Day 191: on pausing for a moment

Between the mental exertion of yesterday's meetings and the physical unpleasantness of last evening's walk, Himself let Discretion be the better part of Valor today and chose not to attend our Sunday Support group. I didn't blame him. This meant it was a good day to rest, and move forward in Ease, and take inventory of life. My "new" pragmatic perspective is fitting nicely,

The only "practical" thing we managed to get done was grocery shopping: using some of my remaining funds to get a few cans of cat food, using our gift cards to get some essentials, with a few "treats" thrown in - nothing too crazy, mainly things we haven't usually had an opportunity to eat recently. We're still good for the rest of the month if absolutely nothing else happens, and of course other things will happen.

Inkblot was feeling particularly ambitious today, as he brought in a dove (!) while I was preparing my dinner. That was tricky to get out of the house, even with Himself removing the cats from the immediate vicinity, but I successfully got it into our special Critter Transportation box, and the dove flew onto a neighbor's roof, so it didn't look like much damage had been done. Then Inkblot went and got a decent-sized moth (!!) and brought it in; this was much easier to get out of the house, as I was able to open the patio door and shoo it out. Poor boy must think we are "hopeless parents," unable to fend for ourselves and hunt down basic meals! ;)

After dinner, Himself tended to his business down in Point Loma, and I colored some more in my mandala, then had myself a walk of two (consecutive) laps around the complex. I took a moment to appreciate some rosemary (that plant I can recognize, at least!) and took a picture of the sunset. Towards the end of the second lap, I looked up at several flying creatures feeding on the nocturnal bugs, and realized that the wings weren't quite right for birds. Instead, I realized I was watching BATS! I got very excited, as this is the first time I've knowingly seen them. They're good totem animals in my book.

After tomorrow, next week is filled with appointments and the Seder of Pesach at week's end, so it will be a busy time. I will be taking full advantage of the Downtime.

Day 190: on accepting...

I was originally going to title this "on resigning," but after a nap, a walk, a tasty dinner, and some time in the Morning Pages, I was inspired to change the title to something more positive.

I was planning to go to the Caregiver Expo today, but my/our priority right now is to Conserve Resources as much as we can. We were expecting some money yesterday, but it hasn't arrived yet. Combined with some work Himself needs to do tomorrow in Point Loma (aka "down south,") I chose to let discretion be the better part of valor and stay home. It turns out the expected funds didn't arrive today, either, so that was a bit of validation for my choice. That doesn't mean I was happy about it; in fact, it took all of the activities that I mentioned above to bring me back to the Happy Medium.

I was, however, freed up to make an important phone call, which I would not have been able to make had I attended the Expo. I learned therein that I'm not the only one who has "experimented with new levels of Powerlessness and Unmanageability" as of late! Right now, I'm not in a position to do more than I'm currently doing, and sometimes that almost feels like I'm doing too much. Hopefully, that will change in the near future, and I'll be able to step up and be more of Service, helping to carry the load.

Because the call took place mid-morning, my Morning Pages were more of a late afternoon/early evening affair. I took my gripes to the Pages and came to the sense of Acceptance I had been seeking. Many times in the past year or so I have felt like I was in a basic "Survival Mode." Each time I would think I was moving forward, I would be slammed back, hard, into that mindset. Today I embraced the idea of not continually craning my head, looking for the gleam on the distant horizon, but focusing on what I have NOW and what I can do NOW instead. (Besides, all indications point to this being a Temporary Situation, and perhaps more temporary than I/we expect.)

I have a list of thirteen no-cost things I can do for Respite, and an additional seven low-cost things to go with it. If I actually concentrate on "Just for Today," if I actually move forward "One Day at a Time," I just might be able not only to hang on to my remaining Sanity, but perhaps even start rebuilding it. Time to put some Energy where my mouth is. :)

Himself and I are intending to make our Support group tomorrow. We shall see what happens.

Day 189: on revisiting...

Depression paid me a visit today, feeling very Heavy and sad. I dialogued with it on in the Morning Pages, and found the reason for Depression's visit, which could be summed up thusly: Still Waiting.

I resonated with both of those words...the "Waiting," yes, as I/we have several projects still in progress, hopefully with resolutions in the near future, emphasis on hopefully. As for "Still," I feel like I'm frozen in place, waiting for Something Positive and Prosperous To Happen, so I can start moving again. As I've mentioned before, I don't handle Ambiguity very well, so some days end with me ready to climb the walls and walk across the ceiling!

Once I had identified what was feeling out of sorts, though, I did feel better.

We revisited the VA today, as Himself had a follow up appointment with his dietician. She praised him for recording his meals in a food journal of sorts on his phone; now his challenges are 1) measuring out his portions to establish Portion Control parameters, and 2) being more aware of his late night eating habits, which is where he tends to stumble.

Once we were done there, it was time to hit up Pharmacy again, to get some of prescriptions renewed. He doesn't get his meds mailed to the home, because we have at least one active drug addict in our complex who will steal VA packages when they come, in a quest to obtain pain medications. So we waited while his prescriptions were filled. I noted that the overhead music was from the 80's, which took me back to my pre-teen and teen years. I don't actively listen to 80's music today, so hearing it played was a pleasant surprise. It also speaks volumes as to the "average age" of the veterans receiving medical treatment these days.

With medications and supplies in tow, we started home. As if the freeway traffic wasn't bad enough, which it was, we had the unfortunate timing of hitting a key stoplight en route just in time for both the Northbound and Southbound commuter rails to pass by. (The Coaster goes from Oceanside to San Diego and back again.) We wove our way along the surface streets and finally got home, where we had just enough time to get dinner prepared and consumed in our bellies. Then we were off and running again to our Friday meetings. We both had good ones.

I have taken stock and made my choice: tomorrow I head south for an adventure. More to be revealed...

Day 188: on revising...

Himself had an appointment with his "civilian" podiatrist today, then figured that Club Business was going to take up much of the rest of his day, so instead of grabbing a few things at Trader Joe's after his appointment, we went before his appointment, and I stayed home afterwards with the Queen Mother.

So what did I do with my free time?

I walked my own lap around the complex. I took a picture of what I believe is pink jasmine to post on my Daily Story thread. I might do some "Eye Candy" pictures of flowers over the next few days. Just don't ask me what they are, because I have no idea without googling them. I got to our mailbox at the back of the complex and got yesterday's mail just as the postman pulled up in his USPS truck, so all Himself and I had to worry about this evening was getting today's mail. 

I colored some more of my latest mandala, with Lemon Yellow today. It's a very tricky color to see in anything but natural sunlight, so I colored with it while the light in our room was good.

Once I was done, I filled out my renewal papers for Medi-Cal. I had to revise some of the information on it, because it was way out of date. It's all ready to be dropped off at the County office in plenty of time before the deadline.

I watched some television tonight with the Queen Mother. Normally she watches her programs just fine without me, but I suspect she likes it better when she has a Viewing Buddy. Most of the time it's Himself, but occasionally I'll come in and watch something. Tonight I watched SWAT, one of her cop shows, and the main reason I watched it was that it featured an "updated" version of the Symbionese Liberation Army for our heroes to try to outwit. I was alive at that time, though I only needed one hand to count my age on. I have, however, seen the relevant footage from that time when I was actually old enough to understand it, so I knew what they were talking about. I thought the show was well done.

Himself has a VA Medical Center appointment tomorrow, and I will be tagging along to make sure he hits up the Pharmacy for some of his medications. Beyond that, we shall see what happens.

Day 187: on realizing...

For someone who said she was a "poor" multitasker these days, I think I did a pretty good job today, weaving various threads of cleaning together to make up a nice little tapestry of huswifery.

I didn't do several things at once, but used momentum to flow along from one task to another: washing a load of laundry, taking some recycling out to the main bins, taking some more recycling out to our personal bins, clearing out the trash from the bathrooms, cleaning the Queen Mother's toilet, sweeping the walls clear of cobwebs, and bringing a little more order to our recycling station. 

I paced myself between tasks, taking breaks when I started to feel overwhelmed (from the Queen Mother's "helpful input"), and finding the wherewithal to do a little more. 

As I cleaned, it occurred to me that mom and I might be seeing two completely different houses: where I see some clutter here and there between significant clear spaces, it's entirely possible that she sees the clutter first and foremost, and that's what takes up the most space in her perspective. This is something good to keep in mind - not to blow off cleaning altogether, but to realize her perspective is way different from mine, so when she starts up on one of her rants, I can choose NOT to Take It Personally, and make notes of what bothers her, and possibly take action on those notes.

As we head toward sunset on the West Coast, I am in my "happy place": with the Himalayan Salt Candle holding a tealight flickering away, Pandora streaming some relaxing music, and Pippa napping beside me in a ridiculously adorable pose. I feel like coloring a new mandala in, so I will pick one out, grab my pencils, and go to work. :)

Day 186: on recognizing...

It's silly to expect Himself to be "sacrificing" as much as I do in this Caregiving odyssey. He can help, and he does, but he also has his own life, and his own commitments in this life. To expect him to give everything up to help me is a mark of Insanity.

Come to think of it, it's also silly to say that I'm "sacrificing" myself in the name of Caregiving. Some of my boundaries need to be redrawn, yes. Some things that I enjoyed doing need to be picked up again, yes. To say that I am "ruined" or "broken," though, is another mark of Insanity.

When I looked over at the clock today, and it was just after noon, and I hadn't had breakfast or showered yet, I figured I wasn't going to the new Caregiver Support Group, as there were groceries to purchase, and money to purchase them with. I did my Tea and Morning Pages after helping the Queen Mother with her breakfast, and helping Himself with a bit of Pain Management, and hadn't realized where in the day I stood. Even if I had caught myself a bit earlier, I still might not have rushed.

I'm also recognizing that, at least right now, multitasking is right out, until I get my Respite Vacation in. On days where there are no appointments, I pick one thing I need to do, and then do that. Anything else that gets done on a given day is gravy. I'm criticizing myself less and understanding myself more.

Per Himself's VA attorney, the case hasn't been filed quite yet, but they have until the 15th to file it. While I appreciate their thoroughness in reviewing all the details of the case, there a part of me that just wishes they would hurry up and file already! So here we sit, waiting for the right time to start scaling the summit of the mountain.

Another "empty day" tomorrow, so I will peruse my options, choose one, and take action.

Day 185: on remembering...

Today I remembered to Receive. My bestie on the east coast saw Himself's Facebook posting about our dishwasher blues and offered to help out. Today we received the money she sent us. We went over to Lowe's to score a new dishwasher, only to find that they were out of stock of the one we paid for! So I also get to remember Patience as we wait a little longer for the dishwasher to be delivered and installed.

Today I remembered to call my bestie and thank her for her assistance. :)

Today I remembered what nice warm summery days felt like. It's not summer quite yet, but this felt like a gorgeous early-to-mid summer day. Hopefully when more of these days arrive, I can take full advantage of them, and not just enjoy them piecemeal while I'm out running errands.

Today I remembered to sort through the mail. I wound up recycling nearly half of it in the form of discarded envelopes, forms I no longer needed to keep - anything with confidential information on it got placed in the Shredding pile - and gratuitous inserts. Some of it I will consider more deeply later, and some of it I placed in the Appointment pile (to keep track of Himself's appointments at the VA Medical Center) on the dining room table.

Today I remembered to get some legal sized envelopes. I found a small package of them for only a couple of dollars at Staples, so I was happy that I didn't have to buy an entire box of them. I was able to mail out my tax returns today.

Today I received a gentle reminder that I needed to turn in MY Medi-Cal forms for my annual evaluation. I will see if I can get completed and turned in this week.

Tonight Himself and I remembered to walk. We did a lap around the complex. His nerves weren't happy when we were done. He remembered to see if he could get an earlier appointment with his neurologist, but that's yet to be determined. In the meantime, we have some more mysteries to ponder.

Tomorrow I will see if I can remember to attend the new caregiver support group that is starting in Vista, which is closer than the ones down in San Diego are. Getting back to having a support group to go to weekly feels like a good move.

I am beginning to remember a little thing called Hope. I throw open the windows of my mind to allow her to return.