Day 63: on being brief, december style

Bright and sunny day today, if a bit on the cool side. A good day to rest.

The weekend plans might change; we're not sure yet. One of Himself's friends is going through a significant personal challenge, and he wants to be supportive, so we shall see.

Feeling tired tonight, so this will be a short post. More (likely) tomorrow.

Day 62: on rainy day reality

I have mentioned before how much I have wanted to have a rainy day at home. Today I did - and the reality didn't match up to the fantasy. Sir Isaac Newton says it best in his Third Law of Motion: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

My action was to cultivate a sense of Abundant Gratitude within. The reaction was a doubling down on my Depression. I had a massive case of the Heavies, a sense of Why Bother? flowing and ebbing through the day. Instead of curling up in bed and settling in for a 24 hour nap, this time, I resolved to Push Through...

While Himself watched the "never ending" coverage of the last journey of former President Bush (the elder), I put on headphones, found a jazzy station on Pandora, and tidied up the kitchen. That helped a little. Eating a late lunch helped a little. Doing some Shadow Work in the shower helped a little. The Heavies stayed stubbornly with me.

Finally I chose to step out into the Wild Wet Weather and check in with one of my caregiver support groups. There was actually a thunderstorm on the way down, and I felt the Heavies dissipating with each visible lightning strike. Suddenly, my angst didn't feel so big and overwhelming, when compared to the Awesome Power of Nature - not to mention that i felt rather grounded when we reached our destination.

The axiom When you don't want to go to a meeting, is when you really need a meeting, rang quite true. Himself and I got to the group at about 6pm. Both of us got a chance to share, and both of us got a chance to Witness. I came away with the idea that being an Only Child isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sibling rivalries, particularly around Wills and Trusts, can be very ugly.

Himself had originally considered hitting up a casino after the support group (he's rather good at Blackjack, and we're willing to try and curry Dame Fortune's favor at this point), but looking at the weather, and considering the winding twisty roads we would need to navigate to get to one of the decent non-smoking casinos, we chose to wait for the weekend (when it won't be raining), and chose to have a nice dinner instead (with a bit of his birthday money that he had stashed away).

I realized this was another thing I miss: just the two of us, having a nice dinner out, putting aside Duty and Responsibility for a couple of hours, eating tasty food and enjoying the ambiance. This is something I can prioritize, particularly in my "Going Small" perspective; dining out once a month doesn't seem too much to ask.

So we are back home, with a pair of coping cats who don't like the rain, and the Queen Mother, who is shuffling along the best that she can. Aren't we all...coping and shuffling along the best that we can?

Day 61: on considering a wee experiment

While writing in my Morning Pages today, I came to see how good I had gotten at Stinking Thinking. I didn't do any venting onto the page, but I saw how my thought patterns would go straight to considering the "bad" outcomes, if not start to catastrophize outright (envisioning the worst case scenario in an attempt to "cushion the blow" somehow).

Then I had an idea: since I had become an expert at seeing the clouds gathering on the horizon, perhaps I could cultivate a knack at seeing the Silver Linings to the clouds instead. I have heard a ton of messages about Gratitude and Getting More of What You Focus Upon, and so forth, especially over the last few weeks. So, why not try to count my Blessings before I count my Woes? Perhaps I could start counting my Blessings instead of my Woes! Now there's a radical thought...

Starting tomorrow, then, I'm going to try what I'm calling "Abundant Gratitude" for one month. I'm choosing tomorrrow because it's a new moon, perfect for beginning new things, and Mercury is going direct, which will make communications much easier. I can manage tracking Gratitude, and practicing seeing Abundance, for one month. At the end of the month, I will review any progress that I have made and determine whether I'm going to continue.

I have begun Gratitude journals in the past, but they have always seemed to peter out sooner or later. By committing to just one month, I'm making a definitive container that I can pretty easily fill, and if I choose to continue, I can do so month to month, so no big pressure. I really don't have anything to lose, except for my Depression and a good deal of Stinking Thinking.

Wish me luck... :)

Day 60: on consistency

I'm noting today is the 60th day that I have written something on this blog, and that I haven't missed one single solitary day! This is significant because doing something consistently, day in and day out, has been a challenge, at times, on this odyssey of mine. This blog is a thread of possibility, a Yes I Can item for myself that I can build upon.

As an example: I had restarted a practice to keep my energy clear. I was doing well, until it was time for my Moonflow. Since it has come and gone, I haven't been able to get back into that practice. What I need to do is figure out how best to practice while menstruating, so that it just doesn't drop off and I lose the momentum I had built up. I'm good with it on one level, but super frustrated on another level.

On a related note: I still haven't done the two things I assigned myself to do at the start of the week: tidy up the kitchen and complete + turn in the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal paperwork. Today felt like an "off" day for much of the day; I wound up grocery shopping today because I didn't want to do it in the rain. (Did some of that last week. Not radically fun.) It turns out that the forms for the re-evaluation of the Queen Mother's CalFresh (food stamps) arrived in the mail this evening, so now I don't feel so bad. Tomorrow I can take care of ALL the paperwork in one fell swoop, and leave the kitchen for the rainy times coming up.

That's what my rational mind says, yet there's a part of me that's listening to the whispers of the Comparison Monster in my head, that insists I should have been able to do what I needed to do by now, and pick up where I had left off with my energetic + spiritual work, and why can't I summon up the wherewithal to get things done? Furthermore, what good is a schedule going to be if I can't stick to it for more than a week? The Stinking Thinking can and will get out of hand if I let it.

Part of my response is that I'm really very Tired, and this bone-deep Tired gets in the way sometimes. It's not as bad as it was, true, but I don't see it going away anytime soon, not without a week completely AWAY from the whole idea of caregiving. Part of my response it to give myself a break...much of the time, I have to be a one-woman show, and as long as I don't miss any important deadlines, I'm doing just fine. Even if I do miss a deadline here and there, the world isn't going to come to a screeching halt. Part of my response is that I am improving, and as long as I continue to improve (and sneak in a little REST here and there), I will return to a place where I can "get things done," and stick with routines, on a more consistent basis.

With that, I shall return to the blog, and note with satisfacttion: 60 consecutive days. One-sixth of this journey. Yay me. Perhaps, today, that will be Enough. :)

Day 59: on adapting to changing plans

Today could have been bad, but wound up pretty good...

I was getting a week of Himself's medications together this morning when I noticed his blood pressure medication was missing. Both of us took turns looking for it but couldn't find it anywhere. This meant we would have to make a trip to the VA Medical Center to pick it up, since 1) He really needed his blood pressure medication and 2) If it was mailed, there was a good chance it would get stolen, since there is at least one hardcore drug addict living in our complex. The packages from the VA are fairly distinctive.

I was upset at first, because it meant I had to put the plans that I had for today on hold. I took my upset to my Morning Pages, and by the time I had finished writing, my perspective had done a complete 180. I acknowledged how challenged I feel when Something Unexpected happens in my life, and I further realized how Outsized my reaction usually is when an Unexpected plot twist unfolds before me. Today, I remembered to De-Couple my reaction from the event; in other words, I reassured myself I was okay, and the plot twist wasn't a huge deal (it rarely is). I'm allowing myself to consider what the actual source of my triggering IS, and I'm sure the full answer will come in time.

So, newly okay with this Unexpected plot twist, Himself and I went down to the VA Medical Center. We came up with a list of departments to visit while we were there, since he only has one appointment there this month, and there were a handful of questions that we had. For the most part, we were successful, checking off many of the visits we had to make, in addition to getting his all-important blood pressure medication. We were a bit delayed in coming home, but that's rush-hour traffic for you.

Looking a little ahead on the calendar, I don't have anything scheduled for tomorrow, so it's not that big of a deal to simply reschedule my tasks and get what I need to do later, instead of sooner. I feel a lot better about it now than I did this morning. 

Day 58: on the gift of a calm day

Today I was able to shift into having a "Day Off." As a caregiver, I don't usually grant myself permission to have a day of doing little to nothing. Being honest, when there aren't appointments to make or chores to tend to, my mind is usually preoccupied with something that I have to Get Done Now, or Tomorrow At The Latest! Today, however, I declared that everything on the to-do list would abide until tomorrow, and kicked off the Ease with a nap after I had helped the Queen Mother with her breakfast. I didn't bother to get up for good until after 1pm.

One of the reasons I'm feeling so refreshed is because I actually got out and socialized for a few nights. (We made it to the Yule Party right on time last evening, and I enjoyed the Sister- and Brother-hood for the first time in what seems like forever, though I'm sure it's only been a few months.) I realized as I wrote in my Morning Pages today that as much as I need Me Time out in Nature, I also need We Time with peeps of like vibe. This came as a bit of a surprise to me, as I had previously not been aware of the Hunger I had to relate to folks who could relate back, and not necessarily be a part of a support group. I love and need my support groups, don't get me wrong, but I'm more than "just" a Caregiver, and I need to be in situations where I can perhaps bring out those parts of me that I might otherwise forget and give them some fresh air and sunshine as well.

All of this more or less started with an observation I had made about myself (in the Morning Pages), and the question I then asked myself: What is wanting to take everything so Personally within me? because I was taking everything that Life was throwing at me Very Personally. I remembered stories I had found within my Shadow Realm from earlier inquiries, but looked at them from a different angle this time. Not only did this lead to my current ideas around parceling out my days, but I've also let go of a lot of hard feelings and excessive mental gunk that I was carrying around. In a nutshell - my Caregiving experience is MY experience, but I've allowed Other People's Experiences to influence me a little too much. Knowing this, it becomes much easier to keep my own counsel about what works and what doesn't, and allow the opinions of others to slide off my back.

Today was a good, restful day, and I will be in a much better place to tackle what lies before me in the week ahead. :)

Day 57: on gifting myself with time

Today is a good day to do an afternoon blog, where I can let my thoughts stretch out a bit and have some breathing room, instead of trying to cram everything in at 11:30 at night after either a late event, or putting my brain into neutral and not thinking too much more at the end of a given day. So here we go...

One of the downers yesterday was that my plan to "catch up" with a couple of chores I didn't get done earlier in the week got derailed with more extensive-than-anticipated phone calls, and those calls didn't give me the outcome I had hoped for. Today, however, I caught up on those chores, by sweeping up the kitchen floor and taking out all the trash. The recycling will have to abide for the moment, as all of the bins are full, awaiting the city trucks to come and empty them.

About those calls...on the one hand, I will be able to get the necessary paperwork (for the Queen Mother's annual Medi-Cal evaluation) together tomorrow to be able to turn it in on Monday. I will also see if I can get my Provider's pay from the state on Monday, as there is not a share of cost, in theory, attached to her Medi-Cal at this time. (In practice, we shall see!) The situation basically boils down to this: with the state paying her Medicare Part B premium, she is over the "Federal Poverty line" and has a share of cost attached to her Medi-Cal. If the state were to not pay her Medicare premium, she would be below the line, and there would be no share of cost on her Medi-Cal. So I'm going to take a shot in the dark and see if we can ask the state to not pay her premium. I have no idea what the answer is going to be, but at this point, I have nothing left to lose.

Last night, Himself and I went to the synagogue, and then to dinner with some of our fellows for a "Nosh-n-Shmooze." I had all but forgotten how nice it is to be able to converse with other functional adults, outside of the family unit! I had a lovely time and felt re-energized on some levels. Tonight we're going to see if we can do some more noshing and shmoozing with some of my sister Priestesses (and their Priestly consorts) at a party this evening. Being with peeps is good; being with peeps who share your vibe is even better. Last night was Himself's turn, and tonight (Goddess willing) it will be my turn.

I have come to the question of how I can balance all of these things in my life, or at least, inviting some more consistency to my times of respite. That's where Scheduling comes in. I have tried before to schedule the vagaries of my Caregiving life, but my efforts didn't get very far. This time I'm coming at it from a differeng angle: putting in the blocks of time where I have to help out the Queen Mother, or tend to appointments, first; then taking into account what necessary Chores are needing to be done; and finally seeing which times are going to be Strictly for Me, and where I have some wiggle room for whatever chooses to arise. This way, I have a solid foundation to work off of every week, which has the flexibility to change from week to week. This feels like it will serve me better; I'll keep y'all posted.

It appears that I will have the opportunity to practice good form and settle into a nice groove this month, as December has only a few appointments to worry about. January is a different story; we're not exactly hitting the ground running, but we are going to picking up the pace soon after the New Year begins. I will deal with it all as best as I can, per my usual. :)