Day 107: on being in a rebuilding phase

We are a bit more than halfway through the new year, and I feel like I'm in a Rebuilding phase. I have let go of a lot of stuff from the past few years, and a lot has been sandblasted off of me over the past few years. I feel rather empty, yet cleaned up and ready to be refilled. My question is, with what?

One of the reasons I composed a "100 Things " list was to mine my previous dreams and goals for clues as to what remains within me, now that the Dumpster Fire has all but burned out. I found a little girl who still wants to create, but perhaps not in ways she previously has. I found the Priestess, a bit banged up and bruised, perhaps, but she still carries Magick within her spirit. I found a woman who wants to travel with her husband and have new adventures. I found a social butterfly, her wings pumping to get some life back into them, after staying folded for a long time. I found these aspects of myself that I was afraid I had lost.

My challenge is to navigate the rebuilding in situ, while life continues to unfold around me. Just because this Dumpster Fire is out doesn't mean there aren't hot spots buried deep in the rubble, or that other dumpsters won't catch fire on their own accord. 

Case in Point: I received letters from the County of San Diego office yesterday. According to them, all of the answers I have gathered are now moot, because the questions have been changed. There are three different options for the Queen Mother now, and her Social Security paymet looks like it's too much for all of them. My initial reaction on seeing these letters was, What the Actual Fuck! (pardon my Swahili) 

My new bestie the Pragmatist chimed in as I began to eye the familiar rabbit holes: "Look, call AARP, get a quote from them, take the quote to the county and see what that number will get us. We can move forward from there." Sensible plan. Now I want to go to the hearing, if for no other reason than to get someone there to sit down and explain what is going on in Plain English. My working hypothesis is that they are rolling out April's new Federal Poverty guidelines now, to minimize the hot mess that is gaining momentum in DC and theatening to spill over even more into the other states. So we shall see what happens this week.

Despite all of this, my initial impulse this time is not to isolate, but to reach out, reconnect, sympathize in some areas, but also to return to communities beyond mere support groups. I've done the surviving part; more and more, I want to return to a place of Thriving again. For the first part of this year, I will need to limit myself to "free" activities, especially if I come up with a solution to the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal that everyone can live with. The second part of the year looks much brighter, at least in this moment, and I am happy to go with that.

I'm going to see if I can work up some old-fashioned momentum and get as much done as I can, on a holiday that some folks don't really want to celebrate. It may be hit and miss tomorrow, but if nothing else, my ducks should all be in a row come Tuesday, when business will be back to usual. Pray that I find that magic number!