yup, still here ;)

I see it's been about a week, so I thought I would take advantage of the relative
quiet here and check in.

I had planned to write sooner, but I had another a visit from my "bestie," Depression. She stopped by after I had to cancel my planned therapy appointment because I did some math, and realized I needed to get cat food more than I needed to get my head shrunk. Of course, to my Very Little One, that represented yet another Broken Promise that I could not keep for myself.

I was recovering from that when I got waylaid by some sort of sinus issue. Cold or Infection, I'm not sure, but I felt like crap, had to force myself to eat, and spent more time asleep than awake. These are my signs that I'm really and truly sick, and when I added that to my Depression, oh was that loads of fun! Do not wake me until at least 2025, please! I did start feeling better yesterday with the clearing of the brain fog out of my head. Today, however, my lower back began protesting, so I've continued to keep my activity level low key.

It was not hard to stay chill. actually, as the skies opened up this afternoon and the rain came down with a vengeance for Southern California. Hello, Winter Storms of 2019! We're supposed to get more rain tomorrow, then have it taper off on Thursday, leading to seventy-degree temps for the weekend and beyond. I joke that I took a "second shower" when I went out with Himself to grab the yogurt he forgot to get yesterday. I splurged a little and got myself an Eggnog Greek Yogurt. Some folks go crazy for Pumpkin Spice. My holiday turn-on is all things Eggnog (the "unleaded" version, of course.)

Oh yes, we finally got the anticipated authorization for the Queen Mother's CT scan as well. I had the appointment set up for her, but had to cancel it due to the Creeping Crud. If I can play my cards right, I can get her bloodwork done in the same building prior to the CT scan, so I'm going to give that a shot. She seems to have improved physically, but is now having trouble telling time on a regular clock. I have resisted going totally digital, but might not have a choice any longer.

Though the first part of the week was trashed, I'm looking forward to some fun things in the second half of the week. Hopefully I can get myself back into at least a semblance of balance in the next few days, as I have not been a happy camper as of late...

missing the daily posting, sort of

Confession time: yes, a part of me misses the daily posting on the blog here. A bigger part of me was preoccupied with my Moontime these last few days, so that part was glad not to post, because I wasn't sure if I would have any words to bring to the table. My rational mind goes fuzzy while I bleed, and I disconnect from the outside world. Once the heaviest of the bleeding has passed, though, I feel myself starting to "ascend" from the depths of my mind and I begin to reconnect with the world and start using words again.

I finally managed to schedule the Queen Mother's Prolia injection for her osteoporosis, which will take place next Monday. We are still waiting for the authorization for her CT scan; we plan to take care of her bloodwork on the same day. She is doing better physically - not as many naps, and she seems to be not so loopy and grumpy - but she has slipped a little more mentally, finding it more difficult to get the words to express herself from mind to mouth. I'm wondering if asking for a urinalysis to look for a UTI might not be a bad idea, since that seems to plague folks the Queen Mother's age (and older) a lot.

Himself has a big week coming up this week. He has a PET scan tomorrow, to track an "odd nodule" somewhere in his intestines and see if it's glowing more, or less. He will also be getting some blood drawn for labs prior to the PET scan. Then we visit the oncologist on Thursday to hear the results of this latest round of tests and see if he's still in remission. I'm betting he will be. Friday brings us a follow up with the weight control people, where he will be updating them on his progress. In the meantime, the Alano Club (where he's the Secretary of the Board of Directors) is keeping him plenty busy. He's had to "imitate a morning person" for the past few days, and he doesn't do as good of a job as I do. ;)

A little something interesting: when Himself and I first got together, I got to the point where I didn't want to do Everything Together because I didn't want to cultivate any codependency. Now that he has been away more than he's been at home as of late, I find myself both missing him, and also wondering where that Independent Streak of mine went! Things at the Club should start slowing down now, with a bit more stability being introduced, so perhaps I'll get my husband back.

I'm also going to enroll in a program that the Southern Caregiver Resource Center is offering, where we pay half of the going rate for an Agency-supplied caregiver, and SCRC will pay the other half. I've narrowed it down to two agencies, and I have a few questions I need answered before I make my selection, the most important being whether or not we can get someone who likes cats! I'm thinking I will need to get another bags of bribes - I mean, treats - in order for the caregiver to win the cats over. One big step in getting ready to go to Seattle!

Thus and so, what has been going on for me over the past few days, and what is to come.

Day 360: on inktober and *feeling* my pluto

As I come into the home stretch of one project, I am starting a new one with Inktober. It's doing a drawing a day, ostensibly to sharpen one's drawing skills, but also to have some fun. I'm going to be sharing my "daily doodles" on Instagram, but I'll put the first one here as well...

Here's a wee story as to why I'm participating this year:
I consider myself a strong writer; my storytelling is mainly through my words. I have become pretty good with the art of collage. Photography is also something I work with rather well, when I put my mind to it. Drawing I have considered a "weaker" mode of creative self-expression, because my "realistic" drawing skills are not that good. Back in junior high and high school, I took the odd art class and tried very hard, but found myself being lapped by other students who were way more talented at drawing a shoe, a cat, a tree, and making them look really good.

However, as the years have passed, I've had a significant a-ha moment: though my shoe, cat, or tree might never approach photo-quality realism, I CAN draw a "cartoon" shoe, cat, or tree, and it looks halfway decent. My goal for Inktober is to exercise my doodling muscles, and see what happens from there. My plan is to draw something at random (though I already have some ideas in mind), and maybe go off a prompt now and then from the website, or maybe not.

I almost didn't start Inktober today because I felt so radically sick to my stomach earlier. Today had some good moments, but it was definitely an Out of Sorts day, the first one I've had since our financial windfall in August. I was feeling the Heavies pretty much from the time I woke up this morning. Part of it was feeling tired from not getting as much sleep as I optimally need for the past couple of nights; part of it was anxiety from having to leave the Queen Mother when she wasn't feeling very well (in her words). It's not the easiest, providing care and support for two people, even if one of them is striving to be as independent as he can.

A lot of other folks have been, or will be, feeling Super Heavy feels as Pluto stations direct in a few days. Pluto was the Lord of the Underworld in Roman Mythology, and this planet/oid stationing direct always tends to bring Dark Material from the Shadow Realm up to the surface of awareness to be examined and worked with/through. So no, you and I and she and he are not alone in this.

Back to today: our "quick trip" to the VA Medical Center turned out not to be quite as quick as we had intended. Yes, Himself got his port flushed, but we also picked up a prescription for his newest statin to try. He also stopped by the Gastro-Intestinal department to see about his next "coming and going" appointment, only to find out the combination Endoscopy and Flexible Sigmoidoscopy procedures had been put On Hold by the Cardiologists until he was off the medications he had been put on post-receipt of his stent, which was last May. Well then! No more GoLytely until next May! (oh gee, what a pity.) He also got his annual flu shot before we departed.

Once finished, we went to a nearby deli to grab some sandwiches, and the veggie wrap that I purchased had avocado on it. The avocado, I believe, is what did me in physically. I am one of those unfortunate people who gets wicked stomach cramps whenever I eat it, though they had subsided to nothing over the past ten years. Now, my body chemistry appears to have changed again, and I'm back to not being able to digest avocado properly. All things considered, though, I don't feel it's a big loss.

We ate lunch at the beach, saving Tashlich for another day, then did our necessary grocery shopping - those cats have to eat every day, ya know. I laid down when we got home, got up to fix mom dinner, then laid down again and eventually had an extended nap. I fixed myself a salad after waking up and feel much better now. :)

Himself is making noises once again about resuming his cardiac rehab workouts, so we will see how tomorrow unfolds. I can guarantee another drawing for Inktober, but that's about it.

Day 356: on a non-frentic friday

Today was dry and cooler, and another slow, easy day. I took pictures of the cats and posted them on Instagram. I tried some maple bread from Trader Joe's with peanut butter for breakfast and found it to be a tasty combo. I got my hair washed for the first time in nearly a week - always a significant accomplishment when five-minute showers are the norm. I snuck a dinner date out with Himself, eating cheap burritos. We went out to the synagogue afterwards, for Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) is just around the corner. On the way back home, we indulged in some ice cream from Baskin Robbins, and even brought a scoop home for the Queen Mother.

Speaking of mom...she was better today, for the first time this week. She still had her mid-day nap, but wasn't out for as long. She says she was "over" getting on the computer for the daily emailing she does with her bestie, but I think she is covering for the fact she might not remember how to get on the computer and what to do when she is on. I have found a website where I can construct a "personal website" for her and update family and friends on her behalf; it might be time to visit that site. As for the tests, she has decided to wait until we get the authorization letter (from her insurance) for her CT scan, then will go get bloodwork when I schedule the procedure with whichever radiology department she's referred to.

As for my other "patient," the GI folks at the VA managed to get a hold of Himself; he has rescheduled his combination endoscopy + flex sigmoid appointment for mid- December. He also rescheduled his next visit to get his port flushed so that it stays free of infections. He elected to keep the port that was inserted in him for his chemotherapy, mainly because nurses have had difficulty accessing the veins in his arms, not to mention the fact that he has a significant aversion to needles. It has proven very handy in the years following his chemotherapy infusions, but he needs to visit the VA Medical Center to get it flushed with Heparin once a month. If there's a need to draw blood for labs, the nurses draw the blood first, then do the flushing. So far, this has worked out quite nicely.

I'm intending on doing a bit of cleaning up tomorrow morning, then going down with Himself to the Alano Club, followed by joining him at the regular Saturday night meeting he attends, as he has the all-important duty of Coffee-Maker for this meeting. Of course, this will depend upon how decent the Queen Mother is feeling that day. Although it would be nice if she started to feel better during the day, I'm not exactly holding my breath. For a long time, I said her mind was declining faster than her body; now her body might be playing some catch-up. I'm just taking life one day at a time right now... 

Day 354: on shifting focus

The Queen Mother might say she's a bit better, but she is still mid-episode with her gallstones. She took another nap mid-day, waited a while before having me get her dinner ready, yet seemed to perk up a little at night so she can watch her programs. Although she said it was all right for me to go work out with Himself today, I don't feel right leaving her alone for long periods of time, especially when she's like this, so I stayed home.

Himself wound up not working out today. Yesterday was a long day for him, and he didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Besides being tired, his sinuses were acting up on him, so he didn't get moving until late. He had a combination endoscopy/sigmoidoscopy on Friday, but he needs to reschedule it because of some of the heart medications he is on, and we need better instructions as to how to proceed. He will be calling to reschedule tomorrow, and will see if he can't get a fresh appointment before his next oncology appointment mid-October. Personally, I'm not holding my breath.

Speaking of appointments, when I called Rite-Aid to schedule the Queen Mother's Prolia injection, not only did they not have it on record, but they said the woman who called me did not work at their Pharmacy! A follow up call to Dr. M's office revealed that we are going to a totally different pharmacy, so I looked them up on Google and left a message on their voicemail. I never got a call back today, so I will try again tomorrow before I do laundry.

I did manage to review my to-do lists today, shift a few things around, prioritize some other things, and set myself some reminders for tomorrow and early next week. I'm easing my way back into the "administrative" parts of my life, slowly, for I acknowledge I'm still burnt out in many aspects of my mind and my life, and this is one of them.

Besides laundry, I'm not sure what will unfold tomorrow, but that's okay. It feels like I'm entering the Next Phase of this Odyssey, and my main task will be to restore Balance in my life - perfectly appropriate for Libra Season. :)

Day 348: on (pleasant) surprises

The Queen Mother's doctor's appointment was today, and she brought her list along. We were actually early for once, but didn't have to wait long. We updated Dr. M. with how she is doing, and the medications she was, and was not, taking. Then she shared her main concern about her memory, and how words were failing her. The worst part about her dementia is that she knows she is losing her mind, so to speak, and can't really do anything about it. :-(

Dr. M. asked her some questions based on the memory test he had at the office. Her long term memory was decent, but her short-term memory was shot. Finally, he saw what I have been seeing for a while! She now has an order in for bloodwork (which we will take care of Monday morning) and they are going to ask for an authorization for a CT scan from her insurance. Although there wasn't anything untoward in her brain two-ish years ago, that might have changed by now. We will have a better idea of what is going on after the CT scan.

While I was with the Queen Mother, Himself went and got a new bus pass, and loaded it up. This way, once mom was safely home, all I had to do was drop him off at our nearby transit stop, and he could take the Express Bus down to San Diego to get to his business meeting at the Alano Club this evening. This allowed me to keep the car and have dinner with the Queen Mother before driving down to my Caregiver Support Group. I was pleasantly surprised and so happy to be able to make it back, at last...and boy did I need it after today!

Once I was done, I drove down to San Diego to pick Himself up, have a bit of a supper with him, and then return home. His bus pass will come in handy for both of us, I am sure!

Tomorrow morning he will be leaving early to open up the Alano Club and "work" his shift behind the coffee bar. We are still considering our options for tomorrow evening: meetings or Selichot services at the synagogue? To Be Determined...

Day 341-ish: speaking of oopsies...

I didn't even realize I had not blogged yesterday until right before I went to bed! I thought briefly about turning my tablet back on and dashing off something quick, but I let it go and promised myself that I would pick up where I left off tomorrow, and here I am.

I might have been a bit perturbed for about thirty seconds, but I realized pretty quickly that it was actually a reflection on how good my Self-Care had been yesterday: keeping my exposure to ALL media at a minimum, as I am in a rebuilding and recentering process right now, and I really didn't have the bandwidth to witness any explorations of Collective Grieving and Angst at this time. Next year, I will share my story, because I do have one. If you live in the US, for sure you have one, and I saw one or two of them briefly today.

Though I was pretty well offline yesterday, I was not totally sequestered at home. I accompanied Himself to the VA Medical Center in La Jolla for his Neurology follow up appointment, which came at the perfect time, so we could discuss what was going on with his leg with the new resident. After some Q & A and evaluation, our current working hypothesis is that his leg issue doesn't have anything to do with his cholesterol medication at all, but is instead a pinched nerve that starts just below his abdomen and moves down into his thigh. That would explain 1) why he had cramping in just one leg and not the other one, as well as 2) the "Mystery Pain" he had earlier this year. He has a short-term solution (a new medication and an injection into his nerve to dampen down the signals) that will help him work on his long-term solution of Exercise to drop his weight and create some new blood vessels in his leg.

The Queen Mother has also been keeping me on my toes. Besides having another gallstone episode today, she has been complaining about the arrangements of the cushions and pillows on the couch. If you are familiar with the story of "The Princess and the Pea," you have an idea of what I'm talking about. The only difference is that the "pea" is her nerves that express constant discontent in sitting still on the sofa, and one group of nerves or another fires off - and she still strives to find the Perfect Arrangement of Soft Things that will shut them up, if only for a few hours at a time. At least she seems to be letting go of the cats being "imprisoned" indoors, at last!

I had one set of plans for today, and Himself had another set of plans. He fulfilled his, while I stayed home to watch after the Queen Mother (due to the gallstone episode I mentioned above). I move my plans to Saturday, and wait to see if I will actually get to them. Tomorrow looks to be a bit of a busy day, but I'm not 100% sure about that. It will depend on the Queen Mother's health.

I will be picking up where I left off, and look forward to completing the challenge of this Daily Blogging next month. :)

Day 313: on needing more stepping

First, the Important Development: Himself had a vascular study done on his legs today, and it was confirmed that he DOES have something wonky in his right leg; a partially clogged femoral artery, in fact. I knew something was amiss when I looked at the monitor and saw the blood pressure in the right leg was much lower than it was in the left leg, the irony of that being that it was his left leg that was rather crunched in a bicycle accident in 2008 (he lost an argument with a car). There are surgical options, but he was advised that surgery was really not necessary at this moment. The best thing he could do was more walking, in fact, so we're going to figure out what the best way to accomplish this would be.

We got to the VA Medical Center an hour after we initially expected to, because we needed to fit in a shower for the Queen Mother. Her big appointment is tomorrow, where we sit down and go over ALL of her test results, and figure out what, if anything, we need to do next. We got most everything checked off at the VA today, save for a question about how best to treat Himself's weather-impacted sinuses with his heart issues. The Cardiac receptionist was not exactly cooperative, so Himself sent them a message directly. For the record, he will also be seeing his Primary doctor next week.

The other big thing today was my attitude: I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, hit the reset button a few times, but always seemed to circle back to the growly-snappy state - and for the record, yes, the full moon is tomorrow. To bypass a bunch of whining and complaining: I realized I'm (once again) feeling "stuck and powerless," unable to move forward while I lack any sort of discretionary income to help me unstick myself. Back to the first steps again, I suppose...

After the Queen Mother's appointment tomorrow, I am intending to work out with Himself and take in a caregiver support group. Goddess grant me these things!  

Day 308: on a firmer friday

Even though I set the wrong alarm to get up this morning, the Queen Mother served as an excellent alarm clock, and we got her to her Bone Density appointment on time. There was some paperwork I had to (help her) fill out, and a couple of items had to be guessed at, because she could not remember the dates and I was not yet present in this lifetime to know the answer.

The biggest challenge was getting her up on the table for the examination. The tech was very helpful, but stepstools and beds down as far as they can go are still not "mother-sized." Not only is she more petite than the average bear, but the havoc wreaked on her knees and ankles by the osteoarthritis, the rickets, and so forth, make it more and more difficult for her to get up onto the stepstool-then-table and back down again. The time may come in the near future when she has to be lifted up and down; at any rate, today we managed and came home fairly quickly afterward. We will be discussing all of the tests with Dr. M. next week.

Once back home, later meals and extended naps became the order of the day. She was rather wiped out from her medical "adventure" out of the house, and I was happy to nap as well. After a few hours, I went to Rite Aid to get some glucosamine for her joints (and got a sweet deal: buy one get one for $1. Yes please!), a refill of our large water jug, and a quick trip to Trader Joe's for some ice cream, which I forgot yesterday. While out, I also ducked in to our local grocer for some fresh white vinegar.

This week we have been having some ant challenges, as they found the contents of the trash can particularly tasty. I was able to pull myself together enough to see what I could use for a non-toxic repellent - and white vinegar, in a 50/50 mix with water, fit the bill. I had to get some new vinegar to replace what we had to throw out after our "Fumigation Staycation" a couple of months ago. I got an unused spray bottle, mixed the water and vinegar, and went to town. So far so good. I also went out into our patio and cleaned up the mess I had made getting all of the ants out of our house. Not only do I have an ant repellent, the mix works well in cleaning countertops too! Bonus round. :)

The Queen Mother is fine right now; she's watching an episode of the rebooted Magnum PI at this moment. For the most part, I had a better today than I did yesterday, with just one gnarly Heavy episode that dissipated on its own. As tomorrow is going to be a stay-at-home venture, I'm looking forward to a bit of huswifery and a homemade egg sandwich for breakfast, along with some more Self-Care.

Day 299: on establishing a theme

The theme of this week seems to be Flexibility.

Himself's money was deposited in his account today, so after his eye appointment, we were going to pay some bills and do an in-depth grocery run. The Universe, apparently, had other ideas: while we were having lunch, a call went out from the Alano Club (where Himself is still an active member) for someone to cover the evening shift tonight. Himself was the only person free to do that, so I needed to drive him down, because his pupils were still rather dilated from his exam. It reminded me of having the on-call pager at the answering service, back in the day: if you had it, and it went off, you either had to find someone who could cover the shift or you would have to go in yourself. No one liked having the pager for their assigned week.

For the record, everything in his eyeballs is relatively stable at this point. He does have the beginnings of cataracts, but at this time it's no biggie. We both managed to score some decent "free sunglasses," though I can't read anything when I'm wearing mine.

At any rate, I wasn't able to use our transponder to take advantage of the carpool lanes on the 15, because only carpoolers were able to use the lanes for the Northbound "evening" commute. I wasn't too delayed in getting home, but I did need to get the Queen Mother's dinner ready right after I walked in the door. She informed me that our next door neighbors dropped off a whole Rotisserie chicken for us while we were out. I was floored; the carnivores of the family would eat well tonight, and tomorrow too.

Personally, I'm in my tenth year of vegetarianism, and easing my way back into veganism. It works for me.

I picked himself up a little while ago, and he stopped into Target to get some water. He also got me a bit of dark chocolate as a token of sympathy for my challenging commute home. I appreciated it very much.

Hopefully the flux of the week will settle down a bit tomorrow. Good news, Mercury has stationed direct. Woohoo! Now I will dip my toe back into social media and catch up with the latest foster kittens! Human babies don't do a whole lot for me, but I swear some of those super cute kitten videos have made me ovulate! ;)

Day 285: on resettting

The cats woke me up before the alarm went off, as their bellies were wanting to be filled with breakfast. I turned on my phone after I fed them, and there was a message from Dr. M's office: today was good to go with a 10:15am appointment for the Queen Mother's ultrasound. Even when I gave her a head's up at 8:30, we barely managed to make it there on time.

The ultrasound went off without too much of a hitch. The biggest challenge was in getting the Queen Mother up on and down from the bed, but the tech and I managed that quite well. I'm neither a doctor nor a tech, so I have no real idea of what I was looking at on the screen, but my intuition was telling me something was not quite right. The tech said she couldn't give us any indications one way or another, but she said the radiologist would look at all the pretty gray pictures later on.

After we were done in Radiology, we went back up to Labcorp to get the additional blood drawn for testing. The good news, we waited only half an hour this time, and the Queen Mother passed much of the time in conversation with one of the other patients. The bad news: I didn't know until I looked in her purse that she had removed her wallet with her ID cards in it, so I didn't have any identification for her. Forturnately, between giving the receptionist her birthdate and the fact that we had visited there the week before, they were able to pull up her records and Dr. M's orders. The blood was drawn and we returned home.

After I got mom's breakfast together, I had some cheese and nuts for a lunchtime snack, then pretty well crashed. I had faced enough and my brain insisted upon a nap. So while Himself went to his next Cardiac session, I joined the Queen Mother and the cats in an extended siesta. Saturday's plans unfolded, in part, today, and I did not object.

Tomorrow Himself has a couple of appointments, including the all important Oncology Follow Up, at the VA Medical Center, so I will be getting up early-ish once more. There will be a caregiver support group in the afternoon, which I will try very hard to make. I am definitely needing a check in with my peeps!

Day 281: on sliding in sideways

First, let me backtrack to yesterday...

It was time for Himself's quarterly blood draw and CT scan with contrast, to make sure the cancer is still in remission. I should have guessed it was going to be a wild day when I saw Northbound I-15 was closed due to a gnarly traffic accident; it was later revealed that someone had been on the freeway and hit by several cars (!!) I don't know the latest details, but traffic northbound, as of about 8am yesterday morning, was. not. moving. Fortunately we were going southbound, but we were still delayed because 1) of looky-loo syndrome 2) during the Friday morning commute.

Anyway, we got to the VA at 8:45am. Himself went up and got his port accessed and the blood drawn, and set up for the iodine injection. We got down to Radiology at 9:10am and didn't think there would be an issue. He didn't get scanned until nearly 11am, partly because the Radiology folks were waiting on the lab results, and partly because one of the machines went down and had to be fixed / coaxed back to life. Fortunately, I had brought along a protein bar with my mandala book, so I wasn't completely starving, but I definitely appreciated lunch: personal veggie pizza with a kale salad. A little naughty, a little nice. ;)

After that, we went back up to get the tubing removed and the port sterilized for another month or so, then back down to the Pharmacy. They, too, were busy, as we had a bit of a wait until they called Himself's number. He filed his Travel reimbursement request for the previous month's Cardiac Rehab sessions while we waited. I suppose it was worth it, as they didn't just refill the one prescription he needed, they gave him a kit-and-caboodle's worth of meds! That I will sort out later. By the time all was said and done, it was about 1:40pm when we finally left the VA and made our way just a bit north to Scripps La Jolla. I had just about finished coloring in the mandala I had been working upon. I finished it today and posted it to my Messenger Stories, if you're interested.

We had thought we were going to arrive at the Rehab session earlier than usual; instead, we were a bit later than usual. Our workout wound up being about half the length it's usually been, though, because Himself's leg was acting up. He is going to have someone take a look at his leg to make sure there isn't a blood clot involved. We got out at about 3:35pm, but between a delay in getting out of the parking lot and wending our way home through Friday Evening Commute traffic, we didn't get home until about 5:15. I still had dinner to get ready for the Queen Mother and myself before we left for our weekly meetings! At least we got to them in a timely manner. We got home about 10pm, and I was too wiped to do any significant thinking or writing, hence yesterday's brief post.

Today I had a conference call at 10am, which I managed to wake up in time for. Unlike previous calls, there was a LOT of drama that unfolded. By the time we finally wrapped up business at 1:45 this afternoon (we normally finish by 12!), I was hungry and angry - not a good combination. I started crying and I could. not. stop. I suspect it really wasn't the drama of the call, but more the fact that this has been a very trying week for me, and I took the "opportunity" to have the good cry that I've been needing to have for a while. I needed some eyedrops afterwards to soothe my eyeballs. I also got around to eating, finally.

Before I wrote this blog, I thought I had found a video to watch about hammerhead sharks (one of my favorite things, because I'm weird), but the buffering on the tablet was even worse than the buffering on my phone, which was bad enough! Once again, Mercury Retrograde can kiss my arse, thank you very little!

Tomorrow I have been invited to volunteer at Pride at the Recovery Village. I'm not sure if I'm going. I've been before, and had a blast, but this year I'm concerned about the Queen Mother, and there's a part of me that would rather stay home and do some work on the computer. I'm still thinking about it, and will let y'all know what I choose to do tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm going to use more eyedrops.

Day 279: on feeling flabbergasted

I end this day flabbergasted and at a bit of a loss for ideas...

The day started with a call from Dr. M's office: the Queen Mother's liver results were abnormal. He wants to do further bloodwork and get the ultrasound done sooner than early August. Checking with Radiology, there was an appointment tomorrow, but it was at the same time as Himself's quarterly CT scan, so that wasn't going to work. I left that situation with them looking either for another "stat" Radiology opening or another place that they can refer us out to. 

On a deep level, I realize I have been waiting for "the other shoe to drop." Himself had his heart attack a couple of months ago, and I've wondered when it would be the Queen Mother's "turn." This might be it. Whatever happens, I'll handle it like I've handled everything else so far.

I made my phone calls but wound up playing a bit of phone tag with them. If I get home too late tomorrow, I'll simply try again on Tuesday. I did reach someone at the Consumer Center, which helps out with Medi-Cal challenges. After explaining my situation, I was informed that it was actually Social Security who needed to certify the Queen Mother as disabled! She might have been certified as a teenager (with all of her surgeries on her legs), but that would have been way back in the late 50's / early 60's. Let's just say I'm not holding my breath in finding any records for her from that long ago! I could still continue with my current plan of gathering key documents, but it's a much longer shot for her to get approved without Social Security's previous seal of approval. 

The other option is to go back and see if I can add any sort of "supplemental" insurance that would basically be equivalent to the Queen Mother's Medicare Part B payment. THAT is what is messing us up: if Social Security deducts it, the Queen Mother is just under the Poverty Line; if the state pays it, she goes back over the Poverty Line by that exact amount.

Although I'm not sure of my next move, I know it would be incredibly foolish to cancel the Medicare Part B membership, because that covers (basically) everything outside the hospital and a few things in the hospital. Beyond that, though, I'm clueless in this moment. 

I know that tomorrow is Himself's turn, as (I mentioned earlier) it's time for his quarterly CT scan, preceding his quarterly Oncology follow up appointment next week. So my plan right now is to take the weekend to have a good think over everything, then take the next indicated step, whatever that might be. 

Nobody said this would be easy, but it would have been nice if I had been given warning about how Challenging this would be! 

Day 277: on staying atop the waves

This morning, instead of doing the Morning Pages, I played a game called "Sorting Through the Queen Mother's Medical Records." In this second run-through, I actually found a handful of records from 2002-2003, so I took these with me to her appointment.

I was very proud of her when she spoke up and said directly to Dr. M. that she was experiencing nausea; I chimed in and said that her "episodes" were becoming more frequent and more intense. When Dr. M. pressed upon the left side of her abdomen, she admitted to feeling some pain. He then wanted her to get some blood drawn for labs and for us to schedule an ultrasound for her stomach and liver. We went around the corner to visit the "vampires" of Labcorp; fortunately, the Queen Mother tolerated their air conditioning better this time around, partly because we weren't stuck there for an hour! Once her blood had been drawn, we went down to Radiology to schedule her ultrasound. Dr. M. also wanted a Bone Density test next month; I lucked out and managed to schedule both appointments on the same day. In the meantime, she was given an antinausea medication to take as needed.

Before we left the doctor's office, I mentioned to him my challenge in getting the Queen Mother registered in the Working Disabled Program, and showed him the documents I had found. Although she didn't start seeing Dr. M. until 2005, he had his internship under the doctor she was seeing at that time. At any rate, not only did he advise me which of the documents would be helpful, I ALSO got a letter from him supporting our cause. I don't think Dr. M's letter will be sufficient in and of itself, but I can include an affidavit from me, along with a few other records I've been told would be useful. Now I just have to get it all pulled together and pay a visit to the County Office!

At any rate, when the Queen Mother's current appointment was finished and her future appointments were set, Himself and I took her home, then went to pay the bills I was going to pay yesterday, but wasn't able to till today. Between some road construction on the main thoroughfare, and an accident on the Southbound 15, traffic was a hairy mess. Nevertheless, the bills got paid, and we swung by Trader Joe's to grab some quick dinner. 

Once my dinner was finished, I joined the Queen Mother at the dining room table in eating. She had been asking me to eat with her more often; today I was able to do that. I've spent the rest of the evening putting the her medical records we have received in chronological order. I don't know if I'll be using anything else that we have, but at least we have it. 

The pace will slow a bit tomorrow, as Himself "only" has a Cardiac session scheduled. I might get around to some of the phone calls I need to make tomorrow; if I don't, there's always Thursday, which has nothing scheduled at the moment. :)

Day 236: on a clear day

The morning ran smoother than it has in a while, as everything unfolded in perfect timing, and I was able to write most of my Morning Pages before the Queen Mother was ready to be helped with breakfast. The part I need to fine tune is my morning prayer, as I fell out of practice and got a bit rusty.

Finally got through the stack of mail that had built up over the past week or so. Over half of what we get goes straight into recycling, as it's mainly envelopes and junk mail. I put the essential stuff aside, and tomorrow will be an "administration day" to fill out papers for the upcoming fumigation, cast a vote for HOA board members, and one or two other things. I'm also going to make my phone calls, which I wasn't able to get to today.

Today was Himself's last Cognitive Behavioral Therapy appointment. The discussion was mainly a review, and also a realization that sometimes, when willpower isn't enough, the body will step in and insist that whatever change needs to be made Will Be Made, Right Now. Basically, Himself's Cardiac Adventure is helping him to make some fundamental changes in his thought processes that the cognitive exercises alone weren't quite able to accomplish.

Both of us are showing the monthly stipends pending in our accounts (Himself's disability pension and the Queen Mother's social security), so we only have one more day in the month to get through. Then we will have a brief window to buy things and pay things before it all shuts down again.

Speaking of financial challenges, Himself did talk to his attorney today, who assured him the situation was not as dire as the Board folks might have implied. Of course they are going to put every effort into winning his case, as they don't get paid unless they win. Unfortunately, there was no timeline as to when we might hear a result - but as I'm changing my focus to the Present instead of the Future, the news really didn't bother me today.

I am feeling lighter and more hopeful today. Part of it is my shift in perspective; part of it is also the shift in the weather. It was a warm and sunny day today, and it finally felt Seasonal for the first time in a few months! The forecast is showing a warming trend over the next week or so, though it will be a little cooler for the weekend. Maybe now I can actually think about rotating my wardrobe over to summer clothes; honestly, this would be the latest in the year that I've shifted from cool weather clothes to warm weather clothes. Not a big deal at all, but one of those interesting notes of life as it is.

So that's it for this evening. Tomorrow my focus shifts to domestic issues to be taken care of. I will see how much I can cross off the list.

Day 229: on a less busy day than planned

I went with Himself to the VA Medical Center to his Neurology appointment. They redid his headache medication because of the Cardiac medication he is now on. Traffic was heavy on the way home, but nowhere as heavy as it's going to be tomorrow with the start of the Memorial Day weekend.

As we were coming home, the emotional tide that had been building over the past few days finally crashed in, big time. Yup, I'm in the Moontime, and my heating pad and dark chocolate are my BFF's right now. On top of that, I might be getting a cold, because Himself has had some "sinus challenges" of his own the past few days. Cooties, the gift that keeps on giving! (Grr grr grr.)

Fortunately, there isn't a whole lot on the schedule tomorrow, so I'm going to lay low. I might lay low all the way through the Holiday weekend. To Be Determined...

Day 222: on following up (part 2)

We started off today with the Queen Mother this time. Her doctor wanted her to get some labs done; I believe it's primarily an annual test of her cholesterol levels. So I woke up a bit earlier than usual, assisted by my very hungry cats (who then completely snubbed their breakfast, go figure!) and had a quick shower before bundling the Queen Mother into her chariot, getting her in the car, and driving over to the Labcorp office.

The fact that both the main parking lot and the multi-level parking lot were both full should have been our clue. We went up to the second floor, orders in hand, and found a waiting room at full capacity. All told, it was an hour before the Queen Mother got her blood drawn...and this was a fasting lab, meaning she wasn't supposed to eat beforehand. Add the fact that she can't tolerate ANY air conditioning very well, and she was not a happy camper when we were finally finished.

She says she will "never" go have blood drawn again. I say she won't remember what happened in about a week. We'll see who is right in about a year or so.

By the time we returned home, and the Queen Mother was ready to eat breakfast, Himself and I had to go to tend to his appointments. It quickly became apparent that Himself wouldn't be able to make his eye appointment in anywhere near a timely fashion, so we will have to reschedule it again. Third time will hopefully be the charm!

So we made it down to Mission Valley and found a Starbucks that wasn't horribly crowded, and I was able to cash in some of my loyalty points to get a free Baja black bean burrito wrap. It's new and it's good, especially with a touch of the ranch dressing - though I'm not sure if it's worth the eight-and-a-half dollar price tag. (Yikes!)

There was a bit of Synchronicity for both of us while Himself sipped and I brunched: on one side, there was an interview being conducted for a medical appointment ride service. That brought Himself's ears up, as it might give him something to do once his heart issues are squared away. On the other side, there was an interview being conducted for a caregiving service, which brought MY ears up (hello, Respite Care!) Both of us grabbed the respective business cards; I will be in touch, at least on my end.

We wound up arriving for Himself's appointment with his primary care doctor a bit early - and we still wound up waiting an hour ourselves! It was worth it, though, as we had a long, thorough discussion with his doctor, both about his Cardiac Event and his new medication regimen. We will have a couple of his regular prescriptions to pick up on Monday when he starts his next round of appointments for that week.

Traffic wasn't too bad on the way home, and dinner was duly served when we arrived. Fortunately for me, 1) there aren't any other appointments to attend to for the rest of this week, and 2) there's a caregiver support group tomorrow, which I'm going to attend come rain or shine - and it's forecast to rain for six of the next seven days! It's not supposed to be a hard rain, but the question still remains: when did Southern CA change places with Southern OR?? (Really, rain at this time of the year is very unusual around here!)

Planning to kick back and rest for a few days, while the rain falls and the plants grow, and the nose runs, tickled by all of the pollen in the air... ;) 

Day 220: on following up (part 1)

One week out from Himself's Cardiac Event, we returned to the VA Medical Center for Cardiology's "Discharge Clinic," where they checked him over to make sure he was doing okay post-Event-and-Stent. Some of our questions were answered there; others will have to wait a couple of days until he sees his Primary Care physician on Wednesday. The Weight Management class he was going to retake will have to be postponed until he is a bit more stable and has begun cardiac rehab. We did manage to reschedule his missed eye appointment (from last week) to this Wednesday, so things shuffle around a bit on the calendar. The last order of business before he left was to get some blood drawn for the necessary labs before Wednesday's appointment.

Traffic was not too bad going home, as we managed to beat the evening commute. I did some research into Himself's new medications when we got home, before dinner, and saw why some of his meds had been discontinued. I made some notes for Wednesday's appointment.

Tomorrow looks to be an "adminstrative day," with Himself playing on the computer, me supervising the Queen Mother as she showers, and another handful of phone calls to be made. Tomorrow is also going to be the nicest day of the week, so I will see if I can't sneak out for an hour or two to ambulate in the Sunshine and Fresh Air. Perhaps when I go get the cat food...

I continue to inch forward, even though mists have once again concealed the summit of the mountain, and we have no idea how close, or far, we are from reaching it. It has been just about a month since Himself's VA attorneys passed his case on to the Board of Veterans Appeals, and we are expecting word on a ruling any day now - but we don't know exactly when. So we're doing the only thing we can do: suit up and show up, and do what needs to be done. Thus is progress made, and sanity maintained. Sorta.

With that, I shall declare it a day and see if I can't catch up on a bit of sleep.

Day 196: on wrapping up the week

I was happy to get in my Tea and Morning Pages ritual before turning my attention to the Queen Mother and getting her over to her appointment. I gave her a ten minute warning before the half hour I had allotted to get us over there, and it still wasn't quite enough. Looks like I will have to block out more time next time. :p

Anyway, we got over to the doctor's office and had a short wait before she was called back. Her quarterly weigh-in shows she had gained two whole pounds! A big concern with us is her weight; we want to make sure she's gaining or holding steady, and not dropping any. I jokingly attibuted it to the birthday donuts she'd had when we were conversing with her doctor. After discussion and a brief exam, she was proclaimed "good to go" for another three months. We just need to stop by the Lab next month for her annual (fasting) bloodwork. I called Himself on the phone and we met in the parking lot.

Once the Queen Mother was safely back home, I cooked Himself and myself some gnocchi, as we were going to a First Night Seder with the congregation we're a part of, and I suspected it might be a bit before we would eat again. We got to the Carlsbad Senior Center (where the seder is held every year) a bit early to help with putting everything together, and we also stayed a little later to help take everything apart. I was going to take a picture or two at the start, but my phone died just as I brought up my camera. Himself took plenty of pictures, though.

He was feeling a bit tired after the Seder, so I drove us home after a quick stop at a Starbucks, and I happened to drive through my first ever DUI checkpoint on the way to the 78. I can't imbibe any level of alcohol without winding up projectile vomiting, a fact I mentioned to the nice officer, who chuckled in sympathy. It was an uneventful trip home after that.

Once I got home, though, I had to clean up after one of our Efficient Hunters, namely Inkblot. The Queen Mother pointed out the ex-bird by the computer station, and I may or may not have gone a bit green around the gills in bagging the body for the trash. I suspect it was the same bird I had chased around the house a few days before.

I am happy to have arrived at the end of this busy week. It was a good week, but it was still a long week. Tomorrow feels like a good day to switch off all of my devices; so tomorrow evening will probably feature a short, late post. I feel like I need a bit of a mental holiday.

Take good care of yourselves this weekend, too. :) 

Day 195: on a more orderly day

I got a bit more sleep overnight than I had the previous night, so that was one point of improvement. Today was also full, but not as chaotic.

I accompanied Himself to the all-important Oncology appointment today. In this case, no news was most definitely good news. He is still In Remission and "good to go" for another 90 days. :)

From there, we went over to have his port access removed, and then a trip over to where they schedule GI procedures. The GI folks had scheduled his next "coming and going" appointment for June, three months after the last one, but the Oncology folks say he doesn't need another one until September, six months after the last one. The GI folks saw reason, and his appointment was duly rescheduled. Good news all the way around. We also made notes to schedule the next CT scan (prior to his next Oncology appointment) in May, when we need to pay a visit to the eye clinic. His eyeballs are a whole 'nother story, which I will share later.

Our next stop was at Ralphs, where we got ourselves some sandwiches and chips for a little picnic lunch at the beach. The rip currents were very apparent today; fortunately, there weren't many swimmers in the water yet, as the ocean is still a bit too chilly. I got some quality beach time today, and I was happy.

We stopped at Trader Joe's on the way home, and arrived before dinnertime. We checked the mail just in case - still no letter. In this case, that was a good thing, as Himself's stepmother has stopped payment on the check she wrote and will wire him the money instead. With any luck, we will have it tomorrow; at worst, we might have to wait till Monday.

Between yesterday and today, I am moving to break up the Stinking Thinking that says I am "too damaged" to be helped, and "too negative" to be able to receive (financial) help. Stuff happens, and can happen to any of us, and the worst thing we can do is Suffer in Silence. I am working on telling my truth faster, and speaking up when I need help...and I AM Receiving Help. So there. :)

Tomorrow it's the Queen Mother's turn to visit the doctor for a follow up appointment, followed in the evening by the happy chaos that is a Passover Seder. With this in mind, I chose to skip the caregiver support group today in order to rest up. There will be another one next week that I can attend.

Today I made progress in climbing towards the summit of the mountain.