Day 153: on stabilizing

The cats didn't wake me up until it was almost time for my alarm to go off; yes, I set an alarm so I can get up in time to help the Queen Mother with her breakfast. I was primarily preoccupied with Himself after rising and shining, as he was still challenged in putting weight on his right leg without his thigh muscles screaming in protest.

Despite this, I had enough sense to heat the water for my tea and let it steep. Before I settled in with my Morning Pages, I checked my voicemail, and received a message from the Appeals representative from Medi-Cal. There will be a share of cost, but it won't go into effect until April 1st, so I have until then to get the Queen Mother off of income-based Medi-Cal. Himself jumped in with opinions about what to do next - and I wound up having a decent-sized meltdown because I just wanted to concentrate on Tea and Morning Pages! Fortunately, he backed off and apologized, and I took pen to paper and wrote myself into a place of Stability.

When I was done, I had breakfast, then took a shower. By this time, Himself decided a bit of Mind Over Matter was needed, and he pulled himself together enough to get out of bed and into the shower. It was much easier to help him after I had showered. We then headed out to do some much needed grocery shopping; thanks to the generosity of Himself's stepmother (my stepmother-in-law?), I was able to save some of our precious resources for later in the month. 

We got home and took care of dinner in time for my caregiver support group, which I totally needed this evening! Granted, Himself's current medical adventure will be a brief one, especially compared to the Queen Mother's Long Walk Home, but I'm not handling this iteration of the whole Caregiving for Two gig as gracefully as I would like. Oddly enough, the slower either one of them is moving from Point A to Point B, the faster I feel like I should move to "compensate" in some fashion. Food for thought...

We came home a bit earlier than usual, and Himself is now resting. Tomorrow he intends to make his VA appointments, and I will be driving, as I have been for the past two days. I actually prefer to be behind the wheel, because (I realize) this is one of the few places I DO have a measure of Control, and driving is something that requires all of my focus, so I have a good reason to tune out anything that I might consider a "distraction."

I'm in a much better place now than I was this morning, and especially yesterday. :)

Day 152: on tossing plans out the window

As I am learning, through reading and listening to other Caregivers' stories, and through my own experience, sometimes the plans you have for the day get tossed out of the window when a Situation arises. Such was the case today.

Yesterday evening, Himself was complaining of some cramping in his right thigh. We both thought it was simply a matter of dehydration, so he added some electrolytes to his water and we both thought he would be fine in the morning. He wasn't. Standing up was excruciating, sitting down wasn't too much better, and the only real relief he seemed to get was through lying down. So after we pulled ourselves together, off to the ER (at the VA Medical Center in La Jolla) we went, carefully driving through the raindrops.

All told, it was an eight hour visit, which in the grand scheme of things, was not too bad. The good news is that he didn't have a blood clot in his leg; they finally said that  his pain was from a severe muscle strain, though neither one of us has a clue as to how that came about. We returned home with a muscle relaxant and instructions to put heat on the leg as needed.

As I had only snacked on pretzels since breakfast, I was very Hungry when we finally left the hospital. Himself pulled up the nearest Carl's Jr. location on Google Maps and paid for my dinner, so I got a chance to try their new Beyond Star veggie burger. It was pretty tasty. He ate once we got home.

Tomorrow is going to be a day of errands outside the home, rain or shine. The latest forecast calls for more on and off showers through the week, clearer skies for the weekend, then a bit more rain to start the week. Last night we heard the unexpected Boom! of thunder from a lightning strike half a mile away, and some more distant rumblings the rest of the night. Pippa went and hid in our closet, but Inkblot stayed on the bed. We shall have to see if any other thunderstorms come our way over the next few days.

I'm going to wind it up here and see if I can't relax some more this evening. For the moment at least, all is and remains well. :)

Day 151: on easing through the narrow canyon

My moods reflected the weather today: where it was sunny-cloudy-sunny-cloudy-rainy-cloudy outside, I moved between calmness, depression, hope, anxiety, and back to serenity, or an iteration thereof, inside. 

I stayed home while Himself went to his acupuncture appointment so the Queen Mother could take her weekly shower. She has chosen Tuesday to be her shower day, for reasons that make sense only to her. I finished up my tea and Morning Pages while I waited for her to get ready. It was a good session in the Pages today, as various disparate thoughts coalesced into something of an enlightening whole. Between the Pages and Passages in Caregiving - which I am moving through slowly, so I can digest all of the Wisdom from the stories that are told in the book - I find that I am slowly detaching myself from the Queen Mother, so my life CAN continue after hers ends, whenever that happens. I haven't even sighted that mountain range yet. 

Himself returned home just as mom finished in the shower, so he "disappeared" into the living room while mom inched her way to the bathroom. I helped her dry off, then applied lotion on her back and legs. Once she was back in her room getting dressed, I showered, had my breakfast, then Himself and I went grocery shopping. It started raining just as we finished up. (Rain is expected to fall off and on for the rest of the week, clear up for the weekend, then start again on Monday.)

Because it was raining, and it was late and getting later, Himself rescheduled his other appointment of the day to Friday. I appreciated the rescheduling very much, as I was beginning to become very anxious about going to the appointment with him. I didn't think there was any way we would be able to get back before 4pm, and perhaps not until even 5pm, due to the evening commute, and for some reason, that was Just Not Tenable, not today!

Through writing in the Pages, I have also seen the difference between Depression then and now: when it came to visit in the past, I just went along for the ride. Now, when it comes to visit, I dip into my toolbox to prevent it from taking the wheel. To thwart my anxiety, I retreated to bed for a few minutes, and said the Serenity Prayer like a mantra in my head, while I slowed and deepened my breathing. I am lighting my Himalayan Salt candle to put some negative ions in the air, similar to sitting on the beach. When I finish with this entry, I will go back to coloring my mandala, in an effort to "turn off" the nervous chatter in my mind.

Last night I challenged myself to come up with ten low or no cost ways to gain some Respite for myself; the exercise stretched into today and I had twenty ways, more than half of them "No-Cost," when I was finally done and satisfied. That is a list I can rely upon as I continue up the mountain.

Right now, in this moment, all is well. I choose to remember that as I ease through the rest of this day and into the next.

Day 150: on minding the details

Himself and I stuck with our intention from last night, and got up a bit earlier than usual today to tidy up the house, prior to the case manager from IHSS coming over to evaluate the Queen Mother. Once things were squared away to our satisfaction (though mom had some more input to share once we said we were done), Himself went back to bed. I had my tea to help me wake up and try to chase off the headache, which had returned overnight. I also filled out the paperwork required by the case manager, which was basically a list of the Queen Mother's doctors (very short) and her medications (a little bit longer). Mom is actually in decent physical shape, all things considered - she's only taking a handful of over the counter supplements, and doesn't have any prescriptions to be filled or refilled. Her mental state is another story, with the Dementia taking a little more of her mind every day. :(

The case manager came by and asked the Queen Mother questions, which I helped to answer, then mom signed a few forms, and that was that, or so we thought. We received a call a few hours later saying there was an issue with the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal: it was showing as "terminated," and without Medi-Cal, mom would be ineligible to be helped through IHSS. Could we call over and see what was going on?

As far as we knew, the appeal that we had filed was still in process. So I called the agent who had worked with me on the appeal, and she double checked: yep, it was still In Process, so the Queen Mother's Medi-Cal should still be good. She sent an email to the appropriate parties today, and I will call tomorrow to make sure the message was received, especially since it was hinted that there would be a modest increase in the number of hours for me to help mom out. (We are still waiting to hear word back from the DMV as to when she was certified as "disabled.")

I stepped out briefly to get a flavor of cat food I had been unable to get on Sunday, then had my nap as Himself took care of his business. I was up in time for dinner, and in checking my bank balance, saw I needed to make one more quick call to stop one more automatic payment from my account. I did, and realized I was feeling a little anxious afterwards. I should have enough money to cover the HOA fee, once I receive my paycheck, which should be in a few days...

I am exhausted from having to keep an eye on the hundred little details as we wait on other folks to make decisions and give authorizations. I have been indulging in some heavy duty Procrastination as of late, doing only what is most needful, when it's most needful. I find myself praying a little every day for things to go our way Sooner, rather than Later. I will be glad when we reach the summit of this mountain we are climbing. It seems we have entered the mists on our climb; when they clear, we will see how close the summit actually is.

Tomorrow begins another round of appointments for Himself, so perhaps I will find some distraction by focussing on those details instead. Meanwhile I keep putting one foot in front of the other, and do what needs to be done Just for Today.

Day 149: on crawling foward

I didn't make it to our usual Sunday support group, though Himself did. Between being in the middle of my Moonflow and having a gnarly tension headache, I did the bare minimum today. My usual tea did help dissipate the headache, but I had to wait out the Depression that had also come along to visit. I'm still smarting a bit from all of the drama llamas running around yesterday, and have made up my mind to wait at least until Mercury is no longer retrograde before I even think about returning to Social Media, which will be in early April sometime.

I managed to rouse myself enough today to step out and get some cat food, and I also had Himself get some more yogurt for the Queen Mother. Help is on the way and we should receive all of it in the next few days.

Tomorrow our IHSS social worker will be paying a visit to see how the Queen Mother is doing. As she is still handling the basics of feeding, dressing, and toileting herself, I don't anticipate an increase in hours for her. As long as she still qualifies, that will  be just fine. Both Himself and I will see if we can make an effort in tidying up the house a bit before she comes, and there will most likely be a nap afterwards.

I will be okay. There are some months when it's very challenging to keep my head above water while I bleed freely...

Day 148: on the turning of the day

By and large, it has been a good relaxing day. It rained off and on today, and there looks to be more rain coming along in the next week. March isn't coming in like an angry lion, but the lion is soggy and making its presence known. 

Today I've been listening to my body and pacing myself. Yes, I was on a conference call today. Yes, I did a bit of work on the computer. Mainly, though, I have been quietly reading and enjoying the respite.

I chose to jump on Instagram earlier this evening and watch a Live from one of my favorite accounts, and that turned out to be a huge mistake. Yesterday there was an apparent misunderstanding that should have been settled privately, but it was taken public instead, and a molehill was turned into Mount Everest, with followers from both affected accounts getting into screaming arguments from behind their keyboards. The whole thing disgusted and sickened me...I had considered Instagram my Happy Place, relatively free from the drama flung around on Facebook and Twitter, but I guess I wasn't following enough accounts. At any rate, the drama llamas were still stampeding today, and I am officially Over It All.

I'm taking a long breather from ALL of the Social Media outposts, perhaps a permanent one. I simply don't have the bandwidth right now to wade through drama llama stuff, not with my current situation. I don't like what we as a species are becoming under the influence of Social Media - so rigid and inflexible in what we believe is "Right." This is how Inquisitions get off the ground, just saying. The other main takeaway from all of this is: if you want to get people to lose their minds, talk about Money and Pursuing Your Dreams. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I have talked with my cats, and feel calmer now. I will go back to my offline activities, add in a few more, and find a different happy place, one far far away from the Internet, as soon as it stops raining. ;)

Day 147: on a long and smooth day

I wound up waking up getting up at 5:30 this morning and am glad that I did. I was able to shower, get the cats fed, and get the Queen Mother's breakfast ready before we left for the VA Medical Center. We got there on time for the appointment, but they were short-staffed today, and it was about an hour's delay before they took Himself back to get him ready for his appointments. I was invited back for a few minutes before they wheeled him away to the exam room. I then went downstairs and got myself a bit of cottage cheese to go with my pair of tangerines for a small breakfast.

Himself's GI tract is practically normal these days, so the CBD oil is doing its work. There were a few samples sent to Pathology, out of an abundance of caution. Once he was sufficiently awake, I wheeled him out and down to the car, and we went to Milton's Deli for a celebratory brunch. Once a month, we splurge on ourselves. While he had a french toast combo, I had Huevos Rancheros, eggs scrambled atop corn tortillas and covered in cheese, with semi-refried beans on the side, along with a bit of salsa fresca. (Small confession: I have lived in California most of my life, and New Mexico for a few years when I was a little girl, and until today, I had not indulged in this quintessential Mexican breakfast. I filled that deficit today.)

We got home and I made those essential calls I had not gotten around to making yesterday. I was successful in easing the financial burden at the start of the month; here's hoping the end of the month is abundant! Afterward, I had a nice nap.

Besides having to get up early for Himself's "surveillance" appointments, I started my Moonflow today. Oh, what fun. :p Fortunately, my weekly meeting tonight was smaller than usual, so it was shorter than usual. We had enough time afterwards to make a nocturnal stop at our favorite beach. The salt air was not as chilly as it had been a month or two ago, and we could see it was high tide, as the waves were surging over almost all of the beach. (We have narrow beaches in San Diego county. The beaches north of us in Orange county are wider, and the ones in the Bay Area seem to stretch on for miles and miles before you get to the shore - at least, that's my perspective.)

We still got home a bit earlier than usual, and I have comfortably switched into my pajamas and am calling it a night. Both Himself and I will be sleeping like babies tonight. Tomorrow I am planning on doing very little, if anything. :)