Day 26: on putting myself back together

It would be safe to say the day did not go as planned.

After my Morning Pages, but before breakfast, I checked my bank app to make sure some money Himself had deposited into my account had indeed arrived. Well, it had, but not before a check had bounced, one which I thought would go through today instead of yesterday, since I had not seen it Pending. But the cashing of the check had been attempted, it had failed, and "once again" I was dinged with an NSF fee. Sure, I can cover the check, but "once again," there are also other bills due, and "once again," I'm going to be all but broke before a week has passed. I could feel myself sliding down into Depression - but I chose to push forward.

I took a shower and got myself dressed. I advised Himself that I was ready to head out, and off we went. As we were getting ready to leave the main interstate highway for the state highway, Himself had to slam on the brakes because traffic ahead of us was coming to abrupt standstill; we later saw that a bus and a car had pulled to the side of the overpass connecting the two freeeways, and CHP was there as well.

Here's the thing: we didn't get into an accident, but I was looking down at the time; though we stopped, I felf myself moving forward, and all but saw/felt the airbag deploy. Here's the other thing: this was our second Near Miss in as many weeks.

So when we stopped at a Starbucks halfway between home and Questhaven, I was totally dialed in to Flight Mode, and I could NOT go forward in the day anymore. When I tried to talk myself out of it, I went into a full-blown Panic Attack instead.

I absolutely Do NOT break down and cry hysterically in public, unless I'm in the car. Inside the Starbucks, though, I came very close to losing it completely. At least I had the presence of mind to recognize my distress as a Panic Attack - maybe the second (or third?) time in my life I've experienced one. So we sat quietly for a time, Himself and I, attending to our respective beverages, until I had composed myself enough to walk out the door again.

Sometimes you push through. Sometimes you fall back. Sometimes you can figure out a compromise, and that's what I did...before we returned to the normal routines of the day, we paid a quick visit to Kit Carson Park, and the duck pond that I love so much. We managed a half an hour there in total. Today, an egret was paying a visit to the pond, viz:

Even though this wasn't the Big Outing in Nature I had promised myself, this small slice proved enough to soothe my jarred spirits for today. I have also rescheduled my Big Outing for next Wednesday, when the timing feels equally fortuitous, if not a bit more so. :)

I finished my business in the outside world with a bit of grocery shopping, grabbing some food & necessities while we had the cash to do so. I even treated myself to some cucumber sushi and seaweed salad for a late lunch. I have since eaten dinner and will soon be coloring one of my mandalas, gentle music playing via Pandora, and Pippa by my side. Thus I finish the process of Putting Myself Back Together, for today.

I am grateful for the flexibility to change my plans when the need arises. I am grateful we're okay and the car is okay. I am grateful for black tea with lemonade and healthy tasty things. I am grateful for the presence of the duck pond so close to home. I am grateful that tomorrow is a new day. I count my Blessings, and I am complete.

Day 25: on staying atop the surfboard

Today started out much lighter than yesterday did. There were still appointments to attend, and concerns to ponder, but I was able to enjoy a cup of tea and write in the Morning Pages before things got going.

The concern I am pondering foremost is the Queen Mother's health. She has been complaining about dizziness and nausea, and if her complaints continue, a return visit to her doctor is all but certain. She did manage to feel better as the day progressed, so we were able to make her dental appointment, where they finally fixed her dentures to her satisfaction. She had been wearing them for the past week with only a few complaints, and now appears to have accepted them completely. Here's one thing I can cross off of my list!

Between appointments, Himself worked some more on the demand letter for his personal insurance settlement, which he hopes to finish this week. Although it would be lovely to get everything wrapped up and resolved by the end of next month (which we're hoping for), I have stopped expecting quick resolutions to all things financial. This is the concern that lingers in the background, and has for a while now - we know we are going to get money, but we are not sure as to WHEN. It is this uncertainty which can pitch me off the surfboard and into the murky and turbulent waters, where Stinking Thinking lurks just below the surface, ready to pull me down into the depths and into Depression. The only way I have so far figured out to cope is to release ANY expectations of significant financial windfalls this year. When I take off the blinders, then I can better see what is truly around me, and perhaps act more appropriately with what I have at hand, now.

I am saving the critical thinking for later in the week. Tomorrow is a day to replenish myself In Nature, and walk the Labyrinth. :)

Day 24: on suiting up & showing up

I did not want to get going today. I woke up with a case of the Heavies and it took me a while to shake it off, but I'm glad I did.

The first stop was at the County Health & Human Services office; fortunately there is a branch on the other side of town, so I didn't have to make the drive all the way down to San Diego. The IHSS people told me to talk to the Medi-Cal people a few doors down, so that was my next stop. Himself was with me, mainly to get out of the Queen Mother's hair, and his presence paid off when the attendant at the kiosk machines took one look at his cane and gave us a Disabled "Express" ticket.

When our number was called, we went to the assigned desk and I explained the situation again. The woman at the desk was very polite and understanding, even laughing at Himself's jokes as he cracked wise. She passed the Queen Mother's file along to one of the case workers, who we went to see when our number was called again. (I passed the time mainly by reading Caregiver articles from emails I had tagged "for future interest" on my phone.) The case worker was also very polite, and just as confused as I was. Not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Eventually, she rescinded the dreaded IHSS Share of Cost for October and November...but we have until December to figure out how to get the Queen Mother back under the Federal Poverty Line. What, we have to be more broke than we already are?

Moving on: we nipped from one bureaucratic institution to another and drove down to the VA Medical Center (which is looking more and more SANE, if you can believe it! Himself received his physical therapy treatment for his right shoulder and inquired about his left shoulder; he will need to be referred back to PT by his primary doctor. Then came a trip to the Pharmacy to renew some of his medications. I'm in charge of keeping track of his meds, both in getting them ready for the week and making sure he doesnt run out of them, because of his TBI. This is my primary role for him right now - making sure he doesn't forget stuff, like taking his meds, or what a doctor might tell him at one of his numerous appointments.

On the way home, we stopped at Target to grab groceries, mainly for mom and the cats, and some for us as well. Tried to pay for the Queen Mother's groceries with her EBT card, but the darn thing wouldn't work! Fortunately, I had enough cash to cover everything, but my mood was not the best when we got home. I fixed the Queen Mother's dinner, then cooked up some mushroom ravioli for Himself and myself. Felt better after eating.

Then it was time to suit up and show up in a different way, as I accompanied Himself down to Beth Israel in La Jolla for a community rally. The place was SRO, and it was a lovely sight to see. Basically, the spiritual and civic leaders came together to affirm and promote Tolerance and Inclusivity in San Diego County. Many words were well said. Afterwards, Himself and I made our way to Denny's for some dessert. I had the Tres Leches "dessert" pancakes, and Holy Mother they were Deeeeeeeeee-Viiiiiiine!

I believe a good way to counter the Fear Culture is to find and cultivate as much JOY in life as possible. Tres Leches pancakes go a long way in doing that. :q   

Day 23: on "going small"

I try to keep myself moving in a good direction by looking for the lesson in what unfolds before me, a task I usually find easier once I have moved through a rough patch than when I'm trying to slog my way through the middle of it. What has arisen from this vacation debacle is this: I need to stop putting all of my Expectations into ONE event that will "restore" me, and instead focus on creating for myself smaller opportunities during the week to release the dross of Caregiving - and Life in general - and find myself points of equilibrium.

I also need to keep in mind that I am a LOT more Sensitive to the energetic ebbs and flows of the world, both at home and at large, than I might have cared to admit. I need to build in for myself plenty of good downtime without allowing myself to get caught up in the special Inertia that Depression will swallow me whole in. Specifically, I need regular trips Out Into Nature, to listen to birdsong and wind whispering through trees, or the consistent, steady breathing flow of sea water as it eternally moves back and forth over the sand at the continent's edge. Nature is my spiritual tonic, the balm for my soul when Life's edges become a little too cutting.

I opened up the calendar on my phone earlier today and had a look at the near future. This coming Wednesday had nothing scheduled; it looked perfect for walking the labyrinth at one of my favorite retreat spots. The Wednesday after that has a Mindfulness Meditation day scheduled for the evening; why not Deepen the Juciness of that day with a park excursion beforehand? So there are two weekly sojourns taken care of right there, two I can commit to for improving my mental - and spiritual - health.

As for each "normal" day, I have an hour or two in the evenings when the Queen Mother is watching TV and Himself is either watching TV with her or is out taking care of his own business. It would not be difficult at all to put on gentle music and color in a mandala, or do some therapeutic writing, or even (gasp) read an actual book! I used to be a voracious reader, and I still do enjoy reading articles on my smartphone, but it's not the same as picking up a nice old-school BOOK and reading it cover to cover. There's something about the heft of a good-sized book, the smoothness of the paper under your hand, the smell of time and the bookbinding glue, that comforts a bibliophile like me...but I digress.

This feels like a good focus for the next month, this going small. I will report regularly upon my progress, along with the rest of the minutiae that make up this Odyssey.

By the way - we elected to sleep in this morning instead, rather than check off a list of activities. I appreciated the leisurely start to my day today, as I have plenty of opportunities to Rush In and Speed Ahead these days! Truly easing into the day might also be something to practice more often! ;)    

Day 22: on attempting to salvage the zen

Himself and I managed to accomplish our mission pretty well, actually...

We got ourselves up reasonably early and enjoyed some breakfast. After I attended to some business on a conference call, we went to the beach. We're VERY blessed to live about half an hour away from the ocean; additionally, Himself has a veteran's pass that allows us to visit state beaches for free, and we have taken full advantage of that.

We spent two lovely hours at the beach, enjoying some of the last of the truly warm weather and taking turns walking in the cool Pacific water. I find that I can ground very nicely if I take the opportunity to "stick my feet" into the ocean, and the negative ions from the salty air clear my energy. I call it getting a much needed dose of Vitamin Sea. A pair of rocks accompanied us home: one a striking red and tan two-tone rock I had not seen before, the other a pale rock with pink flecks in it. I'll see if I can post a picture of them in the near future.

It's a good thing we were able to enjoy our time at the beach, because we came home to the horrible news of the shooting at the Pittsburgh synagogue. Himself is Jewish, and he became rather freaked out at the news. (As his Pagan wife, I completely get it.) Per our original plans, I went with him to his meeting after I had a snack and got dinner ready for the Queen Mother. We stopped at a Dollar Tree and purchased a pair of white novena (pillar) candles to serve as memorial candles. He doesn't think one candle alone will burn the entire seven days, but I think it will. I'll let y'all know who is right. (BTW, there will be a community service Monday evening that we will be attending.)

After Himself's meeting, a small group of us went to the "meeting after the meeting" at our favorite Greek restaurant. I had my Birthday dinner of spanikopita, with rice and carrots, and with my birthday coupon, got some baklava to take home. Granted, my birthday was 10 days or so ago, but in this case, better late than never!

Tomorrow will feature a welcome visit with our support group, wherein I'm sure there will be much commiseration. Until tomorrow, it might not be a bad idea to pray for PEACE. 

 

Day 21: on what i did "instead"

If our original plans had not been altered, I would have posted this today from a hotel in Phoenix, AZ. Since they were altered, though, I had a few things I did "instead"...

I tackled the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher. The kitchen is one of the places in the home where things can get nasty very quickly if one doesn't stay on top of things: food is prepared, so there is packaging to be thrown away or reecycled; dishes are used and need to be washed, or at the very least, rinsed off. Unfortunately, in the grip of Depression, this is the one area where I can plan on getting everything cleared up "tomorrow" - and many tomorrows become yesterdays, and still no action is taken. Today I made headway and brought a measure of Order to the continuous Chaos the kitchen often is.

I went on a merry goose chase around town to find the one specific type of Citracal that the Queen Mother will happily take. Walmart didn't have it, nor Walgreens, nor CVS. Rite Aid is the one place that had the yogurt-like, berry flavored chewable "pearls," so after 45 minutes, I was finally able to come home triumphant, and very hangry.

Himself and I went to our special meetings tonight, where I was greeted with surprise and a little concern at my meeting. There I was able to share my story and commiserate with one of my tribes, and feel better once the meeting was over. Somehow that led to some good, open sharing between Himself and myself on the way home, so I'm grateful for that. :)

With any luck, tomorrow I will be able to salvage some of the fun and Zen energy I was planning on diving into over the weekend. I'll check in tomorrow and let y'all know how succcessful I was.

Day 20: on caring for the queen mother

In between the moments of waxing (melo)dramatic and changing our plans, there have been a pair of key appointments for the Queen Mother to meet...

As I mentioned previously, I took her to the dentist on Monday. Her dentures had become a concern, so we had found a dentist (who she likes) on her dental plan. We had previously agreed to get her a brand new set of dentures, and paid $400 for the lab expenses; the rest was taken care of by her combination Medicare/Medi-Cal insurance. The problem was, she said the new dentures made her mouth hurt, and she wouldn't wear them. (Insert exasperated eyeroll here.)

On the last visit prior to this one, they put a soft liner in the dentures, which helped; then on this most recent visit, the dentist sculpted the dentures with her handy Dremel tool until they finally fit! Now mom is wearing her new dentures relatively happily. We're going back next Tuesday to see if any other adjustments need to be made.

As for the other adventure this week...a few months ago, the Queen Mother's regular glasses were accidentally run over (!) after one of her other appointments. We fixed her glasses for the short term, then made her an eye appointment to see if her prescription had changed before getting the new glasses. She has cataracts in both eyes, but they're not debilitating yet; nevertheless, there was a small change to her prescription. We picked out nice new frames, paid for them and the lenses, and picked up the new glasses today. Unlike the new dentures, she took to her new glasses right away. 

Getting her to and from her appointments is often a process with several moving parts: there's moving the car, supporting mom as she exits the house, having her wheelchair ready to go (for walking outdoors, even with the support of canes or a walker, is no longer feasible for her), getting her in the wheelchair, wheeling her over to the car, helping her get out of the wheelchair and into the car, folding up the wheelchair and stowing it in the trunk, getting her canes into the car, and finally belting her in the seat (then securing my seat belt) before we can hit the road. When we get to the appointment, it's a matter of helping her out of the car and into the wheelhair. I then push the chair - which she calls her "chariot" - to the appropriate doctor's office, while Himself finds a decent parking spot and settles in to wait for us. The entire process then gets reversed when we're done with the appointment.

I mention this because I try to schedule only one appointment per week for the Queen Mother, as it is a labor-intensive process...and the uneven roads jostle her back, no matter how carefully we drive, so she's complaining almost nonstop about being in pain. This week, however, we wound up having two appointments - but since one of them was to get her new glasses, something she was very eager to get, she didn't complain as much as she could have, which made the trip easier for me as well.

Now if only I could convince her to get fitted for hearing aids - !