Day 184: on tackling the to-do list

It was a beautiful day...to take a look at my to-do list and see what the highest priority item was. That item: taxes.

I have prepared my own taxes for years on end, as I am a very simple and easy person, tax wise. This year I printed out the "new and improved" 1040 form, and wasn't super impressed. Leave it to the government to fix a system that wasn't really broken in the first place! I opened up my trusty tablet and downloaded the instructions as a PDF, to save myself paper and headaches.

Anyway, I have been delaying doing my taxes because I figured I would be owing everyone significant amounts of money, due to the partial cash surrenders I had to take out last year. Imagine my surprise when I did the math and found, instead, I get a REFUND, thanks to that handy little thing called Earned Income Credit. Imagine my further surprise when I found that the State will also be sending me some refund money as well, also due to Earned Income Credit. They won't be huge windfalls in either case, but perhaps I can use them to get caught up on the electric bill, if nothing else!

I filled out the forms, then realized I forgot to include a 1099 that I had also received last year. It didn't affect the refunds on either the Federal or the State level, but I stil needed to throw it into the pot. So I redid the forms, and now they're ready to go into the mailbox. Yay me.

One more pleasant surprise was seeing an entire section of the newspaper devoted to Caregiving. I pulled it out and read just about all of it over breakfast. I'll probably finish it up tonight. It had some good information in it, along witb a guide to the Caregiver Expo that's going to take place next Saturday. I attended the first expo last year, but I'm not sure if I'm going to attend it this year. This section, however, covers many of the topics that are scheduled to be covered at the expo, so if I don't make it, it won't be that big of a deal.

Tomorrow is an "empty" day on the calendar, so once again I'll be playing things by ear. I'm actually looking forward to seeing what will unfold; that's a very good thing. :)

Day 183: on taking full advantage

Today started out slowly, for which I was grateful. It was also much sunnier and a bit warmer than yesterday had been. Himself stayed home during the day and did a load of laundry, and I wrote in my Morning Pages and lingered over breakfast. When he mentioned that he would have to be away on Sunday to tend to some business, I immediately shifted to Chill Mode and luxuriated in an easy day. Tomorrow I can do the things; today I read a little and napped a little more.

I did break out my special purple notebook after dinner and engage in some Timed Writing exercises. I gained some clarity and peace of mind when I was done, even though I had to take a bit of a breather in between topics. I did manage to find some treasures buried in the muck, and put them aside for later consideration.

Now I have two sleeping cats on the bed with me, and I shall follow suit shortly. I have some open days next week, so once again I am hopeful I can do some things that need to be done. I also look forward to warmer, longer days to recharge in. Adjusting to the time shift is always annoying, but these are the days that make the shift worthwile. :)

Day 182: on reaching the halfway point in blogging

Well, friends, I've been at this for six whole months and not yet missed a day! Considering the craziness that has been my life over these past six months, that's something I can take a bit of pride in. :)

I was hoping this consistency would spill over to other parts of my life. In that, the result has been Not Yet. Projects that I've started had petered out, but I have gotten quite a bit done if I look at the number of things that I have started, even if I have piled a lot of Incomplete/In Progress things on my plate.

Part of it is the presence of my Depression - even if it's not active in the foreground, it waits poised in the background, ready to come in and take over all of my thoughts, and encourage me to sleep and sleep some more, and eat All The Things, no matter how fatty or sugary they might be. Depression thinks it's safer for me to stuff my anger down and "implode" rather than project it out and "explode" in fiery rage that might burn a lot before the flames go out.

It's easy to be angry when I'm tired and really needing some significant Respite Time. It's easy to be angry when processes that should be easy turn out to have unexpected twists and turns, and take forever to complete, and might not even bring the desired outcome. It's easy to be angry when this thing called "Caregiving" threatens to drown me and wipe out every single dream and desire that I have, along with every dollar and cent in my bank account, especially when I'm the only child and I don't have any siblings to help me, voluntarily or otherwise.

The most sobering thing is realizing that nearly HALF of all caregivers die before their loved ones do, because the stress and anger become too much to handle. This is why I need to take the more challenging route, and turn that anger into Something Else, and do as much as I can, as soon as I can.

Halfway through this daily blog documenting my Odyssey, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a freight train coming at me. I have gotten this far on this part of the journey, and every step I take brings me closer to the Payoff, literally. I see myself in a completely different place by the time this year of blogging ends, and Believing that This Will Come to Pass keeps me going. It has to, right now.

It was a decent day, rain notwithstanding, with cleaning up in the kitchen and laughing at the cats and paying off about half of the electric bill. Himself and I also managed to indulge in our monthly dinner treat at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant. It was good to fill up the belly before heading down to our meetings in San Diego this evening.

The next few days will be played by ear as well. I will see if I can finally bring myself to scratch a few things off of the eternal to-do list. Just for Today, I take one step forward, if nothing else.

Day 181: on taking strides forward

There are times when I wake up in the morning and can't return to sleep: when it's an a-ha! or when it's an oh no! Today it was one of the former moments, for I thought I had found a solution to my overarching problem of showing when the Queen Mother first was certified as Disabled: perhaps the Auto Insurance policy that we had once been on together could be traced back far enough to show her as a disabled driver! I called my company this morning, and would later stop by in person in the early afternoon.

Both times, though, I wound up a little disappointed: after I called in the morning, I received an email with some records attached. They didn't go back quite as far as I had requested, and even if they had, the cars were listed by their VIN numbers instead of by the license plates, which wouldn't prove anything. As for the office visit, the Queen Mother had apparently been a non-driver for so long, that she was no longer in their system. Whereas I might have had a meltdown in the past, today I took these (non) developments in stride. I had nothing to lose by asking.

After visiting the auto insurance company, Himself and I stopped by Trader Joes to grab groceries. Inkblot "helped" me with some recycling when I got home. I had the main meal of my day a little earlier than usual, so I was able to finish up everything in plenty of time to make it to my Caregiver Support Group. It was a small group tonight, but it was good to be among my main peeps. Himself and I then went to one of his meetings, and it was good to see some familiar faces.

Once we got home, Himself wanted to take a walk around the condo complex (where we live) to get back on the exercise bandwagon, and partly to help break in his new boots, which he purchased to get better support for his feet. They turned out to support his feet just fine, but other parts of his body chimed in their displeasure with actually moving and walking. My lower back has been acting up a bit, and I still walked faster than he did! We stopped to get the mail (the mailboxes are at the back of the complex), and once or twice more, but we made it back home. I'm hoping Himself makes this a regular part of our routine, as I generally like walking, and it helps me clear out my mind when everything is running riot.

We might or might not have plans for tomorrow during the day, so I will be playing it by ear once again. 

Day 180: on shifting my perspective

While writing in the Morning Pages, a radical idea came up: what if I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing? What if many of those times I have been depressed have actually been instances where some of my Stuck Ego has died and been sloughed off and away? What if my down moments have contained secret gifts that I'm only now opening?

I am certainly a different person now than I was at the start of my Odyssey, and I have yet to sit down and try to quantify these changes. Thinking about my travails in this fashion has settled me down a bit, and I'm not so anxious as I have been.

I managed to get the washing of the sheets (for the Queen Mother and for myself) done today, and we managed to get to Walmart today. Score on both counts.

The evening was interesting: a dinner seminar about retirement at Carver Steakhouse in Rancho Bernardo. The topic piqued Himself's interest, because he's going to need some advice about what to do with his VA back pay when it finally comes. So we have a free appointment tomorrow morning, with no further obligation. I think we'll talk to this dude, one of the Credit Union's investment dudes, and maybe one or two others before we choose who will advise us. Himself was very impressed with Carver's Prime Rib, whereas I batted my eyes, smiled sweetly, and asked for a vegetarian substitution. I was rewarded with a penne pasta dinner with red peppers, asparagus, and broccoli in an alfredo sauce, along with some oh-so-divine garlic bread.

Dessert wasn't offered, but Himself got an idea in his head from an earlier conversation we'd had, and he took me to a Krispy Kreme donut shop. We got half a dozen donuts, three of them being the California equivalent of the "Boston Cream" donut. I had one, he had one, and the Queen Mother had one. We all agreed that they were lovely.

So we will see what happens tomorrow with the consultation, and afterwards. It might or might not rain; it didn't rain during the day today, but it had rained overnight Tuesday night into Wednesday morning. My ears are up and listening for more rain, just in case. April showers - what a concept!

Day 179: on looking for the reset button

I realized today that I have had my fill with obligations, deadlines, and appointments. My mind is feeling rather fried at the moment, and all I really want is quiet and calm. 

Once again I got some, but not all, of the errands done that I wanted to do today, and I'm thinking that tomorrow will be a better day to finish off the to-do list. Tomorrow is the first of three days without any set obligations or appointments - and it's also the first of three days with the possibility of rain forecast. I should be able to dance between raindrops, though, and find some ways of recharging, renewing, and recentering.

Now I think I will go back to my quiet and calm, and let my frazzled nerves rest.

Day 178: on all tricksters day

Way back in November/December, I took what Himself told me and calculated that we would see results in 4-6 months, and I needed to work some magic to get to that point. With our arrival in April, we are entering that "golden" period, and I have worked the magic to get here. Himself is going to check this week to make sure his VA attorney has filed his case; once he has, we will begin to scale the summit of the mountain, so to speak.

Today's visit to the VA Medical Center entailed a flushing of Himself's chemo port. He does this every month or so because he has chosen to keep it implanted in his body. When he needs blood drawn, as he did today, all anyone has to do is access his port and they can get all the blood they need, thus sparing everyone the challenge of trying to access a vein in his arm, or elsewhere.

That was his only appointment for the day, so the next stop was the nearby Ralph's deli, where we got some sandwiches. We wound up re-registering with the store because his phone number got flushed out of their system, so that delayed us a bit, and I began to get frustrated and angry, as I felt this was cutting into precious time I could be spending at the ocean!

While it's true that I'm getting better at catching myself before I plunge headlong down the rabbit hole of Depression, the reverse seems to be true as well: my fuse has become much shorter, and it's easier for me to start looking for the rabbit hole to dive into. I find myself becoming way less tolerant of delays and interruptions to "my" agenda - a sure sign that I'm heading back toward Burnout, and more spectacularly than the first time to boot!

Today I brought myself out of the rabbit hole by remembering my endeavors of Going Small...sometimes I can only carve out a little beach time, or I have to fold in some fun while I am out taking care of errands, because it's too challenging to set aside an entire day. So let me Enjoy what I can carve out, when I can carve it out, and not sweat it if plans change half a dozen times during the day. Memo to Self - !

Once we got everything straight at the grocery store, the law of You Will Hit Every Red Light When You Are In a Hurry to Get Somewhere kicked in. I'm sure the tricksters got a good laugh today. We eventually made it to the ocean, however, and had just enough time for a nice picnic lunch at the beach. I even shot some video on my phone for my Messenger Daily Stories, which I'm going to attempt to start again. (Whatever it takes to stave off insanity, right?)

We were a bit delayed in getting home, but the Queen Mother wasn't too put out. I timed how long it would take to get her dinner ready, as the increase in her IHSS hours became effective, at least theoretically, as of today. So once I establish my "baseline," then I can fill in the rest of the hours with laundry, grocery shopping, and things like that. Now we hope the DMV comes through with the right records!

While Himself went down to take care of business in San Diego, I stayed home and decompressed, first listening to some gentle meditative music, then switching over to some more upbeat "Chill Lounge" music. I've just now switched back to the gentle meditative music to start winding down.

Here's hoping that we begin to receive Resolution to our various quests!