Day 238: on a strong finish to the week

I'm feeling pretty good about how this day went. 

I faxed the fumigation paperwork over to the pest control folks, and finally got the ball rolling on seeing whether I could get a letter from the Queen Mother's doctor's office to say she was disabled before she started receiving her Social Security. Whether or not they can is another matter entirely, as the office manager said she would have to do "a little research." Wait, you mean you might have records about my mother that you didn't send to me when I requested them?? (note to self: look over what I received from the Queen Mother's doctor One More Time!)

In between the administrative items, I tackled the kitchen and significantly improved its state. I also cleared out a lot of trash and recycling, so the chaos has been repelled for now. All of the work got me my thirty minutes of exercise for the day.  :)

This evening Himself and I paid a visit to the synagogue. It's a bit of a challenge, balancing our firm commitments vs. our desired activities, and what can be exchanged for what else. The service was small, but very heartfelt and fulfilling. The schmoozing afterward was a bit more political than I generally like, but Himself was right at home: he has an opinion and is not afraid to share it! We came home a bit latr than expected, but that's okay. Our agenda for tomorrow is pretty open.

I wind down with the intention to Unplug for the weekend, as usual, so there will be a couple of shorter posts...or I might write something in depth on Sunday evening. I will see what I feel like come then. 

Day 237: on compromise

This will be a bit challenging, as I'm endeavoring to type this while lying down and propping the screen up against Inkblot the cat, who is lying atop my pelvis. Here I go anyway...

Today was occupied with making arrangements for the upcoming fumigation. Himself managed to take advantage of his status as a Navy Veteran to make an arrangement with some of the the local Veterans of Foreign Wars to help out with hotel costs. They found us a pet-friendly place - a Motel 6 - on the other side of town, for about half the cost of what we were initially looking at. Though I'm not thrilled with the idea at staying at a Motel 6, beggars can't be choosers, and this just might work out to be a better arrangement overall.

As the pieces of that puzzle were coming together, we took advantage of Himself's account being replenished to grab groceries and pay some bills, with more to come tomorrow. I managed to fill out the all-important fumigation paperwork today, and will fax it over tomorrow. I also managed to file the various pieces of mail we've received in their appropriate spots.

As  bonus, I found some wherewithal to clean up in the kitchen and load the dishwasher. The kitchen is also a "to be continued" for tomorrow, along with some more bill paying. We're not quite sure what the evening plans will be, but we'll figure that out as well.

Suddenly I have more faith that Life is happening FOR me, rather than TO me. Indeed, She moves in Mysterious Ways. 

Day 236: on a clear day

The morning ran smoother than it has in a while, as everything unfolded in perfect timing, and I was able to write most of my Morning Pages before the Queen Mother was ready to be helped with breakfast. The part I need to fine tune is my morning prayer, as I fell out of practice and got a bit rusty.

Finally got through the stack of mail that had built up over the past week or so. Over half of what we get goes straight into recycling, as it's mainly envelopes and junk mail. I put the essential stuff aside, and tomorrow will be an "administration day" to fill out papers for the upcoming fumigation, cast a vote for HOA board members, and one or two other things. I'm also going to make my phone calls, which I wasn't able to get to today.

Today was Himself's last Cognitive Behavioral Therapy appointment. The discussion was mainly a review, and also a realization that sometimes, when willpower isn't enough, the body will step in and insist that whatever change needs to be made Will Be Made, Right Now. Basically, Himself's Cardiac Adventure is helping him to make some fundamental changes in his thought processes that the cognitive exercises alone weren't quite able to accomplish.

Both of us are showing the monthly stipends pending in our accounts (Himself's disability pension and the Queen Mother's social security), so we only have one more day in the month to get through. Then we will have a brief window to buy things and pay things before it all shuts down again.

Speaking of financial challenges, Himself did talk to his attorney today, who assured him the situation was not as dire as the Board folks might have implied. Of course they are going to put every effort into winning his case, as they don't get paid unless they win. Unfortunately, there was no timeline as to when we might hear a result - but as I'm changing my focus to the Present instead of the Future, the news really didn't bother me today.

I am feeling lighter and more hopeful today. Part of it is my shift in perspective; part of it is also the shift in the weather. It was a warm and sunny day today, and it finally felt Seasonal for the first time in a few months! The forecast is showing a warming trend over the next week or so, though it will be a little cooler for the weekend. Maybe now I can actually think about rotating my wardrobe over to summer clothes; honestly, this would be the latest in the year that I've shifted from cool weather clothes to warm weather clothes. Not a big deal at all, but one of those interesting notes of life as it is.

So that's it for this evening. Tomorrow my focus shifts to domestic issues to be taken care of. I will see how much I can cross off the list.

Day 235: on facing the lesson

The good news: Himself won't need to return to the Cardiac department unless he has further adventures, and the staff helped to expedite the process to get him into Cardiac Rehab. He is moving in the right direction, healthwise.

The bad news: The HOA is not willing to delay the fumigation a second time; more, they say we get to pay $750 in fines if we don't comply. The thought to stay put and eat the fines is tempting, since that's less than the estimated hotel bill! However, something the Queen Mother said the other night gave me an idea: I can ask my cousin, who happens to have a nice-sized house, to see if she can put up with us - I mean, put us up - for a few days so said fumigation can take place, and we can save some moolah. I will add calling her to my to-do list.

The WTF: Himself's VA attorney presented some evidence to the Board to support his claim. There is still no ruling yet, and he was informed that the whole thing might be remanded back to the Regional Board here in San Diego. This is NOT a welcome possiblility, since they have not always been straightforward, in Himself's reckoning, in evaluating his claims. Besides, we aren't sure what that would do with the case overall. He has a call into his attorney to discuss the situation.

The Lesson, which I have been trying to avoid, if I'm going to be truly honest: I need to stop thinking about what I'm going to do to care for myself, "when we get the money/financial stability." I need to think about what I can do for myself and my sanity NOW, while we're hanging out in Limbo. I need to Go Small in ALL areas of my life, and get rid of any lingering expectations of Timing. (I will say, though, things will start getting Very Ouchy if there isn't a resolution by the end of June.)

To start, I have three goals this week: 1) Get my mornings a bit better organized - wash bowls and start water for tea first thing, then read some Literature and say a prayer or two while the tea steeps and everyone else in the house gets ready. 2) Step out and Walk while the Queen Mother watches her news, and Himself tends to his own business. 3) Shut down my devices about 11pm, then meditate after I help the Queen Mother into bed. I will check in at the end of the week with my progress.

The mists have parted for a time, and not only do I see we reached a plateau instead of the summit of the mountain, we have been walking around in circles for some time. I move to break out of my "holding pattern" and get on with LIFE, instead of yearning for a future that would only come after I burned out so badly I wouldn't be able to appreciate it.

My clock says it's 11:05, so I will say Good Night and return again tomorrow. 

Day 234: on enjoying the day

There were a couple of events to choose from today. We wound up checking in with both events.

It wound up being a "grazing day" today: a veggie burger here, a potato salad there, some baked beans over there, and some rice and veggie gyoza at home. All very tasty, most unexpected, and all of it welcome.

I am a bit tired tonight, so I think I will stop here. Tomorrow is a stepping back into the routine, with a pair of appointments for Himself in La Jolla. Perhaps I will speak a bit more freely then.

Day 233: on sitting with the feelings

I am beginning to see how Luminous this time has been, being sick in the Moontime. Yesterday and today I have been active in my Morning Pages, tracking my feelings as they have unfolded, one after another, finding points where I could initiate Changes, and then feeling the Resistance to those changes - which basically boils down to, "I don't want to change until the Big Changes have come through, because I don't want to waste precious energy now that I might need later."

I find myself feeling Stuck, yet not entirely willing to Unstick just yet. I find myself Tired on an emotional and spritual level, and wanting to conserve all the energy I can until we finally reach the Summit of the Mountain and receive the good Word: that our Waiting is Over, the Rulings are in our Favor, and we can start the business of Coming Back To Life at last.

My resistance is to moving forward despite the Stuckness, to consider what to do if This is as good as it's going to get, for I refuse to believe this is "It," that the be-all and end-all of my life is to be Broke and Caring for Other People while letting my life slip through my fingers. There MUST be more to it than what is around me now, even if I can't see the Something More just yet.

This is where the lesson of Going Small comes in handy: I remind myself one more time that it's not necessarily about the Huge Activity or the Big Goal, that small bites and mini-goals are just as feasible, if not more so. To paraphrase one of my friends: I know this is Temporary, but I don't know how long this Temporary IS. So if I Go Small, I can find those moments of Respite to carry me along until we reach the Summit. 

I hear the rain falling outside the bedroom door right now. It's been raining on ald off all day today; more, there may be some tomorrow, on Memorial Day itself, something unheard of in SoCal. I did see the forecast clearing up and warming up later in the week, so maybe it will finally start to feel like early Summer instead of early Spring!

My Himalayan Salt candle is lit, and SARK's Glad No Matter What is back by my side. I am using the tools at my disposal to, if not change my attitude, at least loosen it up a little. Tomorrow Himself and I are going to consider our options and see if we can't find a way to have some Fun, something which I could totally use at this point, to lighten up all of this "Serious Business" I've been engaging in.

Day 232: on the rebound

My nose is much less congested; I can breathe again! My throat is no longer scratchy and sore. Definitely moving in the right direction.

Had some good work in the Morning Pages as well. More on that later.

Day 231: on an official sick day

Wading through it today. Being sick is no fun; being sick during my Moontime is even less fun. Still, I need to jump up when the Queen Mother hollers, or when Himself needs "a little help." Today I really felt the need to have my week's vacation Away From All Things Caregiving. (That's my red hot fantasy right now.)

I'm shutting everything OFF this extended weekend. I still intend to blog, but the entries will most likely be short one-liners. Enjoying my tea will be mandatory; writing in my Morning Pages will be optional, depending on how well my mind is functioning.

Hopefully I will be back on my feet by Tuesday.

Day 230: on conserving energy

Officially in the Moontime and slightly under the weather. Himself and I seem to have matching sinus infections. The main difference: whereas I'm moderately congested and have a bit of a scratchy throat, he was irrigating several times a day and sounded like he was trying to cough up a lung, before his antibiotics kicked in. He gets the short end of the stick with sinus issues because his sinuses are very messed up, way more than mine. (Longish story.) However, everyone who told him he was "not contagious" was LYING. 

Played it low key today. Was amused when I finally woke up and my mind yelled, "Everything Is Cancelled!" It is rather challenging to have a minor cold during my Moontime, so I'm following my Inner Diva's advice and taking it easy, playing each day by ear.  

The cats took it easy as well, mainly due to the fact that there was light rain outside in the morning hours. The afternoon saw everything dry out, so they took advantage of the dryer weather to get a little exploring in. Pippa caught something, but I didn't let her into the house with her prize. She came in later, I was told, sans catch, and had a late supper.

Still considering my agenda for tomorrow. Will see how I feel.

Day 229: on a less busy day than planned

I went with Himself to the VA Medical Center to his Neurology appointment. They redid his headache medication because of the Cardiac medication he is now on. Traffic was heavy on the way home, but nowhere as heavy as it's going to be tomorrow with the start of the Memorial Day weekend.

As we were coming home, the emotional tide that had been building over the past few days finally crashed in, big time. Yup, I'm in the Moontime, and my heating pad and dark chocolate are my BFF's right now. On top of that, I might be getting a cold, because Himself has had some "sinus challenges" of his own the past few days. Cooties, the gift that keeps on giving! (Grr grr grr.)

Fortunately, there isn't a whole lot on the schedule tomorrow, so I'm going to lay low. I might lay low all the way through the Holiday weekend. To Be Determined...

Day 228: on a calmer-than-intended day

After shifting a few things around yesterday, the Queen Mother took her shower today. I had a few things to do, but never really got out of first gear, so shelved my plans till tomorrow, which will be a busy day. 

It occurred to me today that I might be entering Menopause, as there are small signs, but no significant flow as of yet. I remain watchful and I wait. Definitely no possibility of pregnancy outside of Immaculate Conception. ;)

It's not that I don't have much to say today, but the words are not coming together quite yet on the page. It has turned out to be a day of Consideration and Contemplation, along with on and off showers. I'm missing my Sunny SoCal weather for sure!

Instead of trying to force the words to come together, I'll leave off here for tonight, and see what comes up tomorrow. 

Day 227: on a break in the pattern

The skies were that mix of clouds and sun that inspires paintings. The rain is expected to come back overnight tonight, maybe a bit into tomorrow. Friday is our only day to have actual clear skies. If anyone back East is suffering from excess heat, they are welcome to come out here. Our Summer seems to have been postponed due to a longer than normal spring.

The good news: we DO NOT have a slab leak! What is really going on: the pipes for the kitchen, washer/dryer, and bathrooms are not set deeply into the ground, so if we take several showers consecutively, or use a lot of hot water otherwise, we might feel some heat. If the heat spreads out to cover the entire floor, and/or we find excessive moisture building up, THEN we have an issue. Happy that our homeowner's insurance covered the cost of the nice plumbing gentleman to come out and check for the slab leak.

That was the only part of the day that went "as planned" before the schedule went sideways. The Queen Mother would rather shower tomorrow instead of today, thank you, and Himself has a meeting tomorrow evening he needs to attend, so I had to change plans in the calendar - and found myself getting peeved at having to rearrange the calendar, because what had been laid out suited ME just fine. So I did a little Work around that.

I also noted I was feeling more like Isolating myself, as in "leave the dark chocolate at the door and step away, thank you kindly." I might not be actively Flowing yet, but I'm getting close. At least I had a chance today to fortify myself with some of the aforementioned dark chocolate.

Shower vs. Appointment tomorrow: we shall see which way the wind blows.

Day 226: on rainy day activities

The rain was falling when we got up this morning. Needless to say, Inkblot wasn't happy. He started in on his "protest nap" before we left for our Sunday Support Group.

Himself and I arrived at the group at a reasonable time this time, and we managed to hear everyone sharing. I want to tell everyone I meet to write a letter to their Higher Power! I'm not quite as serene as I was on Friday, but I'm still feeling Lighter.

As we finished group, it started raining again, so I quickly reviewed my mental shopping list and determined we could grab groceries tomorrow, so we headed home instead. Wouldn't you know that the rain became just a little heavier the moment we stepped out of the car!

I finally talked myself into doing a bit of cooking for dinner, so I took a can of lentil soup, added some pinto beans and half a can of corn, then added it to some of our rice for another round of my "Iron Stew." I have been advised in the past that I have a tendency towards Iron deficiency, and as I'm expecting to enter my Moontime within the next day or two, I thought I would eat some iron-rich food to bolster my blood.

I find myself returning to my Step-Work these days, and have picked up where I left off. I have my own Recovery Program I am working. I started this particular set of steps in November 2017, then went way off course; the time finally felt right to pick up and continue on.

Tomorrow we have someone coming in to see if indeed we have a dreaded Slab Leak in the house, and what steps need to be taken next. There is also the matter of asking the pest control company that is in charge of the fumigation about their chemicals. So I'll be jumping back in with both feet, but not completely in the deep end. I'm going to remember: Easy Does It. :)

Day 225: on stepping out

I got my contemplative walk in! It was so nice to be out in the fresh air and sunshine!

I went to Kit Carson Park - not the wildest of places, but they have a neat duck pond, which I have shared about previously. There were ducklings today swimming about with their moms and practicing their diving skills. As it was May, they were no longer the tiny cute fuzzy ducklings, but I identified them by their peeps and their slightly smaller size than the mature ducks.

I also took a small walk about the park, saving a long hike for another day. What struck me most was towards the end of my sojourn, when I saw an orange tree that had been previously burnt (?) that had new growth in its center, and was producing oranges again. It was in bloom, and the orange blossoms smelled Divine. I felt that tree was a lot like me: scorched by calamity in the past, but with new growth arising from its center today.

I find my Serenity and Inner Peace when I can step out of the Nonsense and Cacaphony of the human world, and connect directly with the Natural World, whether in a forest, at the beach, or even a semi-wild park. As I walk upon the bosom of Mother Earth, observing my Wild Relatives, I come back home to myself.

I have been needing to do this for some time, and I am needing to remember to do this more often. So I shall set down my Intention and see what happens. :)

Day 224: on finishing strong

I rose to the occasion today, making some of my necessary phone calls, finding a new lead or two, and keeping some balls rolling. I washed my hair (which is one of my new barometers for a successful day), got some groceries, and hit up my/our weekly meetings. I handled today Like a Boss.

My renewed vigor was partly the result of the chillaxing day I had yesterday, and partly a suggestion that I followed: Write a Letter to (Your Higher Power). Between writing that letter, reading it aloud, and the meditation I was inspired to do afterwards, I had a significant Come to Mama moment. I experienced a profound Reconnection, and woke up today feeling more grounded and centered than I have in quite a while.

The second part of the suggestion is to take a quiet contemplative walk. I think I can manage that tomorrow, before the next round of rain moves in. The trick might be to get away for a few moments By Myself! I'll see what I can do.

Suddenly Life doesn't seem quite so Heavy, so I'll go with this Flow for now. :) 

Day 223: on consciously slowing down

Today was a good day to put my brain in the fridge and chill out. I made a choice to put business to the side and allow my mind to empty out and stay empty; for the most part, I was successful. I finished coloring in my most recent mandala, and started to read a new to me book.

I did have to proofread a letter Himself had written, and help the Queen Mother to sort through her shoes (She's down to two pairs now). I also had to return a call from her doctor's office, to find out her Vitamin D levels are a bit low, and her cholesterol levels are a bit high, so we need to make a few tweaks to her diet. Whether she will go along with said tweaks is to be determined.

Mom received her DVT diagnosis, and began this journey in earnest, just before Himself finished chemotherapy. When he had his heart attack a week and a half ago, I started waiting for "the other shoe to drop" in regards to mom. If this is the worst that is going to happen, I will gladly accept it!

I made it to my caregiver support group this evening. Two new caregivers showed up, one who had just connected with SCRC, and one who was possibly looking to connect. It was good to share and to listen, to be with people who Get It, and won't look at you cross-eyed when you go into detail about how crazy your odyssey has been.

I feel refreshed today, enough to tackle some of the business waiting on me tomorrow. Himself was doing his part of the legwork today, so perhaps tomorrow will be his day off. Doubtful, though - just before he was admitted into the hospital, we received word that the fumigation is back on, for the middle of next month, so we need to see if we can take care of that.

Once I'm past Friday, I can put my brain back into the fridge and chill some more. :)

Day 222: on following up (part 2)

We started off today with the Queen Mother this time. Her doctor wanted her to get some labs done; I believe it's primarily an annual test of her cholesterol levels. So I woke up a bit earlier than usual, assisted by my very hungry cats (who then completely snubbed their breakfast, go figure!) and had a quick shower before bundling the Queen Mother into her chariot, getting her in the car, and driving over to the Labcorp office.

The fact that both the main parking lot and the multi-level parking lot were both full should have been our clue. We went up to the second floor, orders in hand, and found a waiting room at full capacity. All told, it was an hour before the Queen Mother got her blood drawn...and this was a fasting lab, meaning she wasn't supposed to eat beforehand. Add the fact that she can't tolerate ANY air conditioning very well, and she was not a happy camper when we were finally finished.

She says she will "never" go have blood drawn again. I say she won't remember what happened in about a week. We'll see who is right in about a year or so.

By the time we returned home, and the Queen Mother was ready to eat breakfast, Himself and I had to go to tend to his appointments. It quickly became apparent that Himself wouldn't be able to make his eye appointment in anywhere near a timely fashion, so we will have to reschedule it again. Third time will hopefully be the charm!

So we made it down to Mission Valley and found a Starbucks that wasn't horribly crowded, and I was able to cash in some of my loyalty points to get a free Baja black bean burrito wrap. It's new and it's good, especially with a touch of the ranch dressing - though I'm not sure if it's worth the eight-and-a-half dollar price tag. (Yikes!)

There was a bit of Synchronicity for both of us while Himself sipped and I brunched: on one side, there was an interview being conducted for a medical appointment ride service. That brought Himself's ears up, as it might give him something to do once his heart issues are squared away. On the other side, there was an interview being conducted for a caregiving service, which brought MY ears up (hello, Respite Care!) Both of us grabbed the respective business cards; I will be in touch, at least on my end.

We wound up arriving for Himself's appointment with his primary care doctor a bit early - and we still wound up waiting an hour ourselves! It was worth it, though, as we had a long, thorough discussion with his doctor, both about his Cardiac Event and his new medication regimen. We will have a couple of his regular prescriptions to pick up on Monday when he starts his next round of appointments for that week.

Traffic wasn't too bad on the way home, and dinner was duly served when we arrived. Fortunately for me, 1) there aren't any other appointments to attend to for the rest of this week, and 2) there's a caregiver support group tomorrow, which I'm going to attend come rain or shine - and it's forecast to rain for six of the next seven days! It's not supposed to be a hard rain, but the question still remains: when did Southern CA change places with Southern OR?? (Really, rain at this time of the year is very unusual around here!)

Planning to kick back and rest for a few days, while the rain falls and the plants grow, and the nose runs, tickled by all of the pollen in the air... ;) 

Day 221: on a sudden stop

Himself managed to tackle his to-do list rather well. Me, not so much.

I figured things were going to go off track when I spent my time drinking my Chai Tea Latte, yet reading a long article about Generation-X, of which I'm a part. I did not realize Depression was going to pay a visit today and make moving forward super Heavy. I wound up napping quite a bit.

It's not just one reason I was depressed - I have my short list to rattle off - but my challenge is that I'm too tired to either beat back the stinking thinking, or refute it with Positive opposites. I'm worn out and burning out.

The mists parted from the summit of the mountain, for a brief moment, as Himself got a helpline number for the Board of Veterans Appeals. He called the helpline, and learned that progress on his case has been stalled. Apparently, his case manager at the law firm representing him has changed, so they informed the Board. When this happens, they have to Stop Everything, review the change, then they can Restart the process once the change passes muster. Hopefully this doesn't toss the case to the back of the line entirely, but still...a delay. (LE SIIIIIIIIGH)

Then I wonder why Depression paid a visit. That's me in a nutshell: Stalled.

Round two of appointments is tomorrow, so I will be too busy to throw myself a pity party. Action outside of myself is what I need to snap me out of my funk.

Day 220: on following up (part 1)

One week out from Himself's Cardiac Event, we returned to the VA Medical Center for Cardiology's "Discharge Clinic," where they checked him over to make sure he was doing okay post-Event-and-Stent. Some of our questions were answered there; others will have to wait a couple of days until he sees his Primary Care physician on Wednesday. The Weight Management class he was going to retake will have to be postponed until he is a bit more stable and has begun cardiac rehab. We did manage to reschedule his missed eye appointment (from last week) to this Wednesday, so things shuffle around a bit on the calendar. The last order of business before he left was to get some blood drawn for the necessary labs before Wednesday's appointment.

Traffic was not too bad going home, as we managed to beat the evening commute. I did some research into Himself's new medications when we got home, before dinner, and saw why some of his meds had been discontinued. I made some notes for Wednesday's appointment.

Tomorrow looks to be an "adminstrative day," with Himself playing on the computer, me supervising the Queen Mother as she showers, and another handful of phone calls to be made. Tomorrow is also going to be the nicest day of the week, so I will see if I can't sneak out for an hour or two to ambulate in the Sunshine and Fresh Air. Perhaps when I go get the cat food...

I continue to inch forward, even though mists have once again concealed the summit of the mountain, and we have no idea how close, or far, we are from reaching it. It has been just about a month since Himself's VA attorneys passed his case on to the Board of Veterans Appeals, and we are expecting word on a ruling any day now - but we don't know exactly when. So we're doing the only thing we can do: suit up and show up, and do what needs to be done. Thus is progress made, and sanity maintained. Sorta.

With that, I shall declare it a day and see if I can't catch up on a bit of sleep.

Day 219: on a day for mothers

Made our Sunday Support group today. Himself was in the spotlight, as he updated our friends on his Cardiac Adventure this past week. We will be going to the Cardiology department tomorrow, and I have a list of questions to ask them.

On the way back, we stopped at Trader Joes for some shopping, and to pick up a Mother's Day treat for the Queen Mother. We settled on a six-pack of chocolate mousse cakes with white and yellow icing. The Queen Mother will have them tonight for her dessert/last snack of the day. I also managed to get the trash out, so the weekend list is successfully completed.

This year I was pretty neutral for Mother's Day. What makes that remarkable: I had a miscarriage in 2015. The pregnancy was a surprise; the miscarriage, not so much. I had no idea what to FEEL on Mother's Day that year. With 2016 the year of Himself's cancer adventure, and 2017 the year that the Queen Mother's Dementia journey started, I really didn't have time to process anything.

Come 2018, and nothing else to occupy my attention, I fell apart on Mother's Day, and wound up doing a ton of processing. I came away with a greater sense of Inner Peace, something I had previously been missing. I wound up writing a letter to the child I knew for only a short period of time, and was able to let that go on some deeper levels. This year, I find myself still in that place of peace, for which I am grateful.

It will be an early night tonight, so let me end here and grab my to-do lists for this upcoming week.

Day 218: on taking a full breath

Today was the first day that I felt I could take that full breath and let go of the Drama of the week that has just past. I took care of the laundry and the dishes, but not the trash; it was a little too damp today to carry things out, due to our May rain. Still, two out of three aren't bad, and there's tomorrow for the removal of the trash.

Himself got a ride back up after his commitment today, so I didn't have to accompany him down to his meeting, but I chose to go. I felt I needed to socialize, for one, and I also took a much needed NAP this afternoon, for two. I got my needed socialization, along with some nice hugs. One can never have too much Vitamin H!

I made an exception to my rule of Unplugging for the weekend, again out of a need for Connection. I balanced it well with my huswifing and my napping.

Himself and I will be attending our Sunday support group tomorrow, and take advantage of a bit more Breathing Room before we launch into two (!) full weeks of appointments. Oh what fun!

Day 217: on wrapping up the week

Himself and I made some more phone calls today, both of us finding still more resources to investigate further in the coming days. I am also undergoing the process to get my Medi-Cal renewed, so I responded to a request that I found in the mail pile from the start of the week, and dropped off copies of the necessary paperwork today. 

Then Himself and I got into a disagreement as to the time of his chiropractic appointment, so I dropped him off at the chiropractor's office and headed home to get dinner ready for the Queen Mother. It turns out his calendar was the correct one. Good news was that there was no change necessary to the adjustments that he gets, due to his cardiac adventure this week.

Something I need to work on: taking the reins completely and making all of the decisions. Himself's mental faculties are still reasonably intact, and we originally agreed to make choices together As A Team. I need to give him his space and value his input, and not automatically assume that He's Wrong and I'm Right.

Something that is working: since I leaned in to the 16:8 Intermittent Fasting, I am not Emotionally Eating. That was one of my big character defects, and I am happy to say that it has all but vanished. I had some significant opportunities to "eat my emotions," this past week, but I have stayed reasonably healthy, and not resorted to midnight snacking or gone to my big Comfort Foods, namely macaroni and cheese. I have been briefly tempted, but the feelings have passed in time.

Focusing on chores tomorrow: laundry and dishes and trash, oh my! Then I'm going to take advantage of needing to pick up Himself (after his monthly commitment) to get out of the house and do some much needed socializing! Taking care of my needs as well...

Day 216: on giving myself a break

As we had no appointments, nor significant commitments, on the calendar for the next few days, I declared the immediate future to be a time of Resting and Slow Moving. Today my big accomplishment was going through the mail that had build up over the last few days.

Himself's big accomplishment was making some phone calls, mainly to family and close friends. He also took it easy. His energy was up and down throughout the day, but he has improved overall, feeling significantly better than he has felt over these past few days.

The cats were quite pleased to have me at home (for the most part) today, though Himself was happy to accompany me on a couple of errands that I had to run in the afternoon. It has been raining off and on this week - more like a heavy mist much of the time, with the most significant rain forecast for tomorrow and Saturday, so the cats have been inclined to stay inside a bit more than usual for this time of year. (Rain in May is something of a novelty in my neck of the woods.)

While writing in the Morning Pages today, I realized how Overwhelmed I was feeling. Both Himself and I are going to be investigating some avenues that might get us some extra help, because I definitely need it, at least for the short term. In the meantime, our weekly Friday night meetings are coming up, and Himself has a chiropractic appointment tomorrow. I will be going along to clarify if there are any changes that need to be taken into account with Himself's Cardiac Adventure.

The crisis has passed, and now we adjust to the New Normal. I won't get all saccharine and trite after this latest chapter, but I will advise this: Stay On Top of Your Health. That is our biggest and best asset to have as we navigate through Life.

Day 215: on adjusting

Most excellent news: Himself has returned home. He was discharged today. He brought with him a few new medications and some guidelines as to Life, Post Heart Attack. We are going to be doing the Medication Shuffle tonight, to see what he is keeping, what he is adding, and what he is removing.

He had been advised, both by the doctors and by close friends who have gone through their own cardiac adventures, to Take It Easy, especially for the immediate future. With his Sun and Mars in Sagittarius, this will be a challenge for him, but one he's going to need to take seriously.

Now that he is home, I have apparently given myself permission on a deep level to Feel My Tired Completely. I am very glad the next few days are agenda-free, as I have mail I need to sort through and a kitchen to tidy up. All of us are going to do some serious Resting.

With that, I think I will bring this entry to a close, and bid everyone a good night/day.

Day 214: on what happened next

The Reader's Digest version: yes, Himself had a heart attack, but it wasn't as serious as the cardiologists feared. He is now the proud owner of a swank new stent.

The slightly longer version:

The Queen Mother took her weekly-ish shower First Thing, before breakfast. We had breakfast together, then I showered. I was left a message that Himself went to the Cath Lab while I was breakfasting, so I didn't have to rush down to the hospital. I got a few essential things from Trader Joe's and put some gas in the tank - thank you Federal Tax Refund! Then I went down.

The two hour procedure had an extra hour added onto it, due to the insertion of said swank new stent. Himself then called me on my cell to let me know he was back in his room, so upstairs I went. He/we received a few visitors today. His blood pressure and heart rate are way better today than they were yesterday, so they finally fed him some dinner, and he was ready to eat it..

I came home to feed the Queen Mother (and myself) dinner, then went back down to spend a bit more time with him. Both of them want more time with me, which makes it a challenge to juggle mom time with husband time; so far, though, I say it's working. (They would individually grumble.)

Playing it by ear tomorrow, depending on what the cardiologists and Physical Therapy folks have to say. The latter group wants to make sure he will be steady enough on his feet. We will also see if he can make his eye appointment (which happens to be in a different department in the same facility) in the afternoon; either way, I will be driving him home.

I managed to get the mail from the mailbox this evening. All will abide until he gets home, whenever that happens to be.

Day 213: on a most unexpected turn

I'm typing this from the cafeteria at the VA Medical Center. Himself has been having significant pain in his thumb for the past few days, so today he finally chose to go to the ER. He also complained of an "odd feeling" around his sternum, so the doctors drew some blood and ran an EKG. Imagine our surprise when the docs said that "odd feeling" might be a heart attack!

He's going to be admitted today for an early morning angiogram tomorrow morning, and we'll go from there. Needless to say, this has shifted our plans quite a bit!

I'll let y'all know tomorrow what his situation is. Prayers in the meantime would be most appreciated.

Day 212: on feeling nurtured

Pardon me for another short post, but this one is from a Good Tired, of feeling full and supported, instead of feeling empty and alone.

I should be back up to speed tomorrow, and I intend to blog a little more in-depth then. Till the morrow, have a good day/night.

Day 211: on a quiet saturday

Feeling better now. Depression hit me hard yesterday and this morning - the fear that Nothing Is Going To Change, Ever, and the fact that I don't have that much in the Emotional Reserve tank to ward off the Stinking Thinking effectively at the moment.

I kept my promise to stay Unplugged, though, and worked on a mandala, and puttered around a little here and there. Eventually I cut myself free and bobbed back to the surface.

Did a bit of cooking as well: a can of lentil soup, a can of white beans, and a small can of corn, thrown together and heated up, then combined with rice and enjoyed with a mixed green and kale salad. Tasty stuff.

I will be celebrating Beltane with some of my sisters tomorrow after all. I secured a ride to my friend's house.

I must be close to the summit of the mountain, because the climb is steep and the air is thin. Slowly forward and upward I go...

Day 210: on a heavy friday

Feeling very Heavy this evening, a bunch of little things adding up to weigh me down.

I am Unplugging tomorrow, maybe even for the entire weekend. All I know is that I need an extended Respite, sooner rather than later.

Day 209: on a full thursday

Full day today, starting with a run to Trader Joe's and ending with Walmart. In between, Himself and I first went to Fry's Electronics, where we purchased the graphics card that *should* make the desktop functional again. We had asked them to hold onto one for us yesterday, just in case we returned today to find them sold out.

Next up was Himself's appointment at the VA Medical Center in La Jolla. While he played with stretch bands, I went to the Pharmacy and picked up some of his medications. I can do that with his ID card; they've seen me often enough there that they know I'm The Missus, or as Himself is wont to say, "The Boss."

As Himself is a Cancer Survivor, he's been feeling a wee bit paranoid about the burgeoning measles epidemic spreading around the country, and arranged to redo his MMR (Measles/Mumps/Rubella) vaccine today. There was a bit of unexpected excitement around that: another veteran came along asking for help, then next thing anyone knows, lost his balance and would have fallen if a couple of other men had not caught him and lowered him to the ground. I got a chance to see the Rapid Response team in action; they eventually got him in a wheelchair and took him to the ER on the first floor. Hopefully it wasn't anything serious.

Once we had all of his official medications in tow, we stopped off at a nearby dispensary and purchased his "unofficial" medication, CBD oil. This has been the key to ridding his digestive system of nasty little polyps, as per his most recent "coming and going" appointment in March. After that, it was time for the Monthly Treat: burritos from the Mexican restaurant two doors and a flight of steps down. I like the veggie burritos here because they add grilled mushrooms, and I've only had mushrooms at one other place - Anejo's has a chili and mushroom enchilada which is also Divine!

By the time we got home, it was 5:20, and there was no way I was going to be able to fix the Queen Mother's dinner, eat my dinner, and get to the Caregiver Support Group, so I cut the Group loose. Food will win Every Time. I rested a bit while Himself attended a meeting, and then came the aforementioned Walmart trip after he got back. We are good to go for another little while.

I am going to sleep very soundly tonight. Good thing tomorrow is an Unscheduled day. I have been composing "His & Hers To-Do Lists" to help both Himself and I to remember what needs to be done tomorrow. His has more calls and mine has more chores at the moment.

Looking forward to Unplugging for at least part of the weekend. :)

Day 208: on a moodling wednesday

"Moodling" is a concept introduced by Sarah Ben Breathnach, if you're at all familiar with her work. It's a combination of Meandering and Puttering, doing small activities  with no particular agenda. I have been saving my Moodling for Mondays, as the calendar has been open on those days, but as there's an exception to every rule, today was my designated Moodling day. It went okay.

I received a call from the DMV, which I had to put on speaker phone so that the Queen Mother could talk to them, with a little help from me. (They didn't want to speak with me directly; how rude!) Basically, they said their records only went back to 2009, even in Microfilm, as they only keep records for ten years. It doesn't look like they will be of any help to us. 

While a part of me wants to give up, another part is still looking for answers. One option is to swear out an affidavit of my own; another is to get a Doctor's Note to swear that mom has been disabled since before 2004. There may be other options out there; right now, I'm putting out my feelers. (Himself's philosophy of Keep Copies of All Pertinent Records Forever is looking more sensible by the day!) 

Himself and I also took a trip to Fry's Electronics in San Marcos to price video cards. We found a reasonably priced one today that we will attempt to pick up tomorrow, which means our computer might just be up and functional again by the weekend. That will make the Queen Mother very happy.

Tomorrow looks to be a busy day, with appointments to be kept and errrands to be run. Fortunately it's the only really busy day this week, which has been a nice change of pace. We have reached a bit of a plateau, and it feels nice to make progress this way to the summit of the mountain, instead of having to try to scale at a near-vertical incline!

I have a few clothes to put away yet, and the tucking of mom into bed. We'll see if we can actually get up a little earlier than usual to get things done.