getting ready

Yesterday and today were all about getting some stuff done before the next rainstorm arrives, which they are predicting for sometime tomorrow morning. We are definitely in the Winter Storm track now. Last week was very much a drenching, and this week promises to follow suit. It looks like it's going to be a very soggy Turkey Day, much like last year's was, actually.

Yesterday I managed to get the laundry done. Today I got out the trash and the recycling. The "non-valuable" recycling went into the bins by the corner dumpster, while the valuable recycling went to the local recycling center. Between what we had gathered in the house and what Himself had brought home from the Club, we got enough to fill up the gas tank in the car...very important for the days to come!

Somehow I was "volunteered" to provide a green salad for the potluck celebration that the Alano Club holds every year. (Pausing to throw a little stinkeye at the husband.) Fortunately salads are my gig, so I will be taking my precious $20 and using some of it to grab a few ingredients I need for the salad. I need more lettuce anyway, so there you go. Himself's monthly pension arrives on Friday, so it's not as big a deal as it could have been. I will also be braving the food frenzied crowds tomorrow to pick up a few cans for the cats, as pretty well EVERYTHING will be closed on Thursday. Friday will be our next big grocery run, which will also be a hoot and a half, as we duck and dodge between rabid Black Friday zombie shoppers.

My local cousin and her family will be heading north to Sacramento this year for their annual "Turkey Week" celebration. While I'm a bit bummed that there won't be a family gathering this year for us to attend, I'm also relieved that there's one less event I have to schedule on the calendar. Besides, this also gives me the excuse of scheduling a get-together with family, perhaps before the end of the year, perhaps after. It will depend in part on my mood.

Speaking of, my mood is brightening a bit. I admit to being challenged by a bit of Seasonal Affective Disorder - the cool dark damp is not optimal Jaguar Weather - but I am finding something of a happy medium to navigate these shorter days and longer nights with. Perhaps the fact that my Shadow-Work during this last Mercury Retrograde was particularly informative and insightful has helped. I am looking over my results and drawing up a semi-formal action plan.

It might be akin to washing the car before a rainstorm, but I'm intending on washing my hair tomorrow, so I don't have to worry about washing it on Thursday, when we'll likely be running around like turkeys with our heads cut off. I might, or might not, blog again before month's end. If you are celebrating this week, eat well, but don't overdo it. They're called Leftovers for a reason! ;)

yup, still here ;)

I see it's been about a week, so I thought I would take advantage of the relative
quiet here and check in.

I had planned to write sooner, but I had another a visit from my "bestie," Depression. She stopped by after I had to cancel my planned therapy appointment because I did some math, and realized I needed to get cat food more than I needed to get my head shrunk. Of course, to my Very Little One, that represented yet another Broken Promise that I could not keep for myself.

I was recovering from that when I got waylaid by some sort of sinus issue. Cold or Infection, I'm not sure, but I felt like crap, had to force myself to eat, and spent more time asleep than awake. These are my signs that I'm really and truly sick, and when I added that to my Depression, oh was that loads of fun! Do not wake me until at least 2025, please! I did start feeling better yesterday with the clearing of the brain fog out of my head. Today, however, my lower back began protesting, so I've continued to keep my activity level low key.

It was not hard to stay chill. actually, as the skies opened up this afternoon and the rain came down with a vengeance for Southern California. Hello, Winter Storms of 2019! We're supposed to get more rain tomorrow, then have it taper off on Thursday, leading to seventy-degree temps for the weekend and beyond. I joke that I took a "second shower" when I went out with Himself to grab the yogurt he forgot to get yesterday. I splurged a little and got myself an Eggnog Greek Yogurt. Some folks go crazy for Pumpkin Spice. My holiday turn-on is all things Eggnog (the "unleaded" version, of course.)

Oh yes, we finally got the anticipated authorization for the Queen Mother's CT scan as well. I had the appointment set up for her, but had to cancel it due to the Creeping Crud. If I can play my cards right, I can get her bloodwork done in the same building prior to the CT scan, so I'm going to give that a shot. She seems to have improved physically, but is now having trouble telling time on a regular clock. I have resisted going totally digital, but might not have a choice any longer.

Though the first part of the week was trashed, I'm looking forward to some fun things in the second half of the week. Hopefully I can get myself back into at least a semblance of balance in the next few days, as I have not been a happy camper as of late...

time apart + veteran's day

Last week Himself traveled up to Seattle. He managed to finagle his way home on Sunday instead of Monday. I stayed home with the Queen Mother, who is plateauing - not getting better, but not getting any worse either.

Last Thursday was the hardest. Though I tried to look on the positive side, I also allowed myself to feel the disappointment of not being able to go. I did manage to make it to the Caregiver Support Group that evening, and it was exactly what I needed. My check in was long overdue, and it was good to share and be affirmed and witness other's stories.

Friday I made it to my Recovery meeting. Though I was tempted not to go, I needed to ensure the door was open for any "newcomers." It turned out to be a good meeting as well.

I had plans for the weekend, but they dissolved as my Introversion grew stronger. In theory, I was "conserving gas," but in practice, I really didn't want to go out. I was feeling overwhelmed and wanting nothing more than to rest. I did get myself out the door on Sunday to grab some groceries, and of course I made it down to the airport that evening to pick up Himself and bring himbhome.

I am noticing that I need to push myself just a little, especially when it's just me and the Queen Mother, and Himself is running around. I am tending toward Not Doing Anything when I don't have to. I'm not sure whether this is recovering from Burnout or a new iteration of my Depression; most likely it's some combination thereof. There's a part of me that needs to get out and connect with friends, so I need to make a bit of an effort to get off of my duff and get myself out there, for my sanity.

With Himself at home, we were able to take advantage of yesterday's Veteran's Day bargains. He wound up getting free breakfast and dinner, and graciously paid for mine. It's not that I was taking the day for granted, but being on a shoestring budget, and wanting some We Time with my significant other, it behooved me to take advantage of the situation. I had some lovely leftovers this evening for dinner.

I will finish my catching up tomorrow, as I'm feeling complete now. 

reaching (more) acceptance

I have a cat asleep on my legs at the moment, so it might take some time to get this particular post typed and published. I am typing mainly by touch at the moment, so although I might not move with lightning speed, I will be pretty accurate. Of all the classes I took in high school, typing has been the most useful by far, certainly more so than trigonometry. ;)

Anyway, tonight I come to the blog filled with more Acceptance than I've known in a very long time. I am accepting that when Himself and I drive down to the airport tomorrow morning, I'm staying behind and driving back home. Not only am I now okay with not going, but I've been considering what I will be able to do without him. As always, the Queen Mother will be my first priority, but I might be able to slip in a wee outing here and there.

A small update: originally we were going to come home on Monday, the 11th. When it became apparent that the excursion was going to be a solo one, Himself looked into flying home on Sunday instead. Today he confirmed that would indeed be the case, so I will be picking him up Sunday evening. This is nice because we'll be able to celebrate Veteran's Day together, if only in a low-key way.

Back to the topic: I accept that the Queen Mother's condition is continuing to decline. Her "Homeward Descent" seems to have plateaued a bit again, but she is still rather worse off than she was before her last "episode" a week ago, physically and mentally. I also accept that I don't know how long this process will take - six more months? six more years? My grandmother lived into her mid-90's, and while we all hope that doesn't happen with the Queen Mother, especially mom herself, there is the possibility that she could live as long as, or even longer than, her mother. I do have a plan coming together the longer this Odyssey goes, though.

I accept that all of my Big Plans - the ones that involve some quantity of money - are all officially On Hold until said money arrives, hopefully sooner than later, sometime next year. I turn back to the idea of Going Small and see what I can create for myself. I have already found myself a hotel room which I will be escaping to (for twenty-four hours) next month. There are places to eat within walking distance, and unless Google Maps is way out of date, there is a Hot Tub waiting for me to soak in at the hotel. Oh Simple Joys! :)

I accept that I need to work a bit more on asking for help, and just as significantly, receiving said help. Here is a place for me to examine my Shadow material and see what can be done.

I accept that, although the writing of the Morning Pages and the Timed Writing exercises are helpful, I could still use a neutral party to hear my vent and suggest things I might not be seeing. I start therapy next Thursday.

That's what I'm currently accepting now. There may be more later, but it looks like I will need to charge up the keyboard first. The cat is still asleep on my legs, too.

the "25 hour" day, and afterwards

I had been looking forward to the Falling Back of the Clocks in their one hour because it meant an extra hour of sleep. The sleep was okay, but what benefit I got out of it vanished as I chased Pippa around the house yesterday morning to try and help her clean her slightly poopy butt! Cat poop is perhaps the most noxious smell in the Universe, and it took everything in me not to hurl as I provided an assisting wipe or two. Pippa handled the rest of the work, though, and all was well, and blessedly non-poopy..

With the changing of the clocks, there is a Changing of the Seasons that one can feel around this time in Southern California. One changes from tank tops and shorts to t-shirts and pants. One smells the woodsmoke coming from the neighbors' fireplaces at night. One throws an extra blanket on the bed. One looks forwards to the warmth in one's morning beverage to help chase the chill away. One stops using the air conditioner and starts using the heater, especially in the early mornings, and doubly especially if one lives with one's mother who complains about being Cold All Of The Time!

On that note: the Queen Mother's body is definitely catching up with her mind now. The "blah feeling" in her body is not going away, and she's not as peppy as she has been. The colder weather is not helping her mood or her bones, I suspect. 

I am continuing my dalliance with Acceptance of my situation. My hidden motivations become more clear with all of the Shadow Work I am doing. I am starting to look forward to what I will be able to do while Himself is away; nothing grand, mind you, but maybe getting out a bit more than usual to enjoy some fresh air! I haven't yet dove into my pile of Real Books, but I am moving into my next Moontime, and I have been feeling the pull inward most significantly. I have to remind my Loved Ones: It's nothing personal, I just want to be left alone with the cats. M'kay. It will be tempting to sleep a lot during the next few days anyway.

Unlike previous weeks, this week is opening up as unscheduled and unfilled. With the Trickle about to become a Flood, I'm in no rush to fill it.