I'm also surprised that I still have actual readers of this blog, day in and day out. I don't think I intended it to be a faithful report of The Daily Grind, but I didn't want to sugarcoat my Caregiving journey. I didn't want to come in on a given day and say "All Is Well" when all actually and totally sucked huge moldy cheese balls. Having said that, I can only hope that my Odyssey thus far hasn't sounded like one huge and never-ending pity party.
Although I long suspected that I would wind up taking care of my mother in her dotage, I did not anticipate that my actual initiation into the World of Caregiving was going to be through my Husband's cancer experience, nor did I think I would have to "switch gears" from looking after Himself to looking after the Queen Mother so quickly. Whereas Caregiving for him was more like a sprint, especially in comparison, Caregiving for her is shaping up to be an epic Ultra-Marathon. My grandmother (my mom's mom) lived until she was 95; although no one expects the Queen Mother to live that long, that possibility IS on the table (and I would be 65 at that point). Only Goddess knows how much longer the Queen Mother will be extant on this side of the equation, and She hasn't given me any clues as to when mom will be shuffling off her mortal coil. (Both of us have asked, believe me!)
The Uncertainty has been one of my greatest challenges - on the one hand, I have been absolutely convinced that I am Not At All suited to be a Caregiver, and that I'm throwing the best years of my life away. On the other hand, I am certain that I can and will get through this, and that this will inform and deepen my life in ways I have yet to understand. Slowly I move more toward the latter view and away from the former view. I am definitely in this for the long haul. Now the question is, how do I navigate this: with a modicum of grace, or kicking and screaming the whole way through? Kicking and Screaming, I have found, has simply flooded my system with cortisol and sent me down the rabbit hole of Depression more times than I can count. I'm changing gears and trying out Grace for a while; so far, it's working a lot better. :)
I had planned on writing lovely lyrical philosophical things, and reports of marvelous miracles, when I started this blog. Those entries have been few and far between, but perhaps I needed to haul myself out of the muck of Despair first before I could be that clear channel of wonderful words. I wlll say that Blogging on the Daily has been a strong lifeline, along with my renewed commitment to my Morning Pages. I also believe there has been a change of tone from the first day until now. Perhaps it's been subtle, perhaps fleeting, but I do seem to be bouncing back a wee bit quicker from Life's curveballs so far in 2019. I can only hope the momentum continues forward.
As for this day itself - I talked myself into going to my usual Sunday Support Group, and was glad I did. There is a labyrinth being built at the church we meet at, and I will definitely be walking it when it's ready. I took a picture of it for my Daily Story on Messenger. After we were done, we made a quick stop at Wal-Mart, then arrived home in plenty of time for getting the Queen Mother's dinner ready. I ate the rest of my Mock Chili, along with a green salad, for my dinner. I also put some procrastination to bed as I gathered together the latest stack of papers and sorted everything out. The paper trail is never-ending, and at least half of it goes into recycling. I am pretty ready for the new week, though; I just need to look at my weekly to-do list out and update it.
Looking very much forward to starting a new week with a bit of enthusiasm to Get Stuff Done, and do some necessary legwork. With the first of several days' worth of rain starting tomorrow, it will be a very good day to "work from home," if you will. :)
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