The day of the Equinox was very much a yin-and-yang day for me...
It was a warm day, lovely, with a light breeze and some clouds in the sky, but not entirely overcast. Color has been restored to my mind's eye, and I felt alive and whole, for the first time in a long time. I even went for a walk to get the mail, which was necessary because the Queen Mother was waiting upon her weekly TV magazine to help her navigate the days by telling her when her shows are on.
I needed that walk too, because it allowed my to tap into what was causing my stomach to feel a bit tight, and I allowed myself to feel the Worry fully and consciously. That was the "yin" part of the day - the Queen Mother had a significant episode today, and was in bed for most of the daylight hours. We were going to take her to get bloodwork today, but I suspect she got so upset about going, that she worked her way into this episode, as she doesn't allow herself to get emotional, have that temper tantrum, raise her voice in anger.
She learned early on in her life that "feeling sorry for herself" wouldn't get her anywhere, but I wonder if she learned that lesson too well. I can count on one hand, and have fingers left over, the number of times I ever heard her yell at anyone. I used to feel guilty about expressing my emotions and acting "just like (my) father," as mom would say; now I feel blessed that I allow myself to Feel the Feels and Move Through Them, more and more as I go along, rather than stuff everything so deep down that it has no choice but to emerge as a physical issue, like (perhaps) gallstones, dizziness, and nausea.
I sat with the worry and heard it out: there is still a part of my that thinks the Queen Mother will live forever, and is not ready for her to die. Truth is, I'm never going to be entirely "ready" for her to die. I can expect and anticipate it, yes, and prepare for it, most definitely, but still not be ready. Mommy's not going to get better, I tell my Little One Within, but we will take care of her the best that we can. I'm allowing the tears to fall as I write this, as a bit of Anticipatory Grief.
She says she feels better now. She had breakfast for dinner, watched the voice, and is now watching Bluff City Law (I believe that's the new show with Jimmy Smits starring in it). I'm going to back off tomorrow and bring up the idea of visiting the clinic to get the blood drawn for labs on Wednesday. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy these final days of Jaguar Weather as we move from Hot to Not Hot in Mostly Sunny SoCal.
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