Day 70: on dropping in

Not the longest day, but Winter-ish weather + Moonflow made me slow and sluggish. Managed to push through.

My brain is goo, so will wax more eloquent tomorrow. Nighty night, friends.

Day 69: on flowing with the go

As accomplished as I feel when I am able to get some Adulting done, I feel even more accomplished when I can Adult during my Moonflow. When I bleed, I become significantly Introverted, and generally don't want anything to do with the world until I am complete. I have found that the more I am able to relax at home, the more willing I am to Adult, for short periods of time, during my Moonflow.

So, today's Adulting...

I have turned in one of my timesheets to IHSS for processing. I have been assured up- down-and-sideways that the dreaded Share of Cost is not there at the moment, so we will see what happens. Goddess knows that whatever money I can get would come in super handy!

I also talked to the Medi-Cal peeps today. I don't think the nice lady quite understood what we were appealing, but that's okay. I did get my significant question answered: yes, they could stop paying the Queen Mother's Medicare Part B (which pretty well makes up the difference between where we are and where we need to be), and she would get under the Poverty Line again. As soon as she would be approved, though, the state would step in and start paying her Part B, which would put her back over the line. It's an all-or-nothing arrangment, basically...and unfortunately. (I had to ask, though). The PS on this is that the hearing will take place the day after Christmas, on the 26th.

I managed to get some wiggle room for our electric bill, so if Nothing Else, we'll be able to keep the power on. Ths also means I'll be able to keep a little more cashola in my pocket, which is always a very good thing. Next up is printing up an assistance form for the HELOC that we have, to see if I can work any magic with that situation.

See, one thing I acknowledge, besides being challenged by The Unexpected, is a tendency to become overwhelmed by looking at the Big Picture and thinking I have to solve it All At Once. Not so! I am using my new mantra, What's to Be Done Now, and taking apart my problem into its various components, then tacking one thorny bit at a time.

Right now, we are awaiting the completion of Himself's personal injury chiropractic regimen; when that is done, his attorney will pursue the settlement. The chiropractor says he will be finished with this phase of treatment by the end of March. Based on that, we're thinking we'll get that settlement sometime in May or June. The bad news: we're going to be floating down this river for another 4-6 months. The good news: I now have a fairly firm Timeline that I can maneuver with, and make arrangements with. Wish me luck, friends, because I'm going to need all of it I can get!

And I didn't think I would be able to rustle up any words for this blog entry today. HA! ;) 

Day 68: on feeling supported

It took a while to get started today. I felt very tired for the first half of the day. I managed to get my hair washed before going down to the caregiver support group this afternoon. I always call it a good day when I can wash my hair along with the rest of me.

Support group today was large, and most everyone got to share. One or two people were new; we begain with one of the newbies, who simply wanted "to listen," and doubtless got an earful as we went around the circle. It can get a little chaotic sometimes, with advice flowing as freely as water, but everyone in the end walks out a little lighter, as we are reminded that we're all in this together.

While I was waiting for Himself to stop by and pick me up, I discovered the reason I was tired: I was starting my Moonflow a bit earlier than expected! Welcome to the wild world of Perimenopause, eh wot! I got myself some proper padding on when we got home.

I went back out with Himself after a quick-ish dinner, where we met up with a friend in San Diego. She gave us some food, which was very helpful, along with a pair of pumpkins. I must confess, Cooking From Scratch is not a strong suit of mine, and my first thought was, "What are we going to do with these pumpkins?!" Fortunately, they're not very large; unfortunately, we don't have a working oven, just a modest-sized convection oven. Even if we wanted to, we couldn't do these gourds justice! I'll think of something, though...

On the way home, I caught sight of a large procession of people. They weren't shouting any slogans, so they weren't protesting. Then I remembered: today is the feast day for the Virgin of Guadalupe (a variant of the Virgin Mary), and I had probably seen a posada (procession) making the rounds. My spirit was a bit lighter afterwards, though I had to take a moment and explain it to Himself.

Each day, I'm feeling a little better after my epic meltdown on Sunday. Seeing the pretty holiday lights around town is helping lift my spirits up as well. Hopefully, this gentle momentum continues to build. :)

Day 67: on adulting

I pat myself on the back today for getting some Adulting done successfully. I beat the Depression back with my walking stick. ;)

I made some challenging phone calls. I didn't get all the answers I had hoped for, but the calls are done, and I have a better idea of what things look like.

I also did a load of laundry and got some much needed groceries. I have enough that I could get by with a few things here and there, and Himself could probably do some culinary improvisation as well. Even the cats have a basic routine that doesn't cost a horrible amount of money.

The Queen Mother is the most significant challenge: she know what she wants, and waivers very little from what she wants. I have noticed, however, she's become a little less picky in the past few weeks. Either she doesn't remember what she's wanted in the past, or she's stopped complaining about her dietary options (preferring to save her complaints for how "messy" the house is). Either way, I'm grateful for the extra wiggle room, and do what I can to save money.

Change of pace tomorrow: caregiver support group (yay!), plus an appointment or two. Himself and I are also going to meet with one of our friends to talk some shop and possibly brainstorm on ideas.

By degress, Hope returns... :)

Day 66: on picking myself up

I was not intending to make today a Mental Health Day, yet that's how it turned out. Everyone slept way in; I think the colder weather encourages more time asleep, especially if it's also cloudy, which it has been today. Once I got up, I dove into the Morning Pages and got a bit of a different perspective...

I've been trying to solve all of our problems in one fell swoop and in less than 24 hours. I forgot, temporarily, the idea of Going Small. Not only is it a good idea for sneaking in a little Respite time here and there, but it's also good to consider when looking at my challenges. Out of the Pages arose my current Mantra: "What Is to Be Done Now?" Instead by being overwhelmed by the totality of my situation, I can focus on the most pressing matter or two and take care of that first, then look again at the big picture to see the next step. It sounds like a no-brainer, perhaps, but let me tell you - cortisol is really good at making one forget about all things positive and logical!

Instead of phone calls and online searches, I chose to focus on huswifery instead: putting away dishes, taking out trash and recycling, tidying up in the kitchen. Before that, I actually found myself enjoying the funnies with my breakfast; they were very funny today, which is what I needed after going through the emotional wringer yesterday. (PS on that - it looks like I will have an opportunity to clear the air in the near future. That makes me happy.)

Later this evening, Himself and I will be helping out a friend who has been hospitalized for the third time (!) with a recurring shoulder issue, and perhaps be a bit sociable. Tomorrow we have no appointments on the calendar, so I just might get back to Adulting then. If nothing else, I'm beginning to feel reasonably human again, which is a far cry from yesterday, not to mention this time last year! I continue to put one foot in front of the other, and look for the Next Indicated Step.

In the meantime, prayers for a speedy recovery for our friend would be most appreciated.      

 

Day 65: on being at my wits' end

Today I thought was going to receive an infusion of hope, but I wound up getting punched in the Shadow gut. I came hope from a formerly safe space feeling like a leper. All of my Stinking Thinking was turned up full blast. I was bawling for a couple of hours. I'm better now, but still emotionally very sore.

I took down the GoFundMe and deleted all mention of it off of my Facebook. I feel like those who could pitch in with support already have, and to keep it up was simply exacerbating the shame I've been feeling.

Honestly, I don't know where to go from here, except possibly into bankruptcy, and if that happens, I'm pretty sure we can kiss any and all money coming our way goodbye. At the rate things ar going in DC, though, we could conceivably be in and out of bankruptcy before Himself's attorneys get anything from the VA. Go figure.

I'm beyond tired this evening, hoping a good night's sleep can provide some answers. Yes, tomorrow is a new day, but a new day of what? The same old (ahem) stuff?

I have no answers or witty ending comments this evening. Peace Out, peeps.

Day 64: on back to back brevity

Just got home, so this post, out of necessity, will also be brief:

Dame Fortune was not amused. We made it out to the casino, but did not have a good night. Gave it the old college try, though.

I believe I received the Medi-Cal appeal letter in the mail this evening. Will confirm tomorrow.

Although it looks like it's going to be another hard Winter, I'm getting somewhere in my Shadow-Work.

More will be revealed...