.

Not quite sure how our Valentine's Day will unfold just yet, but we will do our best to avoid having a terribly soggy one. 

Day 119: on moving through the cranky

Had another early start to the day today, which didn't flow quite as smoothly as it did yesterday...

Today we had some items to pursue on the agenda. First was a visit to Jewish Family Services, where instead of an interview, we found that we had already been magically "recertified" for the pantry, and did we want to visit it today? Himself went to get the bags and I considered all of my options. I believe we were the first to visit, and we had the pick of the bounty. It was an unexpected blessing to start the day, yet I was on a bit of an edge for much of it. 

Going into a Wal-Mart that reeked of acetone from the beauty salon they had on site did not help my mood, nor did only finding half of the items we needed on our list. Making a couple of other stops to pick up essential items was okay, yet my phone didn't seem to work when the Queen Mother called to see where we were, and I had to yell into the phone that we would be home soon. Not sleeping as much as I prefer for a couple of days in a row didn't help. Mars in conflict with Pluto didn't help either. (When the "God of War" squares off against the "God of Shadows," you get cranky people, basically, and I was one of them.)

I had a nap after lunch, and that helped for a bit, until I went to get the rest of the cat food - something not readily available at the food pantry - at our local Wal-Mart. Then there were several more small misadventures in the store that rubbed me completely the wrong way. Fortunately, Himself came in to save the day, and we went to our weekly meeting after that. We made it home before the next storm began. 

Some days, I move easily and effortlessly through the world outside of my house; other days, it feels like it's all I can do to keep my temper in check and get home as quickly as possible, so I can relax (somewhat) and nest. Fortunately, I have an empty agenda for tomorrow, and a fun thing lined up for Sunday. I will be okay.

Day 117: on working through the day

A little more shifting around of schedules today, as we got a later start than expected...

Himself had a follow up appointment with his Neurologist today. We were making good time to the VA Medical Center until we got onto I-5 from the local bypass. There was a gnarly accident less than a mile ahead, and traffic was quickly coming to a standstill. Fortunately, we were able to take the first exit off of the freeway without too much fuss. Once we arrived at the VAMC, he got out of the car and I took the wheel to find parking. There seemed to be more folks than usual today, because parking was at a premium, even in the parking garage. I wound up parking on the roof of the garage, then made my way down and around to the side entrance. Himself had already gone back to see his doctor, but called for me to come back and be with him once I had texted that I was in the waiting area. The appointment itself was quick and painless.

Afterwards, we pooled our money together and wound up having just enough for me to get a personal-sized veggie pizza. (Food at the VAMC is at least half of the price you would pay anywhere else. You just have to be mindful of what you get.) He surprised me afterward by going to Torrey Pines State Beach, where he pulled out a ham sandwich that he had made at home, and we had a wee picnic by the Pacific. 

Before you ask: yes, he is Jewish, but ham is one of the few meats that actually agrees with him post-colon removal. There's some weird cosmic joke in that somewhere.

After our picnic, we beat most of the commuting traffic home, and arrived in plenty of time to fix dinner. Himself steamed some rice, and I took some of the rice and added white beans and corn to it, then added a simple salad to the dish. He added his rice to some sweet and sour chicken from Trader Joe's. Tomorrow, Himself is expecting to get paid, and we can do a bit more grocery shopping after we take care of a little bit of business.

It was a good day - yet there was some Heaviness that wanted to creep in around the edges. It was enough to throw me off of my game a little bit (but not horribly), and I was content to stay home for the rest of the day, after dinner. I did a little rearranging in the kitchen in the evening: looking over all of Himself's meds and gathering together what has expired. The VAMC in La Jolla has a blue box we can dump expired meds in, near their main entrance, so we'll be doing exactly that next trip. I prefer doing that rather than throwing anything in the trash, or worse, flushing anything down the toilet. I'm all for anything that will help dispose of medications in a responsible way.

I suspect the Heavies were acting as a sort of "spritual barometer," indicating a change in the weather ahead. We are expecting rain on three out of the next six days, and they are all going to cool off the temperatures significantly. I'm not looking foward to the rain, but I'll manage. I have managed so far. :)

Day 116: on a day suddenly opening up

I thought we were going to have an early day today, but Himself and I talked it over last night, and chose to sleep in a little. Sleeping in turned out to be even less of a deal than I thought. We had planned to attend an event, but I had written down the wrong date; it actually unfolds on Thursday instead of today. This led to both of us looking at our calendars and pretty well shifting the rest of the week around. When we were done, the only thing we had to do today was grocery shopping, and that was it.

I am grateful when I can get up and get moving at a leisurely pace, instead of having to be mindful of any appointments or other events. I am doubly grateful when a busy day suddenly empties out and swings wide open. I feel like I can breathe a little deeper and put down my burdens, even if just for one day.

I informed the Queen Mother of our change of plans, and she took advantage of the situation by taking a shower, and (as usual) kvetching about it for an hour or so afterwards. I figure there will come a time when I will have to get in the shower with her and do all of the work while she sits still, but that time is (fortunately) not Now.

Once the Queen Mother was clean and lotioned, I took my shower and got ready to go grocery shopping. I had to watch the prices very carefully, and get only necessities, but I came in below my allotted limit and took care of our immediate needs. I always feel satisfied when I can go in, get what is on the priority list, and not have to put anything back. Is it the willpower? Is it some successful Adulting? I would have to think on that to give you a definitive answer.

The cats were very happy that we came back with more food for them, and the Queen Mother was happy to have more ice cream. So a good trip all in all. ;)

Both Himself and I should be getting our monthly payments before the week is out, so I am not terribly worried about running out of anything. Today was a good day, another one I can add to the tally of good days vs. bad ones. I'm having more good days than bad now, so I call that Progress and grow even more content. :)

Day 107: on being in a rebuilding phase

We are a bit more than halfway through the new year, and I feel like I'm in a Rebuilding phase. I have let go of a lot of stuff from the past few years, and a lot has been sandblasted off of me over the past few years. I feel rather empty, yet cleaned up and ready to be refilled. My question is, with what?

One of the reasons I composed a "100 Things " list was to mine my previous dreams and goals for clues as to what remains within me, now that the Dumpster Fire has all but burned out. I found a little girl who still wants to create, but perhaps not in ways she previously has. I found the Priestess, a bit banged up and bruised, perhaps, but she still carries Magick within her spirit. I found a woman who wants to travel with her husband and have new adventures. I found a social butterfly, her wings pumping to get some life back into them, after staying folded for a long time. I found these aspects of myself that I was afraid I had lost.

My challenge is to navigate the rebuilding in situ, while life continues to unfold around me. Just because this Dumpster Fire is out doesn't mean there aren't hot spots buried deep in the rubble, or that other dumpsters won't catch fire on their own accord. 

Case in Point: I received letters from the County of San Diego office yesterday. According to them, all of the answers I have gathered are now moot, because the questions have been changed. There are three different options for the Queen Mother now, and her Social Security paymet looks like it's too much for all of them. My initial reaction on seeing these letters was, What the Actual Fuck! (pardon my Swahili) 

My new bestie the Pragmatist chimed in as I began to eye the familiar rabbit holes: "Look, call AARP, get a quote from them, take the quote to the county and see what that number will get us. We can move forward from there." Sensible plan. Now I want to go to the hearing, if for no other reason than to get someone there to sit down and explain what is going on in Plain English. My working hypothesis is that they are rolling out April's new Federal Poverty guidelines now, to minimize the hot mess that is gaining momentum in DC and theatening to spill over even more into the other states. So we shall see what happens this week.

Despite all of this, my initial impulse this time is not to isolate, but to reach out, reconnect, sympathize in some areas, but also to return to communities beyond mere support groups. I've done the surviving part; more and more, I want to return to a place of Thriving again. For the first part of this year, I will need to limit myself to "free" activities, especially if I come up with a solution to the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal that everyone can live with. The second part of the year looks much brighter, at least in this moment, and I am happy to go with that.

I'm going to see if I can work up some old-fashioned momentum and get as much done as I can, on a holiday that some folks don't really want to celebrate. It may be hit and miss tomorrow, but if nothing else, my ducks should all be in a row come Tuesday, when business will be back to usual. Pray that I find that magic number!

Day 94: on keeping those appointments

We resumed Himself's "Appointment Week" ant-free and freshly showered. I talked myself out of, then back in to, washing my hair, and I'm glad I did. I get a subtle boost when I'm able to honor my basic needs, and I look ten times better with clean hair than with not-so-clean hair. I wound up doing the driving, as Himself had stayed up later than he had planned, partly because he was freaking out over the possible results of the PET scan, and partly because he had neglected to take his night-time meds. He can be a very curious creature at times...

At any rate, we both made the drive down with empty tummies, as he wasn't allowed to eat after midnight, and I wasn't going to torture him with food he couldn't eat. There was a choice parking spot that just happened to be waiting for us, so I got a chance to practice my parallel parking with the help of the car's wee camera mounted above the license plate. I situated myself within the boundaries of the disabled spot (as both Himself and the Queen Mother are Officially Disabled), so I will take that as a win. ;)

We were a little late to his appointment, but the waiting room was all but empty, and remained empty for most of Himself's session. Once he had been taken back to start the scan, I went down to the coffee shop and got a Chai Tea Latte (with soymilk - they aren't yet offering coconut milk at the VAMC) with an apple-cinnamon muffin. I ate the muffin, then went back up and made myself at home in the waiting room, where I chose my next mandala to color in and went to work. I realized that I had forgotten to pack one of the small pencil sharpeners in my pencil box, so a few small places of coloring needed to wait until I could get home and give my pencils sharper points.

About two hours later, Himself emerged from his procedure, and we went down to the main cafeteria to see what they had for lunch. I got a veggie hummus wrap (which wasn't bad, it just had a LOT of hummus in it) and a bag of chips, while Himself grabbed a turkey sandwich to go with his chips. We split a chocolate pudding parfait for dessert. One thing I can say about the VA's cafe, the food is rather cheap, and you often get what you pay for. Sometimes that's a good thing; other times, not so much. Today it was decent.

I saved about a third of the wrap for later, and we headed to the second appointment of the day: a follow up with General Surgery, the department that had performed Himself's first surgery: the removal of his colon and appendix, the latter having become the size of a cucumber. (Apparently the cancer had jumped first thing into his appendix, instead of spreading more widely through his body, which is probably one of the reasons he's still alive today.) I colored a bit more of my mandala as we waited, and also as he was examined.

They didn't find anything untoward, so we made a final stop at the coffee shop (for his strategic caffeine infusion), and wrangled our way around some road construction to make our way home. See, the VA Medical Center is on the University of Califonia, San Diego campus, and the trolley is being extended from San Diego up to UCSD, the VAMC, and La Jolla. This necessitates detours from time to time, which snarls up traffic, which was compounded today by students returning from Winter Break.

We got home a bit late, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been, for the Queen Mother said she was not feeling well, and had not felt well all day. Instead of her regular dinner, I heated up some chicken broth for her to drink. She did later perk up enough to ask for her usual chocolate ice cream, though. Himself went down to San Diego for a meeting, and I stayed home to keep an eye on mom. I later grabbed a package of mock chicken "morsels," heated them up in the oven, and had them with some rice, along with the rest of my lunch. After dinner, I sharpened several of my pencils and colored in the smaller spaces that needed sharp points. Here's what my mandala looked like when I finished for today:

I expect to color in some more when we return to the VAMC on Wednesday for the next round of appointments.

Tomorrow is appointment-free, so I'm declaring it an "Administration Day" to use for phone calls and to go through the various letters and papers that have been quietly waiting for me to tend to them. I will need to do a bit of grocery shopping as well, but that won't take all day, and will probably serve as a nice change of pace.

Thus do we move forward into the new year... :)

Day 76: on easing my way through chaos

There is a reason why I like a slow morning to ease into the day: it makes whatever happens later in the day much easier to handle.

Like today...it was an easy morning, with plenty of time to drink my tea and write in my Morning Pages. Once I made up my mind to take action in the afternoon, the tempo picked up.

First, I cleaned out the refrigerator to make room for the food we were going to get later. Though we do our best to eat what we have, sometimes we get down to that final nibble we plan to finish off "tomorrow," or we lose track of where we've tucked something away behind all the other jars and bowls, or there's just something that someone don't like and arrangements will be made to pass it along, or get someone else to eat it - except Life takes over, and before we know it, there are some funky "science experiments" happily growing in the fridge that would continue growing ad infinitum, if we didn't step in and throw them out. I took advantage of the situation and took all of the trash out to the dumpster today, as they will be full-to-overflowing in a few days' time, and our trash service is going to be delayed one day.

Just as I was going to step into the shower, the attorney from Legal Aid who is going to help me with the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal appeal called me. I called him back after my shower. I like him already, because he provided some clarity as to what I could and could not do for mom and her Medi-Cal, and he was very sympathetic. We chose to postpone the appeal hearing for (approximately) one month, and I'm going to investigate all of the information I have received one more time to see if there's anything I can purchase, supplemental insurance-wise, that would help our cause. I was not previously in good place mentally to do that, but I'm feeling a bit more motivated to do it now.

After dressing, I got the Queen Mother's dinner ready a bit earlier than usual, and grabbed a protein bar to munch on for the drive down. Himself and I then took off to visit the food pantry at Jewish Family Serices. Getting down there wasn't too bad of a drive, but the traffic leaving San Diego proper was downright Insane! We agreed to stay in the area until after the traffic had died down; we had a few errands we needed to take care of anyway.

We have visited the pantry several times in the last two-ish years, first with Himself and his cancer experience, then because of the Queen Mother's situation. They have a good selection of food, and we have been satisfied with what we have picked up. We have even found unexpected treats there, such as Tim Tams (only the best non-ice cream dessert EVER!) direct from Austrailia. Today we were able to take care of some immediate needs, and stock up on a few things to be used for future Winter meals. I was pleased with what we carried out to the car.

We did eventually make it home, starting back on the road a bit after 8pm, well after the worst of the pre-holiday traffic. There were several instances today where I could have gotten angry, or upset at yet another change of destination, but I felt strangely At Ease with everyone and everything instead. Something has Shifted within me over the last two weeks, and I no longer feel on the brink of disaster. I'm still trying to find the words to express and process this properly.

Tomorrow I have to get Yet One More document filled out and turned in, and then I can begin to dive into the deep waters of Yuletide. I have much to unpack and make peace with, and I'm finally at a point where I can do just that. :)

Day 69: on flowing with the go

As accomplished as I feel when I am able to get some Adulting done, I feel even more accomplished when I can Adult during my Moonflow. When I bleed, I become significantly Introverted, and generally don't want anything to do with the world until I am complete. I have found that the more I am able to relax at home, the more willing I am to Adult, for short periods of time, during my Moonflow.

So, today's Adulting...

I have turned in one of my timesheets to IHSS for processing. I have been assured up- down-and-sideways that the dreaded Share of Cost is not there at the moment, so we will see what happens. Goddess knows that whatever money I can get would come in super handy!

I also talked to the Medi-Cal peeps today. I don't think the nice lady quite understood what we were appealing, but that's okay. I did get my significant question answered: yes, they could stop paying the Queen Mother's Medicare Part B (which pretty well makes up the difference between where we are and where we need to be), and she would get under the Poverty Line again. As soon as she would be approved, though, the state would step in and start paying her Part B, which would put her back over the line. It's an all-or-nothing arrangment, basically...and unfortunately. (I had to ask, though). The PS on this is that the hearing will take place the day after Christmas, on the 26th.

I managed to get some wiggle room for our electric bill, so if Nothing Else, we'll be able to keep the power on. Ths also means I'll be able to keep a little more cashola in my pocket, which is always a very good thing. Next up is printing up an assistance form for the HELOC that we have, to see if I can work any magic with that situation.

See, one thing I acknowledge, besides being challenged by The Unexpected, is a tendency to become overwhelmed by looking at the Big Picture and thinking I have to solve it All At Once. Not so! I am using my new mantra, What's to Be Done Now, and taking apart my problem into its various components, then tacking one thorny bit at a time.

Right now, we are awaiting the completion of Himself's personal injury chiropractic regimen; when that is done, his attorney will pursue the settlement. The chiropractor says he will be finished with this phase of treatment by the end of March. Based on that, we're thinking we'll get that settlement sometime in May or June. The bad news: we're going to be floating down this river for another 4-6 months. The good news: I now have a fairly firm Timeline that I can maneuver with, and make arrangements with. Wish me luck, friends, because I'm going to need all of it I can get!

And I didn't think I would be able to rustle up any words for this blog entry today. HA! ;) 

Day 67: on adulting

I pat myself on the back today for getting some Adulting done successfully. I beat the Depression back with my walking stick. ;)

I made some challenging phone calls. I didn't get all the answers I had hoped for, but the calls are done, and I have a better idea of what things look like.

I also did a load of laundry and got some much needed groceries. I have enough that I could get by with a few things here and there, and Himself could probably do some culinary improvisation as well. Even the cats have a basic routine that doesn't cost a horrible amount of money.

The Queen Mother is the most significant challenge: she know what she wants, and waivers very little from what she wants. I have noticed, however, she's become a little less picky in the past few weeks. Either she doesn't remember what she's wanted in the past, or she's stopped complaining about her dietary options (preferring to save her complaints for how "messy" the house is). Either way, I'm grateful for the extra wiggle room, and do what I can to save money.

Change of pace tomorrow: caregiver support group (yay!), plus an appointment or two. Himself and I are also going to meet with one of our friends to talk some shop and possibly brainstorm on ideas.

By degress, Hope returns... :)