On *100* Days of Blogging!

I'm pleasantly surprised that I've arrived at one hundred days of blogging. There have been days when I didn't want to sit and blog, and days when I didn't think I would to be able to squeeze a blog post in, but I have persevered through it all, and have typed out at least a handful of words for every day since I started. Yay me. :)

I'm also surprised that I still have actual readers of this blog, day in and day out. I don't think I intended it to be a faithful report of The Daily Grind, but I didn't want to sugarcoat my Caregiving journey. I didn't want to come in on a given day and say "All Is Well" when all actually and totally sucked huge moldy cheese balls. Having said that, I can only hope that my Odyssey thus far hasn't sounded like one huge and never-ending pity party.

Although I long suspected that I would wind up taking care of my mother in her dotage, I did not anticipate that my actual initiation into the World of Caregiving was going to be through my Husband's cancer experience, nor did I think I would have to "switch gears" from looking after Himself to looking after the Queen Mother so quickly. Whereas Caregiving for him was more like a sprint, especially in comparison, Caregiving for her is shaping up to be an epic Ultra-Marathon. My grandmother (my mom's mom) lived until she was 95; although no one expects the Queen Mother to live that long, that possibility IS on the table (and I would be 65 at that point). Only Goddess knows how much longer the Queen Mother will be extant on this side of the equation, and She hasn't given me any clues as to when mom will be shuffling off her mortal coil. (Both of us have asked, believe me!)

The Uncertainty has been one of my greatest challenges - on the one hand, I have been absolutely convinced that I am Not At All suited to be a Caregiver, and that I'm throwing the best years of my life away. On the other hand, I am certain that I can and will get through this, and that this will inform and deepen my life in ways I have yet to understand. Slowly I move more toward the latter view and away from the former view. I am definitely in this for the long haul. Now the question is, how do I navigate this: with a modicum of grace, or kicking and screaming the whole way through? Kicking and Screaming, I have found, has simply flooded my system with cortisol and sent me down the rabbit hole of Depression more times than I can count. I'm changing gears and trying out Grace for a while; so far, it's working a lot better. :)

I had planned on writing lovely lyrical philosophical things, and reports of marvelous miracles, when I started this blog. Those entries have been few and far between, but perhaps I needed to haul myself out of the muck of Despair first before I could be that clear channel of wonderful words. I wlll say that Blogging on the Daily has been a strong lifeline, along with my renewed commitment to my Morning Pages. I also believe there has been a change of tone from the first day until now. Perhaps it's been subtle, perhaps fleeting, but I do seem to be bouncing back a wee bit quicker from Life's curveballs so far in 2019. I can only hope the momentum continues forward.

As for this day itself - I talked myself into going to my usual Sunday Support Group, and was glad I did. There is a labyrinth being built at the church we meet at, and I will definitely be walking it when it's ready. I took a picture of it for my Daily Story on Messenger. After we were done, we made a quick stop at Wal-Mart, then arrived home in plenty of time for getting the Queen Mother's dinner ready. I ate the rest of my Mock Chili, along with a green salad, for my dinner. I also put some procrastination to bed as I gathered together the latest stack of papers and sorted everything out. The paper trail is never-ending, and at least half of it goes into recycling. I am pretty ready for the new week, though; I just need to look at my weekly to-do list out and update it.

Looking very much forward to starting a new week with a bit of enthusiasm to Get Stuff Done, and do some necessary legwork. With the first of several days' worth of rain starting tomorrow, it will be a very good day to "work from home," if you will. :) 

Day 27: on filling time

Today started out as an "empty" day, but filled up quickly.

Himself took the car to the Mazda dealership to get the final (cosmetic) repair done; while he was gone, I helped the Queen Mother with breakfast, then showered and washed my hair. These days, I manage to wash my hair once a week, twice a week if I'm lucky. I was eating my breakfast when Himself came home; he showered while I finished up. Then we were off to take care of some errands...

First was a trip to the VA Outpatient clinic in Mission Valley for some x-rays. Himself's right hip has been acting up significatly over the past few days, and his doctor wanted to get a better look. Then we went to the County Registrar of Voters so that he could get a replacement of the absentee ballot that he put in a place so secure, he forgot where he put it. Next was a trip to the Mankind Dispensary to get some more CBD oil, which he takes every night to keep the polyps away. (It turns out his colon cancer was caused in part from a genetic condition  that filled his gastro-intestinal system with hundreds, if not thousands, of polyps. The CBD oil has been shown to reduce, if not eliminate, these polyps - and so far, it's working!)

After grabbing a pair of burritos and weaving our way through traffic, we made a couple of quick stops before we got home, to pay the car and phone bills. I finally settled down to eat right around 5pm, so I knew that I wouldn't be making it to the caregiver support group tonight. No biggie, in part because we're going to be attending a seminar tomorrow by SCRC, about "the Economics of Caregiving." Hopefully we can get some inspiration from this!

Besides, Himself needed to finish up the demand letter for his Personal Injury case. When he was done, I sat down and cleaned up the grammar. He's going to have one other friend look it over tomorrow before he sends it off.

Tomorrow is going to be an early day, so I think I will stop here and say I am complete. :)

Day 26: on putting myself back together

It would be safe to say the day did not go as planned.

After my Morning Pages, but before breakfast, I checked my bank app to make sure some money Himself had deposited into my account had indeed arrived. Well, it had, but not before a check had bounced, one which I thought would go through today instead of yesterday, since I had not seen it Pending. But the cashing of the check had been attempted, it had failed, and "once again" I was dinged with an NSF fee. Sure, I can cover the check, but "once again," there are also other bills due, and "once again," I'm going to be all but broke before a week has passed. I could feel myself sliding down into Depression - but I chose to push forward.

I took a shower and got myself dressed. I advised Himself that I was ready to head out, and off we went. As we were getting ready to leave the main interstate highway for the state highway, Himself had to slam on the brakes because traffic ahead of us was coming to abrupt standstill; we later saw that a bus and a car had pulled to the side of the overpass connecting the two freeeways, and CHP was there as well.

Here's the thing: we didn't get into an accident, but I was looking down at the time; though we stopped, I felf myself moving forward, and all but saw/felt the airbag deploy. Here's the other thing: this was our second Near Miss in as many weeks.

So when we stopped at a Starbucks halfway between home and Questhaven, I was totally dialed in to Flight Mode, and I could NOT go forward in the day anymore. When I tried to talk myself out of it, I went into a full-blown Panic Attack instead.

I absolutely Do NOT break down and cry hysterically in public, unless I'm in the car. Inside the Starbucks, though, I came very close to losing it completely. At least I had the presence of mind to recognize my distress as a Panic Attack - maybe the second (or third?) time in my life I've experienced one. So we sat quietly for a time, Himself and I, attending to our respective beverages, until I had composed myself enough to walk out the door again.

Sometimes you push through. Sometimes you fall back. Sometimes you can figure out a compromise, and that's what I did...before we returned to the normal routines of the day, we paid a quick visit to Kit Carson Park, and the duck pond that I love so much. We managed a half an hour there in total. Today, an egret was paying a visit to the pond, viz:

Even though this wasn't the Big Outing in Nature I had promised myself, this small slice proved enough to soothe my jarred spirits for today. I have also rescheduled my Big Outing for next Wednesday, when the timing feels equally fortuitous, if not a bit more so. :)

I finished my business in the outside world with a bit of grocery shopping, grabbing some food & necessities while we had the cash to do so. I even treated myself to some cucumber sushi and seaweed salad for a late lunch. I have since eaten dinner and will soon be coloring one of my mandalas, gentle music playing via Pandora, and Pippa by my side. Thus I finish the process of Putting Myself Back Together, for today.

I am grateful for the flexibility to change my plans when the need arises. I am grateful we're okay and the car is okay. I am grateful for black tea with lemonade and healthy tasty things. I am grateful for the presence of the duck pond so close to home. I am grateful that tomorrow is a new day. I count my Blessings, and I am complete.

Day 23: on "going small"

I try to keep myself moving in a good direction by looking for the lesson in what unfolds before me, a task I usually find easier once I have moved through a rough patch than when I'm trying to slog my way through the middle of it. What has arisen from this vacation debacle is this: I need to stop putting all of my Expectations into ONE event that will "restore" me, and instead focus on creating for myself smaller opportunities during the week to release the dross of Caregiving - and Life in general - and find myself points of equilibrium.

I also need to keep in mind that I am a LOT more Sensitive to the energetic ebbs and flows of the world, both at home and at large, than I might have cared to admit. I need to build in for myself plenty of good downtime without allowing myself to get caught up in the special Inertia that Depression will swallow me whole in. Specifically, I need regular trips Out Into Nature, to listen to birdsong and wind whispering through trees, or the consistent, steady breathing flow of sea water as it eternally moves back and forth over the sand at the continent's edge. Nature is my spiritual tonic, the balm for my soul when Life's edges become a little too cutting.

I opened up the calendar on my phone earlier today and had a look at the near future. This coming Wednesday had nothing scheduled; it looked perfect for walking the labyrinth at one of my favorite retreat spots. The Wednesday after that has a Mindfulness Meditation day scheduled for the evening; why not Deepen the Juciness of that day with a park excursion beforehand? So there are two weekly sojourns taken care of right there, two I can commit to for improving my mental - and spiritual - health.

As for each "normal" day, I have an hour or two in the evenings when the Queen Mother is watching TV and Himself is either watching TV with her or is out taking care of his own business. It would not be difficult at all to put on gentle music and color in a mandala, or do some therapeutic writing, or even (gasp) read an actual book! I used to be a voracious reader, and I still do enjoy reading articles on my smartphone, but it's not the same as picking up a nice old-school BOOK and reading it cover to cover. There's something about the heft of a good-sized book, the smoothness of the paper under your hand, the smell of time and the bookbinding glue, that comforts a bibliophile like me...but I digress.

This feels like a good focus for the next month, this going small. I will report regularly upon my progress, along with the rest of the minutiae that make up this Odyssey.

By the way - we elected to sleep in this morning instead, rather than check off a list of activities. I appreciated the leisurely start to my day today, as I have plenty of opportunities to Rush In and Speed Ahead these days! Truly easing into the day might also be something to practice more often! ;)    

Day 20: on caring for the queen mother

In between the moments of waxing (melo)dramatic and changing our plans, there have been a pair of key appointments for the Queen Mother to meet...

As I mentioned previously, I took her to the dentist on Monday. Her dentures had become a concern, so we had found a dentist (who she likes) on her dental plan. We had previously agreed to get her a brand new set of dentures, and paid $400 for the lab expenses; the rest was taken care of by her combination Medicare/Medi-Cal insurance. The problem was, she said the new dentures made her mouth hurt, and she wouldn't wear them. (Insert exasperated eyeroll here.)

On the last visit prior to this one, they put a soft liner in the dentures, which helped; then on this most recent visit, the dentist sculpted the dentures with her handy Dremel tool until they finally fit! Now mom is wearing her new dentures relatively happily. We're going back next Tuesday to see if any other adjustments need to be made.

As for the other adventure this week...a few months ago, the Queen Mother's regular glasses were accidentally run over (!) after one of her other appointments. We fixed her glasses for the short term, then made her an eye appointment to see if her prescription had changed before getting the new glasses. She has cataracts in both eyes, but they're not debilitating yet; nevertheless, there was a small change to her prescription. We picked out nice new frames, paid for them and the lenses, and picked up the new glasses today. Unlike the new dentures, she took to her new glasses right away. 

Getting her to and from her appointments is often a process with several moving parts: there's moving the car, supporting mom as she exits the house, having her wheelchair ready to go (for walking outdoors, even with the support of canes or a walker, is no longer feasible for her), getting her in the wheelchair, wheeling her over to the car, helping her get out of the wheelchair and into the car, folding up the wheelchair and stowing it in the trunk, getting her canes into the car, and finally belting her in the seat (then securing my seat belt) before we can hit the road. When we get to the appointment, it's a matter of helping her out of the car and into the wheelhair. I then push the chair - which she calls her "chariot" - to the appropriate doctor's office, while Himself finds a decent parking spot and settles in to wait for us. The entire process then gets reversed when we're done with the appointment.

I mention this because I try to schedule only one appointment per week for the Queen Mother, as it is a labor-intensive process...and the uneven roads jostle her back, no matter how carefully we drive, so she's complaining almost nonstop about being in pain. This week, however, we wound up having two appointments - but since one of them was to get her new glasses, something she was very eager to get, she didn't complain as much as she could have, which made the trip easier for me as well.

Now if only I could convince her to get fitted for hearing aids - !